surviving anxiety

Balancing

I feel like I am balancing balls. Except, they are fireballs with spikes. I’m juggling them while I am on a bike, that I don’t know how to ride. I bought coffee a few hours ago and heated it up once already. I just tried it and it is cold. Fuck my life. It’s been mentally exhausting lately with counseling, healing, trust issues, and everything else that goes along with the quote, “the struggle is real.”

If anything, I have come to know that nothing gets better unless work is done. One must own their actions, learn from them, and use that knowledge to build themselves up higher. What I do not have a tolerance for is when people decide to not do those things. To put it nicely, they prefer to sit in their shit. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been there. Some days, I am still there. What gives me hope is the days where I feel progress has been made. Currently, my recovery progress is being hindered by other things and people in my life. I sympathize with mental illness and support anyone who is going through it. Dealing with conditions like Depression, Anxiety, PTSD, Bipolar, Manic Depression, Etc, I feel is one of the hardest things to explain. It’s a sickness that is invisible to others. And yet so painful to survive.

I’m in counseling and plan to be for a very long time. As is my husband. Out of respect for my marriage and him, I do not discuss in detail a lot of the things that I witness or feel related to his illness. I just want to say lately that it has been hard. To the point that I felt I was hitting a breaking point emotionally because I am so burned out. My counselor explained that it was important to get the ball back into his court so that I did not have to carry both. His counselor agreed today that one person cannot carry another. I can’t lie, I’m thankful they acknowledged that. We talked with his counselor today a while over the phone. I’m encouraged after the conversation and feel that there is a better support network there than I previously thought.

After this though, I wrote out notes about tomorrows session with one of his doctors. I also typed out an outline of today’s counseling session for us to hold onto. This is something I have even yet to do for my own counseling sessions. He came in to see what I was doing and then was about to leave the room. I asked if he appreciated that I did this stuff for him. He said that he did and gave me a hug & kiss. It sucks I always have to ask him to get that kind of response. I do not know why it is not obvious that I am fighting to save him, when I should be fighting for myself. In a marriage though, I do believe there comes a time where you need to lean on one another. Too many people these days give up, walk out, or turn to holding hostility against the other. I’ve always wanted my marriage to be much different than this. I love my husband and find him to have wonderful qualities. His heart is good, his hands are gentle, his eyes are curious, and he has some hilarious socks. Giving up or walking out are not something I consider as options. Finding resources, reaching out, and using any strength I have to help him is on the table though.

The difficult thing is, where does that leave me mentally ? When I am not ok, who is taking care of me? Or better yet, who is even noticing? I have a Mother’s With Narcissism book that I am supposed to be reading for my therapy. I’ve read very little of it. Also, the majority of my counseling sessions are now taken up discussing my husband and how things are affecting me. It’s exhausting and makes my progress feel like it is going backwards.

I hope tomorrow when we talk to his doctor that we can find a balance. That everyone can get on the same dam page. That all of this energy I am putting into helping him will be worth it. Until then, I may go buy another coffee that is actually hot. You can find me in the book section of Goodwill. Going to get out and get some fresh air. Life look differently when you do that.

Moving With Anxiety

Something about me is that when I start cleaning (or packing) I have a hard time stopping. There is nothing wrong with being on a roll but I take it to the extreme where I about break my back. I have to force myself to stop moving & panicking. I’m sure it is an anxiety thing. I just went and counted the number of bins & boxes that I stuffed today. There are 4 gray large bins and 12 Priority size boxes. That is way more then I thought I packed.

I did do a Starbucks run this afternoon. I was slightly worried that the baristas were going to spit in my coffee, as I arrived there 5 minutes before they closed. My coffee was accidentally made iced but they were awesome and remade it, while allowing me to keep the other one for free. My husband got a Vanilla Creme Frappachino with an iced coffee on the side. Once I arrived back with the coffee, I grabbed my book:

My Coffee & My Cat :

Snuggs is obsessed with this mustard colored knit blanket.

