Depression

ZONK DAY

Today is such a zonk day. It has been raining since I believe yesterday. What has gotten accomplished today……

Coffee- made by my husband

Poptarts- made by me

Church- which consisted of us both lying horizontally on the couch

Cleaning up Jeremy’s upstairs old office area so that at some point I can take pictures there-me

Bed was made- me

Took shower/straightened hair-me

I decided to pick out another comfortable pair of pajamas. Let’s be for real, these are the best outfits in the world. They are soft, baggy, and relaxing. Why are we not wearing these all the dam time? I bet people would not be so stressed out. I did put on a little makeup but decided to xnay the mascara and eye brow pencil. I mean, those two things are a little intense for knowing I’m not going to be leaving the house. The past few days I have felt sick & weak. Yesterday, I tried to rest a lot. I’ve taken my vitamins, drank emergen C, water, rested more, and prayed to God this would pass. Whenever I fall asleep at random times during the day is never a good sign. Very thankful that tomorrow is a holiday and that there is no mail. This means that I get an extra day to package up my orders.

I made a mind blowing great sale on Ebay over the past few days. I’m not going to go into what it was because I have learned that giving away certain things is not a good idea. However, I learned a lesson. That is to keep my eye out for things I would not expect to look for. Always do research on them too. You may just be holding a gem.

I’m hungry but on days like today, cooking is not happening. My cooking has gone very down hill lately, as I have just not felt up to doing it AT ALL. I’ve also noticed that sometimes I skip lunch or breakfast and remember this at some point during the day. I did ask a Depression Facebook group I joined about easy snacks to make that take little to no effort. People had a lot of good ideas, which I appreciated.

About to head down to preheat the oven. I bet my husband and can, Snuggs, are still laying horizontal. Though I am in no way a lover of pizza, thank goodness for it. It’s so dam easy.

Tonight I Miss Them

It’s crazy how I spend the majority of my life teetering between ice numb and strong as hell. Rarely is there a middle ground of sadness that I allow myself to feel. It is like this fortress is built around me with with guards. For a moment, I am safe because nothing can get to me. No one can leave me. Therefore, nothing could have happened. And then there is that memory that I let slip through. That one painful tear that drops. Causing all of the windows to blow out of my fortress. The bats fly in the windows. An earthquake crumbles everything to the ground. Darkness has found me, as it always does.

Tonight, I feel dark and distraught. I miss Will and Becky in a way that I can’t even explain. It is as if they did something for me just by existing. Even if they did not call, they could. Even if they did not understand, they tried. It blows the windows out of my soul when I look back and remember having to call Will to tell him Becky died. It was a horrible thing to have to do. He was so upset that he called me back after we had just talked. Fast forward a few years later and I find out on Facebook of all fucking places that something had happened too Will. There were messages on his page that did not sound right. People saying what a good person he was. I had to message someone just to figure out what was going on. He was one of those very tough biker guys that had this invincible energy. Someone that always was on the cusp of trouble but managed to escape it. He used to tell me that “I was all he had left.” When I found out he had died, I had no one to call that understood. We had always searched for each other during our lives. Amazingly, we found each other. And then everyone died.

I truly hope that they got the better end of the deal. They had both suffered for so long in different ways. Both deserved to be together, to feel love, and to get of this fucking earth that has gone to hell. Selfishly, I want them here. I’m angry they had to leave. I was not ready but the reality is, I never would be. There is never a right moment where I’m at peace with losing someone I love. There is this voice in my head that says “My time is not God’s time.” He has reasons for everything that happens. My mind cannot even begin to understand or absorb what those are. But I have faith that He knows exactly what is going on. I also know that there is a verse that says He draws near to the brokenhearted. Not only do I believe that but I have felt Him in so many instances in my life. There are never answers but there is comfort and hope. Whenever I grieve greatly I feel Him silently say that He has them. That they are ok. For that, I am so thankful.

My counselor has said that I should just take a day where I let myself cry. Let myself grieve for the little girl I was when I went through emotional trauma. For all the pain that I have numbed out. I’ve cried a lot tonight. The thing about trauma and depression is that it is a very heavy cross to bear. I have a wonderful husband but I often do not let him know the extent of my sadness. In my opinion, it is not fair to burden him with weight that is so heavy. There really is no one in this world that I would wish could feel what this is like. Sadly, I know there are many that know the exact feeling. If you are going through loss, grieving for someone you loved, or have had emotional trauma, please know that my heart absolutely goes out to you. It is a long, hot, and hard road to walk. There are no sandals & your feet always bleed. But you have to believe the road will end somewhere good. What is the point if there is no destiny. Therefore, I encourage you to rise. Keep walking. Try not to look back. When you do, you will find me. For that is where I am tonight.

