It’s crazy how I spend the majority of my life teetering between ice numb and strong as hell. Rarely is there a middle ground of sadness that I allow myself to feel. It is like this fortress is built around me with with guards. For a moment, I am safe because nothing can get to me. No one can leave me. Therefore, nothing could have happened. And then there is that memory that I let slip through. That one painful tear that drops. Causing all of the windows to blow out of my fortress. The bats fly in the windows. An earthquake crumbles everything to the ground. Darkness has found me, as it always does.
Tonight, I feel dark and distraught. I miss Will and Becky in a way that I can’t even explain. It is as if they did something for me just by existing. Even if they did not call, they could. Even if they did not understand, they tried. It blows the windows out of my soul when I look back and remember having to call Will to tell him Becky died. It was a horrible thing to have to do. He was so upset that he called me back after we had just talked. Fast forward a few years later and I find out on Facebook of all fucking places that something had happened too Will. There were messages on his page that did not sound right. People saying what a good person he was. I had to message someone just to figure out what was going on. He was one of those very tough biker guys that had this invincible energy. Someone that always was on the cusp of trouble but managed to escape it. He used to tell me that “I was all he had left.” When I found out he had died, I had no one to call that understood. We had always searched for each other during our lives. Amazingly, we found each other. And then everyone died.
I truly hope that they got the better end of the deal. They had both suffered for so long in different ways. Both deserved to be together, to feel love, and to get of this fucking earth that has gone to hell. Selfishly, I want them here. I’m angry they had to leave. I was not ready but the reality is, I never would be. There is never a right moment where I’m at peace with losing someone I love. There is this voice in my head that says “My time is not God’s time.” He has reasons for everything that happens. My mind cannot even begin to understand or absorb what those are. But I have faith that He knows exactly what is going on. I also know that there is a verse that says He draws near to the brokenhearted. Not only do I believe that but I have felt Him in so many instances in my life. There are never answers but there is comfort and hope. Whenever I grieve greatly I feel Him silently say that He has them. That they are ok. For that, I am so thankful.
My counselor has said that I should just take a day where I let myself cry. Let myself grieve for the little girl I was when I went through emotional trauma. For all the pain that I have numbed out. I’ve cried a lot tonight. The thing about trauma and depression is that it is a very heavy cross to bear. I have a wonderful husband but I often do not let him know the extent of my sadness. In my opinion, it is not fair to burden him with weight that is so heavy. There really is no one in this world that I would wish could feel what this is like. Sadly, I know there are many that know the exact feeling. If you are going through loss, grieving for someone you loved, or have had emotional trauma, please know that my heart absolutely goes out to you. It is a long, hot, and hard road to walk. There are no sandals & your feet always bleed. But you have to believe the road will end somewhere good. What is the point if there is no destiny. Therefore, I encourage you to rise. Keep walking. Try not to look back. When you do, you will find me. For that is where I am tonight.
I’m throwing in something completely random here but the other day I thought about the fact that God chose for the stars to be white. He could have made them blue, green, etc. But he chose white. My belief is that he chose a contrasting color to black because He knew we needed to see the stars. He knew we were going to be in great need of guidance and hope. Choosing white for us was a gift. He never intended for us to be lost. I find great comfort in that.
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