living with depression

Tonight I Miss Them

It’s crazy how I spend the majority of my life teetering between ice numb and strong as hell. Rarely is there a middle ground of sadness that I allow myself to feel. It is like this fortress is built around me with with guards. For a moment, I am safe because nothing can get to me. No one can leave me. Therefore, nothing could have happened. And then there is that memory that I let slip through. That one painful tear that drops. Causing all of the windows to blow out of my fortress. The bats fly in the windows. An earthquake crumbles everything to the ground. Darkness has found me, as it always does.

Tonight, I feel dark and distraught. I miss Will and Becky in a way that I can’t even explain. It is as if they did something for me just by existing. Even if they did not call, they could. Even if they did not understand, they tried. It blows the windows out of my soul when I look back and remember having to call Will to tell him Becky died. It was a horrible thing to have to do. He was so upset that he called me back after we had just talked. Fast forward a few years later and I find out on Facebook of all fucking places that something had happened too Will. There were messages on his page that did not sound right. People saying what a good person he was. I had to message someone just to figure out what was going on. He was one of those very tough biker guys that had this invincible energy. Someone that always was on the cusp of trouble but managed to escape it. He used to tell me that “I was all he had left.” When I found out he had died, I had no one to call that understood. We had always searched for each other during our lives. Amazingly, we found each other. And then everyone died.

I truly hope that they got the better end of the deal. They had both suffered for so long in different ways. Both deserved to be together, to feel love, and to get of this fucking earth that has gone to hell. Selfishly, I want them here. I’m angry they had to leave. I was not ready but the reality is, I never would be. There is never a right moment where I’m at peace with losing someone I love. There is this voice in my head that says “My time is not God’s time.” He has reasons for everything that happens. My mind cannot even begin to understand or absorb what those are. But I have faith that He knows exactly what is going on. I also know that there is a verse that says He draws near to the brokenhearted. Not only do I believe that but I have felt Him in so many instances in my life. There are never answers but there is comfort and hope. Whenever I grieve greatly I feel Him silently say that He has them. That they are ok. For that, I am so thankful.

My counselor has said that I should just take a day where I let myself cry. Let myself grieve for the little girl I was when I went through emotional trauma. For all the pain that I have numbed out. I’ve cried a lot tonight. The thing about trauma and depression is that it is a very heavy cross to bear. I have a wonderful husband but I often do not let him know the extent of my sadness. In my opinion, it is not fair to burden him with weight that is so heavy. There really is no one in this world that I would wish could feel what this is like. Sadly, I know there are many that know the exact feeling. If you are going through loss, grieving for someone you loved, or have had emotional trauma, please know that my heart absolutely goes out to you. It is a long, hot, and hard road to walk. There are no sandals & your feet always bleed. But you have to believe the road will end somewhere good. What is the point if there is no destiny. Therefore, I encourage you to rise. Keep walking. Try not to look back. When you do, you will find me. For that is where I am tonight.

I’m throwing in something completely random here but the other day I thought about the fact that God chose for the stars to be white. He could have made them blue, green, etc. But he chose white. My belief is that he chose a contrasting color to black because He knew we needed to see the stars. He knew we were going to be in great need of guidance and hope. Choosing white for us was a gift. He never intended for us to be lost. I find great comfort in that.

Balancing

I feel like I am balancing balls. Except, they are fireballs with spikes. I’m juggling them while I am on a bike, that I don’t know how to ride. I bought coffee a few hours ago and heated it up once already. I just tried it and it is cold. Fuck my life. It’s been mentally exhausting lately with counseling, healing, trust issues, and everything else that goes along with the quote, “the struggle is real.”

If anything, I have come to know that nothing gets better unless work is done. One must own their actions, learn from them, and use that knowledge to build themselves up higher. What I do not have a tolerance for is when people decide to not do those things. To put it nicely, they prefer to sit in their shit. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been there. Some days, I am still there. What gives me hope is the days where I feel progress has been made. Currently, my recovery progress is being hindered by other things and people in my life. I sympathize with mental illness and support anyone who is going through it. Dealing with conditions like Depression, Anxiety, PTSD, Bipolar, Manic Depression, Etc, I feel is one of the hardest things to explain. It’s a sickness that is invisible to others. And yet so painful to survive.

