mental illness

Balancing

I feel like I am balancing balls. Except, they are fireballs with spikes. I’m juggling them while I am on a bike, that I don’t know how to ride. I bought coffee a few hours ago and heated it up once already. I just tried it and it is cold. Fuck my life. It’s been mentally exhausting lately with counseling, healing, trust issues, and everything else that goes along with the quote, “the struggle is real.”

If anything, I have come to know that nothing gets better unless work is done. One must own their actions, learn from them, and use that knowledge to build themselves up higher. What I do not have a tolerance for is when people decide to not do those things. To put it nicely, they prefer to sit in their shit. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been there. Some days, I am still there. What gives me hope is the days where I feel progress has been made. Currently, my recovery progress is being hindered by other things and people in my life. I sympathize with mental illness and support anyone who is going through it. Dealing with conditions like Depression, Anxiety, PTSD, Bipolar, Manic Depression, Etc, I feel is one of the hardest things to explain. It’s a sickness that is invisible to others. And yet so painful to survive.

I’m in counseling and plan to be for a very long time. As is my husband. Out of respect for my marriage and him, I do not discuss in detail a lot of the things that I witness or feel related to his illness. I just want to say lately that it has been hard. To the point that I felt I was hitting a breaking point emotionally because I am so burned out. My counselor explained that it was important to get the ball back into his court so that I did not have to carry both. His counselor agreed today that one person cannot carry another. I can’t lie, I’m thankful they acknowledged that. We talked with his counselor today a while over the phone. I’m encouraged after the conversation and feel that there is a better support network there than I previously thought.

After this though, I wrote out notes about tomorrows session with one of his doctors. I also typed out an outline of today’s counseling session for us to hold onto. This is something I have even yet to do for my own counseling sessions. He came in to see what I was doing and then was about to leave the room. I asked if he appreciated that I did this stuff for him. He said that he did and gave me a hug & kiss. It sucks I always have to ask him to get that kind of response. I do not know why it is not obvious that I am fighting to save him, when I should be fighting for myself. In a marriage though, I do believe there comes a time where you need to lean on one another. Too many people these days give up, walk out, or turn to holding hostility against the other. I’ve always wanted my marriage to be much different than this. I love my husband and find him to have wonderful qualities. His heart is good, his hands are gentle, his eyes are curious, and he has some hilarious socks. Giving up or walking out are not something I consider as options. Finding resources, reaching out, and using any strength I have to help him is on the table though.

The difficult thing is, where does that leave me mentally ? When I am not ok, who is taking care of me? Or better yet, who is even noticing? I have a Mother’s With Narcissism book that I am supposed to be reading for my therapy. I’ve read very little of it. Also, the majority of my counseling sessions are now taken up discussing my husband and how things are affecting me. It’s exhausting and makes my progress feel like it is going backwards.

I hope tomorrow when we talk to his doctor that we can find a balance. That everyone can get on the same dam page. That all of this energy I am putting into helping him will be worth it. Until then, I may go buy another coffee that is actually hot. You can find me in the book section of Goodwill. Going to get out and get some fresh air. Life look differently when you do that.

Money & Success

Tonight, I am feeling defeated & depleted. Maybe I am jumping to conclusions, but I feel like most people strive for something in life. I would be willing to bet that for most it would be “money” or “success.” Neither one of those topics interests me though. It occurred to me the other day that I actually feel the most content when I have the least amount of money to decide what to do with. Who thinks like that? Apparently, me. I seem to be drawn to what feels safe and familiar. Being inside, being without, being over caffeinated, and being sad is pretty much my cup of tea.

I talked to my husband tonight in the car about needing more structure. For instance, when he is ready to leave the store, saying “I’m ready to go.” Or if I want to buy something that we can’t afford, him saying “not today.” The lack of structure in my life feels like it is drowning me. I’m the main one to make decisions. In all reality, I do not want to decide the majority of the things I have too. Though I have a dominate personality, I prefer most days just decide how many Splenda’s I want in my coffee. Needing to organize bills, the house, activities, chores, emotional states, etc, is not my main mission in life.

