battling depression

Hoarding & Crazy Box Order

First off, I need to vent about the Corona Virus. It has become a media sensation that has triggered massive shopping sprees to Costco. The hot item seems to be…..are you ready?…. Toilet Paper. Apparently, all stores are selling out of toilet paper, water, and hand sanitizer. Lines are wrapping around buildings and customers are hoarding the crap out of products. I heard on one YouTube video that 10 face masks were going for over $200. It was being discussed how price gouging is illegal. But in all reality, lets’s be honest, we know tons of people are probably doing it. You never knew your toilet paper was going to become so valuable did you? If you have stock in any hand sanitizer or toiletry company, your night is probably going amazingly well. In the meantime, the rest of us are sitting here wondering WTF has gotten into people.

Here is what I know (Or Hope I Know). If I stay in the house, this virus will not come for me. If I can’t find a bottle of hand sanitizer, there is still a chance I will survive. That is because I have soap that does the same thing. So do you. Rest easy. Basically, I am in quarantine until the crazy toilet paper fighting videos stop. But seriously, please consider when you shop that others need things. Schools need hand sanitizer. Those sick now need access to over the counter medications. I personally almost went into a panic attack when I thought I was down to my last cough drop. In my mind I panicked about there being a cough drop shortage. Thankfully, before I had a heart attack, I found a few extra bags in the house. The scare of this virus is real but so is the scare for supplies. The Corona Virus did not cause that. Humans did.

I love how I am not going to go from advising people to not hoard, to being a crazy box hoarder. This has just been one of those days. I noticed someone pass by in front of the window and I peaked to see what car was out front. Turns out, it was the mail truck. The mail had come earlier so I was confused at why they came back. When I opened the door, I was met with an actual wall of boxes. Feeling in shock & seeing that the mail truck was still there, I quickly shut the door. Probably 15-20 mins later, the truck finally pulled away. To my dismay, there were now two stacks of boxes. This was a definite “FML What Did I Do?” Moment. Clearly, I have enough shipping supplies to last me the next five years….

If my husband reads this blog, he is going to love this. When I went to turn on the shower today, thinking I was about to do something relaxing, I was met with an incredibly cold surprise. Somehow the shower head had gotten turned so it was pointing directly at my face. I had enough time to turn on the water & stand up before I realized this. Not enough time, however, to prevent myself from getting hit in the face with freezing water. My shirt was literally soaked by the time I managed to get the dam thing turned off. I do not know how this event & the massive Priority box delivery happen in the same day. These are both two very ridiculous things. My life being non fiction, I can assure you, they did.

I’m about to get in bed & watch true crime (or crazy Carona Virus shopping) videos until I fall asleep. If that is even possible. The majority of today has been met with the background music of my dogs woofing. Their bark sounds the same every time so I don’t know if they are cussing everyone out or what. Most likely, they are demanding a steak on a tray with a side of ham. Anyway, I am completely burned out from the loud noises. They always get louder when my husband is on a trip. Joy. I’m going to bed earlier and so are they (hopefully). Wish me luck!

Being A Wife With Depression

I can sum it up in three words. Ready? It’s Fucking Hard.

My mental illness makes a lot of basic things hard for me. Tasks such as taking a shower, cleaning, running errands, etc, fill me with exhaustion & anxiety. On most days, I make myself do them. When I got married, more items got added to this list of essential daily chores. It feels defeating. If you could see the sink full of dishes or the wet laundry that has not yet been switched over, you would grasp my feeling of defeat. Working outside the home is also not something, at this point, I feel I can do. On top of constantly getting physically sick, I literally send my depression into a black hole. My husband also never sees me because once managers get their claws into me, I fall victim to working on a schedule that includes weekends. None of this is conducive to marriage or depression.

Before I get further down this rant, I want to state that my husband is a very good man. I believe with all my heart that God led him to me in a time of extreme darkness. He provides, loves, and gives me great comic relief daily. This blog today is not to break him down or complain about the person whom I chose to spend my life with. My husband has provided me with a life that I never expected the chance to have. On my worst days, I’m grateful to him. With that being said, I think the topic of marriage and depression is important. Both topics are aspects of my life that play a big role in who I am & what I struggle with.

It’s important to note that everyone’s marriage is different. This is something my counselor told me. Therefore, everyone’s struggle is different. There is not one structured format one must follow to be ensure a happily ever after marriage. If this book went out of print, please let me know and I will barter some clothes for it. What is acceptable in some people’s marriages today would not be in mine. And vise versa. Please remember that I am writing about my personal struggles with mental illness and marriage. If these things do not bother you, that is ok. I’m sure though, on some level, you may be able to relate.

I struggle greatly with organization. Don’t get me wrong, I love cleanliness and order. But to achieve those things takes great effort. Which on most days, I do not feel like I have. I’ve found that lists of things get me moving in the right direction. When it comes to my marriage, there are definitely times when lists are needed. One being grocery lists. The act of going grocery shopping does not bother me too much. However, the lack of control as to what I put in the buggy does. Seeing the bill after shopping can literally send me into shock. Implementing a list & sticking to it prevents me from paying for chaos. Another list that comes into play is on my “command station.” (Aka White Board From Hobby Lobby). On this board I make a list of all the bills that we need to pay each month. I check things off as I go down the list. When I get sick, super depressed, or just exhausted this list gets shot to hell. I keep working at it though.

