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Having Depression Is Suffocating

Having Depression is like being canned in a jar. You can’t move, break out, or even breathe. I feel like a lot of people think of mental illness as being just that, mental. However, it is a physical illness too. My body gets tight, my head hurts, I start sweating, and basically curl into a ball in the dark. I sound like some kind of animal going into a menopausal hibernation. It would be funny, except that it is my reality.

My cat, Snuggs, is able to tell when I am having the darkest of days. Today, he laid his body across mine and slept. He is normally outside. They just know.

Depression makes me feel ashamed of my actions. As it progresses, I become more ashamed of the person I have become. Or lack there of. Something within me tells me I’m defected. Not good enough. Nor ever will be. The only thing I am an expert at is dealing & surviving. That is not the answer people want to hear from me though when they ask what my plans are. To society, surviving is not good enough. The answer is not acceptable. The password is incorrect. An error has occurred.

Whenever I interact with people, I feel as though I am thrown into a judgmental incinerator. This is probably why I have come to fear people, hate questions, and myself. I’ve heard that it is important to love yourself as you are. But people forget to warn you that others will most likely not. In a world most people are craving acceptance and love, I’m an outcast. It is ironic how that is.

I Found The Meep & The Purge

There has been this loud “meep meep” sound that has been terrorizing my husband and I for months now. After quite some time, we realized it was coming from the attic. Despite doing some major investigating, we could not locate it. The sound reminded me of a loud alarm beep. The sound was sporadic and would happen when you least expected it. Let me tell you, the struggle is real.

Today, I finally found the meep meep. We were taking boxes down from the attic and my husband stated that he thought the sound was in the heavy box labeled “TV.” Sure enough, later the box started randomly meeping. My husband, of course, was snoozing on the couch when it hit me. I COULD NOT TAKE ONE MORE MEEP. I ripped the tape off the box and grabbed the first guilty looking culprit. It turns out, the meep was coming from our Nest smoke detector. There of course was no OFF switch. I resolved the situation by running out to the car (at night) and chucking it into the back seat. I once did this with a Furby after being unable to get it to stop mumbo jumboing. Who knew the car could resolve so many issues. Case Closed.

Charlie does not like when I pack or clean. He wants items to stay on the floor and as dirty as possible.

Before all of this excitement took place, we unloaded many boxes from the attic. I had NO IDEA I saved so much sparkly senseless shit from the past. I’m now questioning whether or not I had a complete mental break from reality. I’m going to blame it on my Youtube shopping haul video obsession. I used to love to watch people show what they have purchased on Youtube. (OK…I still sometimes watch those videos…). I became completely inspired to buy items & discuss them on my channel. Here is a life lesson for you: Don’t do what other people are doing. It never turns out the same. Years later, my broke ass is un stuffing sparkly items from a cave. Learn from my mistakes.

So what did I do with all of these things you may be wondering? Just check the above picture. I became empowered this morning and taped together a lot of the priority USPS boxes that I recently over ordered. I wrote “FREE” in different colors across them and filled them with everything from seasonal decor, sparkly things, and items I will never use. Major props to my husband for hauling out those boxes of items he spent money on, to make me happy.

All I can say is that stuff does not make me happy in the way it used too. When I am surrounded with things, I become super anxious, depressed, and unorganized. None of those things help enhance my life. Hopefully though, the people that filled their car with my items will find their lives enhanced by them. I heard a small child ended up with my ceramic car bank. Maybe my purge became part of a fun story to his class about how he acquired a new car that can hold money. I would like to think so.

Since the day is going backwards in this blog, we will end on this morning. I was up early enough to prevent a piece of pizza from becoming my husband’s breakfast. What is it with men and cold pizza? It has become a thing, since COVID-19, that we make breakfast before watching church online. Today, I made scrambled eggs & waffles. Jeremy assisted me with the coffee. Everyone then piled onto our gray couch to watch the Seacoast church service. In case you are wondering about what time the services are online, please click here. They have great music and a relatable message, which I have always appreciated.

