anxiety attacks

Bunny Train & Boredom

I’m sitting here listening to Charlie pant. He has been panting for what feels like forever. Charlie, our Cocker Spaniel, takes his tennis balls very seriously and clearly caught quite a few of them today. My husband went outside with the dogs to decompress after work. I don’t know about him but Charlie has been successfully decompressed.

The stress of this social distancing is really beginning to set in. When I was really sick, I did not notice much of anything. Now, I’m realizing how limited the entertainment is. It’s a good sign in a way because I know it means I’m starting to feel stronger. I am trying to resist the urge to wipe everything down with Clorox wipes. Anything that is disinfectant related is nearly impossible to find right now. This did not stop me from sweeping up the dog hair in the house several times today though.

Again, I went out and laid on the lounge chair for a while. I journaled, watched Stefanie Harlowe’s true crime Youtube Channel, got attacked by pollen, and ate snacks. If you don’t know Stefanie Harlowe, you need to. She is amazing. Check her out here. The Easter coffee bar decor video finally got filmed. Not edited. But filmed. I think it turned out cute. Jeremy seemed to like it. Jeremy’s salt rock lamp that I ordered him got put together by me as well. I knew he was going to see mine and want one. When you are married, just go ahead and order two of everything.

I read some things online about the Paleo and Vegetarian diet. I’m basically just trying to figure out how to eat healthy, lose weight, and stay alive. It is really a plus if I actually like what I am eating too. It seems like most people consider diets to be very short term events. Like, once you reach your goal all bets are off. In my case, I’m trying to find a diet which I can incorporate into my daily life. That is, for the rest of my life. The answer to my problem is probably in learning to cook everything that goes into my mouth. It is such an easy thing to say and yet such a daunting task. I’m going to figure it out though. Well, Pinterest & I are together.

Thankfully, I have not heard any virus updates of any kind today. I’m taking a hiatus from CNN and any other company that is reporting the doom that our world has come too. I psychologically just can’t handle the information daily. I hate to say that anything good could come from a pandemic, such as this one. But if anything did, I think it would be that people would appreciate more in their life. I’m so tired of being fed the bullsh*t that things make us happy. Therefore, we need to buy lots of things. That is not logic in my book or my life for that matter. I’m cleansing myself of excess. When the Titanic went down, I’m sure those that only had the shirt on their back had a better chance of treading water. Remember that lady with the big fur coat? She did not exactly make it…. just saying.

Last night, Jeremy and I turned off the TV and just lit a Woodwick candle. Those are the kinds that crackle like a fireplace. I’m sure this helped my anxiety to go down. When I finish this blog I am either going to listen to rain on Alexa or ASMR on Youtube. I’m also going to try to plan out my day tomorrow to see if that helps. Obviously, I don’t have any huge momentary obligations. However, sometimes I think just having a routine can help calm me. I tried to make a Youtube Social Distancing Routine type video today. The sun was bright so I squinted through the entire thing. Bugs also dive bombed me along with pollen. Needless to say, we are just going to delete that video and pretend it never existed….

I Listened To An ASMR Bedtime Story

Last night, like many nights, I could not sleep even with my sleeping pill. I decided to turn to one of the very few calming things in my life. ASMR. Ever since I was young I have loved certain sound. One of my first experiences with ASMR was when I was in first grade and we took turns reading books to each other in the teacher’s rocking chair. You would think I would have enjoyed all of the readers. But there was only one main voice that l absolutely loved. This voice was of a girl that was actually very mean to me. But dam, she could relax me during story time.

It was not until I was an adult, lets just say way the hell older than 1st grade, that I stumbled upon ASMR. I realized it is actually a thing to listen to people whisper, chew gum, turn book pages, etc. Thanks to Youtube, I can listen to endless hours of these sounds. My choice for last night was, A Close Up Bedtime Reading Story Of Corduroy on Soft ASMR’s Channel. I enjoyed listening to it, as I think I loved it when I was a child. My memory is so bad from back then. My mind blocks out everything, I believe, to protect all that I do not want to remember.

If you struggle with sleeping, try ASMR Youtube videos. My favorite ASMR Artist is GraceV. Her channel can be found here. I could literally listen to her for hours and have before. You have to find your style though. What calms one person does not calm another. I love inaudible whispering which is whispering you cannot understand. It sounds weird but just try it!

Heading out. I need to make coffee. I have a therapy phone call this morning. I need that too.

COFFEE + THERAPY = GOALS

Being A Wife With Depression

I can sum it up in three words. Ready? It’s Fucking Hard.

