House Hunting Humor

Today has been one of those days where I am unsure whether to laugh or cry. House hunting is nothing like they make it seem on TV. You know those shows where they give the potential buyers three beautiful homes to choose from? In my book, that is one of the most unrealistic things I have ever seen. My husband and I are searching for an (ideally) four bedroom home to buy in the South Carolina area. We want a home in a safe neighborhood, with a fire place, kitchen we can turn around in, bathtub that our entire body can fit in, and a yard for our dogs. Turns out, I think it would be easier to discover a cave full of gold.

We live near Charlotte, NC where, according to my husband, people want to live because it is full of businesses. Though this may be true, I still do not understand the appeal. I am from Charleston, SC where there are beaches within driving distance, colorful historical homes, and a pleasurable downtown to shop in. Let me put it this way, I did not know where I lived. When I moved away, I realized all that I took for granted. In my mind, I assumed traveling would be fun. Don’t we all just want to escape sometimes? I thought surely, the grass would be greener on the other side. Turns out, not only is the grass dead but it has frozen from the weather.

My husband and I though are sticking it out because he has a good job here. Part of being married is that you are partners. Meaning, I don’t always get my way. However, when it comes to house hunting, I do have a list of things that I do not want to compromise on. We recently hired a new realtor which has already been a refreshing breath of air. Even with realtors though, for some reason, I’m always the one to discover the houses of interest online. I found one in a desirable neighborhood that I was excited to see. From the pictures, it looked like it had a lot of the amenities we were looking for. There was a 2nd house my husband wanted us to take a look at too. This house looked larger and had a swimming pool. Here is how it went….

The first house was in a pretty neighborhood. There were no trailers, cars . parked in people’s grass, or lawn ornaments. This made sense considering this neighborhood was part of an HOA. However, what was not in an HOA was the inside of the house that was for sale. As soon as I stepped through the door, I literally got hit in the face with the most intense smell of cat urine I have ever experienced in my life. This is coming from someone that used to work as a Veterinary Assistant. I’m a very expressive person so my first comment was literally “WHAT AM I SMELLING?” “DO YALL SMELL THAT?” I’m sure the realtor knew things were going downhill at that point. They both agreed that, there was in fact a smell to the house. This smell traveled with me into each room. I met the culprit curled up sweetly in the upstairs bedroom in the form of a little brown cat. Of course, when I turned away, my husband decided to cradle this house spraying cat in his arms. You have to love a man that loves animals that much though. I decided to keep my husband and say no to the house.

Thinking surely, the next house would be better, we traveled in that direction. I began to feel like I was going to have a psychotic break if I did not get a cup of coffee so my husband and I made a detour to a Starbucks. When we got to the neighborhood of the 2nd house I could tell it was not an HOA. It was one of those neighborhoods you have to get through after passing by some sketchy places. The houses on the street did not look cookie cutter, there was no pool, and there was just a general feeling that cops did not live there. All of which are not deal breakers in my book. I do, however, need to like the house. When I saw the house I had to do a double take at the information sheet about it. I could tell they did some major editing on the shade of blue the house was supposed to be. There was a front porch swing which, later, almost broke when my husband sat on it. Upon entering the house, I immediately felt very confused. The garage had been converted into a room. But I believe the room had cement floors. Behind this room was another very tiny room. The realtor joked that this is where the owners committed the murders. So as you can see, things were going well. The downstairs had one more room, which was a long rectangular shape, with a fire place, and a small area the couch may have fit in. Thats it. We were all quiet because we were so confused at the layout at this house. Upstairs, none of the floors matched in color. The bathrooms were tiny, white, and awful. There were random tiny rooms sprinkled all over the place. One of which had absolutely no closest. The kitchen counters did not even line up. Turns out, the most normal thing in the house was that there was a covered pool outside. When my husband and the realtor were looking at this I went back in the house to process what I was seeing. The living room was next to the garage. The bedrooms were as small as jail cells. The floors not only did not match but were poorly installed. The house just was eerie. It reminded me of the H.H.Holmes murder castle. On the bright side though, the sellers were very motivated to sell. I was, however, very motivated to get out of their house.

I am recording this because I hope, one day, we can look back and laugh at the things we went through to get situated. The struggle is truly real when it comes to house hunting. It is so important to take everything into account when you view a house because you are going to have to live there. Not only does the house matter but the neighborhood matters too. We are going to continue looking at what comes available. I have high expectations that if we continue to find houses like the ones we viewed today, we will continue to rent.