Not pictured is our cat Bella, who shortly joined us on top of the couch (or window). And of course me, who is holding my phone & breakfast. I do not wake up looking any sort of camera ready. If anything, my hair appears to have been hit by a category 5 tornado during the night. Therefore, I usually pass on AM Photographs.

Blueberry Waffles With Cinnamon Butter & Cheese Eggs

I feel like surviving today was in and of itself an accomplishment.

Social Isolation & Poshmark Updates

It’s interesting how normally I make an effort to isolate myself from people. Well, from the world in general. I gravitate to where it is dark and undiscovered. I’m the girl that tries to some how blend into the wall paper if I absolutely have to attend a party. (In all reality, you can find me on the back steps of the house drinking beer). And yet, with all this effort I put into staying distant, I’m currently miserable being isolated. Thrift shops are closed. Starbucks drive through closes early in the afternoon. Just going to the post office feels stressful because of this pandemic. The most exciting thing I have been doing lately is below:

I have also been putting work into my Poshmark Closet, FarmnSunflowers. Feel free to stop by. I’ve completely changed (several times) what I want to be doing with my closet. I’ve gone through so many different phases. First it was plus size clothes, then all clothes, then baby clothes, etc, etc. I’m now settled momentarily on selling self care items for women. Men are of course always welcome too. My main focus though is to put items in my closet that have an empowering, inspirational, and cozy feel to them. I took time to write out a very long list of items to look for in these categories. Then, I misplaced the dam notebook. We are moving so I do not know where much is right now. To give you a sneak peak of what I am doing, here is a photo:

I’ve started using props to use in my backgrounds, which I like. I don’t know why I have never tried using succulents in my pictures before. I also discovered a good angle to shoot my pictures. Again, if you would like to stop by to check out my closet, just click here. I’m working on listing all of my items on Mercari as well. I’m starting to lean towards Mercari over Poshmark because the shipping prices are so different. It’s really hard to convince a customer they should buy a $10 item when the shipping is $7.99. Granted, it is up to 5 lbs but that means the customer actually has to buy 5 pounds of items to make that shipping price worth it for them. I could prob count on one hand how many times that has happened in over 2 years for me. -_-

Craft Books & Motivation

Today, I got in the mail four craft books that I ordered from Poshmark. I’ve already read a good bit of The Handmade Marketplace tonight. This book is about branding your business and selling items that you have created. The advice can actually be applied to any small start up businesses. The tips on motivation I am definitely going to implement into my reselling business. Until reading The Handmade Marketplace, I had never thought of journaling when & where I got motivation from. It’s an important topic to reflect on because when I lose motivation, it is hard for me to move forward. There are times though when I feel incredibly inspired but yet cannot figure out what to create (or write). If there is a chapter on what to do in this situation, I will let you know.

Motivation is an emotion that comes and goes for me. I wish that on a daily basis I was motivated to do the same things. Or at least similar things so that some how all the work I put into projects could tie together. The reality is though that I give something 150% for a short amount of time. I then burn out or become bored and move on. How I accomplish a damn thing I am not exactly sure. All I can think of is that my desire to do the same thing, at some point, cycles back around. This enables me to continue chipping away at it (whatever that “it” is).

My husband is currently extremely motivated about his roses (and succulents). It is pitch black outside and he just came in (with a flashlight) to tell me that the weather feels amazing. Somehow, I do not feel a sudden urge go outside at 10 PM. There are few things in this world that excite my husband like his plants do. Lately, I have started taking an interest in succulents. Before, I honestly thought they were a bit hideous. It bothered me that they were mainly all green and alien looking. After becoming inspired to potentially sell them though, I became more interested. When you start seeing dollar bills instead of green leaves, your entire perception changes. This may be another momentary obsession that will fizzle out come Friday. I did purchase 3 succulents today from Home Depot. One even has some flowers on it, which I liked.