My mental illness makes a lot of basic things hard for me. Tasks such as taking a shower, cleaning, running errands, etc, fill me with exhaustion & anxiety. On most days, I make myself do them. When I got married, more items got added to this list of essential daily chores. It feels defeating. If you could see the sink full of dishes or the wet laundry that has not yet been switched over, you would grasp my feeling of defeat. Working outside the home is also not something, at this point, I feel I can do. On top of constantly getting physically sick, I literally send my depression into a black hole. My husband also never sees me because once managers get their claws into me, I fall victim to working on a schedule that includes weekends. None of this is conducive to marriage or depression.

Before I get further down this rant, I want to state that my husband is a very good man. I believe with all my heart that God led him to me in a time of extreme darkness. He provides, loves, and gives me great comic relief daily. This blog today is not to break him down or complain about the person whom I chose to spend my life with. My husband has provided me with a life that I never expected the chance to have. On my worst days, I’m grateful to him. With that being said, I think the topic of marriage and depression is important. Both topics are aspects of my life that play a big role in who I am & what I struggle with.

It’s important to note that everyone’s marriage is different. This is something my counselor told me. Therefore, everyone’s struggle is different. There is not one structured format one must follow to be ensure a happily ever after marriage. If this book went out of print, please let me know and I will barter some clothes for it. What is acceptable in some people’s marriages today would not be in mine. And vise versa. Please remember that I am writing about my personal struggles with mental illness and marriage. If these things do not bother you, that is ok. I’m sure though, on some level, you may be able to relate.

I struggle greatly with organization. Don’t get me wrong, I love cleanliness and order. But to achieve those things takes great effort. Which on most days, I do not feel like I have. I’ve found that lists of things get me moving in the right direction. When it comes to my marriage, there are definitely times when lists are needed. One being grocery lists. The act of going grocery shopping does not bother me too much. However, the lack of control as to what I put in the buggy does. Seeing the bill after shopping can literally send me into shock. Implementing a list & sticking to it prevents me from paying for chaos. Another list that comes into play is on my “command station.” (Aka White Board From Hobby Lobby). On this board I make a list of all the bills that we need to pay each month. I check things off as I go down the list. When I get sick, super depressed, or just exhausted this list gets shot to hell. I keep working at it though.

Cleanliness deserves its own paragraph. Do you ever wish you could rent one of those huge dumpsters you see at construction sites to just empty your house into? The older I get, the more I realize the amount of anxiety that items cause me. My husband has a different outlook to cleanliness. He is satisfied with sock balls being on the couch, beer cans being left out, and the bathroom being cleaned once a year. He once told me that he wants a house to feel “lived in.” I understand and sympathize with this. However, through my eyes, his “lived in” style looks as if a tornado hit & then a tree fell on the house. This causes my anxiety to sky rocket & puts me into an all out cleaning binge, causing our Cocker Spaniel’s blood pressure to sky rocket. It’s been very challenging to find a middle ground where him and I can both survive. Notice I did not say that we are satisfied or happy. I’ve implemented laundry baskets in the bedroom. One for clean clothes and one for dirty. Despite my disdain for dirty clothes in the bedroom, I must admit this has helped with the sock balls (and other random clothing items). I’ve also tried to work on nagging him and using the word “now.” Instead of “I need you to clean this now” I make an effort to say “Before you go to bed can you do this?” It gives him responsibility and time to finish his viking war shows. Yall, it is a work in progress. That is all I can say.

Another thing about marriage & mental illness that is challenging is feeling appreciated. I stay in a constant state of mind that I am not good enough. I get frustrated easily when I do not understand how to do things or find places. Basically, any excuse I have to hate myself, I go with. It is what feels comfortable because it is what I have always done. I self sabatoge myself by drowning in these thoughts. This type of thinking is not caused by my husband. He has always told me that he loves me as I am. As time goes on though, I think he is realizing that flowers, cards, and verbal motivation help me a great deal. Men, if your wife/girlfriend/partner is struggling with self care, know that you can do something to help. Scheduling for them to get their hair done, making a tattoo appointment, buying tickets for a movie night, giving her a gift card to Starbucks, going to the gym with them…..these things help. Anything that promotes self care and self confidence is of great importance in a marriage to a person with mental illness. (or any marriage in general for that matter)

I’m going to end here because I need to take a shower & make a list of what we need to get at Costco today. Hopefully, somewhere in there I will find the strength to start packing us up for our trip next weekend. Also, my husband and I have planned to work on my blog at some point. He is currently still asleep. My chihuahua is refusing to eat her breakfast. The office is a disaster. Wish me luck. If you can identify with the crazy struggle of mental illness & marriage, feel free to comment or like this blog post. It lets me know that I am not alone. And that is a wonderful feeling.