And headed outside to lay on the lawn chair. I’ve decided that reading outside is not so bad. It’s a way for me to get sun and yet not move at the same time. For Snuggs & I, it works. I’m almost done with my book called “That’s Mental.” After I finish that one, I will move on to the new Scott Peterson one I got the other day. And by “new” I mean Goodwill for $1. True crime is not a topic I read about much anymore but his case continues to fascinate me.

I’m going to end on the latest thing that I have created at night. For some reason, night time is when I make sporadic decisions. Normally, they consist of online purchases. As you can see above, I am the new owner of a stained glass clock from Mercari. Here are two true facts. 1. It was $9. 2. I was not even positive this morning if I in fact bought it. After double checking, I can confirm that I did.

A few nights ago, I decided to start a mental illness Instagram page. I still have my personal one at : https://www.instagram.com/farmnsunflowers . However, I decided that I wanted an additional account to just post mental illness awareness things too. Realistic, funny, and relatable type material for those of us that live isolated (I’m not referring to COVID-19)…. I’m talking about a lifestyle. I will see how it goes. If you are interested in checking out my new page & supporting my cause, click the link here: https://www.instagram.com/shelterfromherstorm . Hopefully it will help people (and myself) on hard days.

I’m off to help haul all the boxes I packed over to the new house. Thankfully, my husband is loading the trailer and driving. So I should be alive tomorrow for an update. (sarcasm)

2 AM Thoughts & Rocking The Cat

I am sitting here thinking about how sick the world has become. Both physically & emotionally. Though I want to stay updated, the news is terrifying to watch. There is a cruise ship out there that cannot dock due to people having the COVID-19 virus on it. I read about a police officer going to the grocery store to buy food for an elderly woman who had none. People are trying to stock up on back ordered seeds, in hopes they can grow food to eat. I bet the majority of those people never thought about gardening in their life. Many, in their own way, are trying to save themselves.

Meanwhile, the rest of the population is finding it sensible to stand in long lines to get into stores. Jeremy and I tried to go to Home Depot the other day just to look at the flowers. We quickly realized the crowd of people out front was the actual line for the store. I told Jeremy no way so we turned around and went back home. I see very few people wearing protective gear. I found this to be absolutely crazy. I can be fast to judge at times. I was reminded by someone on Instagram that they actually could not find the protective gear. Sometimes I think judging helps me stay in control of my world. If I assume I understand people, then I know who the players are. I find safety in a false sense of security you could say.

My cat, Snuggs, is currently in my lap as I write this. I put him down for a minute but when he saw I had broken out the soft blanket, all bets were off. He is now horizontal on the blanket with no plans to move. Snuggs is quite comforting & warm I must say. He is one of those cats that knows what is going on. If he doesn’t, he makes it his mission to find out. As I rock my overly nosy cat, I will continue on…

It just seems like (me included) no one has any idea what to do right now. All advice is very contradictory. America has been hearing from the news that we should not hoard food. Now they are saying to stay in your homes. Home food delivery services are going on strike due to lack of protective gear & pay during this time. I would put money on it that sooner or later Walmart’s and grocery stores will also experience this problem. Seeds can only grow so fast. How is it again that we are supposed to eat?

The one piece of advice that seems to be spreading like wildfire is to wash your hands. However, if there is no soap or hand sanitizer, how does this get done? I had these grand plans of sanitizing the house daily. Now, instead, I am rationing my Clorox wipes to about 1 a day. Oh and you know those DIY’s on Pinterest for hand sanitizer? I read on the CDC website that it is not recommended to make your own hand sanitizer because there needs to be a proper amount of alcohol in it to be effective. Fuck.

I’m seeing people sewing masks for hospital workers due to the shortage. I know COVID-19 can be spread by just droplets of spit from a cough being inhaled by a person. Masks make sense right? Also found on the CDC website is the advice to not wear masks unless you have this virus. In order to find out if you have this virus, one must potentially expose themselves to it by going to the ER or Doctor to get the test. How exactly do we correctly save ourselves again?