Without sounding conceited, I do not struggle financially anymore. We do not live hand to mouth, as I used too. I’ve also always considered my husband to be a successful person. He works as a developer doing Lord only knows what on a computer. I’m very right brained. Give me art any day. Computers…hell no. I’m proud that I married an educated man that holds admirable job titles. With all that being said, money & success are just NOT the answers to everything. If they were, I would be incredibly content, secure, and at peace with life. There would be no need for medications, advice books, or counseling. But there is. This makes me greatly concerned that the majority of the world is working towards goals that are going to hold the satisfaction of cotton candy. It tastes good for a minute and then it dissolves like air. Leaving you wondering if you had anything in your dam mouth to begin with.

If money & success are not the secret ingredients to life, what are? What makes a person look back and go, “that was all worth it” ? I would say memories but I’m hoping that is not the answer. I’ve always struggled with memory and extremely basic directional tasks are hard for me. Striving for love is completely understandable. I love my husband greatly and even on our worst days, I do not regret being with him. However, marriage challenges you. Some days, it feels like a test of emotional patience. On others, a step forward appears to have been taken. What I am getting at is that love is a choice (a very important one at that) but not the answer to the purpose of one’s life.

I almost just died without finding out the purpose of life. I’m not kidding. My husband just snuck up behind me and shook my chair saying “Earthquake!” Had I been drinking something, I would have spit it all over the computer screen. I’m going to conspire with the cats tonight so that they piss on his body pillow. I can repay them with shrimp. My terror gave him a good laugh. He then came back to ask me to calibrate my fear between 1-10. I told him that was about a 9, which he seemed happy with. He drives me crazy with the things that he does. I’m pleading the 5th when it comes to whether that crazy is bad or good.

Ok, so, back to figuring out life. From everything I have witnessed and experienced, I do not feel that the purpose in life is ones status. Anyone remember the Titanic and how the upperclass women sunk with their fur coats and jewels? I’ve lived in uppity neighborhoods before that had no free spirit air in them. There was even a neighborhood with a gate and number once. I’m sure many of those residence enjoyed saying they lived in a “gated community.” Meanwhile, I felt like I was trapped at the dam Zoo. All those clothing brands that make people of status feel important can also be found at the local thrift store. The status thing is WAY over rated.

This is a topic that I am just going to continue to think on. It is interesting how so many people think they have found THE answer to life. I need to test out all these theories and report back on how the experience went. I’m sure there is a book out there on something like that too. If so, hopefully I come across it at a thrift store so that I can update yall. In all reality though, I think many have completely lost touch with themselves on their journey to “success.” This may be the answer to why I cannot find any friends. My inability to connect with people must be because we are in two different worlds. Though it’s incredibly lonely, I’m thankful to live a life that is outside a gate.

Zonked Husband & Target is $$ AF

Not too long ago my husband fell asleep on the couch. I knew after 3 beers, if I did not get him up now to go to bed he would be staying put. Let’s just say I would rather lift an ice berg than get him to understand why he needs to get in bed after sleeping on the couch for a while. After waking him up, he tells me it is 8:30 PM and it is too early to go to bed. I explain to him that he was just sleeping. He says he wants to watch another movie. So I say, you can either watch a movie and sleep out here or come to bed (he never likes sleeping on the couch all night). You learn things like this when you get married. He decided to go for the bed. He didn’t want to turn on any music though because he was not ready to go to sleep. I left him in the room playing his game. I would put money he fell asleep doing that in 2 mins. When I went back in the room, he was out, but still had his thumb on the game as if he was playing it. I had to take a picture.