My husband just reappeared from the darkness to tell me he was out there planting cat grass & cat nip. I’m sure that my cats all share feelings of great appreciation for his nightly ventures. Our cat names Bella thinks she is of high royalty and her owners are mere peasants. She is literally in a cat class of her own. With that being said, she is also a complete stoner. She was defaced yesterday when she discovered catnip drying out in the oven. Had the oven door been open, she would have jumped straight in. When she later obtained the catnip, she inhaled it. Literally. And then went looking for more. Next time, she told me she would like to be served on a silver platter.

Speaking of Bella, I just went back to the bedroom and saw a big lump under the sheets where I sleep. This marshmallowy pudge was Bella in a ball on our queen bed. I’m telling you…she is rotten!

I’m about to watch some anime with my wired as hell husband. Hoping that I can get him to relax. He just got up and ran some frozen sausages over to the neighbor that he said he will never eat. Thankfully, the neighbor was awake and wanted the sausages. Sometimes, you have to laugh.

Zonked Husband & Target is $$ AF

Not too long ago my husband fell asleep on the couch. I knew after 3 beers, if I did not get him up now to go to bed he would be staying put. Let’s just say I would rather lift an ice berg than get him to understand why he needs to get in bed after sleeping on the couch for a while. After waking him up, he tells me it is 8:30 PM and it is too early to go to bed. I explain to him that he was just sleeping. He says he wants to watch another movie. So I say, you can either watch a movie and sleep out here or come to bed (he never likes sleeping on the couch all night). You learn things like this when you get married. He decided to go for the bed. He didn’t want to turn on any music though because he was not ready to go to sleep. I left him in the room playing his game. I would put money he fell asleep doing that in 2 mins. When I went back in the room, he was out, but still had his thumb on the game as if he was playing it. I had to take a picture.

Today has been a rough one for me. It ended better than it began so there is that. This morning I rescheduled my counseling call because I felt like I was hardly coherent. I’ve been suffering from head aches, night mares, and all around sleep issues. I just truly was not in a good mindset to do it. I thankfully was able to reschedule the call for Tuesday at 11 AM.

I just felt so completely depressed when I got up this morning. Defeated. Tired. Sad. Basically every negative word in the dictionary. I did not do my morning routine of vitamins and listening to soft music, so I am sure that set my day in the complete wrong direction. I felt like I was suffocating in the house. Being my crazy random self, I decide that in the middle of a pandemic that it is a good idea to go to Target. Again, I just needed to get out. Don’t get inspiration from me though because my ass really should have been inside. I need to learn to sew. Maybe that would keep me still for longer periods of time without feeling a mental break coming on.

Going to Target was very strange. It was nice on the way over there but so much is shut down. I want to give a shout out to the Target employee today that was taking the time to sanitize all of the shopping cards to give to customers. She saved me from having to open one of my sanitizer cloths. I was wearing a face mask when I went & used hand sanitizer in the car. The atmosphere at Target was quiet. Many shelves were cleared out. Especially, the cleaning shelves. One of these days I will see a lysol can again. I can feel it. Also, the art aisle was wiped clean. I had interest in getting a drawing pad until I saw that they were $9.99 ! Yeah, NO. The Dollar Tree sells these for $1. I did see a few fantastic journals that explained on the cover what this pandemic is making me feel like.

After giving up on the cleaning and the art section, I wandered into the clothing part of Target. The first pair of workout pants I checked the price on was $40. FORTY DOLLARS. What the hell? I got out of that section QUICK. Finally, I located a rack of T Shirts that looked soft. Surprisingly, the XXL ones looked like they would fit me. Target clothing always seems to run so small for me. I ended up with a Lion King and Garfield Tee. If they fit and I can wear them during social isolation, then they work! Oh, these shirts were $12.99 each. Which seemed reasonable to me.

