Tonight I Cried

I’ve realized that one of the hardest things for me to do is to write when I do not know how to explain what I am feeling. Last week I just started feeling incredibly depressed. Unfortunately, that feeling has continued on to this week. I feel anger and hatred towards those that have. For they will never know what it is like to have not. There is this darkness in me that craves the light of a friendship. I’ve unfortunately not connected with a single person since moving away from Charleston, SC. This was the worst fucking idea to move. It was a case of me not understanding what I had. It’s not always greener on the other side. Sometimes, the grass you seek is on fire.

Now, I stay home all the time. The only person I see is my husband. Don’t get me wrong, he is a very important person and I love him. But socially I just have no interaction other than going to the thrift store. Being a reseller is crazy competitive and yet, an extremely lonely career. It’s ironic how that is. You would think more people would want support & advice. It’s pretty much all about money and the stress of finding items that will make it. People care about status and that which is green. It’s all silliness & sadness to me. What happened to valuing others and accepting them? Why are we always trying to be better? What is better anyway… a new grill, party of specially selected people, having children that drive toy cars nicer than adults…. I do not understand this dream that the mass seeks. It looks silly. I want to laugh and them and put them in a reality show called Lower Class. Put them to work scrubbing toilets, make sure they get hungry with minimal food, bills flooding in that they can’t pay, working tooth and nail for every cent they have. There idea of what value is would change really quickly, believe me.

People make me sick. And the sicker I feel, the more alone I am. I don’t even feel like I’m on a deserted island. More like, living on one of those undiscovered planets in orbit. I think there was a movie called Mars where an astronaut was actually left behind on his mission there. He had to figure out complete survival. I wish that movie were real and that I could be friends with him. That is what I am looking for in a friendship. Salt of the earth, crazy hard working, and brutally honest. Have those people gone extinct?

Tonight I cried some. I just sat at my computer chair and started crying as I was taking off my makeup. People I love are not coming back. I can’t call people I need. Rarely, does anyone check on me. The reality of this is razor sharp and cuts into you with a vengeance to kill. As childish as I am sure it sounds, it’s not fair. Every once in a while, I allow myself to feel all that hurts. And when that happens, I cry for everything my soul longs for. Everyone that I will never again touch, hear their voice, or gather strength from. Even in weak moments though, I have faith. I believe in God and that one day, there will be immense healing. That those searching will finally find each other. I look forward to that day.