Today has been a rough one for me. It ended better than it began so there is that. This morning I rescheduled my counseling call because I felt like I was hardly coherent. I’ve been suffering from head aches, night mares, and all around sleep issues. I just truly was not in a good mindset to do it. I thankfully was able to reschedule the call for Tuesday at 11 AM.

I just felt so completely depressed when I got up this morning. Defeated. Tired. Sad. Basically every negative word in the dictionary. I did not do my morning routine of vitamins and listening to soft music, so I am sure that set my day in the complete wrong direction. I felt like I was suffocating in the house. Being my crazy random self, I decide that in the middle of a pandemic that it is a good idea to go to Target. Again, I just needed to get out. Don’t get inspiration from me though because my ass really should have been inside. I need to learn to sew. Maybe that would keep me still for longer periods of time without feeling a mental break coming on.

Going to Target was very strange. It was nice on the way over there but so much is shut down. I want to give a shout out to the Target employee today that was taking the time to sanitize all of the shopping cards to give to customers. She saved me from having to open one of my sanitizer cloths. I was wearing a face mask when I went & used hand sanitizer in the car. The atmosphere at Target was quiet. Many shelves were cleared out. Especially, the cleaning shelves. One of these days I will see a lysol can again. I can feel it. Also, the art aisle was wiped clean. I had interest in getting a drawing pad until I saw that they were $9.99 ! Yeah, NO. The Dollar Tree sells these for $1. I did see a few fantastic journals that explained on the cover what this pandemic is making me feel like.

After giving up on the cleaning and the art section, I wandered into the clothing part of Target. The first pair of workout pants I checked the price on was $40. FORTY DOLLARS. What the hell? I got out of that section QUICK. Finally, I located a rack of T Shirts that looked soft. Surprisingly, the XXL ones looked like they would fit me. Target clothing always seems to run so small for me. I ended up with a Lion King and Garfield Tee. If they fit and I can wear them during social isolation, then they work! Oh, these shirts were $12.99 each. Which seemed reasonable to me.

One of the last sections I found at Target was the Dollar Spot. Why they call it the Dollar Spot anymore is really beyond me. It is actually difficult to find $1 items there. It’s more like $3, $5, $7, and higher. Yet, for some reason, that section always manages to pull me in. Though I almost bought Daisy some pool toys and Jeremy a seasoning grow kit, I put them back. They were just overpriced and an impulse buy. Again, I can find Daisy’s pool toys at the Dollar Tree where everything is $1.

Somehow, even with all my reasoning of items I should pick up, I still managed to spend $118. It is like REALLY? I did buy a few bags of things but dam. I got 5 plastic tote crates to help us pack, 2 shirts, 2 chips, Sargento cheese snack cups, Veggie Burgers, Veggie Chicken Nuggets, curly fries, Beer for Jeremy, some Easter paper plates that were on sale, and 4 wooden Easter Rabbits that were on sale. I’m sitting here thinking I must have gotten more than that….. Oh I got a bag of Kind Granola and Kind Peanut Butter Granola Bars. And a few Bananas. Anyway, this added up to over $100 of items. -_- I made an effort to know what I could get cheaper at Walmart, which made it a lot easier for me to walk away from some things.

It was sad driving by Goodwill and seeing it roped off. They were smart to do that though because people would have piled donations sky high outside their door. People have time right now that they do not normally have to clean out their closets. With so many being laid off, it will be interesting to see if everyone goes to the thrift store to find items to resell when they reopen. I feel that I can foresee this. I just started back my closet but know it is going to take a long time to build up my inventory again. At least now I have a direction and see more of where I want to go with reselling.

When I returned home from Target I made lunch & went outside to read. My legs are still whiter than Snow White. It is awful. But when you have Depression, you often stay inside a lot. Or want to anyway. Hence, why my skin is a stranger to the sun. I’m trying to change that by journaling, reading, and eating snacks out there. Check back in 2 years and I may have a tan line somewhere.