Having to stay inside is really the least of my own personal worries. I’ve been struggling to get over the flu for what I believe is over 4 weeks now. Yesterday, my fever was 99.4. Today, it was 99.8. I’m taking vitamins, ordered more vitamins, drinking water, and trying extremely hard to not contact this virus. It is like I am in a horror movie and the monster is coming for me. I need my immune system to kick in NOW. ASAP. PRONTO. I’m afraid to go outside, talk to the neighbor, or even open the windows for too long. There are all of these un disinfected surfaces in our home that are driving me crazy. Trying to conserve cleaning products though while not physically over doing it.

My other two cats now are having issues in the house. While Snuggs looks on from his blanket, Bella is hissing her throat out at our other cat Grizzly. They are having territorial issues at almost 3 AM. I’m stressed about surviving, meanwhile they are trying to decide what portion of the house they can claim. Fun Times. I guess we can all agree that we are feeling upset. Other than Snuggs.

I’m going to end here even though I have no idea what to do other than sit and rock Snuggs. I feel like crap. I wish I could take care of others. I want to sleep. I need more water. I’m wondering if I will ever stop coughing. I have no idea why Grizzly is running through the house screeching. I’m over this. So over it. Update: Going to bed NOW. Two stink bugs decided to join me on my overhead kitchen light. One keeps buzzing around my head as if he has now claimed the computer as his territory. He can have it. Fuck.

Quarantine & Theraflu

I’ve realized 2 things recently. 1. I need to go into COMPLETE quarantine. 2. I was probably having a psychotic episode when I decided it was a good idea to go to Walmart for supplies. Don’t get me wrong, we are incredibly stocked up on food. The cost of doing that though is that I’m sicker. I’ve been in “recovery” from the flu for the past month. Tonight, my fever was 99.6 which is not productive. Since then, I’ve taken Ibuprofen, Airborne Immune Booster, and have had some cough drops. Heres hoping things start reversing.

For the last two years, I have kept my Poshmark closet open. However, I realized tonight that I wanted to try closing everything. Sometimes, we experience more stress from things than we realize. My hope is that knowing I do not have to check social media, share items, or package anything will bring down my anxiety. Which I am sure would help with my sickness. My Mercari & Ebay shops have been temporarily closed as well for the same reason. Miraculously, up until this point, I have been able to get all of my orders out. It is easier said than done when you feel like you are dying from an illness.

There are a lot of things that I have to figure out. Maybe, during this time of complete seclusion, I can brainstorm some ideas about my Youtube channel, reselling, etc. Currently, I’m not sure the direction my Youtube channel is going in. I’m going to discuss this in a different blog post though because there are a lot of factors to my confusion. Reselling is also the same way. Out of everything I have ever tried, selling my own items has kept my interest the longest. I like being in control of my business, giving customer service, and finding things that others might enjoy. With that being said, selling has consumed a great part of my life. It would not be so bad if I did not have to “share” my items on Poshmark, photograph everything, list things, and package by myself. Basically, I am feeling burned out. My outlets that used to bring me peace are currently doing the opposite. So clearly, I have to figure things out.

I’ve been loving Pinterest lately. If you need to find things that are pleasing to your soul, the Pinterest app is definitely worth downloading. I would think that the average person thinks of DIY’s & recipes being on Pinterest. However, I have discovered lately that there are also a lot of self care & depression awareness type blogs on there. Tonight I read 7 Ways To Stay Grounded & Calm Amidst Social Unrest . This blog post is definitely worth a read if you are feeling major anxiety from the Corona Virus (or life in general). For some reason, lists are easier for me to read & relate to my life. My favorite tip on this list was #3. Don’t Engage In The Fear. My issue is that I am way too involved in social media. Like most people today, I don’t realize the affect it has on my emotions. When there is panic in the air, I automatically smell it. Right now, the world is full of fear, questions, and complaints. Just as Americans have been advised to practice social distancing for germs, I need to practice it for social media. I’m sure reading about Corona Virus deaths and stores selling out of supplies is making me sicker. Stress does that to me. If I am up to it tomorrow, I’m going to partake in a Pinterest DIY idea that will (hopefully) bring more calm into my life.