One of the last sections I found at Target was the Dollar Spot. Why they call it the Dollar Spot anymore is really beyond me. It is actually difficult to find $1 items there. It’s more like $3, $5, $7, and higher. Yet, for some reason, that section always manages to pull me in. Though I almost bought Daisy some pool toys and Jeremy a seasoning grow kit, I put them back. They were just overpriced and an impulse buy. Again, I can find Daisy’s pool toys at the Dollar Tree where everything is $1.

Somehow, even with all my reasoning of items I should pick up, I still managed to spend $118. It is like REALLY? I did buy a few bags of things but dam. I got 5 plastic tote crates to help us pack, 2 shirts, 2 chips, Sargento cheese snack cups, Veggie Burgers, Veggie Chicken Nuggets, curly fries, Beer for Jeremy, some Easter paper plates that were on sale, and 4 wooden Easter Rabbits that were on sale. I’m sitting here thinking I must have gotten more than that….. Oh I got a bag of Kind Granola and Kind Peanut Butter Granola Bars. And a few Bananas. Anyway, this added up to over $100 of items. -_- I made an effort to know what I could get cheaper at Walmart, which made it a lot easier for me to walk away from some things.

It was sad driving by Goodwill and seeing it roped off. They were smart to do that though because people would have piled donations sky high outside their door. People have time right now that they do not normally have to clean out their closets. With so many being laid off, it will be interesting to see if everyone goes to the thrift store to find items to resell when they reopen. I feel that I can foresee this. I just started back my closet but know it is going to take a long time to build up my inventory again. At least now I have a direction and see more of where I want to go with reselling.

When I returned home from Target I made lunch & went outside to read. My legs are still whiter than Snow White. It is awful. But when you have Depression, you often stay inside a lot. Or want to anyway. Hence, why my skin is a stranger to the sun. I’m trying to change that by journaling, reading, and eating snacks out there. Check back in 2 years and I may have a tan line somewhere.

Jeremy ended up coming out with me later in the day. He brought the dogs out with him. I threw balls to Charlie with his Chuck It toy. We talked a lot about things that had been stressing us out. Surprisingly, I think we have better communication with each other outside as opposed too inside. It may be because nature is more of Jeremy’s element. At one point Jeremy sat behind me in the lawn chair and massaged my back. It felt nice to lean back on him and look up at the trees. We have never done that before. He said he really liked doing that. I even read him some of my decorating book, upon his request. Something about spending time outside with my husband doing something that did not involve social media felt healing. This has been a hard week and we just really needed to end it with each other.

It’s Too Early For Rock Bottom

I feel like I am hitting rock bottom. My values and perspective on life are being challenged. There are certain things that I have held strong too because it has felt right to do so. The longer I’m alive though, the more I realize nothing is as I thought it would be. Not marriage. Not career. Not security. If you had asked me when I was little what I wanted in life, I would have been overwhelmed by the enormity of the question. Today, at almost 4 AM, I still am. Answers are starting to not feel right anymore. As soon as I answer, everything changes.

I’m literally stuck in a painful, sad, and gray cloud of absolute confusion. Confusion about my decisions. My recovery. And ultimately my future. I just want to feel secure. It is such a simple word and yet, to obtain it, one must dig for a diamond with their fingernails. Is it possible for anyone to stay in a constant state of it? Could I borrow some from someone? I am so burned out. Mascara is wiped all over my shirt sleeve because I was crying yesterday. The night came too soon and everything went black. I didn’t eat dinner nor did I have a desire for anything but sleep. Covers are comforting.

How much should one person feel they need to compromise themselves? I’m a non conformist. My lack of bending either makes me brave or a complete bitch depending on who you ask. I only know how to be myself. I have expectations of those around me because I need to know I can trust & depend on people. Let me tell you, the last time I checked my friendship bank it was in the negative. I’ve become recluse, defeated, and incredibly lonely. So lonely.

