Category: Uncategorized

The hardest part of trying to lose weight is just persevering. Some days, pain wins. Emotional pain & physically pain that weigh be down. Other days, I can persevere through the pain and force myself to exercise. I would love to say that I wake up extremely energized and motivated to face the world (ever). But I don’t. Mornings are not my thing. Neither is green tea or exercising. There are times when I convince myself that exercising does not help my Depression. When I am deeply depressed, I’m in the mindset that absolutely nothing helps me. Then when I exercise, I do notice that I feel better. I’m not sure if my body gains new confidence from the exhaustion it’s experiencing or what. Exercising…no wait…MOVING does matter. Even though the safety of the darkness and silence feels much more comforting. In reality, that feeling of comfort is very deceitful. It’s not a healthy place to be. But I am there a lot.

I miss vlogging. I miss Jordan. Tonight I just feel fucking sad and disappointed. I asked my husband if he noticed any difference in my weight. Ladies, this is just never a good decision to ask your husband this. The answer will never fall the correct way on your ears. Take my word for it. My husband said “certain areas.” Which I responded “so basically that is a no.” To which he responded, “well I see you every day so…” Followed up shortly after by, “it takes time.” Each answer felt like I was going another foot under the ground. And it is not his fault. Or even my fault. I’ve just learned from a very young age to have an incredibly critical view of myself. In my reality, I never feel truly worthy. Not good enough. Not smart enough. Just not worth it. Trauma and a lot of bad experiences will do that to a person. I’m in counseling and I’m trying to work on everything. Even doing that though can be heavy & exhausting.

Goals are important but what happens when you can’t meet them. Does that, in face, mean you failed. Did you fail yourself? Did you fail others that were excited for you? Did you fail God? Of course one can always come up with new goals or resolutions. That is, if they are motivated enough to even think after the first set of goals was not met. It just all feels so defeating. I’m supposed to be inspiring and yet, here I am hating everything about life & myself. I think my anxiety is high, that I am triggered, and that I am depressed.

Just FYI, if you want to go see a romantic (or relaxing) movie, don’t choose “Hocus Pocus.” I was trying to find a good October movie for my husband and I to go see. In an effort to do something different, I chose this movie. WRONG MOVIE.

***SPOILER ALERT***

-A little girl gets her soul sucked out and dies in the beginning.

-Witches are burned in a fire

-There is a Zombie thing that comes up out of the dirt, gets head chopped off several times, and will not die

I mean that is just a taste of what I witnessed tonight. Is that what kids are watching these days!?! That movie was PG and yet, as an adult, I definitely think it could give me nightmares. My husband was tense as well in this kid’s movie. He about squeezed my hand off several times. He was also stiff as a dam board sitting up in his chair. There was absolutely no cuddling. It was more of me trying to convince myself that I did not want to walk out. So yeah..In my opinion…NOT worth the money.

Tomorrow I go to counseling so that will definitely be interesting. I can definitely tell Brooke about how that social interaction went yesterday when I went to the neighbors for a movie night. Long story short, I was invited to come over to watch “The Nightmare Before Christmas” on an outside movie screen (sheet). It was supposed to be low key and fun. I had to really convince myself to go. It makes me sad that Jeremy goes to a lot of stuff alone. Any way, I made myself go. Brought Daisy. And was bombarded with noise, a child with tons of questions & a pink stuffed dog, the wrong movie, Daisy shaking like hell, Jeremy chopping wood with a dull blade in the dark, and the neighbors huddled around a fire while Jeremy and I awkwardly sat in chairs. Fun times. Daisy ended up going home first. Lucky her. She was shaking so I had Jeremy take her back. I finally got up the courage to quickly stand up and say “I have to use the restroom I will be back” and tried not to sprint to our house. Our cat, Snuggs, shot out from underneath a car and followed me inside to safety. I just can’t with social situations. It is like everything in me starts malfunctioning when I get into a scenario with more than two people. Also, I observed that the change of movie REALLY seem to upset me. For some reason, Transylvania 3 played instead. I have absolutely no desire to watch that. It just all was A LOT.

I’m clearly just venting in this post because I have so many negative thoughts. I just want to write things down in an effort to get them out and understand myself better. Tomorrow I go to counseling at 11 AM. As much as I wish that I could say I am now getting on the treadmill, I’m not. I think I need to mentally rest myself for tomorrow when Jeremy comes with me to counseling. -_- God be with us.