I’m in counseling and plan to be for a very long time. As is my husband. Out of respect for my marriage and him, I do not discuss in detail a lot of the things that I witness or feel related to his illness. I just want to say lately that it has been hard. To the point that I felt I was hitting a breaking point emotionally because I am so burned out. My counselor explained that it was important to get the ball back into his court so that I did not have to carry both. His counselor agreed today that one person cannot carry another. I can’t lie, I’m thankful they acknowledged that. We talked with his counselor today a while over the phone. I’m encouraged after the conversation and feel that there is a better support network there than I previously thought.

After this though, I wrote out notes about tomorrows session with one of his doctors. I also typed out an outline of today’s counseling session for us to hold onto. This is something I have even yet to do for my own counseling sessions. He came in to see what I was doing and then was about to leave the room. I asked if he appreciated that I did this stuff for him. He said that he did and gave me a hug & kiss. It sucks I always have to ask him to get that kind of response. I do not know why it is not obvious that I am fighting to save him, when I should be fighting for myself. In a marriage though, I do believe there comes a time where you need to lean on one another. Too many people these days give up, walk out, or turn to holding hostility against the other. I’ve always wanted my marriage to be much different than this. I love my husband and find him to have wonderful qualities. His heart is good, his hands are gentle, his eyes are curious, and he has some hilarious socks. Giving up or walking out are not something I consider as options. Finding resources, reaching out, and using any strength I have to help him is on the table though.

The difficult thing is, where does that leave me mentally ? When I am not ok, who is taking care of me? Or better yet, who is even noticing? I have a Mother’s With Narcissism book that I am supposed to be reading for my therapy. I’ve read very little of it. Also, the majority of my counseling sessions are now taken up discussing my husband and how things are affecting me. It’s exhausting and makes my progress feel like it is going backwards.

I hope tomorrow when we talk to his doctor that we can find a balance. That everyone can get on the same dam page. That all of this energy I am putting into helping him will be worth it. Until then, I may go buy another coffee that is actually hot. You can find me in the book section of Goodwill. Going to get out and get some fresh air. Life look differently when you do that.

Money & Success

Tonight, I am feeling defeated & depleted. Maybe I am jumping to conclusions, but I feel like most people strive for something in life. I would be willing to bet that for most it would be “money” or “success.” Neither one of those topics interests me though. It occurred to me the other day that I actually feel the most content when I have the least amount of money to decide what to do with. Who thinks like that? Apparently, me. I seem to be drawn to what feels safe and familiar. Being inside, being without, being over caffeinated, and being sad is pretty much my cup of tea.

I talked to my husband tonight in the car about needing more structure. For instance, when he is ready to leave the store, saying “I’m ready to go.” Or if I want to buy something that we can’t afford, him saying “not today.” The lack of structure in my life feels like it is drowning me. I’m the main one to make decisions. In all reality, I do not want to decide the majority of the things I have too. Though I have a dominate personality, I prefer most days just decide how many Splenda’s I want in my coffee. Needing to organize bills, the house, activities, chores, emotional states, etc, is not my main mission in life.

Without sounding conceited, I do not struggle financially anymore. We do not live hand to mouth, as I used too. I’ve also always considered my husband to be a successful person. He works as a developer doing Lord only knows what on a computer. I’m very right brained. Give me art any day. Computers…hell no. I’m proud that I married an educated man that holds admirable job titles. With all that being said, money & success are just NOT the answers to everything. If they were, I would be incredibly content, secure, and at peace with life. There would be no need for medications, advice books, or counseling. But there is. This makes me greatly concerned that the majority of the world is working towards goals that are going to hold the satisfaction of cotton candy. It tastes good for a minute and then it dissolves like air. Leaving you wondering if you had anything in your dam mouth to begin with.

