surviving depression alone

Trilogies Of A Turtle

This morning I was laying in bed, wishing I was a turtle. I want to draw my legs and arms into a small place. The darkness sounds inviting. I imagine the minimalistic life that turtle’s experience must be very calming. No matter where they go, they have everything they need. So in a sense, whenever they move, they are always moving their entire life to a different location. Can you imagine?

I’ve been reading “Cozy Minimalist Home” by Myquillyn Smith. This book can be found here. Everything about this book makes sense, as it explains everything I’m doing wrong. My world feels messy, chaotic, and overwhelming. Those are all pretty much the same adjective but you get my point. It’s early & I am drinking more creamer than coffee.

It’s very tempting to curl back up into a ball, get under the covers, and try to disappear from the world. My eyes are puffy and tired. I always make the bed though to help demolish the desire to revisit my previous horizontal position. Instead, I’m settling on chewing on my hair and feeling like a ball of anxiety. Yesterday, I gave my neighbors a lot of things I did not want in an effort to help with such anxiety. Just as the minimalist book says, I need to make my surroundings more quiet. The more items that are in a room, the louder it becomes. My surroundings are pretty much screaming at me. Along with my emotions & thoughts. So theres that.

The world is currently still social distancing. So in a way, we are all turtles inside our houses. I definitely crave protection and security which I often find myself becoming depleted of. I stay burned out from just trying to live. It’s ironic how security can actually become suffocating though if you spend too much time inside of it. Walls close in and defeat is your only friend. I guess this is God’s way of saying that we must get out and live, experience, and feel. Security is a survival mechanism that I know I overuse greatly in my life.

Everything Is Gray

I see my past play out in other peoples lives. There is a great need within me to save myself & them from what I know is to come. This need comes in the form of a rage that I set things on fire with. It’s incredibly suffocating living in this gray area. I can’t change the past nor the future. I’m stuck drowning in this abyss of a gray area in between the two. The world has lost all of its color. I’ve never given up searching for it in art, fabrics, and photographs. Where I live, the skies are always gray. People are gray. The grass is gray. I’m sad for the world. I believe there was a time it was beautiful. One day, maybe someone will paint it again.

Poshmark: 8 Orders 1 NIGHT

Tonight, I feel like I should have had several cups of coffee. I’m trying to limit my caffeine intake so I survived off a few bottles of water. Fun times. I packaged up 8 Poshmark, Mercari, And Ebay Orders tonight. Currently, my Ikea bag is full to the brim with boxes & polymailers. Don’t ask me what I packaged, I’m too tired to remember. It’s a tough thing when I vent about reselling because, on the one hand, I am thankful to HAVE orders. I’ve had those days where I literally was waiting for any sign of one. Literally wanting to yell “Is anyone alive out there?” If you are a reseller, I am sure you can relate. Recently, I changed up my pricing strategy. Basically, I gave the hell up on my last strategy to profit a good amount off each item. By a good amount, I mean at least $10. Let me tell you, you could hear crickets in my closet when I tried that plan out.

I’m coming to a place where I am realizing that people want simplicity. Customers enjoy an easy to browse closet that contains a variety of items. Since Poshmark decided to hike up their prices (higher than the high rise jeans girls wear today) customers are now looking to pay bottom dollar for items. This means basically that I am screwed. Seriously. As a reseller, it cost so much money to acquire inventory when you are selling clothes. It does depend on where you live, but from what I can tell the prices are sky rocketing at all goodwills all over the country. I’m backing off from selling clothes. It’s too dam expensive to pay $4-$5 for one item that I have to hope will sell soon after. I’m now looking more into selling plush, throw pillows, home decor, coffee mugs, art, and basically anything of quality that I can get for under $3. Goodwill, I hope you are not reading this…. so help me if throw pillows go to $10 a pop.

For a while, I had categories in my closet because I thought it looked nice to split up items. I now think though that this may distract and confuse the customer because unfortunately, my category thumbnails are not always where they are supposed to be. When you share things on Poshmark, everything goes to the top. Somehow I always manage to miss a few items though, causing my closet to be a scramble of things. Tonight, the categories were deleted. I also changed my prices to nicer looking numbers. Maybe you are laughing. There are people out there though that like to see numbers like $10, $15, $20 and so on. As opposed to $6, $17, $89. The majority of items in my closet are priced between $15-$50. There are a few pieces of art that do jump higher but overall, that is the range. So far, two people have bundled a lot of items that they did not purchase. One person stated under my add that my item was from the Dollar Tree. Don’t you just love how customers love to help you advertise? -_- (That comment will go away because I flagged it.) One person on Poshmark purchased a vintage ceramic cat from me for $20. Another bought a Haagar jacket for $13 that I would never purchase again. On Mercari, my Disney Maui Plush sold for $9. His tattoos are cute but not enough for me to buy him again. I’ve had a Poshmark potential customer ask for measurements of an item. I swear, whenever that happens, people never purchase. I often wonder how people have the time to know their exact measurements. That is just me being tired and judgemental. Anyway, so far, that is what is happening. Success or no? I’m not exactly sure.

Tonight, while laying horizontally, I will make a thumbnail for this blog post. It was not a priority tonight though. Getting on the treadmill however was. In January I was SO motivated to exercise, go to the gym, and drink lots of water. What happens to people in February ? It is like I have multiple personalities when it comes to working out. This month has been very difficult and I’ve been off track daily. I’m still drinking bottled water but not as much. I need to put more energy into that because I can see how it makes me stay full. Last night I also got on the treadmill & thought I was on a roll. Tonight, a sloth looks energized compared to me. It’s 11 PM & I just don’t think walking for 30 minutes is going to happen. I will have to make sure it gets done tomorrow. I love being organized but have realized that I struggle greatly with it. When my depression gets bad, I lose track of tracking bills and keeping the office in a manageable state. My car and pocket book also start looking like I am a hoarder. I’m in a gray area right now because for a minute, I ran out of my medications. It is crazy how we can feel regular but in reality are plummeting downhill. Since getting my refill, I’m realizing that I definitely was doing that. My nightstand is stacked with unread books too. I tend to start buying lots of books when I’m feeling incredibly alone. Thankfully, the thrift store sells them cheap & will take them back as donations when I come to my senses that they are not getting read.

On that note, I am out -_- literally.

Suffering From Burnout

Is it possible to have a spirit coffee mug? If so, I found mine at a thrift store. What is funny is that just about everything in my life operates in the low battery red zone. My phone is constantly gasping for its last breath. The gas tank in my car is always quite dehydrated too. More than that though, my emotional state can be configured into a battery with a few drips of life left.

Being an adult sucks. It really does. I am not sure what age you become an “official” adult but I know many of us had to grow up too soon. When I should have been secure & supported (at least emotionally), I had to survive. Let me tell you, this is one of the hardest strength training exercises you will ever go through. Often, I have heard or even said myself, “that made me stronger.” Did it really though? I feel like we have to say that so that we do not resort to screaming “I’m tired as all hell of this shit life is throwing at me.”

Currently, there are several challenging things happening in my life that are probably putting me in this positive mindset this morning (not). I woke up to finding out we had been outbid by three other people on a house my husband & I were trying to buy. So there goes that. I walked into the laundry room and stepped in cat vomit liquid. That always sets the day off to a good start. I’m suffering from crazy exhaustion & cramps. I’m out of space to store my Poshmark breakable items. Currently they are lined up on the floor. The sink is full of dishes, there is laundry to be folded, the bed is not made, I need to go buy a box to mail an order……I can’t even right now…. And of course, my phone is dead.