ZONK DAY

Today is such a zonk day. It has been raining since I believe yesterday. What has gotten accomplished today……

Coffee- made by my husband

Poptarts- made by me

Church- which consisted of us both lying horizontally on the couch

Cleaning up Jeremy’s upstairs old office area so that at some point I can take pictures there-me

Bed was made- me

Took shower/straightened hair-me

I decided to pick out another comfortable pair of pajamas. Let’s be for real, these are the best outfits in the world. They are soft, baggy, and relaxing. Why are we not wearing these all the dam time? I bet people would not be so stressed out. I did put on a little makeup but decided to xnay the mascara and eye brow pencil. I mean, those two things are a little intense for knowing I’m not going to be leaving the house. The past few days I have felt sick & weak. Yesterday, I tried to rest a lot. I’ve taken my vitamins, drank emergen C, water, rested more, and prayed to God this would pass. Whenever I fall asleep at random times during the day is never a good sign. Very thankful that tomorrow is a holiday and that there is no mail. This means that I get an extra day to package up my orders.

I made a mind blowing great sale on Ebay over the past few days. I’m not going to go into what it was because I have learned that giving away certain things is not a good idea. However, I learned a lesson. That is to keep my eye out for things I would not expect to look for. Always do research on them too. You may just be holding a gem.

I’m hungry but on days like today, cooking is not happening. My cooking has gone very down hill lately, as I have just not felt up to doing it AT ALL. I’ve also noticed that sometimes I skip lunch or breakfast and remember this at some point during the day. I did ask a Depression Facebook group I joined about easy snacks to make that take little to no effort. People had a lot of good ideas, which I appreciated.

About to head down to preheat the oven. I bet my husband and can, Snuggs, are still laying horizontal. Though I am in no way a lover of pizza, thank goodness for it. It’s so dam easy.

Perseverance & Pain

The hardest part of trying to lose weight is just persevering. Some days, pain wins. Emotional pain & physically pain that weigh be down. Other days, I can persevere through the pain and force myself to exercise. I would love to say that I wake up extremely energized and motivated to face the world (ever). But I don’t. Mornings are not my thing. Neither is green tea or exercising. There are times when I convince myself that exercising does not help my Depression. When I am deeply depressed, I’m in the mindset that absolutely nothing helps me. Then when I exercise, I do notice that I feel better. I’m not sure if my body gains new confidence from the exhaustion it’s experiencing or what. Exercising…no wait…MOVING does matter. Even though the safety of the darkness and silence feels much more comforting. In reality, that feeling of comfort is very deceitful. It’s not a healthy place to be. But I am there a lot.

I miss vlogging. I miss Jordan. Tonight I just feel fucking sad and disappointed. I asked my husband if he noticed any difference in my weight. Ladies, this is just never a good decision to ask your husband this. The answer will never fall the correct way on your ears. Take my word for it. My husband said “certain areas.” Which I responded “so basically that is a no.” To which he responded, “well I see you every day so…” Followed up shortly after by, “it takes time.” Each answer felt like I was going another foot under the ground. And it is not his fault. Or even my fault. I’ve just learned from a very young age to have an incredibly critical view of myself. In my reality, I never feel truly worthy. Not good enough. Not smart enough. Just not worth it. Trauma and a lot of bad experiences will do that to a person. I’m in counseling and I’m trying to work on everything. Even doing that though can be heavy & exhausting.

Goals are important but what happens when you can’t meet them. Does that, in face, mean you failed. Did you fail yourself? Did you fail others that were excited for you? Did you fail God? Of course one can always come up with new goals or resolutions. That is, if they are motivated enough to even think after the first set of goals was not met. It just all feels so defeating. I’m supposed to be inspiring and yet, here I am hating everything about life & myself. I think my anxiety is high, that I am triggered, and that I am depressed.

Just FYI, if you want to go see a romantic (or relaxing) movie, don’t choose “Hocus Pocus.” I was trying to find a good October movie for my husband and I to go see. In an effort to do something different, I chose this movie. WRONG MOVIE.

***SPOILER ALERT***

-A little girl gets her soul sucked out and dies in the beginning.

