anxiety and depression

ZONK DAY

Today is such a zonk day. It has been raining since I believe yesterday. What has gotten accomplished today……

Coffee- made by my husband

Poptarts- made by me

Church- which consisted of us both lying horizontally on the couch

Cleaning up Jeremy’s upstairs old office area so that at some point I can take pictures there-me

Bed was made- me

Took shower/straightened hair-me

I decided to pick out another comfortable pair of pajamas. Let’s be for real, these are the best outfits in the world. They are soft, baggy, and relaxing. Why are we not wearing these all the dam time? I bet people would not be so stressed out. I did put on a little makeup but decided to xnay the mascara and eye brow pencil. I mean, those two things are a little intense for knowing I’m not going to be leaving the house. The past few days I have felt sick & weak. Yesterday, I tried to rest a lot. I’ve taken my vitamins, drank emergen C, water, rested more, and prayed to God this would pass. Whenever I fall asleep at random times during the day is never a good sign. Very thankful that tomorrow is a holiday and that there is no mail. This means that I get an extra day to package up my orders.

I made a mind blowing great sale on Ebay over the past few days. I’m not going to go into what it was because I have learned that giving away certain things is not a good idea. However, I learned a lesson. That is to keep my eye out for things I would not expect to look for. Always do research on them too. You may just be holding a gem.

I’m hungry but on days like today, cooking is not happening. My cooking has gone very down hill lately, as I have just not felt up to doing it AT ALL. I’ve also noticed that sometimes I skip lunch or breakfast and remember this at some point during the day. I did ask a Depression Facebook group I joined about easy snacks to make that take little to no effort. People had a lot of good ideas, which I appreciated.

About to head down to preheat the oven. I bet my husband and can, Snuggs, are still laying horizontal. Though I am in no way a lover of pizza, thank goodness for it. It’s so dam easy.

Is This Real Life?

I do not know what has happened to this world or the people in it. There seems to be less inspiration & air. For those that are empowered to live life, what are you empowered by? I want the energy to find that which makes life worth living. Traveling and being with people would really be such a drastic step forward for me. I’m lonely, weak, and very sad.

We have this crazy neighbor that lives in front of us. For some reason, for the past few days she has gone on a hiatus about our cat taking a shit in her garden. She has gone so far as to ring our door bell at 9:30 PM last night to alert us of the shit, leave TWO notes today about cleaning up cat poop, and has pushed us to get a no trespassing sign on our door. I have no idea what her deal is. When I first met her, I really wished I could have liked her. She liked plants and seemed to speak her mind. With that being said, I quickly realized she was into drama & bad mouthing someone that had been kind to me. She also really crossed a line when she took a sip out of my husband’s water bottle, mentioned to me that she hoped I did not think she was flirting with him, and refused to leave me alone when we were outside.

Just so I can look back one day and realize the extent of the insanity….here are the two pictures this girl left for us today.

I’m so done. I hate people here. Obviously, I do care if my cat is vandalizing someones property. However, he is using the bathroom in the dirt. There are also a lot of other cats in the neighborhood that live mostly outside. My husband has given her permission to squirt our cat with a squirt bottle if she sees him using the restroom in her plants. She refused to do this. I don’t even think she has proof that it is our cat (or just our cat). Anyway, my husband and I now have a gigantic “No Trespassing” sign on our front door. Hopefully, she gets the dam picture and stops coming to our house.

My anxiety is at such a level today. It’s like, I want to go and walk around my neighborhood. But I’m afraid to be around my neighbor. It makes me think of Mr. Rogers Song “It’s A Beautiful Day In The Neighborhood.” There is a part where he said “Will you be my neighbor?” Why, yes Mr. Rogers, I would be happy too. Please come take this neighbors crazy ass away and move on in with your fish. In all reality, I did love the show called Mr. Rogers growing up.

He always picked out a new sweater, fed the fish, and talked to puppets. Life was simple, predictable, and kind. What a world it would be. Maybe he stayed in his house all the time because his neighborhood was crazy as all hell too.

Ok, I am done ranting for right now. I just needed to get all of this off my chest. This is actually the second time. The first was when I wrote in my counseling journal about all of this. Clearly, I still had a lot more to say. I have orders that I need to package up but my head is hurting. I’m tempted to go hide underneath the blanket & never come out.

Having Depression Is Suffocating

Having Depression is like being canned in a jar. You can’t move, break out, or even breathe. I feel like a lot of people think of mental illness as being just that, mental. However, it is a physical illness too. My body gets tight, my head hurts, I start sweating, and basically curl into a ball in the dark. I sound like some kind of animal going into a menopausal hibernation. It would be funny, except that it is my reality.

My cat, Snuggs, is able to tell when I am having the darkest of days. Today, he laid his body across mine and slept. He is normally outside. They just know.

Depression makes me feel ashamed of my actions. As it progresses, I become more ashamed of the person I have become. Or lack there of. Something within me tells me I’m defected. Not good enough. Nor ever will be. The only thing I am an expert at is dealing & surviving. That is not the answer people want to hear from me though when they ask what my plans are. To society, surviving is not good enough. The answer is not acceptable. The password is incorrect. An error has occurred.

Whenever I interact with people, I feel as though I am thrown into a judgmental incinerator. This is probably why I have come to fear people, hate questions, and myself. I’ve heard that it is important to love yourself as you are. But people forget to warn you that others will most likely not. In a world most people are craving acceptance and love, I’m an outcast. It is ironic how that is.