Tonight, while I was sharing my Poshmark closet I heard my husband laughing on the bed. He was like “you have GOT to see this.” I’m not exactly sure what I was looking at. It was this man in a green costume with a green face, giving counseling advice to those that called in. I’m so confused but he thought it was fabulous. He also stated that the man (or bug’s) eyes were red and he looked very high. If you ever caught me dead in a bug costume taking calls on my channel, you are welcome to make that assumption about me. Don’t get excited, it will not be happening unless I’m offered a few million. Anyway, this creature man was doing a live stream. My husband was all bummed when the stream was over. Clearly, we was learning so much -_- . I sort of joked did that thing have a YouTube channel. Which of course, the counselor bug man had. What kills me is that he has like over 2000 subscribers. Which don’t get me wrong, that is not that many. But dam, he has more than my channel! I quit. ha! I’m going to Mars, NOW.

Jeremy and I did get to walk around the neighborhood late tonight. It was 9:30 PM which used to seem very late to me. However, I have discovered that it is very quiet to walk at night. There are no children zooming around on skate boards, no huddles of chatty people in the street, no one walking by that you awkwardly say hi too (maybe that is just me). Anyway, I’m sure for Jeremy walking at night is very boring. We have different personalities when it comes to about everything. This is why at the end of the day, I think we work. He did go with me though which I appreciated. I’ve been trying to walk more. Yesterday, Daisy and I made it to the end of our neighborhood by the pool. It was a very long walk (or at least felt like it) but we made it. I was proud of her and I’m sure, in her own Chihuahua way, she was proud of me.

I went to go see my life coach earlier today. We talked more about what dissociation is and things that can help with it. I am realizing that there is all different types of dissociation and that most of us, in some form, probably do it. Some healthy ways of dissociating are reading and day dreaming. I’ve learned that our bodies often dissociate to help protect us from trauma. For some, they may faint. Others may feel completely numb. It’s amazing how our body works to protect us from enemies. It is almost like humans have special powers they do not know about (or at least I did not.) My counselor wants to work with me on grounding techniques. I took home a dissociation sheet that I’m going to try to keep with me. I am going to focus on when it happens, what my surroundings were, what I was feeling, etc. The next session is going to be about friendships that have ended and different ways of looking at some of those situations. Also, we are going to try to come up with the type of person that would be good for me to make friends with. Though one of my main long term friendships recently ended, the hard reality is that maybe it should have ended a long time ago. I had a trauma bond with someone that I cared about greatly. Don’t get me wrong, I do really miss her. There are moments where I wish I could call. I’ve even reached out through email and apologized to her for how everything went down. Now I can at least walk away knowing that I tried. Sometimes, God’s answer is no. Or maybe it is the right person but wrong time. Things can change in the future. American’s are used to getting everything at a fast speed when they want in. In my opinion, the vast majority of us have become unbelievably selfish and lazy from technology. But that is for another day….

I did go to the thrift store today after counseling. There is really nothing knew about that because I head there every time. Every time I think about not going but it is almost like it helps me decompress when I go. I am reading a book called “Spent” that discusses spending problems in America, how advertisers target us to solve our problems, etc. It sounds interesting if I ever sit still long enough to read it. Sourcing for Poshmark can be fun but I also feel that shopping comes from a place of pain. It’s a peaceful escape to be amongst books and old items. However, I know that I spend too much money on these things.

Tonight, I went through my books in our library room and had a ton to donate. I swear I went through those books not long ago. It is interesting how we change as people. What was once very important for us to read does not apply or interest me anymore. Thankfully, all those books were from the thrift store so not too much money was wasted. I would be lying if I said that I did not pick up a few new books from thrifting today. It’s a problem. I know.

I’m ended here because my husband is wanting us to crash. It is hard to balance everything. Reselling. Counseling. Pets. Married Life. Everything is just so involved. Don’t get me wrong, I would not change it for anything. I’m incredibly thankful for what I have and who I am with. Things just can feel overwhelming at times. New strategies are needed to work through times like that. Organization is another topic for another day.

Today was better than yesterday.

A lot of things got accomplished today which is good:

-Snuggs went to the vet and got his Depot shot and Revolution.

-Jeremy and I mailed a lot of packages for Poshmark, Mercari, and Ebay

-I sourced some at our local Goodwill before bringing home our China Cabinet I scored the other day for $29.99 from there !

-I opened a new Poshmark shop called, Sandcastle Shop, for kids clothes.

– I transferred several items from my main Poshmark shop @drrelicrescue to @sandcastleshop.

-I wrote in my google docs for Brooke to read.

FRUSTRATIONS

-Jeremy’s tire blew out. It looked more like it blew up when we stopped the car to figure out why the car was vibrating. THANKFULLY, we were able to make it back home. It’s questionable as to whether it was slashed or hit a curb at some point.

-Neighbors have yet to ask me much about myself.