Jeremy ended up coming out with me later in the day. He brought the dogs out with him. I threw balls to Charlie with his Chuck It toy. We talked a lot about things that had been stressing us out. Surprisingly, I think we have better communication with each other outside as opposed too inside. It may be because nature is more of Jeremy’s element. At one point Jeremy sat behind me in the lawn chair and massaged my back. It felt nice to lean back on him and look up at the trees. We have never done that before. He said he really liked doing that. I even read him some of my decorating book, upon his request. Something about spending time outside with my husband doing something that did not involve social media felt healing. This has been a hard week and we just really needed to end it with each other.

My Pets Are Not Social Distancing

Apparently, Bella is getting tired of the social distancing. She has resorted to trying to eat my bouquet of dried flowers. Bella is our cat, in case you were wondering. She also liked to eat grocery bags if given the opportunity. Need anything recycled? Just bring it on over to our cat. In all reality, we do not promote her doing any of this. She is normally caught red handed in the act. This morning I rocked my chihuahua and cat at the same time. I don’t know what it is about this red soft blanket but when I put it on me, the pets appear on top of it.

I’m now taking Mucinex & Mucinex DM which is treating my symptoms better. I’ve felt quite drugged and tired today. Daisy, my chihuahua, took a long nap with me. She is currently snoring in my lap. The older she gets, the louder she snores. I’ve downloaded the Candy Crush app to my phone. I don’t think I gain any brain cells from this game but it does keep me still. Every time I start to feel better I move around too much and end up feeling worse. It is worth mentioning that I have not listened to ANY updates on the Corona Virus today. It’s amazing how hard it is to distance yourself from social media. But it’s healing. I feel better having not a dam clue as to what is going on right now in the world.

My diet today has consisted of macaroni & cheese, Welches fruit snacks, and peanut butter crackers. And coffee. This is about all I want when I am sick. People have told me to try taking dairy out of my diet. Being Vegetarian, this is a very depressing thought. Other than vegetables, I’m unsure what would be left. That idea alone makes me want to binge on carrot cake. Hey, it has carrots right?

We are supposed to move in a month, have a stack of bills we need to pay, and pick up my car in GA. My husband had to leave it at my granddads when he went down to help move him. I’ve been too sick to retrieve it yet. I’m trying to focus on more positive things so that my mind does not fall deeper into darkness. Here are a few things….

I ordered a Zen garden from Mercari that came yesterday (I need to open it)

I’m talking to someone on Etsy about making me a banner for this blog

I rocked my chihuahua and cat today, at the same time that is.

I ordered a DIY stained glass window book from Amazon today

My counselor is calling on Friday

She made it

Tomorrow, I need to work on my Project Hope & Heal that I am doing for my Youtube channel Farm N Sunflowers. I think a few people are going to do it with me. It is a good thing to try and make a difference to others, no matter how small. I sent someone a pack of my polymailers to help her with mailing out masks to those in the medical field. She is literally hand sewing tons of them with five kids. I have crazy respect for that. Sewing needs to be added to my goal list, when all of this distancing is over.

Speaking of social distancing, I read a good article today on Pinterest called 105 Things To Do At Home During Quarantine. It is definitely worth a read. I would advice that you skip over the one that mentions getting a credit card. I absolutely do not promote credit cards, as it took me years to get out of debt. Remember the free shipping on Amazon Prime right now. You can order a really affordable book and actually get to read it (hopefully). For those of yall that are still working, I’m sure the last thing you want to do is read. Here is a guided journal that looked really good on Amazon called Zen As F*ck At Work . If I were a nurse, I would just order several to leave in the break room!

Off to go watch some Cops with my husband who has been listening to meetings all day. I think he is about to lose his dam mind being inside. We are going to have to remind ourselves that we are the lucky ones. It could be so much worse right now. I hope everyone gets well. Even more so though, I hope we appreciate more when all of this is over. Each other. Our own lives. Our World.