I’m throwing in something completely random here but the other day I thought about the fact that God chose for the stars to be white. He could have made them blue, green, etc. But he chose white. My belief is that he chose a contrasting color to black because He knew we needed to see the stars. He knew we were going to be in great need of guidance and hope. Choosing white for us was a gift. He never intended for us to be lost. I find great comfort in that.

Is This Real Life?

I do not know what has happened to this world or the people in it. There seems to be less inspiration & air. For those that are empowered to live life, what are you empowered by? I want the energy to find that which makes life worth living. Traveling and being with people would really be such a drastic step forward for me. I’m lonely, weak, and very sad.

We have this crazy neighbor that lives in front of us. For some reason, for the past few days she has gone on a hiatus about our cat taking a shit in her garden. She has gone so far as to ring our door bell at 9:30 PM last night to alert us of the shit, leave TWO notes today about cleaning up cat poop, and has pushed us to get a no trespassing sign on our door. I have no idea what her deal is. When I first met her, I really wished I could have liked her. She liked plants and seemed to speak her mind. With that being said, I quickly realized she was into drama & bad mouthing someone that had been kind to me. She also really crossed a line when she took a sip out of my husband’s water bottle, mentioned to me that she hoped I did not think she was flirting with him, and refused to leave me alone when we were outside.

Just so I can look back one day and realize the extent of the insanity….here are the two pictures this girl left for us today.

I’m so done. I hate people here. Obviously, I do care if my cat is vandalizing someones property. However, he is using the bathroom in the dirt. There are also a lot of other cats in the neighborhood that live mostly outside. My husband has given her permission to squirt our cat with a squirt bottle if she sees him using the restroom in her plants. She refused to do this. I don’t even think she has proof that it is our cat (or just our cat). Anyway, my husband and I now have a gigantic “No Trespassing” sign on our front door. Hopefully, she gets the dam picture and stops coming to our house.

My anxiety is at such a level today. It’s like, I want to go and walk around my neighborhood. But I’m afraid to be around my neighbor. It makes me think of Mr. Rogers Song “It’s A Beautiful Day In The Neighborhood.” There is a part where he said “Will you be my neighbor?” Why, yes Mr. Rogers, I would be happy too. Please come take this neighbors crazy ass away and move on in with your fish. In all reality, I did love the show called Mr. Rogers growing up.

He always picked out a new sweater, fed the fish, and talked to puppets. Life was simple, predictable, and kind. What a world it would be. Maybe he stayed in his house all the time because his neighborhood was crazy as all hell too.

Ok, I am done ranting for right now. I just needed to get all of this off my chest. This is actually the second time. The first was when I wrote in my counseling journal about all of this. Clearly, I still had a lot more to say. I have orders that I need to package up but my head is hurting. I’m tempted to go hide underneath the blanket & never come out.

Tonight I Cried

I’ve realized that one of the hardest things for me to do is to write when I do not know how to explain what I am feeling. Last week I just started feeling incredibly depressed. Unfortunately, that feeling has continued on to this week. I feel anger and hatred towards those that have. For they will never know what it is like to have not. There is this darkness in me that craves the light of a friendship. I’ve unfortunately not connected with a single person since moving away from Charleston, SC. This was the worst fucking idea to move. It was a case of me not understanding what I had. It’s not always greener on the other side. Sometimes, the grass you seek is on fire.

Now, I stay home all the time. The only person I see is my husband. Don’t get me wrong, he is a very important person and I love him. But socially I just have no interaction other than going to the thrift store. Being a reseller is crazy competitive and yet, an extremely lonely career. It’s ironic how that is. You would think more people would want support & advice. It’s pretty much all about money and the stress of finding items that will make it. People care about status and that which is green. It’s all silliness & sadness to me. What happened to valuing others and accepting them? Why are we always trying to be better? What is better anyway… a new grill, party of specially selected people, having children that drive toy cars nicer than adults…. I do not understand this dream that the mass seeks. It looks silly. I want to laugh and them and put them in a reality show called Lower Class. Put them to work scrubbing toilets, make sure they get hungry with minimal food, bills flooding in that they can’t pay, working tooth and nail for every cent they have. There idea of what value is would change really quickly, believe me.