-Witches are burned in a fire

-There is a Zombie thing that comes up out of the dirt, gets head chopped off several times, and will not die

I mean that is just a taste of what I witnessed tonight. Is that what kids are watching these days!?! That movie was PG and yet, as an adult, I definitely think it could give me nightmares. My husband was tense as well in this kid’s movie. He about squeezed my hand off several times. He was also stiff as a dam board sitting up in his chair. There was absolutely no cuddling. It was more of me trying to convince myself that I did not want to walk out. So yeah..In my opinion…NOT worth the money.

Tomorrow I go to counseling so that will definitely be interesting. I can definitely tell Brooke about how that social interaction went yesterday when I went to the neighbors for a movie night. Long story short, I was invited to come over to watch “The Nightmare Before Christmas” on an outside movie screen (sheet). It was supposed to be low key and fun. I had to really convince myself to go. It makes me sad that Jeremy goes to a lot of stuff alone. Any way, I made myself go. Brought Daisy. And was bombarded with noise, a child with tons of questions & a pink stuffed dog, the wrong movie, Daisy shaking like hell, Jeremy chopping wood with a dull blade in the dark, and the neighbors huddled around a fire while Jeremy and I awkwardly sat in chairs. Fun times. Daisy ended up going home first. Lucky her. She was shaking so I had Jeremy take her back. I finally got up the courage to quickly stand up and say “I have to use the restroom I will be back” and tried not to sprint to our house. Our cat, Snuggs, shot out from underneath a car and followed me inside to safety. I just can’t with social situations. It is like everything in me starts malfunctioning when I get into a scenario with more than two people. Also, I observed that the change of movie REALLY seem to upset me. For some reason, Transylvania 3 played instead. I have absolutely no desire to watch that. It just all was A LOT.

I’m clearly just venting in this post because I have so many negative thoughts. I just want to write things down in an effort to get them out and understand myself better. Tomorrow I go to counseling at 11 AM. As much as I wish that I could say I am now getting on the treadmill, I’m not. I think I need to mentally rest myself for tomorrow when Jeremy comes with me to counseling. -_- God be with us.

When A Giant Green High Bug Has More Subscribers

Tonight, while I was sharing my Poshmark closet I heard my husband laughing on the bed. He was like “you have GOT to see this.” I’m not exactly sure what I was looking at. It was this man in a green costume with a green face, giving counseling advice to those that called in. I’m so confused but he thought it was fabulous. He also stated that the man (or bug’s) eyes were red and he looked very high. If you ever caught me dead in a bug costume taking calls on my channel, you are welcome to make that assumption about me. Don’t get excited, it will not be happening unless I’m offered a few million. Anyway, this creature man was doing a live stream. My husband was all bummed when the stream was over. Clearly, we was learning so much -_- . I sort of joked did that thing have a YouTube channel. Which of course, the counselor bug man had. What kills me is that he has like over 2000 subscribers. Which don’t get me wrong, that is not that many. But dam, he has more than my channel! I quit. ha! I’m going to Mars, NOW.

Jeremy and I did get to walk around the neighborhood late tonight. It was 9:30 PM which used to seem very late to me. However, I have discovered that it is very quiet to walk at night. There are no children zooming around on skate boards, no huddles of chatty people in the street, no one walking by that you awkwardly say hi too (maybe that is just me). Anyway, I’m sure for Jeremy walking at night is very boring. We have different personalities when it comes to about everything. This is why at the end of the day, I think we work. He did go with me though which I appreciated. I’ve been trying to walk more. Yesterday, Daisy and I made it to the end of our neighborhood by the pool. It was a very long walk (or at least felt like it) but we made it. I was proud of her and I’m sure, in her own Chihuahua way, she was proud of me.

