major depressive dissorder

Suffering From Depression

The thing about depression is that some days I feel nothing. On those days, I’m confused and feel guilty for the lack of emotion towards that which is dear to me. The other days are like tonight (to be exact 11 PM), where everything hurts. Especially my heart. During nights like this I just lay in the dark and cry. I miss people I can’t bring back. It’s not just that I miss them but I need them. Grief is overwhelming in that it kills you from the inside out. When people actually notice I’m in pain, it is because I’m overflowing with it. The pressure is so great that my eyes leak out the loss.

Emotionally, I am so very lonely. My husband is a dear friend and I do not know how I would have ever made it this far without him. Something I have learned in life though is that people can’t be everything for me. Or better yet, I should not ask them to be. They can’t carry the weight of my grief. No one can fulfill or understand every need. Hell, I don’t even understand what I need. Some wounds were made before I can even remember. Over time, these injuries have turned into scars that still hurt from time to time. I’m human. I ask why and cry because it feels unfair. God knows whats in my heart. Despite everything I’ve been through, I know He has always been by my side.

I miss seeing the sun. Where we live it rains all the time. Rain feels gloomy and sad. Instead of being relaxing it has become an expected event. I took the sun for granted before we moved. There needs to be color & light. My soul needs that. Yesterday, I wanted to learn to sew. Today, I wanted to learn to make stained glass. Basically, I need f*cking creative relief.

I’m also burned out from trying to be good enough at anything. A person that is “successful” or better yet, at least feels that way. It’s a very hard journey. Just trying to find myself is one of the most challenging things I’ve ever done. Some days, I’m organized and able to see a clear path. Others, everything is a disaster and I’m no longer interested in what I was the day before. I’m not sure what causes me to want to cook, create, read, and then hate the idea of doing those things again. Is it an anxiety thing? I can’t even stick to one form of art without getting frustrated and moving onto the next idea. Pinterest is a relief because it allows me to pin hundreds of ideas that, at some point, I may like again.

Things that are making me sad right now are that:

It is 11:12. I forgot to make a wish at 11:11

My health is pretty much fucked

My grandmother is gone

My biological dad. Just everything.

Lack of friendship

Loneliness

Feeling overwhelmed

I like lists. What can I say. At least the word “like” is somewhere in this post.

Is it better to feel everything or to feel nothing? I wish I could find some form of middle ground where I could just deal with things. Maybe the longer I am in therapy, I will learn how to do this. I’ve noticed that I’ve started picking at my lip. Also, for a while now, my nail polish has become extremely chipped before I will take it off. My car gets cleaned less and often has things thrown around in it. In these small things, I can see the progression of depression and the effects it has on me. It’s scary and I’m tired. So tired.

Being A Wife With Depression

I can sum it up in three words. Ready? It’s Fucking Hard.

My mental illness makes a lot of basic things hard for me. Tasks such as taking a shower, cleaning, running errands, etc, fill me with exhaustion & anxiety. On most days, I make myself do them. When I got married, more items got added to this list of essential daily chores. It feels defeating. If you could see the sink full of dishes or the wet laundry that has not yet been switched over, you would grasp my feeling of defeat. Working outside the home is also not something, at this point, I feel I can do. On top of constantly getting physically sick, I literally send my depression into a black hole. My husband also never sees me because once managers get their claws into me, I fall victim to working on a schedule that includes weekends. None of this is conducive to marriage or depression.

Before I get further down this rant, I want to state that my husband is a very good man. I believe with all my heart that God led him to me in a time of extreme darkness. He provides, loves, and gives me great comic relief daily. This blog today is not to break him down or complain about the person whom I chose to spend my life with. My husband has provided me with a life that I never expected the chance to have. On my worst days, I’m grateful to him. With that being said, I think the topic of marriage and depression is important. Both topics are aspects of my life that play a big role in who I am & what I struggle with.