I’m realizing the only person that can save me is myself. In order to make an attempt at life though I have to go through therapy, change, and a great amount of self reflection. I have to ask myself if I am wrong. Have I been doing it wrong? Why does everything become destroyed in my path? Instead of building castles, I’m blowing them up. I survive and yet, there is no one around me. No noise. No light. Just my dam self and my “values.” If I could reverse it, would I compromise myself in the name of keeping my world together?

I’m struggling this morning.

Afternoon Coffee & Switching Up Poshmark

It’s 2:30 & I just made coffee in my camera mug. These days, the inspiration to get up early is dwindling. This social distancing has become so isolating that I’m about to forget humanity is even out there. I’m thankful that I do have pets that bring comfort during this time of absolute confusion as to what to do during the day. In 2.5 hours my husband will be off of work and we will venture to Walmart to get some containers. The amount of items that I have to donate is turning into a pyramid. I’m about to dig a big hole and throw it all in. Hence, why I need containers.

A few days ago I came up with the idea to change my direction in Poshmark. Recently, I have switched from selling clothing to home decor. This was a big decision in and of itself. Then before I can really get going on that, the Corona Virus hits and I end up shutting my selling platforms down. I will tell you, it has given me a lot of time to think. A challenge I face is whether or not a reseller should actually like the items they sell. I’ve come to the conclusion that it really just depends on the person.

I can only speak for myself (obviously) but I need to sell items that I can relate to. Be that in an artistic, spiritual, emotional, etc, kind of way. Ive decided I’m going to really focus on self care because it is something that I’ve recently become passionate about. America as a whole seems to stay burned out. Whether it is from stress, financial trouble, or other things. When you forget to do kind things for yourself (mind, heart, body) you forget to love yourself. I have an opportunity with my Youtube channel and selling apps to help with this. This idea totally sparked in the darkness. But I currently feel led to sell self care items. Let us see how it goes.

Before I go any further, I want to put out this one piece of advice. Everyone can see what you write, post, or upload on the internet. Therefore, if you have any really good business ideas, you may want to invest a $1 in a notebook that only your eyes see. I love that people share & I’ve personally gotten so much inspiration from others. But when it comes to selling, you want to try to think outside the box a little. Poshmark, Mercari, and Ebay are such large platforms that you are literally selling alongside millions of resellers. Basically, if you find your edge, hide the hell out of it.

I do have a business notebook that I am going to be utilizing more to build this business vision that I have. The other day I wrote a list of items that made sense for me to sell, involving self care. I’m going to work on trying to make that list longer. With this new idea, I realized that the majority of things I am selling in my Poshmark closet will not work. This is not devastating, considering I really need a change. There were some items that could stay though, thankfully. Things would look a lot more promising if thrift stores were actually open. This challenges me to get creative though and see what I can find inside my house.

If you would be interested in checking out my Poshmark closet, Farm N Sunflowers, please click here.

This is completely random but I want to try making faux stained glass window art. I have been seeing some really beautiful stained glass on Instagram lately. It inspired me to get a book on the real thing. Off I went to Amazon to order a DIY stained glass art book. A week or so later, after receiving this book, I realized making stained glass is way harder than I thought. After putting that idea on hold, I saw someones stained glass on Facebook the other day. I realized that the artist used the faux stained glass art technique to make hers. Off I go to Pinterest to figure out how to do this. Thankfully, faux stained glass is way easier to do than the real thing! If you are interested in faux stained glass, check out thewhoot’s blog on the topic here. Hoping to find these supplies at Walmart tonight.

Easter Breakfast & Zonk Eggs

This year, the Easter Bunny will not be stopping by our house because she is in social isolation in her rabbit den. In all reality, the Easter bunny is stressed, suffering from anxiety, and trying to not watch the news. Normally, I’m the Easter bunny that makes baskets for not only my husband but also my pets. This requires going to Walmart or The Dollar Tree to get treats to put in them. Last year the pups had fun sniffing up their eggs. Yes, my pets are spoiled rotten. As is my husband.