I went to go see my life coach earlier today. We talked more about what dissociation is and things that can help with it. I am realizing that there is all different types of dissociation and that most of us, in some form, probably do it. Some healthy ways of dissociating are reading and day dreaming. I’ve learned that our bodies often dissociate to help protect us from trauma. For some, they may faint. Others may feel completely numb. It’s amazing how our body works to protect us from enemies. It is almost like humans have special powers they do not know about (or at least I did not.) My counselor wants to work with me on grounding techniques. I took home a dissociation sheet that I’m going to try to keep with me. I am going to focus on when it happens, what my surroundings were, what I was feeling, etc. The next session is going to be about friendships that have ended and different ways of looking at some of those situations. Also, we are going to try to come up with the type of person that would be good for me to make friends with. Though one of my main long term friendships recently ended, the hard reality is that maybe it should have ended a long time ago. I had a trauma bond with someone that I cared about greatly. Don’t get me wrong, I do really miss her. There are moments where I wish I could call. I’ve even reached out through email and apologized to her for how everything went down. Now I can at least walk away knowing that I tried. Sometimes, God’s answer is no. Or maybe it is the right person but wrong time. Things can change in the future. American’s are used to getting everything at a fast speed when they want in. In my opinion, the vast majority of us have become unbelievably selfish and lazy from technology. But that is for another day….

I did go to the thrift store today after counseling. There is really nothing knew about that because I head there every time. Every time I think about not going but it is almost like it helps me decompress when I go. I am reading a book called “Spent” that discusses spending problems in America, how advertisers target us to solve our problems, etc. It sounds interesting if I ever sit still long enough to read it. Sourcing for Poshmark can be fun but I also feel that shopping comes from a place of pain. It’s a peaceful escape to be amongst books and old items. However, I know that I spend too much money on these things.

Tonight, I went through my books in our library room and had a ton to donate. I swear I went through those books not long ago. It is interesting how we change as people. What was once very important for us to read does not apply or interest me anymore. Thankfully, all those books were from the thrift store so not too much money was wasted. I would be lying if I said that I did not pick up a few new books from thrifting today. It’s a problem. I know.

I’m ended here because my husband is wanting us to crash. It is hard to balance everything. Reselling. Counseling. Pets. Married Life. Everything is just so involved. Don’t get me wrong, I would not change it for anything. I’m incredibly thankful for what I have and who I am with. Things just can feel overwhelming at times. New strategies are needed to work through times like that. Organization is another topic for another day.

Today was better than yesterday.

Tonight I Miss Them

It’s crazy how I spend the majority of my life teetering between ice numb and strong as hell. Rarely is there a middle ground of sadness that I allow myself to feel. It is like this fortress is built around me with with guards. For a moment, I am safe because nothing can get to me. No one can leave me. Therefore, nothing could have happened. And then there is that memory that I let slip through. That one painful tear that drops. Causing all of the windows to blow out of my fortress. The bats fly in the windows. An earthquake crumbles everything to the ground. Darkness has found me, as it always does.

Tonight, I feel dark and distraught. I miss Will and Becky in a way that I can’t even explain. It is as if they did something for me just by existing. Even if they did not call, they could. Even if they did not understand, they tried. It blows the windows out of my soul when I look back and remember having to call Will to tell him Becky died. It was a horrible thing to have to do. He was so upset that he called me back after we had just talked. Fast forward a few years later and I find out on Facebook of all fucking places that something had happened too Will. There were messages on his page that did not sound right. People saying what a good person he was. I had to message someone just to figure out what was going on. He was one of those very tough biker guys that had this invincible energy. Someone that always was on the cusp of trouble but managed to escape it. He used to tell me that “I was all he had left.” When I found out he had died, I had no one to call that understood. We had always searched for each other during our lives. Amazingly, we found each other. And then everyone died.

I truly hope that they got the better end of the deal. They had both suffered for so long in different ways. Both deserved to be together, to feel love, and to get of this fucking earth that has gone to hell. Selfishly, I want them here. I’m angry they had to leave. I was not ready but the reality is, I never would be. There is never a right moment where I’m at peace with losing someone I love. There is this voice in my head that says “My time is not God’s time.” He has reasons for everything that happens. My mind cannot even begin to understand or absorb what those are. But I have faith that He knows exactly what is going on. I also know that there is a verse that says He draws near to the brokenhearted. Not only do I believe that but I have felt Him in so many instances in my life. There are never answers but there is comfort and hope. Whenever I grieve greatly I feel Him silently say that He has them. That they are ok. For that, I am so thankful.