It’s important to note that everyone’s marriage is different. This is something my counselor told me. Therefore, everyone’s struggle is different. There is not one structured format one must follow to be ensure a happily ever after marriage. If this book went out of print, please let me know and I will barter some clothes for it. What is acceptable in some people’s marriages today would not be in mine. And vise versa. Please remember that I am writing about my personal struggles with mental illness and marriage. If these things do not bother you, that is ok. I’m sure though, on some level, you may be able to relate.

I struggle greatly with organization. Don’t get me wrong, I love cleanliness and order. But to achieve those things takes great effort. Which on most days, I do not feel like I have. I’ve found that lists of things get me moving in the right direction. When it comes to my marriage, there are definitely times when lists are needed. One being grocery lists. The act of going grocery shopping does not bother me too much. However, the lack of control as to what I put in the buggy does. Seeing the bill after shopping can literally send me into shock. Implementing a list & sticking to it prevents me from paying for chaos. Another list that comes into play is on my “command station.” (Aka White Board From Hobby Lobby). On this board I make a list of all the bills that we need to pay each month. I check things off as I go down the list. When I get sick, super depressed, or just exhausted this list gets shot to hell. I keep working at it though.

Cleanliness deserves its own paragraph. Do you ever wish you could rent one of those huge dumpsters you see at construction sites to just empty your house into? The older I get, the more I realize the amount of anxiety that items cause me. My husband has a different outlook to cleanliness. He is satisfied with sock balls being on the couch, beer cans being left out, and the bathroom being cleaned once a year. He once told me that he wants a house to feel “lived in.” I understand and sympathize with this. However, through my eyes, his “lived in” style looks as if a tornado hit & then a tree fell on the house. This causes my anxiety to sky rocket & puts me into an all out cleaning binge, causing our Cocker Spaniel’s blood pressure to sky rocket. It’s been very challenging to find a middle ground where him and I can both survive. Notice I did not say that we are satisfied or happy. I’ve implemented laundry baskets in the bedroom. One for clean clothes and one for dirty. Despite my disdain for dirty clothes in the bedroom, I must admit this has helped with the sock balls (and other random clothing items). I’ve also tried to work on nagging him and using the word “now.” Instead of “I need you to clean this now” I make an effort to say “Before you go to bed can you do this?” It gives him responsibility and time to finish his viking war shows. Yall, it is a work in progress. That is all I can say.

Another thing about marriage & mental illness that is challenging is feeling appreciated. I stay in a constant state of mind that I am not good enough. I get frustrated easily when I do not understand how to do things or find places. Basically, any excuse I have to hate myself, I go with. It is what feels comfortable because it is what I have always done. I self sabatoge myself by drowning in these thoughts. This type of thinking is not caused by my husband. He has always told me that he loves me as I am. As time goes on though, I think he is realizing that flowers, cards, and verbal motivation help me a great deal. Men, if your wife/girlfriend/partner is struggling with self care, know that you can do something to help. Scheduling for them to get their hair done, making a tattoo appointment, buying tickets for a movie night, giving her a gift card to Starbucks, going to the gym with them…..these things help. Anything that promotes self care and self confidence is of great importance in a marriage to a person with mental illness. (or any marriage in general for that matter)

I’m going to end here because I need to take a shower & make a list of what we need to get at Costco today. Hopefully, somewhere in there I will find the strength to start packing us up for our trip next weekend. Also, my husband and I have planned to work on my blog at some point. He is currently still asleep. My chihuahua is refusing to eat her breakfast. The office is a disaster. Wish me luck. If you can identify with the crazy struggle of mental illness & marriage, feel free to comment or like this blog post. It lets me know that I am not alone. And that is a wonderful feeling.

Morning Rituals & A Mouse For Breakfast

My insomnia from the flu & depression has kicked up a notch. The result has been that I’ve read a lot more Pinterest articles on how to improve life. I would be doing a disservice to you to not mention a few of these blog posts that have inspired me. Click on the title to be taken to the article. The first being 5 Morning Rituals For A Magical Day . I can see how my lack of rituals takes a tole on my depression. It’s hard enough to get out of bed but when that is accomplished, what is it I’m supposed to do? If that does not sound like the laziest thing ever then I don’t know what does so we are going to move on quickly…Clearly, I need rituals. The second article being The Importance Of A Sacred Space & How To Create One. What I loved about these articles is that they give you a variety of ideas on how to create peace in your day. There is no set in stone answer about finding it, but these get you on the right track.