I’m going to end here so that I can start the brainstorming of ideas and thoughts. Hoping everyone can find the supplies they need & stay healthy during this time. Remember, others are in need too. Please do not hoard or sell your toilet paper rolls.

Being A Wife With Depression

I can sum it up in three words. Ready? It’s Fucking Hard.

My mental illness makes a lot of basic things hard for me. Tasks such as taking a shower, cleaning, running errands, etc, fill me with exhaustion & anxiety. On most days, I make myself do them. When I got married, more items got added to this list of essential daily chores. It feels defeating. If you could see the sink full of dishes or the wet laundry that has not yet been switched over, you would grasp my feeling of defeat. Working outside the home is also not something, at this point, I feel I can do. On top of constantly getting physically sick, I literally send my depression into a black hole. My husband also never sees me because once managers get their claws into me, I fall victim to working on a schedule that includes weekends. None of this is conducive to marriage or depression.

Before I get further down this rant, I want to state that my husband is a very good man. I believe with all my heart that God led him to me in a time of extreme darkness. He provides, loves, and gives me great comic relief daily. This blog today is not to break him down or complain about the person whom I chose to spend my life with. My husband has provided me with a life that I never expected the chance to have. On my worst days, I’m grateful to him. With that being said, I think the topic of marriage and depression is important. Both topics are aspects of my life that play a big role in who I am & what I struggle with.

It’s important to note that everyone’s marriage is different. This is something my counselor told me. Therefore, everyone’s struggle is different. There is not one structured format one must follow to be ensure a happily ever after marriage. If this book went out of print, please let me know and I will barter some clothes for it. What is acceptable in some people’s marriages today would not be in mine. And vise versa. Please remember that I am writing about my personal struggles with mental illness and marriage. If these things do not bother you, that is ok. I’m sure though, on some level, you may be able to relate.

I struggle greatly with organization. Don’t get me wrong, I love cleanliness and order. But to achieve those things takes great effort. Which on most days, I do not feel like I have. I’ve found that lists of things get me moving in the right direction. When it comes to my marriage, there are definitely times when lists are needed. One being grocery lists. The act of going grocery shopping does not bother me too much. However, the lack of control as to what I put in the buggy does. Seeing the bill after shopping can literally send me into shock. Implementing a list & sticking to it prevents me from paying for chaos. Another list that comes into play is on my “command station.” (Aka White Board From Hobby Lobby). On this board I make a list of all the bills that we need to pay each month. I check things off as I go down the list. When I get sick, super depressed, or just exhausted this list gets shot to hell. I keep working at it though.

Cleanliness deserves its own paragraph. Do you ever wish you could rent one of those huge dumpsters you see at construction sites to just empty your house into? The older I get, the more I realize the amount of anxiety that items cause me. My husband has a different outlook to cleanliness. He is satisfied with sock balls being on the couch, beer cans being left out, and the bathroom being cleaned once a year. He once told me that he wants a house to feel “lived in.” I understand and sympathize with this. However, through my eyes, his “lived in” style looks as if a tornado hit & then a tree fell on the house. This causes my anxiety to sky rocket & puts me into an all out cleaning binge, causing our Cocker Spaniel’s blood pressure to sky rocket. It’s been very challenging to find a middle ground where him and I can both survive. Notice I did not say that we are satisfied or happy. I’ve implemented laundry baskets in the bedroom. One for clean clothes and one for dirty. Despite my disdain for dirty clothes in the bedroom, I must admit this has helped with the sock balls (and other random clothing items). I’ve also tried to work on nagging him and using the word “now.” Instead of “I need you to clean this now” I make an effort to say “Before you go to bed can you do this?” It gives him responsibility and time to finish his viking war shows. Yall, it is a work in progress. That is all I can say.

