It is hard to describe how it feels to be me. I can describe the weather, my pets personalities, or my husbands habits. But putting energy into giving myself a definition is not something I know how to do. I can tell you that I feel overloaded. With exhaustion. With stress. With sadness. With confusion. I’ve started having regular headaches daily which has been thrilling. (NOT) When I upped my medications a few weeks ago I started to get them. After a week of trying to push through it, I gave up and went back to my normal dose. Unfortunately, the headaches did not stop. It is 3:30 PM and I want to get in the bed and lay there until tomorrow.
This is fun times considering we are moving starting tomorrow. Thankfully, last week I was able to put items into plastic containers that we got from Target. There are still things to be packed though. I would not be surprised if I just put them all into a basket and have them ride co-pilot with me over to the new house. I’m literally at that point where I don’t know what to do. Hopefully, tonight I will find strength to pack more.
Our Cocker Spaniel, Charlie, is laying on the ground wagging his little nubby tail in his sleep. It’s so dam cute. Why can’t I have dreams like that? Nightmares are all I ever have. Someone is always dying, getting hurt, tortured, I’m being chased, etc. What would a dogs version of a nightmare be? Charlie’s would probably be his inability to reach a tennis ball that he can clearly see. Like the squirrel in Ice Age, always chasing after the nut that gets away. Lucky for Charlie, he clearly found his tennis ball in today’s dream.
The book I’m reading is “That’s Mental.” It is relatable and funny, which I am enjoying. I can only read it in small doses though because it is so relatable. It’s almost as if I am reliving or being taught about mental illness. Even on my best day, that does not sound like my idea of a good time. I do think it is important though to educate myself on topics that apply to my life. Being informed helps me feel less alone. More sane if you will. That in and of itself is worth reading the book.
Goodwill has FINALLY opened back up. If that is not cause for a celebration, I do not know what is. It is refreshing just to be in an environment where I can focus on other things (that are not my emotions). Like being amongst the books. There is something magically unsaid about surrounding yourself with characters & stories. When I used to work in childcare, I learned about “redirecting” children when they are acting out as opposed to punishing. You could say that the thrift store is my redirection.
Sadly, my husband no longer enjoyed thrift shopping. We both used to get into doing it but times have changed. People’s interests change. I of all people should know that. Everyday, I seem to like a new set of things. Thankfully, thrift shopping has been pretty consistent in my life. It’s just hard not having friends to ever go with. On a daily basis, I tend to feel very alone. Most of that is my illness. Some of it is my reality. It’s hard to separate the two.
As far as what we got from the thrift store…. well….. several items. Somehow, the massive world globe for $4.99 had to come home with us. Along with a plant stand, set of galvanized angel wings (thanks to my husband finding them), brass horse, metal beaded flower, books, etc. We also stopped at a second Goodwill in SC and picked up a few more items. Currently, I can’t even remember what we got. Then today, we went back a 2nd time to one of the Goodwills. I spent under $9 on some books. Can you tell that I have a thing for buying books? When I am stressed, I want all the books. Or the true crime & advice ones anyway. My husband went outside to play on his phone while I finished looking at the books. He tries to be very patient with me but I can tell when he wants to go home.
Making a goal list may help me not go lay down. So let’s see, tonight I will pack (at least) 4 boxes. I will feed the pets. I will go get my husbands car with him that is at Firestone. I will work in my business journal some, if I can come up with some new ideas. Or anything for that matter. Ready. Set. Go! (Not) But I will do those things. Because I said I will. And strength is one of the few things I seem to always be able to reach for when in desperation. Or exhaustion. Or whatever the hell this is.
UPDATE: I did pick up my husband’s car with him (we also ran by another Goodwill…), I packed several boxes (more than 4!!), I fed all the pets, and am about to go lay down. I’m going to bring my business notebook in there with me even though I have no idea what to write. Having depression is like having rusty wheels in your brain. They literally don’t want to turn, even though they have a story to tell.
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