When I was drying my hair I came up with the idea to use my Easter eggs that I had on our coffee bar for something fun. My husband and I have never done an actual Easter egg hunt. Today, that all changed. I proposed the idea to him to hide eggs in the house and compete to see who could find the most (he did). He thought it sounded fun so we decided to stuff the eggs with bacon. Yes, I did say bacon. We did not actually have any candy to put in the eggs. Thanks Covid-19. Instead, we did three prizes for the winner. 1. Free Feed The Dog Pass 2. $15 or under item from Poshmark 3. Treat to Starbucks.

Just to add something funny, I told my husband I had come up with the idea of “zonk” eggs. Meaning, these eggs would not count towards a persons total egg count. My husband felt strongly that eggs were eggs. However, he went along with the idea. For the zonk eggs I put cough drops in them so that we would know which ones did not count. My sneaky husband added some cough drops to his pocket to put into his eggs (in an effort to let me win ha!!). Even with that, I still lost. I was not good at Easter egg hunts when I was little and am still not in my 30’s. What can I say, some things never change. The Easter Egg I hid in the toilet paper roll should never have been found though, in my opinion.

I’m thankful that yesterday night we went to Walmart to get a few items to make for breakfast. I made scrambled eggs with cheese and honey biscuits with cinnamon butter. Jeremy assisted me with helping open the can of biscuits (I don’t like how it pops) and making the coffee. After eating breakfast and watching a Survivor, we listened to the Seacoast church service online. Click here for their online service page. For those that are not able to go to church, for any reason, definitely look into an online service. I have a spiritual journal that I take notes with as I drink coffee.

Though it is raining, today has not been as gloomy as I expected. Most likely because of the Easter Egg hunt. Also, Jeremy helped me with the dishes and laundry so that was nice. I’ve been feeling extremely burned out lately. I’ve doubled my medication to see if it is more effective (and with the Dr.s permission). So far, I have had headaches & felt nauseous. Not the results I was hoping for. If it does not help me go in the right direction I will just go back down. Figuring out self care is so incredibly difficult and expensive. I’m going to try to make more ideas of affordable options for my Youtube channel, located here.

Hoping wherever you are, that you had a nice Easter. That you, your family, and your friends are well. Let’s all remember to be thankful for our lives, as they are valuable. So many people have unfairly lost theirs lately. Let Easter remind you that Jesus gave his life so that we could have everlasting life. For those that believe in angels, you may find comfort from the verse below.

The angel said to the woman, “Do not be afraid , For I know that you are looking for Jesus, who was crucified. He is not here; He has risen, just as He said. Come and see the place where He lay.” Matthew 28:55-6 NIV

Fridge Broke & Coffee Sucks

I’m about to come unglued this morning. Though I did sleep in, I planned to make breakfast when I got up. After I poured a good amount of cheese into the egg mixture, I realized something was off. The cheese just smelled too strong. As with anything I do not like, I let my husband take care of it. He did a sniff & taste test to which he decided, we better not use it. (This is coming from the man that does not want to get rid of anything.) Fuck.

I’m standing there staring down at the bowl of eggs with cheese on top that I just prepared. My husband tried to convince me it could still be eaten. That we just needed to take the pyramid of sour cheese off. For some reason, I did not share in his desire to rescue this awful breakfast. Frustrated, I dumped out that bowl and decided to restart (even now there were only 3 eggs to split between the both of us).

Our fridge has been struggling with temperature recently. However, it did not click in my mind until I started working on the second breakfast that everything had dethawed. When I took the milk out, I thankfully decided to check that too so that I did not kill us with breakfast. Once again, smelled off. Husband sniffed the milk and diagnosed it as being sour. This is when it hit me that our fridge must have literally stopped working. What is worse than a pandemic? Answer: A pandemic with no fridge.