Another thing about marriage & mental illness that is challenging is feeling appreciated. I stay in a constant state of mind that I am not good enough. I get frustrated easily when I do not understand how to do things or find places. Basically, any excuse I have to hate myself, I go with. It is what feels comfortable because it is what I have always done. I self sabatoge myself by drowning in these thoughts. This type of thinking is not caused by my husband. He has always told me that he loves me as I am. As time goes on though, I think he is realizing that flowers, cards, and verbal motivation help me a great deal. Men, if your wife/girlfriend/partner is struggling with self care, know that you can do something to help. Scheduling for them to get their hair done, making a tattoo appointment, buying tickets for a movie night, giving her a gift card to Starbucks, going to the gym with them…..these things help. Anything that promotes self care and self confidence is of great importance in a marriage to a person with mental illness. (or any marriage in general for that matter)

I’m going to end here because I need to take a shower & make a list of what we need to get at Costco today. Hopefully, somewhere in there I will find the strength to start packing us up for our trip next weekend. Also, my husband and I have planned to work on my blog at some point. He is currently still asleep. My chihuahua is refusing to eat her breakfast. The office is a disaster. Wish me luck. If you can identify with the crazy struggle of mental illness & marriage, feel free to comment or like this blog post. It lets me know that I am not alone. And that is a wonderful feeling.

The Struggle Is Real

Currently, I’m listening to Judge Judy and avoiding blogging about budget friendly Poshmark ideas. It’s really difficult to plan out a blog in your head when your heart is somewhere else. That somewhere else is not in the land of organization. I used to avidly follow a Youtuber that had an entire channel based on cleaning. Last time I checked, she is still vacuuming away in her new all white house. It’s interesting how our perspective changes over time. I used to envy her house, success, and channel in general. I can’t even organize the stack of books on my nightstand. Like seriously, what was I thinking wanting a cleaning channel? Still today, I come down with a serious case of the “grass is greener on the other side” syndrome. It’s crazy the places our mind will take us. Being at peace, in my opinion, is the hardest state of mind to stay in. I’ve only ever reached it in a Yoga class several years ago.

I have FIVE bags of Goodwill items sitting on my office floor. I don’t even recall what is in them. Money & I have an extremely treacherous relationship. Whenever I have too much of it, meaning anything over $5, I feel an extreme need to spend it. It does not even make sense why a feeling of excitement is there, but it is. Even if it is just going to get Starbucks, it is satisfying. Though I don’t want to admit it, spending brings light to the darkness within me. It’s an escape, a drug, and a need all at the same time. This is why we should never judge others. We all have our escapes and in similar ways, they are dangerous.

To add a few positive bits, Valentines went well. My husband showed up with multicolored roses and an expensive French Eiffel Tower card he ordered from Amazon. Though he does not write often, when he does, it is always genuine & sweet. I’m not someone who feels appreciated very much. A lot of that is probably due to my mental illness, rather than it being the actual case. It always feels nice to read from him that I am. I will keep that card in my nightstand next to the Christmas one that I like to have access too. Things started going down hill though when he picked out a movie he thought I would absolutely love. It was called, P.S I Love You. He had actually seen it himself before and was assured it would be a good experience. Everything from the character’s relationship, to how death was handled, to the bar shots, to the “romantic” letters, etc, disgusted me. I wanted to rewrite the plot because it did not happen as it should have. If you could not tell already, that movie did not put me in a romantic mood at all. Actually, if we are being real, I was ready to rip up everyone’s roses halfway through it. The movie went off when I told him I could not take it anymore and that was the end of our romantic movie night. Next time, I choose the movie.