If money & success are not the secret ingredients to life, what are? What makes a person look back and go, “that was all worth it” ? I would say memories but I’m hoping that is not the answer. I’ve always struggled with memory and extremely basic directional tasks are hard for me. Striving for love is completely understandable. I love my husband greatly and even on our worst days, I do not regret being with him. However, marriage challenges you. Some days, it feels like a test of emotional patience. On others, a step forward appears to have been taken. What I am getting at is that love is a choice (a very important one at that) but not the answer to the purpose of one’s life.

I almost just died without finding out the purpose of life. I’m not kidding. My husband just snuck up behind me and shook my chair saying “Earthquake!” Had I been drinking something, I would have spit it all over the computer screen. I’m going to conspire with the cats tonight so that they piss on his body pillow. I can repay them with shrimp. My terror gave him a good laugh. He then came back to ask me to calibrate my fear between 1-10. I told him that was about a 9, which he seemed happy with. He drives me crazy with the things that he does. I’m pleading the 5th when it comes to whether that crazy is bad or good.

Ok, so, back to figuring out life. From everything I have witnessed and experienced, I do not feel that the purpose in life is ones status. Anyone remember the Titanic and how the upperclass women sunk with their fur coats and jewels? I’ve lived in uppity neighborhoods before that had no free spirit air in them. There was even a neighborhood with a gate and number once. I’m sure many of those residence enjoyed saying they lived in a “gated community.” Meanwhile, I felt like I was trapped at the dam Zoo. All those clothing brands that make people of status feel important can also be found at the local thrift store. The status thing is WAY over rated.

This is a topic that I am just going to continue to think on. It is interesting how so many people think they have found THE answer to life. I need to test out all these theories and report back on how the experience went. I’m sure there is a book out there on something like that too. If so, hopefully I come across it at a thrift store so that I can update yall. In all reality though, I think many have completely lost touch with themselves on their journey to “success.” This may be the answer to why I cannot find any friends. My inability to connect with people must be because we are in two different worlds. Though it’s incredibly lonely, I’m thankful to live a life that is outside a gate.

Socializing

Tonight, my husband and I walked around the neighborhood twice. I remember a church service a while back that talked about meeting your neighbors. The sermon had recommended to try just sitting on the porch too potentially meet someone. I’m not a porch sitter, personally. Normally, when you sit on your porch, you stare at the house across from you. The exception is, if it rains or if there are cops at your neighbors house, then there is some entertainment. Anyway, we passed by our normal group of neighbors at the end of the road. I always make an emotionally painful effort to walk down to the end of the street, so that we can make contact with them.

The man under the umbrella informed us that the garbage truck had not taken our garbage can. Can I just insert the very real fact that I never want to get to a place in life where I pay attention to my neighbors trash cans. Though nice, I really wish this man would take up a dam hobby. We had a short conversation about being quite aware that our garbage can did not get picked up….because umm… yeah we did not put it out on time. This ended with a “have a nice night” as it always does. One of the other ladies that is a friend of the man under the umbrella is not someone I have associated with. Without going into detail, my intrigue of getting to know her is right up there with shoving bamboo shoots up my fingernails. I did make an effort to compliment her on one of her plants in the front yard. Quickly, I was reminded why I keep my dam mouth shut a lot. This turned into an extremely long conversation about the plant, her other plants, the sun, an old pear tree of hers that gets wasps in the summer, etc. Meanwhile, her daughter backed up in the driveway in her pink convertible electric car. Equipped with front and back lights. Did I mention, she looks like she is 4 years old. I’m done… stick a fork in me… I’m done.

Give me cats & dogs any day over the quality of people that I have been meeting lately. Grizzly, my orange cat, makes me laugh. Snuggs, my grey cat, gives me comfort. Dahlia, my black cat, brings me peace (and occasionally a small dead animal). Bella, my brown cat, keeps me on a schedule by vocalizing everything she needs. Daisy, my chihuahua, loves and accepts me unconditionally. Charlie, my cocker spaniel, reminds me to rest & makes me feel protected.

Neighbors on the other hand? Uppity as all hell. They cause my anxiety to sky rocket. How is this adding to my life? Life is supposed to be our greatest commodity. I’m not wasting it by pretending I want to smoke, drink, and gossip with people. No thanks. I just not have met the right kind of people for me. Everyone has their type that they enjoy being around.