-Last week, for most of the week, I felt sickly. I kept a cough and felt weak.

PROGRESS THAT HAS BEEN MADE

-I talked to two of our neighbors that came over to see our blown out tire. (fun times) One thought our tire had been slashed. The other did not.

-Jeremy went tubing last weekend and had a great time with neighbors. We ordered a tube for us to go. The neighbors made him a steak in exchange for dog sitting we are going to do. (What is it with men? They do not need money. They need Steak.)

I met a woman today at Goodwill that gave me her number. We were in line and I asked her if she was a reseller. She said no but did say she sells purses on Mercari and strollers (that are not selling well). I figured maybe we could talk about that kind of thing.

After taking vitamins religiously and Airborne, I do feel that I am feeling stronger.

THIS WEEKS GOALS

Hang My White Board In Office

Finish Putting Glass Shelves In China Cabinet

Bring Everything From Porch Inside Car Or House

Counseling

List, List, List!

On that note, heading out!

Today was very strange, in that I had a lot of random things happen.

• I got attacked by a giant metal flower on the door of a local boutique I went in. (Don’t Ask)
• At Goodwill, I was cut in line by a woman that clearly saw, I was in line before her.
• My neighbor asked “Are Yall Jesus People?” after reading my shirt with a Bible verse on it. (What does that even mean?.. My answer was, yes, we are Christians….)
• After counseling today, I went thrifting and bought over 10 (I think) new (thrifted) books. Whenever I have an intense session, I race over to the thrift store. Let us be real, that is just about every time I go.
• Jeremy and I gave our neighbors mini cherry tomatoes tied in grocery bags. They looked just like dog poo poo bags. -_-
• My Poshmark Closet, Mercari, and Ebay have had their names changed (again….for like the 3rd or 4th time..no wait, make that 5th time). My closet has been “Curvy Seahorse,” “LeatherAndLaceco,” “Glass Hanger,” “FarmNSunflowers,” and is now “DrRelicRescue.”

Days like today are just a little too much. I want to get the thrifted items I got today out of my car. At the same time, I don’t want our neighbor to reappear and talk to me for another 30 minutes. I may peak out the door and survey her location.

Thank goodness for the lasagna I made yesterday! I did not have to worry about what we were eating for dinner, because it was already in the fridge. I have got to start cooking more. I expressed to my counselor today that there are a lot of things I want to get done that I end up putting aside, in an effort to help other people. Her and I both agree that this is not good for me. That I should make time to spend on myself. Lately, I have not been finding that time at all. We talked about boundaries on her porch and the importance of them. Also about how I am a caretaker & I burn myself out helping everyone else. A few days ago I signed up for SoundStripe so that I could have licensed music in my videos. I’ve been wanting to do that for probably over a year now. It took me maybe an hour to decide which company I wanted to go with and to sign up. Very easy. I need to do stuff like that more often.

I’ve decided that I am definitely a book hoarder. It’s a problem, as I do not have enough places to put all of my books. And yet, I love to be surrounded by stories and information. Novels are not my thing, personally. I prefer advice, cleaning, decorating, crafting, or true crime books. Lately, I have been picking up gardening books for Jeremy. I’ve been with him over 4 years and I can’t recall him picking up an actual book. He prefers the books on his phone which I will never relate to. If I cannot hold it and turn the pages then it takes the whole experience of reading away for me. I’m thankful he reads though and hopefully, at some point, he will browse through his growing collection of gardening books.

I am reading a new business book that gives you lots of tips on branding and starting a business. The reason I got inspired change my reselling username is because of this book. It explained in the first few chapters the importance of your business name. Asking questions like, “can people tell what you do by your brand name?” I’m sitting there thinking, well mine is “FarmNSunflowers.” I sounded more like a gardening shop than a reseller of clothing and thrifted items. The other day I saw a van that said Dr. Grill and I just loved the concept. It told me immediately that the person specialized in building/repairing grills. I came up with the idea to name my reselling businesses “Dr. Relic Rescue.” I feel that this is exactly what I do. I specialize in rescuing things from the past. Amazingly, this name was available on Poshmark, Mercari, and Ebay.

Off to read some more business information. I need to finish this book before I get to the other 2000 that are waiting for me to read them. I need to start going outside again to read.

The title of this blog is not click bate. I kid you not, I put Dawn dish soap on my toothbrush this morning. I literally grabbed the soap by the bathroom sink and squeezed it onto my toothbrush before I knew what I had done. Thankfully, it did not go in my mouth. Talk about waking myself up! FML. So, how is your life going?