My counselor has said that I should just take a day where I let myself cry. Let myself grieve for the little girl I was when I went through emotional trauma. For all the pain that I have numbed out. I’ve cried a lot tonight. The thing about trauma and depression is that it is a very heavy cross to bear. I have a wonderful husband but I often do not let him know the extent of my sadness. In my opinion, it is not fair to burden him with weight that is so heavy. There really is no one in this world that I would wish could feel what this is like. Sadly, I know there are many that know the exact feeling. If you are going through loss, grieving for someone you loved, or have had emotional trauma, please know that my heart absolutely goes out to you. It is a long, hot, and hard road to walk. There are no sandals & your feet always bleed. But you have to believe the road will end somewhere good. What is the point if there is no destiny. Therefore, I encourage you to rise. Keep walking. Try not to look back. When you do, you will find me. For that is where I am tonight.

I’m throwing in something completely random here but the other day I thought about the fact that God chose for the stars to be white. He could have made them blue, green, etc. But he chose white. My belief is that he chose a contrasting color to black because He knew we needed to see the stars. He knew we were going to be in great need of guidance and hope. Choosing white for us was a gift. He never intended for us to be lost. I find great comfort in that.

Is This Real Life?

I do not know what has happened to this world or the people in it. There seems to be less inspiration & air. For those that are empowered to live life, what are you empowered by? I want the energy to find that which makes life worth living. Traveling and being with people would really be such a drastic step forward for me. I’m lonely, weak, and very sad.

We have this crazy neighbor that lives in front of us. For some reason, for the past few days she has gone on a hiatus about our cat taking a shit in her garden. She has gone so far as to ring our door bell at 9:30 PM last night to alert us of the shit, leave TWO notes today about cleaning up cat poop, and has pushed us to get a no trespassing sign on our door. I have no idea what her deal is. When I first met her, I really wished I could have liked her. She liked plants and seemed to speak her mind. With that being said, I quickly realized she was into drama & bad mouthing someone that had been kind to me. She also really crossed a line when she took a sip out of my husband’s water bottle, mentioned to me that she hoped I did not think she was flirting with him, and refused to leave me alone when we were outside.

Just so I can look back one day and realize the extent of the insanity….here are the two pictures this girl left for us today.

I’m so done. I hate people here. Obviously, I do care if my cat is vandalizing someones property. However, he is using the bathroom in the dirt. There are also a lot of other cats in the neighborhood that live mostly outside. My husband has given her permission to squirt our cat with a squirt bottle if she sees him using the restroom in her plants. She refused to do this. I don’t even think she has proof that it is our cat (or just our cat). Anyway, my husband and I now have a gigantic “No Trespassing” sign on our front door. Hopefully, she gets the dam picture and stops coming to our house.

My anxiety is at such a level today. It’s like, I want to go and walk around my neighborhood. But I’m afraid to be around my neighbor. It makes me think of Mr. Rogers Song “It’s A Beautiful Day In The Neighborhood.” There is a part where he said “Will you be my neighbor?” Why, yes Mr. Rogers, I would be happy too. Please come take this neighbors crazy ass away and move on in with your fish. In all reality, I did love the show called Mr. Rogers growing up.

He always picked out a new sweater, fed the fish, and talked to puppets. Life was simple, predictable, and kind. What a world it would be. Maybe he stayed in his house all the time because his neighborhood was crazy as all hell too.

Ok, I am done ranting for right now. I just needed to get all of this off my chest. This is actually the second time. The first was when I wrote in my counseling journal about all of this. Clearly, I still had a lot more to say. I have orders that I need to package up but my head is hurting. I’m tempted to go hide underneath the blanket & never come out.

ONE OF THOSE YEARS, WEEKS, DAYS

I have no idea what is going on with 2020 but I am OVER it. I can’t remember a time where there has been more sickness and violence. As someone with Depression, I get a double dose of it whenever I look up a YouTube update. I try not to because every time I do, my survival rate seems slim.