I did meet a girl on our walk tonight. We had talked briefly to her on our walk the other day when we complimented her on her flower pots. Tonight, she was throwing something away and actually came out to meet our dogs. She said she did not even had dogs, which gave her extra points for being comfortable with meeting other dogs. I noticed her tattoos and that she had kind eyes. She said that she was often on her front porch hanging out and that we could come by any time. So far, this has been the most promising lead. She also mentioned that it took her 9 months before anyone in our neighborhood even said hey to her. I loved that because it was real. This lead me to telling her that though my husband had, I had not made any friends either. If nothing else, at least we have that in common.

Currently drinking my 100th glass of ice water with lemon. Maybe I am being dramatic, but I think I have far surpassed the 8 cups of recommended water a day. Meeting that goal used to feel so incredibly hard. I’ve realized that if you completely take out soda and limit juice by watering it down, you will drink a shit ton more water. I even make an effort to get water from restaurants when we eat out. Don’t ask me about my coffee consumption though if you are not ready to hear the answer. I realistically spend way to much on overpriced coffee. It’s not even that I am addicted to the drink. It’s the coffee house atmosphere, it’s the comfort in a cup, it’s the thought that drinking it helps me deal with life. Basically, Starbucks is one of the few outside experiences I allow myself to have. Hopefully, the water washes all the caffeine out.

Epic Fail Day & It Is Almost Over

I feel comatose. I’m not exactly sure the definition of that word but it sounds like my state of mind. Physically & emotionally, I am exhausted. The good news is, we have almost completely moved into the new house. I told my husband that we would qualify to be on the show “Hoarders” due to the massive quantity of crap (aka excessive decorations) we have everywhere. My garage sale pile is growing at a fast rate, thankfully.

This morning was eventful. I decided it would be a good idea to bring a plant stand into the kitchen. I needed something to put our Snake plant on. Well, the Snake plant stayed on the stand for maybe 30 seconds before it tipped over and shattered on the ground. There is nothing like seeing a massive pile of dirt & broken pottery in the middle of the kitchen. My husband came to the rescue but ended up clogging up the vacuum with styrofoam balls. Who knows how those got in the dirt pile. Our Cocker Spaniel, Charlie, at least once completely walked through the dirt mound. After locating the dust pan (it has been missing for days), we were able to get the dirt pile situation under control. Did I mention that our trash can has still not been delivered to our new house yet. Fun times.

Today honestly was a bit of an epic fail. We went to a gas station to grab a drink and happened to notice they had a hot bar of food. The first item that stood out was beans & rice. It looked questionable, but I figured it would be good protein. I got a side of that and some macaroni & cheese. With being a Vegetarian, the struggle is real. It is hard to find options when you are out. EVERYTHING seems to have meat in the ingredients. Anyway, by the time I got to the car and tasted the beans & rice I realized it was cooked with chicken broth. FML. The macaroni & cheese tasted like something I could not completely identify. Both ended up in the trash.

After the lunch attempt, we went on to Ollie’s. Or should I say, past Ollie’s. My husband asked me if I wanted to go there and I could not decide before we had passed it. He eventually found somewhere to make a U Turn. Ollie’s was having a pot sale. As in, plant pots. This definitely excited my husband, as he loves planting things. He kept asking me about really huge pots that were dark colors. Our styles are just different sometimes. I learned these things in Ollie’s:

Buggies (shopping carts) can only hold about 4 medium pots
Apparently, everyone in SC is gardening
For the first time, I felt I was in competition over flower pots
Deciding on which flower pots I should choose was equivalent to deciding how I want to die. (aka hard as hell)

I started with the idea to get nautical colored pots. I had these large white fish ones and this blue & white one. However, the colors did not seem right so I switched them out for multi colored fish pots. Then I decided to switch out the fish pots for a bird pot. From there I had to decide if I wanted any mini pots to go along with them. All while trying to remind myself what my husband was going to be planting in them for me. Getting caught up in buying an item because it is “cute” is a dangerous thing. Most women get caught in that web. After my husband had checked on me twice and I was still deciding, he started laughing. He had already found his pots and done a lap around the store. You know my husband was bored when he comes back with a pack of new tooth brushes. Logic aside, I finally decided on three bohemian looking pots. This was after stress, sweating, and dare I say panic. Pot panic that is.