The Struggle Is Real

Currently, I’m listening to Judge Judy and avoiding blogging about budget friendly Poshmark ideas. It’s really difficult to plan out a blog in your head when your heart is somewhere else. That somewhere else is not in the land of organization. I used to avidly follow a Youtuber that had an entire channel based on cleaning. Last time I checked, she is still vacuuming away in her new all white house. It’s interesting how our perspective changes over time. I used to envy her house, success, and channel in general. I can’t even organize the stack of books on my nightstand. Like seriously, what was I thinking wanting a cleaning channel? Still today, I come down with a serious case of the “grass is greener on the other side” syndrome. It’s crazy the places our mind will take us. Being at peace, in my opinion, is the hardest state of mind to stay in. I’ve only ever reached it in a Yoga class several years ago.

I have FIVE bags of Goodwill items sitting on my office floor. I don’t even recall what is in them. Money & I have an extremely treacherous relationship. Whenever I have too much of it, meaning anything over $5, I feel an extreme need to spend it. It does not even make sense why a feeling of excitement is there, but it is. Even if it is just going to get Starbucks, it is satisfying. Though I don’t want to admit it, spending brings light to the darkness within me. It’s an escape, a drug, and a need all at the same time. This is why we should never judge others. We all have our escapes and in similar ways, they are dangerous.

To add a few positive bits, Valentines went well. My husband showed up with multicolored roses and an expensive French Eiffel Tower card he ordered from Amazon. Though he does not write often, when he does, it is always genuine & sweet. I’m not someone who feels appreciated very much. A lot of that is probably due to my mental illness, rather than it being the actual case. It always feels nice to read from him that I am. I will keep that card in my nightstand next to the Christmas one that I like to have access too. Things started going down hill though when he picked out a movie he thought I would absolutely love. It was called, P.S I Love You. He had actually seen it himself before and was assured it would be a good experience. Everything from the character’s relationship, to how death was handled, to the bar shots, to the “romantic” letters, etc, disgusted me. I wanted to rewrite the plot because it did not happen as it should have. If you could not tell already, that movie did not put me in a romantic mood at all. Actually, if we are being real, I was ready to rip up everyone’s roses halfway through it. The movie went off when I told him I could not take it anymore and that was the end of our romantic movie night. Next time, I choose the movie.

I wish I did not chew on my hair but I find myself doing it all the time. It’s an odd way to deal with anxiety. Why is it that if we move our mouths by chewing gum, food, lips, or hair, we feel life is more manageable? There are so many habits we have, as humans, that are quite strange. Women spend an ungodly amount of money on beauty products. My thing is usually sweet smelling body spray from Bath & Body Works. One fruity mist cost as much as a nice dinner. I swear that stuff makes us smell like a fruit, tropical drink, sun tan lotion, etc, for tops of 30 seconds before the scent completely vanishes. And yet, we continue to buy it. My excuse is that I buy it on sale. However, I stand by the fact that we are all completely insane.

All fingers crossed that we have found the house we want. Today, we went to see two different houses. It was funny because one my husband liked & the other one I liked. We got to go to my house first (don’t you love how I am already claiming it?). When we walked in, things smelled & looked normal. Considering our experiences lately, that is a positive. There was a music room, larger kitchen, fenced yard, gas fireplace, big tub, raised ceilings, nursery room, lots of light, double garage, and so on. This house was in a nice neighborhood towards the back, which would be safe for our pets. It also had four bedrooms which would be so beneficial with storage. Now let me tell you above the second house….

I continue to find it shocking the magic photographers can pull on these real-estate properties. The house my husband liked did look beautiful from the outside. One of the first things I noticed was that you had to drive down a very long rocky driveway, more like a road, to get to the house. The realtor said that the neighbors most likely maintained the road. The last thing I want to do is worry about caring for a drive way. My battery is already burned out. We walked up to the front of the house and almost sunk into the mud doing so. Apparently, the rain had caused the front lawn to turn marsh like. Upon doing calisthenics to get to the front door, we realized we were supposed to go in the side door. Fun Times. Once we entered the house I noticed the low ceilings. Then there was dirt smeared on many surfaces, edges, doors, etc. The fire place was located behind the sofa, which made total sense (NOT). I know my husband liked the yard, which makes sense considering he likes yard. But that was a no for me. He knows who he married & because of that he knew that house was not happening.