Today, was just an absolute fail when it comes to cooking. I got this packet of Alfredo pasta mix. It had like 3 steps that were easy enough to follow. The problem was, apparently I was supposed to add more Alfredo noodles. And of course the company did not tell me that. This resulted in my garlic bread and broccoli being ready at the same time my pasta looked like white soup. My husband advised me to add some more noodles and then to add water. It just did not look like something at one point that we could salvage. So I am standing there like wtf do I do with this garlic bread and broccoli. While he ordered pizza, I stuffed two slices of garlic bread in my mouth (due to starvation & stress).

We then drove at around 9 PM to go and pick up two pizzas. I was feeling bloated and ick from the garlic bread. We got back with the pizza and I decided that I was just going to eat the pasta I made that was edible. Not good but edible. For someone who is starving haha. I’m just not big into pizza. My husband loves it though and we had already planned to order it for his birthday.

His neighbor friends were outside so I told him to go hang out with them. He brought over little carrot cake cookies we bought from the store. I’m happy that he has met some people that he enjoys being around. That is really important for him. I recently got a text message that said the cops are here and I may be getting arrested. He has joked with me before about that but I thought the message did warrant a phone call. Turns out, he was half serious. The cop cars were parked outside our house. But they were actually over at our neighbors house that lives right in front of us. This is the second time since we have lived here that the cops have come to her house. I’m sure that it gave the neighbors something to watch under their umbrella.

On a lighter note, I did make my first sale out of my kids Poshmark closet, Sandcastle Store, today. I sold a Pink Hello Kitty Plush for $14. I was thankful that at least something sold in the store in general. It has taken a while to get it going. Also, listing takes absolutely forever. Especially when you cross list items. I gave up the first time I tried starting a kids store. That action, in and of itself, was the problem. The link to my Adult & Kids Poshmark store is below. Feel free to stop by!

ADULT: https://poshmark.com/closet/drrelicrescue

KIDS: https://poshmark.com/closet/sandcastleshop

Tonight I Cried

I’ve realized that one of the hardest things for me to do is to write when I do not know how to explain what I am feeling. Last week I just started feeling incredibly depressed. Unfortunately, that feeling has continued on to this week. I feel anger and hatred towards those that have. For they will never know what it is like to have not. There is this darkness in me that craves the light of a friendship. I’ve unfortunately not connected with a single person since moving away from Charleston, SC. This was the worst fucking idea to move. It was a case of me not understanding what I had. It’s not always greener on the other side. Sometimes, the grass you seek is on fire.

Now, I stay home all the time. The only person I see is my husband. Don’t get me wrong, he is a very important person and I love him. But socially I just have no interaction other than going to the thrift store. Being a reseller is crazy competitive and yet, an extremely lonely career. It’s ironic how that is. You would think more people would want support & advice. It’s pretty much all about money and the stress of finding items that will make it. People care about status and that which is green. It’s all silliness & sadness to me. What happened to valuing others and accepting them? Why are we always trying to be better? What is better anyway… a new grill, party of specially selected people, having children that drive toy cars nicer than adults…. I do not understand this dream that the mass seeks. It looks silly. I want to laugh and them and put them in a reality show called Lower Class. Put them to work scrubbing toilets, make sure they get hungry with minimal food, bills flooding in that they can’t pay, working tooth and nail for every cent they have. There idea of what value is would change really quickly, believe me.

People make me sick. And the sicker I feel, the more alone I am. I don’t even feel like I’m on a deserted island. More like, living on one of those undiscovered planets in orbit. I think there was a movie called Mars where an astronaut was actually left behind on his mission there. He had to figure out complete survival. I wish that movie were real and that I could be friends with him. That is what I am looking for in a friendship. Salt of the earth, crazy hard working, and brutally honest. Have those people gone extinct?

Tonight I cried some. I just sat at my computer chair and started crying as I was taking off my makeup. People I love are not coming back. I can’t call people I need. Rarely, does anyone check on me. The reality of this is razor sharp and cuts into you with a vengeance to kill. As childish as I am sure it sounds, it’s not fair. Every once in a while, I allow myself to feel all that hurts. And when that happens, I cry for everything my soul longs for. Everyone that I will never again touch, hear their voice, or gather strength from. Even in weak moments though, I have faith. I believe in God and that one day, there will be immense healing. That those searching will finally find each other. I look forward to that day.