As far as morning rituals go, there is one thing I can always count on. My cat, Snuggs, does not miss a beat when it comes to staring me out of bed.

His whiskers are so long that they do not even fit in the frame. Lately, he has been more patient with me and has postponed his clawing the bedside as a last resort. Snuggs, I believe, understands that I have depression. I’ve read that cats can tell whether your temperature is a couple of degrees off or if you have a disease like cancer. Correct me if I am wrong but I think it has something to do with your body chemistry that they smell. I tried to research whether cats know we have Depression. The majority of all the results were of articles on if our cat, in fact, has depression. Not exactly what I was going for. Not to say it could not happen but my cats seem more stable than me on their average day (whatever that is exactly). I asked Alexa “does my cat know if I have Depression?” She literally malfunctioned. And people think technology is so smart….

I read a really interesting article on WordPress the other day. Of course, I did not save it so I had to search it out again. Click on the title to take a look “Lavender-Infused Bullshit: A Post On Supporting Loved Ones With Mental Illness” . First off, I am obsessed with the title because it just literally grabs your eyeballs. This article is about appropriate gifts to give someone struggling with mental illness. I’ve thought about a lot of things, but this is not one of them. The writer definitely had an understanding of my condition & what would truly be helpful. One of the things she wrote about was food. Sending food or something you have prepared to drop off. I swear, cats just KNOW. This morning, right on the front doorstep, I found the tiniest little delivery.

My sweet black cat, Dahlia, must have been reading the same article I had been. This just goes to show how everyone’s perception of things is different. Instead of being very upset with her, I instead felt gratitude that she thought enough of me to catch me breakfast. I’m sure it took effort and that she was quite proud. I gave Dahlia a soft cat treat and secretly snuck my “breakfast” into a trash bag outside. Such a sweet little mouse. I feel sad that you had to lose your life but hope you know, it did mean something. It reminded me that I was thought of, and in my world, that is a big deal.

Everything Is Gray

I see my past play out in other peoples lives. There is a great need within me to save myself & them from what I know is to come. This need comes in the form of a rage that I set things on fire with. It’s incredibly suffocating living in this gray area. I can’t change the past nor the future. I’m stuck drowning in this abyss of a gray area in between the two. The world has lost all of its color. I’ve never given up searching for it in art, fabrics, and photographs. Where I live, the skies are always gray. People are gray. The grass is gray. I’m sad for the world. I believe there was a time it was beautiful. One day, maybe someone will paint it again.

Poshmark: 8 Orders 1 NIGHT

Tonight, I feel like I should have had several cups of coffee. I’m trying to limit my caffeine intake so I survived off a few bottles of water. Fun times. I packaged up 8 Poshmark, Mercari, And Ebay Orders tonight. Currently, my Ikea bag is full to the brim with boxes & polymailers. Don’t ask me what I packaged, I’m too tired to remember. It’s a tough thing when I vent about reselling because, on the one hand, I am thankful to HAVE orders. I’ve had those days where I literally was waiting for any sign of one. Literally wanting to yell “Is anyone alive out there?” If you are a reseller, I am sure you can relate. Recently, I changed up my pricing strategy. Basically, I gave the hell up on my last strategy to profit a good amount off each item. By a good amount, I mean at least $10. Let me tell you, you could hear crickets in my closet when I tried that plan out.

I’m coming to a place where I am realizing that people want simplicity. Customers enjoy an easy to browse closet that contains a variety of items. Since Poshmark decided to hike up their prices (higher than the high rise jeans girls wear today) customers are now looking to pay bottom dollar for items. This means basically that I am screwed. Seriously. As a reseller, it cost so much money to acquire inventory when you are selling clothes. It does depend on where you live, but from what I can tell the prices are sky rocketing at all goodwills all over the country. I’m backing off from selling clothes. It’s too dam expensive to pay $4-$5 for one item that I have to hope will sell soon after. I’m now looking more into selling plush, throw pillows, home decor, coffee mugs, art, and basically anything of quality that I can get for under $3. Goodwill, I hope you are not reading this…. so help me if throw pillows go to $10 a pop.