It occurs to me that the dairy things in our fridge are going to be sour. I went on a frustrated throwing away binge of dairy products. The most saddening to let go of was my coffee creamer. While my husband is on the phone texting our landlord about the fridge, I am in the kitchen trying to make coffee with almond milk. Bless all of yall healthy people that do this on a daily basis. My Simply Southern tervis filled with coffee (and almond milk) has been sitting here staring at me for quite a while. I can’t bring myself to drink it. Even if it is in a cute cup. FML.

Thankfully, I remembered that we had waffles in the freezer. All was not lost for breakfast. I made blueberry waffles which my husband seemed to like. They would have been better with eggs but not sour eggs. -_- This all feels ultra frustrating because we are in the middle of a pandemic and dairy products are limited. Usually, you can buy one of each at the store. We are not in need of cheese, creamer, milk, and yogurt. All of which I just got done buying the other day while dressed in my medical mask at Walmart.

And it is not even 12 PM yet…..

Bunny Train & Boredom

I’m sitting here listening to Charlie pant. He has been panting for what feels like forever. Charlie, our Cocker Spaniel, takes his tennis balls very seriously and clearly caught quite a few of them today. My husband went outside with the dogs to decompress after work. I don’t know about him but Charlie has been successfully decompressed.

The stress of this social distancing is really beginning to set in. When I was really sick, I did not notice much of anything. Now, I’m realizing how limited the entertainment is. It’s a good sign in a way because I know it means I’m starting to feel stronger. I am trying to resist the urge to wipe everything down with Clorox wipes. Anything that is disinfectant related is nearly impossible to find right now. This did not stop me from sweeping up the dog hair in the house several times today though.

Again, I went out and laid on the lounge chair for a while. I journaled, watched Stefanie Harlowe’s true crime Youtube Channel, got attacked by pollen, and ate snacks. If you don’t know Stefanie Harlowe, you need to. She is amazing. Check her out here. The Easter coffee bar decor video finally got filmed. Not edited. But filmed. I think it turned out cute. Jeremy seemed to like it. Jeremy’s salt rock lamp that I ordered him got put together by me as well. I knew he was going to see mine and want one. When you are married, just go ahead and order two of everything.

I read some things online about the Paleo and Vegetarian diet. I’m basically just trying to figure out how to eat healthy, lose weight, and stay alive. It is really a plus if I actually like what I am eating too. It seems like most people consider diets to be very short term events. Like, once you reach your goal all bets are off. In my case, I’m trying to find a diet which I can incorporate into my daily life. That is, for the rest of my life. The answer to my problem is probably in learning to cook everything that goes into my mouth. It is such an easy thing to say and yet such a daunting task. I’m going to figure it out though. Well, Pinterest & I are together.

Thankfully, I have not heard any virus updates of any kind today. I’m taking a hiatus from CNN and any other company that is reporting the doom that our world has come too. I psychologically just can’t handle the information daily. I hate to say that anything good could come from a pandemic, such as this one. But if anything did, I think it would be that people would appreciate more in their life. I’m so tired of being fed the bullsh*t that things make us happy. Therefore, we need to buy lots of things. That is not logic in my book or my life for that matter. I’m cleansing myself of excess. When the Titanic went down, I’m sure those that only had the shirt on their back had a better chance of treading water. Remember that lady with the big fur coat? She did not exactly make it…. just saying.

Last night, Jeremy and I turned off the TV and just lit a Woodwick candle. Those are the kinds that crackle like a fireplace. I’m sure this helped my anxiety to go down. When I finish this blog I am either going to listen to rain on Alexa or ASMR on Youtube. I’m also going to try to plan out my day tomorrow to see if that helps. Obviously, I don’t have any huge momentary obligations. However, sometimes I think just having a routine can help calm me. I tried to make a Youtube Social Distancing Routine type video today. The sun was bright so I squinted through the entire thing. Bugs also dive bombed me along with pollen. Needless to say, we are just going to delete that video and pretend it never existed….