Last night I had a long nightmare about trying to get away from someone. I first tried to reason with them, then console them, and then escape them. Apparently, the house caught on fire and the person that was chasing me was downstairs, while I hid in the attic. I have no knowledge of how the fire started but I know I was in a desperate state to survive. The person chasing me, ended up living. This is important to note because I am not a killer. Not even in my nightmares. Not even too that which chases me. You don’t have much control (if any) when you are asleep though. And yet, I still take these horrific visions I have personally.
What I do know is that my nightmares are tied to my past. I’m aware of who is chasing me, though I will not write their name. They don’t deserve the satisfaction that they are still somehow victimizing me. They come to me often at night, since they can’t get close during the day. Waking up from these kinds of nights is awful. My hair is a hot tangled mess. I’m exhausted beyond belief. And the morning has not even started. I actually fell back asleep after getting up this morning. Thankfully, I woke up in time to set a short alarm before my counseling appointment.
I’m so tired of running, grief, and lack of understanding. It’s hard to figure out if I isolate myself or if the world isolates itself from me. Nature and sunshine is definitely calming, when I gather the strength to be in it. It rained yesterday though so I think everything is wet out there. So is my soul. My husband is on a business call, laundry needs to be done, dishes are stacking up, things need to get packed…. fuck. I am over it. Change. Rollercoasters. And trying to figure out how to survive them both. I’ve started having chronic headaches which is fun. I’m pretty sure that my brain is trying to explode from stress.
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