Today Was LONG

A lot of things got accomplished today which is good:

-Snuggs went to the vet and got his Depot shot and Revolution.

-Jeremy and I mailed a lot of packages for Poshmark, Mercari, and Ebay

-I sourced some at our local Goodwill before bringing home our China Cabinet I scored the other day for $29.99 from there !

-I opened a new Poshmark shop called, Sandcastle Shop, for kids clothes.

– I transferred several items from my main Poshmark shop @drrelicrescue to @sandcastleshop.

-I wrote in my google docs for Brooke to read.

FRUSTRATIONS

-Jeremy’s tire blew out. It looked more like it blew up when we stopped the car to figure out why the car was vibrating. THANKFULLY, we were able to make it back home. It’s questionable as to whether it was slashed or hit a curb at some point.

-Neighbors have yet to ask me much about myself.

-Last week, for most of the week, I felt sickly. I kept a cough and felt weak.

PROGRESS THAT HAS BEEN MADE

-I talked to two of our neighbors that came over to see our blown out tire. (fun times) One thought our tire had been slashed. The other did not.

-Jeremy went tubing last weekend and had a great time with neighbors. We ordered a tube for us to go. The neighbors made him a steak in exchange for dog sitting we are going to do. (What is it with men? They do not need money. They need Steak.)

I met a woman today at Goodwill that gave me her number. We were in line and I asked her if she was a reseller. She said no but did say she sells purses on Mercari and strollers (that are not selling well). I figured maybe we could talk about that kind of thing.

After taking vitamins religiously and Airborne, I do feel that I am feeling stronger.

THIS WEEKS GOALS

Hang My White Board In Office

Finish Putting Glass Shelves In China Cabinet

Bring Everything From Porch Inside Car Or House

Counseling

List, List, List!

On that note, heading out!

Today Was Strange

Today was very strange, in that I had a lot of random things happen.

  • I got attacked by a giant metal flower on the door of a local boutique I went in. (Don’t Ask)
  • At Goodwill, I was cut in line by a woman that clearly saw, I was in line before her.
  • My neighbor asked “Are Yall Jesus People?” after reading my shirt with a Bible verse on it. (What does that even mean?.. My answer was, yes, we are Christians….)
  • After counseling today, I went thrifting and bought over 10 (I think) new (thrifted) books. Whenever I have an intense session, I race over to the thrift store. Let us be real, that is just about every time I go.
  • Jeremy and I gave our neighbors mini cherry tomatoes tied in grocery bags. They looked just like dog poo poo bags. -_-
  • My Poshmark Closet, Mercari, and Ebay have had their names changed (again….for like the 3rd or 4th time..no wait, make that 5th time). My closet has been “Curvy Seahorse,” “LeatherAndLaceco,” “Glass Hanger,” “FarmNSunflowers,” and is now “DrRelicRescue.”

Days like today are just a little too much. I want to get the thrifted items I got today out of my car. At the same time, I don’t want our neighbor to reappear and talk to me for another 30 minutes. I may peak out the door and survey her location.

Thank goodness for the lasagna I made yesterday! I did not have to worry about what we were eating for dinner, because it was already in the fridge. I have got to start cooking more. I expressed to my counselor today that there are a lot of things I want to get done that I end up putting aside, in an effort to help other people. Her and I both agree that this is not good for me. That I should make time to spend on myself. Lately, I have not been finding that time at all. We talked about boundaries on her porch and the importance of them. Also about how I am a caretaker & I burn myself out helping everyone else. A few days ago I signed up for SoundStripe so that I could have licensed music in my videos. I’ve been wanting to do that for probably over a year now. It took me maybe an hour to decide which company I wanted to go with and to sign up. Very easy. I need to do stuff like that more often.

I’ve decided that I am definitely a book hoarder. It’s a problem, as I do not have enough places to put all of my books. And yet, I love to be surrounded by stories and information. Novels are not my thing, personally. I prefer advice, cleaning, decorating, crafting, or true crime books. Lately, I have been picking up gardening books for Jeremy. I’ve been with him over 4 years and I can’t recall him picking up an actual book. He prefers the books on his phone which I will never relate to. If I cannot hold it and turn the pages then it takes the whole experience of reading away for me. I’m thankful he reads though and hopefully, at some point, he will browse through his growing collection of gardening books.