After the Ollie’s adventure and spending almost $100 on pots… we headed over to Costco. Costco is supposed to save people money. And yet, I guarantee the majority come out spending more. They have a huge selection of items that appeal to women, men, and children. Everything from flat screens, beach chairs, garden plants, etc. We came out of there spending $87. It is crazy to look at your total and then see what you have in your buggy. A few of the things we grabbed were some milk, bananas, snacks, frozen stir fry, cereal, and cat food. It is fucking expensive to live.

Oh, on top of the shopping bill, my skin in Costco decided it wanted to have an allergic reaction. I was wearing a sleeveless top with some embroidery at the top. This embroidery has never bothered me before. In the store I started to feel itchy, as if my skin wanted to high tale it off my body. That is never a good sign. We looked for a shirt we could buy so that I could take the one I had on, off. Unfortunately, there were none. Even though my husband had been driving all day he drove us home, which I greatly appreciated. I could not get out of that shirt & bra fast enough when I got home.

My husband, dogs, and I am sure at least 2 cats are asleep in the bed we have downstairs. We are supposed to make 1-2 more trips over to the old house to get what is left. I’m thinking at this point, that may be happening tomorrow. I’m about to go feed the pets, let them out, and then probably lay down. I just wanted to write an update before I did that. It has been a crazy few weeks that is for sure. I’m relieved we chose this house. The yard is large & fenced, the front door actually stays closed (don’t ask), the tubs are made large enough for a human body, and there are extra rooms. Once we complete our move from the old house, I think we will feel a lot better.

Moving With Anxiety

Something about me is that when I start cleaning (or packing) I have a hard time stopping. There is nothing wrong with being on a roll but I take it to the extreme where I about break my back. I have to force myself to stop moving & panicking. I’m sure it is an anxiety thing. I just went and counted the number of bins & boxes that I stuffed today. There are 4 gray large bins and 12 Priority size boxes. That is way more then I thought I packed.

I did do a Starbucks run this afternoon. I was slightly worried that the baristas were going to spit in my coffee, as I arrived there 5 minutes before they closed. My coffee was accidentally made iced but they were awesome and remade it, while allowing me to keep the other one for free. My husband got a Vanilla Creme Frappachino with an iced coffee on the side. Once I arrived back with the coffee, I grabbed my book:

My Coffee & My Cat :

Snuggs is obsessed with this mustard colored knit blanket.

And headed outside to lay on the lawn chair. I’ve decided that reading outside is not so bad. It’s a way for me to get sun and yet not move at the same time. For Snuggs & I, it works. I’m almost done with my book called “That’s Mental.” After I finish that one, I will move on to the new Scott Peterson one I got the other day. And by “new” I mean Goodwill for $1. True crime is not a topic I read about much anymore but his case continues to fascinate me.

I’m going to end on the latest thing that I have created at night. For some reason, night time is when I make sporadic decisions. Normally, they consist of online purchases. As you can see above, I am the new owner of a stained glass clock from Mercari. Here are two true facts. 1. It was $9. 2. I was not even positive this morning if I in fact bought it. After double checking, I can confirm that I did.

A few nights ago, I decided to start a mental illness Instagram page. I still have my personal one at : https://www.instagram.com/farmnsunflowers . However, I decided that I wanted an additional account to just post mental illness awareness things too. Realistic, funny, and relatable type material for those of us that live isolated (I’m not referring to COVID-19)…. I’m talking about a lifestyle. I will see how it goes. If you are interested in checking out my new page & supporting my cause, click the link here: https://www.instagram.com/shelterfromherstorm . Hopefully it will help people (and myself) on hard days.