Last night, I found out in order to adopt, one needs a pen. This is mostly sarcastic but I found a funny baby book with a list of all the supplies you should have on hand. Despite trying to find a pen and my husband finding me several gel pens that did not work, I never could find one. My list of what I need will have to wait. I was super motivated though last night to get organized.

My counseling was supposed to be last Tuesday but I rescheduled it for tomorrow. Jeremy felt bad last weekend. Then I thought I had some kind of stomach virus. Turns out, I am just not digesting my food well at all. My stomach has been super bloated and painful. Thankfully, I looked up what appears to be a good Pro Biotic to take. I think it is called 60 Billion Pro Biotics. The title itself sounds suspect. Who would sit there and count out 60 Billion Pro Biotics? Maybe a computer did it. If it works, I don’t care.

Oh and apparently Covid-19 is spreading. I’m sure it is because everything has opened back up. What is scary is that China has a new wave of Corona Virus. The virus had apparently subsided for a few weeks but is now making a second appearance. Though Jeremy & I have been using masks &. hand sanitizer, we have been going out way too much. There are a lot of new cases of this virus in our state. That means our ass needs to stay home a hell of a lot more.

We listened to Trump speak out about Police reform last night, while laying on the couch. Why is someone FINALLY mentioning getting mental health counselors for these officers. It is really outrageous that it has taken this long. Their job is admirable, even if officers are not always. I’m certainly not defending any form of abuse of power that has happened. I just know that we do need the Police for protection. The officers in that field though need better support. Especially in the mental health department. Heres hoping that it actually happens.

Does anyone ever feel like their cats are stalking them? At least two of my cats have turned into pieces of Velcro. My gray cat, Snuggs, followed me in to take a bath today. I will say that when he realized water was involved, he quickly made himself a bed on top of a stack of T Shirts outside the bathroom. Our orange cat, Grizzly, has become super high maintenance too. If he is hungry, bored, or angry he starts stomping around upstairs. He will also do this extremely piercing meow that sounds as if he is drowning in his own tears. Did I mention, he follows me everywhere too?

To end on a more positive note, I did FINALLY sell something today. I grabbed this Victoria Secret outside blanket thing off the rack the other day at Goodwill. I think it was left there because no one realized what it was. Thankfully, I noticed that it had a tag. I’m hoping I paid about $1.99 for it. Today, I sold it for $35. That was a good flip that needs to happen a hell of a lot more often.

On that note, I’m going to go take some medicine to try and decompress my severely blimped stomach.

I literally had to google what “yuppie” meant before posting this. I have heard the word used but I was not completely sure it defined what I was trying to describe. For those of you out there that do not know, yuppie means: “A young person with a well paid job and a fashionable life style.” Yeah, that sounds about right up the ally I was trying to go. I’m not by nature a mean person. But I do get vibes from people very quickly. I can decide whether or not I have a future with a person. Not as in romantic (obviously), but as in friendship. I’m getting major yuppie vibes from our new neighborhood.

I’ve witnessed groups of women huddled around each other in the middle of the street. I have been invited into one woman’s home that was high as hell off something. She then toured my house and stood in our bath tub. It is too emotionally exhausting to even explain so I am just going to continue on. I’m noticing that some of the women on our street dress, what I would consider to be, inappropriate. Everyone has this air about them that sucks the life out of me. It’s fake. All of it. If I could move our house to Charleston, SC things would be perfect. On the beach that is. Folly Beach.

There is a man that sits out in his front driveway under an umbrella. He smiles, waves, and watches. I feel assured that no criminal would ever get away from breaking into our house without a full identification from this neighbor. While walking our dogs we met him today. He seemed nice in a nosy type of way. After talking with him for a few minutes I was introduced to two other woman. They just walked up and started talking with us. Clearly, to find out who in the hell we were. One of the women took the time to read my shirt and compliment it. I’m not sure what that means. I just know this:

1. The neighbors think we are insane for the amount of trips with our mini trailer we made here (at least the one with the umbrella)
2. This neighborhood may or may not be a set for the Desperate Housewives
3. Due to COVID 19, everyone looks like they are on spring break in Cancun
4. Everyone seems to have a kid (s).
5. I need to drive a hell of a lot slower in this neighborhood so that I don’t hit one of these millions of kids. (kidding but not kidding kwim?).

Today, we FINALLY officially moved out of our old house. As in, there is nothing that we need to go back for. I’ve never been so relieved. That was the longest, hardest, most physically (and mentally) exhausting move that I have ever been through. Ever. Hopefully, I am wrong about the people here. I’m judgmental by nature because I think it helps me to understand my surroundings. Knowing what to expect and how to respond is important. It also keeps me from being able to escape a massive ball of anxiety.