For a while, I had categories in my closet because I thought it looked nice to split up items. I now think though that this may distract and confuse the customer because unfortunately, my category thumbnails are not always where they are supposed to be. When you share things on Poshmark, everything goes to the top. Somehow I always manage to miss a few items though, causing my closet to be a scramble of things. Tonight, the categories were deleted. I also changed my prices to nicer looking numbers. Maybe you are laughing. There are people out there though that like to see numbers like $10, $15, $20 and so on. As opposed to $6, $17, $89. The majority of items in my closet are priced between $15-$50. There are a few pieces of art that do jump higher but overall, that is the range. So far, two people have bundled a lot of items that they did not purchase. One person stated under my add that my item was from the Dollar Tree. Don’t you just love how customers love to help you advertise? -_- (That comment will go away because I flagged it.) One person on Poshmark purchased a vintage ceramic cat from me for $20. Another bought a Haagar jacket for $13 that I would never purchase again. On Mercari, my Disney Maui Plush sold for $9. His tattoos are cute but not enough for me to buy him again. I’ve had a Poshmark potential customer ask for measurements of an item. I swear, whenever that happens, people never purchase. I often wonder how people have the time to know their exact measurements. That is just me being tired and judgemental. Anyway, so far, that is what is happening. Success or no? I’m not exactly sure.

Tonight, while laying horizontally, I will make a thumbnail for this blog post. It was not a priority tonight though. Getting on the treadmill however was. In January I was SO motivated to exercise, go to the gym, and drink lots of water. What happens to people in February ? It is like I have multiple personalities when it comes to working out. This month has been very difficult and I’ve been off track daily. I’m still drinking bottled water but not as much. I need to put more energy into that because I can see how it makes me stay full. Last night I also got on the treadmill & thought I was on a roll. Tonight, a sloth looks energized compared to me. It’s 11 PM & I just don’t think walking for 30 minutes is going to happen. I will have to make sure it gets done tomorrow. I love being organized but have realized that I struggle greatly with it. When my depression gets bad, I lose track of tracking bills and keeping the office in a manageable state. My car and pocket book also start looking like I am a hoarder. I’m in a gray area right now because for a minute, I ran out of my medications. It is crazy how we can feel regular but in reality are plummeting downhill. Since getting my refill, I’m realizing that I definitely was doing that. My nightstand is stacked with unread books too. I tend to start buying lots of books when I’m feeling incredibly alone. Thankfully, the thrift store sells them cheap & will take them back as donations when I come to my senses that they are not getting read.

On that note, I am out -_- literally.

5 Things That Help Depression

I wanted to write about this topic because most days, I fight to remember what helps with my Depression. I’m familiar with isolation, low functioning, lack of organization, being triggered, and feeling defeated. On most days, I am not ok. I’m holding it together or swallowing all that pain down. If I knew a cure for mental illness, you better believe I would type my fingers off to explain it to you. But, I don’t. What I do have is a few tips that I have implemented in my life to bring comfort to my soul. I hope that they inspire you to look beyond your darkness and find a few stars.

1. Counseling. The first time I wrote this paragraph I ended up deleting everything. Being completely raw, let me just put it out there that I completely agree our insurance situation in America is fucked up. More often than not, those that want insurance, have to pay dearly for it. It is not fair, I agree. With that being said, seeking counsel is the first thing on my list that has truly helped me understand myself. From experience, I feel it is better to go to a clinic that has a sliding scale (income based) then to not go. Mental illness goes far beyond stress & sadness. It takes us to a place of darkness where we are crawling to find our way out. Counselors that are educated and experienced with mental illness can use a light to help guide us back. Trust me, everyone needs that at some point.