I wish I did not chew on my hair but I find myself doing it all the time. It’s an odd way to deal with anxiety. Why is it that if we move our mouths by chewing gum, food, lips, or hair, we feel life is more manageable? There are so many habits we have, as humans, that are quite strange. Women spend an ungodly amount of money on beauty products. My thing is usually sweet smelling body spray from Bath & Body Works. One fruity mist cost as much as a nice dinner. I swear that stuff makes us smell like a fruit, tropical drink, sun tan lotion, etc, for tops of 30 seconds before the scent completely vanishes. And yet, we continue to buy it. My excuse is that I buy it on sale. However, I stand by the fact that we are all completely insane.

All fingers crossed that we have found the house we want. Today, we went to see two different houses. It was funny because one my husband liked & the other one I liked. We got to go to my house first (don’t you love how I am already claiming it?). When we walked in, things smelled & looked normal. Considering our experiences lately, that is a positive. There was a music room, larger kitchen, fenced yard, gas fireplace, big tub, raised ceilings, nursery room, lots of light, double garage, and so on. This house was in a nice neighborhood towards the back, which would be safe for our pets. It also had four bedrooms which would be so beneficial with storage. Now let me tell you above the second house….

I continue to find it shocking the magic photographers can pull on these real-estate properties. The house my husband liked did look beautiful from the outside. One of the first things I noticed was that you had to drive down a very long rocky driveway, more like a road, to get to the house. The realtor said that the neighbors most likely maintained the road. The last thing I want to do is worry about caring for a drive way. My battery is already burned out. We walked up to the front of the house and almost sunk into the mud doing so. Apparently, the rain had caused the front lawn to turn marsh like. Upon doing calisthenics to get to the front door, we realized we were supposed to go in the side door. Fun Times. Once we entered the house I noticed the low ceilings. Then there was dirt smeared on many surfaces, edges, doors, etc. The fire place was located behind the sofa, which made total sense (NOT). I know my husband liked the yard, which makes sense considering he likes yard. But that was a no for me. He knows who he married & because of that he knew that house was not happening.

Anyway, after that delightful experience, we put an offer on the first house. Currently, there are no other offers on this house. We found out that the home had a small termite infestation, which does sound disgusting. But they have hired someone to treat it & we would get a termite bond with the house to make sure the problem is taken care of. The last thing I want is a termite house, believe me. I just felt like this was the right house when I considered everything though. The owners are building a house & are not ready to leave theirs yet. If we get this home, this will give us time to help move my granddad, pack us, and then move. I wish we had enough to go on a cruise and pay people to pack us. Moving is incredibly miserable & exhausting. I’m in need of an easier lifestyle, less stress, and more opportunities to meet people. It has been so long since I have had a friend to talk to that I’m about to make friends with the ceramic Pikachu bank next to me. He looks friendly.

5 Things That Help Depression

I wanted to write about this topic because most days, I fight to remember what helps with my Depression. I’m familiar with isolation, low functioning, lack of organization, being triggered, and feeling defeated. On most days, I am not ok. I’m holding it together or swallowing all that pain down. If I knew a cure for mental illness, you better believe I would type my fingers off to explain it to you. But, I don’t. What I do have is a few tips that I have implemented in my life to bring comfort to my soul. I hope that they inspire you to look beyond your darkness and find a few stars.

1. Counseling. The first time I wrote this paragraph I ended up deleting everything. Being completely raw, let me just put it out there that I completely agree our insurance situation in America is fucked up. More often than not, those that want insurance, have to pay dearly for it. It is not fair, I agree. With that being said, seeking counsel is the first thing on my list that has truly helped me understand myself. From experience, I feel it is better to go to a clinic that has a sliding scale (income based) then to not go. Mental illness goes far beyond stress & sadness. It takes us to a place of darkness where we are crawling to find our way out. Counselors that are educated and experienced with mental illness can use a light to help guide us back. Trust me, everyone needs that at some point.

2. Scheduling & Organization are two things that are very challenging for me. And yet, I get extreme relief when I am able to simplify my life. This is probably a personality thing but for me, clutter and chaos make my depression worse. It makes doing basic things harder. Meaning my goals literally fly out the window, if I even opened the windows that is. Having a notebook to write down what you want to get done during the day can help. If you are a visual person, use a Hobby Lobby coupon and get yourself a large white board. Set up a command station where you can write & literally check off your tasks as you do them. I need to invest in another board to do this.