Cleanliness deserves its own paragraph. Do you ever wish you could rent one of those huge dumpsters you see at construction sites to just empty your house into? The older I get, the more I realize the amount of anxiety that items cause me. My husband has a different outlook to cleanliness. He is satisfied with sock balls being on the couch, beer cans being left out, and the bathroom being cleaned once a year. He once told me that he wants a house to feel “lived in.” I understand and sympathize with this. However, through my eyes, his “lived in” style looks as if a tornado hit & then a tree fell on the house. This causes my anxiety to sky rocket & puts me into an all out cleaning binge, causing our Cocker Spaniel’s blood pressure to sky rocket. It’s been very challenging to find a middle ground where him and I can both survive. Notice I did not say that we are satisfied or happy. I’ve implemented laundry baskets in the bedroom. One for clean clothes and one for dirty. Despite my disdain for dirty clothes in the bedroom, I must admit this has helped with the sock balls (and other random clothing items). I’ve also tried to work on nagging him and using the word “now.” Instead of “I need you to clean this now” I make an effort to say “Before you go to bed can you do this?” It gives him responsibility and time to finish his viking war shows. Yall, it is a work in progress. That is all I can say.

Another thing about marriage & mental illness that is challenging is feeling appreciated. I stay in a constant state of mind that I am not good enough. I get frustrated easily when I do not understand how to do things or find places. Basically, any excuse I have to hate myself, I go with. It is what feels comfortable because it is what I have always done. I self sabatoge myself by drowning in these thoughts. This type of thinking is not caused by my husband. He has always told me that he loves me as I am. As time goes on though, I think he is realizing that flowers, cards, and verbal motivation help me a great deal. Men, if your wife/girlfriend/partner is struggling with self care, know that you can do something to help. Scheduling for them to get their hair done, making a tattoo appointment, buying tickets for a movie night, giving her a gift card to Starbucks, going to the gym with them…..these things help. Anything that promotes self care and self confidence is of great importance in a marriage to a person with mental illness. (or any marriage in general for that matter)

I’m going to end here because I need to take a shower & make a list of what we need to get at Costco today. Hopefully, somewhere in there I will find the strength to start packing us up for our trip next weekend. Also, my husband and I have planned to work on my blog at some point. He is currently still asleep. My chihuahua is refusing to eat her breakfast. The office is a disaster. Wish me luck. If you can identify with the crazy struggle of mental illness & marriage, feel free to comment or like this blog post. It lets me know that I am not alone. And that is a wonderful feeling.

Morning Rituals & A Mouse For Breakfast

My insomnia from the flu & depression has kicked up a notch. The result has been that I’ve read a lot more Pinterest articles on how to improve life. I would be doing a disservice to you to not mention a few of these blog posts that have inspired me. Click on the title to be taken to the article. The first being 5 Morning Rituals For A Magical Day . I can see how my lack of rituals takes a tole on my depression. It’s hard enough to get out of bed but when that is accomplished, what is it I’m supposed to do? If that does not sound like the laziest thing ever then I don’t know what does so we are going to move on quickly…Clearly, I need rituals. The second article being The Importance Of A Sacred Space & How To Create One. What I loved about these articles is that they give you a variety of ideas on how to create peace in your day. There is no set in stone answer about finding it, but these get you on the right track.

As far as morning rituals go, there is one thing I can always count on. My cat, Snuggs, does not miss a beat when it comes to staring me out of bed.

His whiskers are so long that they do not even fit in the frame. Lately, he has been more patient with me and has postponed his clawing the bedside as a last resort. Snuggs, I believe, understands that I have depression. I’ve read that cats can tell whether your temperature is a couple of degrees off or if you have a disease like cancer. Correct me if I am wrong but I think it has something to do with your body chemistry that they smell. I tried to research whether cats know we have Depression. The majority of all the results were of articles on if our cat, in fact, has depression. Not exactly what I was going for. Not to say it could not happen but my cats seem more stable than me on their average day (whatever that is exactly). I asked Alexa “does my cat know if I have Depression?” She literally malfunctioned. And people think technology is so smart….

I read a really interesting article on WordPress the other day. Of course, I did not save it so I had to search it out again. Click on the title to take a look “Lavender-Infused Bullshit: A Post On Supporting Loved Ones With Mental Illness” . First off, I am obsessed with the title because it just literally grabs your eyeballs. This article is about appropriate gifts to give someone struggling with mental illness. I’ve thought about a lot of things, but this is not one of them. The writer definitely had an understanding of my condition & what would truly be helpful. One of the things she wrote about was food. Sending food or something you have prepared to drop off. I swear, cats just KNOW. This morning, right on the front doorstep, I found the tiniest little delivery.

My sweet black cat, Dahlia, must have been reading the same article I had been. This just goes to show how everyone’s perception of things is different. Instead of being very upset with her, I instead felt gratitude that she thought enough of me to catch me breakfast. I’m sure it took effort and that she was quite proud. I gave Dahlia a soft cat treat and secretly snuck my “breakfast” into a trash bag outside. Such a sweet little mouse. I feel sad that you had to lose your life but hope you know, it did mean something. It reminded me that I was thought of, and in my world, that is a big deal.