2. Scheduling & Organization are two things that are very challenging for me. And yet, I get extreme relief when I am able to simplify my life. This is probably a personality thing but for me, clutter and chaos make my depression worse. It makes doing basic things harder. Meaning my goals literally fly out the window, if I even opened the windows that is. Having a notebook to write down what you want to get done during the day can help. If you are a visual person, use a Hobby Lobby coupon and get yourself a large white board. Set up a command station where you can write & literally check off your tasks as you do them. I need to invest in another board to do this.

3. Exercise. You know those incredibly motivated people you see taking a jog out in the freezing cold rain? Yeah, I am not talking about their crazy asses. I mean if that is your thing, go for it. When I say exercise though, I mean doing something that makes you move. For me, it is getting on my treadmill, listening to loud music, and trying to drown out the world. Yoga has helped me in the past to be able to relax and center myself. For some, exercise may mean getting out of bed and walking out to get the mail. Don’t compare yourself to others because we never win that way. Create healthy habits that you do every day. And one day, I truly believe, it will get easier.

4. Journaling/Reading. My counselor inspired me to start a few different journals. You may be sitting there thinking, I don’t even have one. That was me as well a little while back. I was advised to start a positive, negative, and religious journal. I could write in any of the categories, at any time, as long as I separated them. The goal was to eventually need the negative journal less. Sometimes I do better with journaling than others. If I am having a good day, I tend to be able to write out positive & negative thoughts. If it is a bad one, I lack a desire to find a pen. I’m just being real. But writing helps me express a great deal of emotional weight I have enslaved myself too. I’m adding reading as well because there is nothing like being able to get away from reality. Reality is unbelievably over rated. I wish I could jump into characters life and see the world as they do. Thrift stores are great places to find books. And if you hate to read, I inspire you to try different types of books. I love true crime, biography, and conspiracy theory books. Hand me a fantasy novel and you better threaten me with shoving bamboo shoots up my nails for me to start reading.

5. Youtube Channel Videos. This last topic is one you probably did not expect. I really don’t promote social media as a main outlet for Depression. However, I have to say that having created a YouTube vlog channel for myself a few years ago was a good decision. It connected me with others who could identify with mental illness and those that also had similar interests. If you are not someone that wants to share your life, I totally get that. It may greatly help you though to search for videos on YouTube about others struggling with mental illness. You will learn quickly that you are not alone. If nothing else, I hope this gives you strength. ASMR is also a resource you can find on Youtube. If certain soft sounds like whispering, tapping, book reading, etc, relax you then look up GraceV. She brings my anxiety from a 10 to a 1. There are many ASMR channels out there so make sure you look into this.

I realize that this has been a long blog. If you have made it to this point, know that I appreciate it. If you personally cannot use this information, maybe there will come a time in your life where you can share it. If we each share resources & stories, then one day, maybe we can all beat this illness together. My heart goes out to you if you are struggling with symptoms that are overwhelming or that you do not understand. Try lots of different things and I hope at some point you can make a list of things that bring you peace. No matter what, keep fighting for the good days.

Surviving Mental Illness

The majority of my life can be described in these three title words, “Surviving Mental Illness.” There is much I do not understand about this condition but I know for a fact these things:

-There is almost non existent affordable help for those suffering from depression, anxiety, and other mental illnesses. Hope comes in the form of an insurance card, which so few can afford today.

-Take away someone’s hope and the only light they see is coming from the door under death.

-Society continues not to acknowledge the mental illness epidemic in America. Those who suffer only have life lines with others that are in the same boat. Everyone in this category though is sick, burned out, and fighting to breath. The boat is drowning.

-Being a YouTube Channel Creator, I know for a fact that videos on mental illness get demonetized immediately. Brands with commercials will not align themselves with others rallying to save lives. And yet, their commercials are often about changing lives. Do you see the irony?

I want to know when the world is going to wake up and realize that we live in the UNITED States. We stand on the soil of a free country and have exposure to tools (like social media) that can be used to inform, counsel, and support each other. People that commit suicide are just like you and me. They have made people smile, broken hearts, sought out peace, changed others minds, traveled to new places, lost loved ones, created art, and so much more. Can’t you find yourself in them? Acknowledge that Mental Illness is real and rally for reform. People with these illnesses, including myself, should not always have to live in the silent background of a tragedy.