3. Exercise. You know those incredibly motivated people you see taking a jog out in the freezing cold rain? Yeah, I am not talking about their crazy asses. I mean if that is your thing, go for it. When I say exercise though, I mean doing something that makes you move. For me, it is getting on my treadmill, listening to loud music, and trying to drown out the world. Yoga has helped me in the past to be able to relax and center myself. For some, exercise may mean getting out of bed and walking out to get the mail. Don’t compare yourself to others because we never win that way. Create healthy habits that you do every day. And one day, I truly believe, it will get easier.

4. Journaling/Reading. My counselor inspired me to start a few different journals. You may be sitting there thinking, I don’t even have one. That was me as well a little while back. I was advised to start a positive, negative, and religious journal. I could write in any of the categories, at any time, as long as I separated them. The goal was to eventually need the negative journal less. Sometimes I do better with journaling than others. If I am having a good day, I tend to be able to write out positive & negative thoughts. If it is a bad one, I lack a desire to find a pen. I’m just being real. But writing helps me express a great deal of emotional weight I have enslaved myself too. I’m adding reading as well because there is nothing like being able to get away from reality. Reality is unbelievably over rated. I wish I could jump into characters life and see the world as they do. Thrift stores are great places to find books. And if you hate to read, I inspire you to try different types of books. I love true crime, biography, and conspiracy theory books. Hand me a fantasy novel and you better threaten me with shoving bamboo shoots up my nails for me to start reading.

5. Youtube Channel Videos. This last topic is one you probably did not expect. I really don’t promote social media as a main outlet for Depression. However, I have to say that having created a YouTube vlog channel for myself a few years ago was a good decision. It connected me with others who could identify with mental illness and those that also had similar interests. If you are not someone that wants to share your life, I totally get that. It may greatly help you though to search for videos on YouTube about others struggling with mental illness. You will learn quickly that you are not alone. If nothing else, I hope this gives you strength. ASMR is also a resource you can find on Youtube. If certain soft sounds like whispering, tapping, book reading, etc, relax you then look up GraceV. She brings my anxiety from a 10 to a 1. There are many ASMR channels out there so make sure you look into this.

I realize that this has been a long blog. If you have made it to this point, know that I appreciate it. If you personally cannot use this information, maybe there will come a time in your life where you can share it. If we each share resources & stories, then one day, maybe we can all beat this illness together. My heart goes out to you if you are struggling with symptoms that are overwhelming or that you do not understand. Try lots of different things and I hope at some point you can make a list of things that bring you peace. No matter what, keep fighting for the good days.

Surviving Mental Illness

The majority of my life can be described in these three title words, “Surviving Mental Illness.” There is much I do not understand about this condition but I know for a fact these things:

-There is almost non existent affordable help for those suffering from depression, anxiety, and other mental illnesses. Hope comes in the form of an insurance card, which so few can afford today.

-Take away someone’s hope and the only light they see is coming from the door under death.

-Society continues not to acknowledge the mental illness epidemic in America. Those who suffer only have life lines with others that are in the same boat. Everyone in this category though is sick, burned out, and fighting to breath. The boat is drowning.

-Being a YouTube Channel Creator, I know for a fact that videos on mental illness get demonetized immediately. Brands with commercials will not align themselves with others rallying to save lives. And yet, their commercials are often about changing lives. Do you see the irony?

I want to know when the world is going to wake up and realize that we live in the UNITED States. We stand on the soil of a free country and have exposure to tools (like social media) that can be used to inform, counsel, and support each other. People that commit suicide are just like you and me. They have made people smile, broken hearts, sought out peace, changed others minds, traveled to new places, lost loved ones, created art, and so much more. Can’t you find yourself in them? Acknowledge that Mental Illness is real and rally for reform. People with these illnesses, including myself, should not always have to live in the silent background of a tragedy.