I am reading a new business book that gives you lots of tips on branding and starting a business. The reason I got inspired change my reselling username is because of this book. It explained in the first few chapters the importance of your business name. Asking questions like, “can people tell what you do by your brand name?” I’m sitting there thinking, well mine is “FarmNSunflowers.” I sounded more like a gardening shop than a reseller of clothing and thrifted items. The other day I saw a van that said Dr. Grill and I just loved the concept. It told me immediately that the person specialized in building/repairing grills. I came up with the idea to name my reselling businesses “Dr. Relic Rescue.” I feel that this is exactly what I do. I specialize in rescuing things from the past. Amazingly, this name was available on Poshmark, Mercari, and Ebay.

Off to read some more business information. I need to finish this book before I get to the other 2000 that are waiting for me to read them. I need to start going outside again to read.

Balancing

I feel like I am balancing balls. Except, they are fireballs with spikes. I’m juggling them while I am on a bike, that I don’t know how to ride. I bought coffee a few hours ago and heated it up once already. I just tried it and it is cold. Fuck my life. It’s been mentally exhausting lately with counseling, healing, trust issues, and everything else that goes along with the quote, “the struggle is real.”

If anything, I have come to know that nothing gets better unless work is done. One must own their actions, learn from them, and use that knowledge to build themselves up higher. What I do not have a tolerance for is when people decide to not do those things. To put it nicely, they prefer to sit in their shit. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been there. Some days, I am still there. What gives me hope is the days where I feel progress has been made. Currently, my recovery progress is being hindered by other things and people in my life. I sympathize with mental illness and support anyone who is going through it. Dealing with conditions like Depression, Anxiety, PTSD, Bipolar, Manic Depression, Etc, I feel is one of the hardest things to explain. It’s a sickness that is invisible to others. And yet so painful to survive.

I’m in counseling and plan to be for a very long time. As is my husband. Out of respect for my marriage and him, I do not discuss in detail a lot of the things that I witness or feel related to his illness. I just want to say lately that it has been hard. To the point that I felt I was hitting a breaking point emotionally because I am so burned out. My counselor explained that it was important to get the ball back into his court so that I did not have to carry both. His counselor agreed today that one person cannot carry another. I can’t lie, I’m thankful they acknowledged that. We talked with his counselor today a while over the phone. I’m encouraged after the conversation and feel that there is a better support network there than I previously thought.

After this though, I wrote out notes about tomorrows session with one of his doctors. I also typed out an outline of today’s counseling session for us to hold onto. This is something I have even yet to do for my own counseling sessions. He came in to see what I was doing and then was about to leave the room. I asked if he appreciated that I did this stuff for him. He said that he did and gave me a hug & kiss. It sucks I always have to ask him to get that kind of response. I do not know why it is not obvious that I am fighting to save him, when I should be fighting for myself. In a marriage though, I do believe there comes a time where you need to lean on one another. Too many people these days give up, walk out, or turn to holding hostility against the other. I’ve always wanted my marriage to be much different than this. I love my husband and find him to have wonderful qualities. His heart is good, his hands are gentle, his eyes are curious, and he has some hilarious socks. Giving up or walking out are not something I consider as options. Finding resources, reaching out, and using any strength I have to help him is on the table though.

The difficult thing is, where does that leave me mentally ? When I am not ok, who is taking care of me? Or better yet, who is even noticing? I have a Mother’s With Narcissism book that I am supposed to be reading for my therapy. I’ve read very little of it. Also, the majority of my counseling sessions are now taken up discussing my husband and how things are affecting me. It’s exhausting and makes my progress feel like it is going backwards.

I hope tomorrow when we talk to his doctor that we can find a balance. That everyone can get on the same dam page. That all of this energy I am putting into helping him will be worth it. Until then, I may go buy another coffee that is actually hot. You can find me in the book section of Goodwill. Going to get out and get some fresh air. Life look differently when you do that.