Anyway, after that delightful experience, we put an offer on the first house. Currently, there are no other offers on this house. We found out that the home had a small termite infestation, which does sound disgusting. But they have hired someone to treat it & we would get a termite bond with the house to make sure the problem is taken care of. The last thing I want is a termite house, believe me. I just felt like this was the right house when I considered everything though. The owners are building a house & are not ready to leave theirs yet. If we get this home, this will give us time to help move my granddad, pack us, and then move. I wish we had enough to go on a cruise and pay people to pack us. Moving is incredibly miserable & exhausting. I’m in need of an easier lifestyle, less stress, and more opportunities to meet people. It has been so long since I have had a friend to talk to that I’m about to make friends with the ceramic Pikachu bank next to me. He looks friendly.

5 Things That Help Depression

I wanted to write about this topic because most days, I fight to remember what helps with my Depression. I’m familiar with isolation, low functioning, lack of organization, being triggered, and feeling defeated. On most days, I am not ok. I’m holding it together or swallowing all that pain down. If I knew a cure for mental illness, you better believe I would type my fingers off to explain it to you. But, I don’t. What I do have is a few tips that I have implemented in my life to bring comfort to my soul. I hope that they inspire you to look beyond your darkness and find a few stars.

1. Counseling. The first time I wrote this paragraph I ended up deleting everything. Being completely raw, let me just put it out there that I completely agree our insurance situation in America is fucked up. More often than not, those that want insurance, have to pay dearly for it. It is not fair, I agree. With that being said, seeking counsel is the first thing on my list that has truly helped me understand myself. From experience, I feel it is better to go to a clinic that has a sliding scale (income based) then to not go. Mental illness goes far beyond stress & sadness. It takes us to a place of darkness where we are crawling to find our way out. Counselors that are educated and experienced with mental illness can use a light to help guide us back. Trust me, everyone needs that at some point.

2. Scheduling & Organization are two things that are very challenging for me. And yet, I get extreme relief when I am able to simplify my life. This is probably a personality thing but for me, clutter and chaos make my depression worse. It makes doing basic things harder. Meaning my goals literally fly out the window, if I even opened the windows that is. Having a notebook to write down what you want to get done during the day can help. If you are a visual person, use a Hobby Lobby coupon and get yourself a large white board. Set up a command station where you can write & literally check off your tasks as you do them. I need to invest in another board to do this.

3. Exercise. You know those incredibly motivated people you see taking a jog out in the freezing cold rain? Yeah, I am not talking about their crazy asses. I mean if that is your thing, go for it. When I say exercise though, I mean doing something that makes you move. For me, it is getting on my treadmill, listening to loud music, and trying to drown out the world. Yoga has helped me in the past to be able to relax and center myself. For some, exercise may mean getting out of bed and walking out to get the mail. Don’t compare yourself to others because we never win that way. Create healthy habits that you do every day. And one day, I truly believe, it will get easier.

4. Journaling/Reading. My counselor inspired me to start a few different journals. You may be sitting there thinking, I don’t even have one. That was me as well a little while back. I was advised to start a positive, negative, and religious journal. I could write in any of the categories, at any time, as long as I separated them. The goal was to eventually need the negative journal less. Sometimes I do better with journaling than others. If I am having a good day, I tend to be able to write out positive & negative thoughts. If it is a bad one, I lack a desire to find a pen. I’m just being real. But writing helps me express a great deal of emotional weight I have enslaved myself too. I’m adding reading as well because there is nothing like being able to get away from reality. Reality is unbelievably over rated. I wish I could jump into characters life and see the world as they do. Thrift stores are great places to find books. And if you hate to read, I inspire you to try different types of books. I love true crime, biography, and conspiracy theory books. Hand me a fantasy novel and you better threaten me with shoving bamboo shoots up my nails for me to start reading.

5. Youtube Channel Videos. This last topic is one you probably did not expect. I really don’t promote social media as a main outlet for Depression. However, I have to say that having created a YouTube vlog channel for myself a few years ago was a good decision. It connected me with others who could identify with mental illness and those that also had similar interests. If you are not someone that wants to share your life, I totally get that. It may greatly help you though to search for videos on YouTube about others struggling with mental illness. You will learn quickly that you are not alone. If nothing else, I hope this gives you strength. ASMR is also a resource you can find on Youtube. If certain soft sounds like whispering, tapping, book reading, etc, relax you then look up GraceV. She brings my anxiety from a 10 to a 1. There are many ASMR channels out there so make sure you look into this.

I realize that this has been a long blog. If you have made it to this point, know that I appreciate it. If you personally cannot use this information, maybe there will come a time in your life where you can share it. If we each share resources & stories, then one day, maybe we can all beat this illness together. My heart goes out to you if you are struggling with symptoms that are overwhelming or that you do not understand. Try lots of different things and I hope at some point you can make a list of things that bring you peace. No matter what, keep fighting for the good days.