I’m off to help haul all the boxes I packed over to the new house. Thankfully, my husband is loading the trailer and driving. So I should be alive tomorrow for an update. (sarcasm)

Nightmares

Last night I had a long nightmare about trying to get away from someone. I first tried to reason with them, then console them, and then escape them. Apparently, the house caught on fire and the person that was chasing me was downstairs, while I hid in the attic. I have no knowledge of how the fire started but I know I was in a desperate state to survive. The person chasing me, ended up living. This is important to note because I am not a killer. Not even in my nightmares. Not even too that which chases me. You don’t have much control (if any) when you are asleep though. And yet, I still take these horrific visions I have personally.

What I do know is that my nightmares are tied to my past. I’m aware of who is chasing me, though I will not write their name. They don’t deserve the satisfaction that they are still somehow victimizing me. They come to me often at night, since they can’t get close during the day. Waking up from these kinds of nights is awful. My hair is a hot tangled mess. I’m exhausted beyond belief. And the morning has not even started. I actually fell back asleep after getting up this morning. Thankfully, I woke up in time to set a short alarm before my counseling appointment.

I’m so tired of running, grief, and lack of understanding. It’s hard to figure out if I isolate myself or if the world isolates itself from me. Nature and sunshine is definitely calming, when I gather the strength to be in it. It rained yesterday though so I think everything is wet out there. So is my soul. My husband is on a business call, laundry needs to be done, dishes are stacking up, things need to get packed…. fuck. I am over it. Change. Rollercoasters. And trying to figure out how to survive them both. I’ve started having chronic headaches which is fun. I’m pretty sure that my brain is trying to explode from stress.

I Found The Meep & The Purge

There has been this loud “meep meep” sound that has been terrorizing my husband and I for months now. After quite some time, we realized it was coming from the attic. Despite doing some major investigating, we could not locate it. The sound reminded me of a loud alarm beep. The sound was sporadic and would happen when you least expected it. Let me tell you, the struggle is real.

Today, I finally found the meep meep. We were taking boxes down from the attic and my husband stated that he thought the sound was in the heavy box labeled “TV.” Sure enough, later the box started randomly meeping. My husband, of course, was snoozing on the couch when it hit me. I COULD NOT TAKE ONE MORE MEEP. I ripped the tape off the box and grabbed the first guilty looking culprit. It turns out, the meep was coming from our Nest smoke detector. There of course was no OFF switch. I resolved the situation by running out to the car (at night) and chucking it into the back seat. I once did this with a Furby after being unable to get it to stop mumbo jumboing. Who knew the car could resolve so many issues. Case Closed.

Charlie does not like when I pack or clean. He wants items to stay on the floor and as dirty as possible.

Before all of this excitement took place, we unloaded many boxes from the attic. I had NO IDEA I saved so much sparkly senseless shit from the past. I’m now questioning whether or not I had a complete mental break from reality. I’m going to blame it on my Youtube shopping haul video obsession. I used to love to watch people show what they have purchased on Youtube. (OK…I still sometimes watch those videos…). I became completely inspired to buy items & discuss them on my channel. Here is a life lesson for you: Don’t do what other people are doing. It never turns out the same. Years later, my broke ass is un stuffing sparkly items from a cave. Learn from my mistakes.

So what did I do with all of these things you may be wondering? Just check the above picture. I became empowered this morning and taped together a lot of the priority USPS boxes that I recently over ordered. I wrote “FREE” in different colors across them and filled them with everything from seasonal decor, sparkly things, and items I will never use. Major props to my husband for hauling out those boxes of items he spent money on, to make me happy.

All I can say is that stuff does not make me happy in the way it used too. When I am surrounded with things, I become super anxious, depressed, and unorganized. None of those things help enhance my life. Hopefully though, the people that filled their car with my items will find their lives enhanced by them. I heard a small child ended up with my ceramic car bank. Maybe my purge became part of a fun story to his class about how he acquired a new car that can hold money. I would like to think so.

Since the day is going backwards in this blog, we will end on this morning. I was up early enough to prevent a piece of pizza from becoming my husband’s breakfast. What is it with men and cold pizza? It has become a thing, since COVID-19, that we make breakfast before watching church online. Today, I made scrambled eggs & waffles. Jeremy assisted me with the coffee. Everyone then piled onto our gray couch to watch the Seacoast church service. In case you are wondering about what time the services are online, please click here. They have great music and a relatable message, which I have always appreciated.

