Tag: surviving mental illness

Having Depression Is Suffocating

Having Depression is like being canned in a jar. You can’t move, break out, or even breathe. I feel like a lot of people think of mental illness as being just that, mental. However, it is a physical illness too. My body gets tight, my head hurts, I start sweating, and basically curl into a ball in the dark. I sound like some kind of animal going into a menopausal hibernation. It would be funny, except that it is my reality.

My cat, Snuggs, is able to tell when I am having the darkest of days. Today, he laid his body across mine and slept. He is normally outside. They just know.

Depression makes me feel ashamed of my actions. As it progresses, I become more ashamed of the person I have become. Or lack there of. Something within me tells me I’m defected. Not good enough. Nor ever will be. The only thing I am an expert at is dealing & surviving. That is not the answer people want to hear from me though when they ask what my plans are. To society, surviving is not good enough. The answer is not acceptable. The password is incorrect. An error has occurred.

Whenever I interact with people, I feel as though I am thrown into a judgmental incinerator. This is probably why I have come to fear people, hate questions, and myself. I’ve heard that it is important to love yourself as you are. But people forget to warn you that others will most likely not. In a world most people are craving acceptance and love, I’m an outcast. It is ironic how that is.

It’s Too Early For Rock Bottom

I feel like I am hitting rock bottom. My values and perspective on life are being challenged. There are certain things that I have held strong too because it has felt right to do so. The longer I’m alive though, the more I realize nothing is as I thought it would be. Not marriage. Not career. Not security. If you had asked me when I was little what I wanted in life, I would have been overwhelmed by the enormity of the question. Today, at almost 4 AM, I still am. Answers are starting to not feel right anymore. As soon as I answer, everything changes.

I’m literally stuck in a painful, sad, and gray cloud of absolute confusion. Confusion about my decisions. My recovery. And ultimately my future. I just want to feel secure. It is such a simple word and yet, to obtain it, one must dig for a diamond with their fingernails. Is it possible for anyone to stay in a constant state of it? Could I borrow some from someone? I am so burned out. Mascara is wiped all over my shirt sleeve because I was crying yesterday. The night came too soon and everything went black. I didn’t eat dinner nor did I have a desire for anything but sleep. Covers are comforting.

How much should one person feel they need to compromise themselves? I’m a non conformist. My lack of bending either makes me brave or a complete bitch depending on who you ask. I only know how to be myself. I have expectations of those around me because I need to know I can trust & depend on people. Let me tell you, the last time I checked my friendship bank it was in the negative. I’ve become recluse, defeated, and incredibly lonely. So lonely.

I’m realizing the only person that can save me is myself. In order to make an attempt at life though I have to go through therapy, change, and a great amount of self reflection. I have to ask myself if I am wrong. Have I been doing it wrong? Why does everything become destroyed in my path? Instead of building castles, I’m blowing them up. I survive and yet, there is no one around me. No noise. No light. Just my dam self and my “values.” If I could reverse it, would I compromise myself in the name of keeping my world together?

I’m struggling this morning.