Not pictured is our cat Bella, who shortly joined us on top of the couch (or window). And of course me, who is holding my phone & breakfast. I do not wake up looking any sort of camera ready. If anything, my hair appears to have been hit by a category 5 tornado during the night. Therefore, I usually pass on AM Photographs.

Blueberry Waffles With Cinnamon Butter & Cheese Eggs

I feel like surviving today was in and of itself an accomplishment.

Social Isolation & Poshmark Updates

It’s interesting how normally I make an effort to isolate myself from people. Well, from the world in general. I gravitate to where it is dark and undiscovered. I’m the girl that tries to some how blend into the wall paper if I absolutely have to attend a party. (In all reality, you can find me on the back steps of the house drinking beer). And yet, with all this effort I put into staying distant, I’m currently miserable being isolated. Thrift shops are closed. Starbucks drive through closes early in the afternoon. Just going to the post office feels stressful because of this pandemic. The most exciting thing I have been doing lately is below:

I have also been putting work into my Poshmark Closet, FarmnSunflowers. Feel free to stop by. I’ve completely changed (several times) what I want to be doing with my closet. I’ve gone through so many different phases. First it was plus size clothes, then all clothes, then baby clothes, etc, etc. I’m now settled momentarily on selling self care items for women. Men are of course always welcome too. My main focus though is to put items in my closet that have an empowering, inspirational, and cozy feel to them. I took time to write out a very long list of items to look for in these categories. Then, I misplaced the dam notebook. We are moving so I do not know where much is right now. To give you a sneak peak of what I am doing, here is a photo:

I’ve started using props to use in my backgrounds, which I like. I don’t know why I have never tried using succulents in my pictures before. I also discovered a good angle to shoot my pictures. Again, if you would like to stop by to check out my closet, just click here. I’m working on listing all of my items on Mercari as well. I’m starting to lean towards Mercari over Poshmark because the shipping prices are so different. It’s really hard to convince a customer they should buy a $10 item when the shipping is $7.99. Granted, it is up to 5 lbs but that means the customer actually has to buy 5 pounds of items to make that shipping price worth it for them. I could prob count on one hand how many times that has happened in over 2 years for me. -_-

It’s Too Early For Rock Bottom

I feel like I am hitting rock bottom. My values and perspective on life are being challenged. There are certain things that I have held strong too because it has felt right to do so. The longer I’m alive though, the more I realize nothing is as I thought it would be. Not marriage. Not career. Not security. If you had asked me when I was little what I wanted in life, I would have been overwhelmed by the enormity of the question. Today, at almost 4 AM, I still am. Answers are starting to not feel right anymore. As soon as I answer, everything changes.

I’m literally stuck in a painful, sad, and gray cloud of absolute confusion. Confusion about my decisions. My recovery. And ultimately my future. I just want to feel secure. It is such a simple word and yet, to obtain it, one must dig for a diamond with their fingernails. Is it possible for anyone to stay in a constant state of it? Could I borrow some from someone? I am so burned out. Mascara is wiped all over my shirt sleeve because I was crying yesterday. The night came too soon and everything went black. I didn’t eat dinner nor did I have a desire for anything but sleep. Covers are comforting.

How much should one person feel they need to compromise themselves? I’m a non conformist. My lack of bending either makes me brave or a complete bitch depending on who you ask. I only know how to be myself. I have expectations of those around me because I need to know I can trust & depend on people. Let me tell you, the last time I checked my friendship bank it was in the negative. I’ve become recluse, defeated, and incredibly lonely. So lonely.

I’m realizing the only person that can save me is myself. In order to make an attempt at life though I have to go through therapy, change, and a great amount of self reflection. I have to ask myself if I am wrong. Have I been doing it wrong? Why does everything become destroyed in my path? Instead of building castles, I’m blowing them up. I survive and yet, there is no one around me. No noise. No light. Just my dam self and my “values.” If I could reverse it, would I compromise myself in the name of keeping my world together?

I’m struggling this morning.