People make me sick. And the sicker I feel, the more alone I am. I don’t even feel like I’m on a deserted island. More like, living on one of those undiscovered planets in orbit. I think there was a movie called Mars where an astronaut was actually left behind on his mission there. He had to figure out complete survival. I wish that movie were real and that I could be friends with him. That is what I am looking for in a friendship. Salt of the earth, crazy hard working, and brutally honest. Have those people gone extinct?

Tonight I cried some. I just sat at my computer chair and started crying as I was taking off my makeup. People I love are not coming back. I can’t call people I need. Rarely, does anyone check on me. The reality of this is razor sharp and cuts into you with a vengeance to kill. As childish as I am sure it sounds, it’s not fair. Every once in a while, I allow myself to feel all that hurts. And when that happens, I cry for everything my soul longs for. Everyone that I will never again touch, hear their voice, or gather strength from. Even in weak moments though, I have faith. I believe in God and that one day, there will be immense healing. That those searching will finally find each other. I look forward to that day.

Money & Success

Tonight, I am feeling defeated & depleted. Maybe I am jumping to conclusions, but I feel like most people strive for something in life. I would be willing to bet that for most it would be “money” or “success.” Neither one of those topics interests me though. It occurred to me the other day that I actually feel the most content when I have the least amount of money to decide what to do with. Who thinks like that? Apparently, me. I seem to be drawn to what feels safe and familiar. Being inside, being without, being over caffeinated, and being sad is pretty much my cup of tea.

I talked to my husband tonight in the car about needing more structure. For instance, when he is ready to leave the store, saying “I’m ready to go.” Or if I want to buy something that we can’t afford, him saying “not today.” The lack of structure in my life feels like it is drowning me. I’m the main one to make decisions. In all reality, I do not want to decide the majority of the things I have too. Though I have a dominate personality, I prefer most days just decide how many Splenda’s I want in my coffee. Needing to organize bills, the house, activities, chores, emotional states, etc, is not my main mission in life.

Without sounding conceited, I do not struggle financially anymore. We do not live hand to mouth, as I used too. I’ve also always considered my husband to be a successful person. He works as a developer doing Lord only knows what on a computer. I’m very right brained. Give me art any day. Computers…hell no. I’m proud that I married an educated man that holds admirable job titles. With all that being said, money & success are just NOT the answers to everything. If they were, I would be incredibly content, secure, and at peace with life. There would be no need for medications, advice books, or counseling. But there is. This makes me greatly concerned that the majority of the world is working towards goals that are going to hold the satisfaction of cotton candy. It tastes good for a minute and then it dissolves like air. Leaving you wondering if you had anything in your dam mouth to begin with.

If money & success are not the secret ingredients to life, what are? What makes a person look back and go, “that was all worth it” ? I would say memories but I’m hoping that is not the answer. I’ve always struggled with memory and extremely basic directional tasks are hard for me. Striving for love is completely understandable. I love my husband greatly and even on our worst days, I do not regret being with him. However, marriage challenges you. Some days, it feels like a test of emotional patience. On others, a step forward appears to have been taken. What I am getting at is that love is a choice (a very important one at that) but not the answer to the purpose of one’s life.

I almost just died without finding out the purpose of life. I’m not kidding. My husband just snuck up behind me and shook my chair saying “Earthquake!” Had I been drinking something, I would have spit it all over the computer screen. I’m going to conspire with the cats tonight so that they piss on his body pillow. I can repay them with shrimp. My terror gave him a good laugh. He then came back to ask me to calibrate my fear between 1-10. I told him that was about a 9, which he seemed happy with. He drives me crazy with the things that he does. I’m pleading the 5th when it comes to whether that crazy is bad or good.

Ok, so, back to figuring out life. From everything I have witnessed and experienced, I do not feel that the purpose in life is ones status. Anyone remember the Titanic and how the upperclass women sunk with their fur coats and jewels? I’ve lived in uppity neighborhoods before that had no free spirit air in them. There was even a neighborhood with a gate and number once. I’m sure many of those residence enjoyed saying they lived in a “gated community.” Meanwhile, I felt like I was trapped at the dam Zoo. All those clothing brands that make people of status feel important can also be found at the local thrift store. The status thing is WAY over rated.

This is a topic that I am just going to continue to think on. It is interesting how so many people think they have found THE answer to life. I need to test out all these theories and report back on how the experience went. I’m sure there is a book out there on something like that too. If so, hopefully I come across it at a thrift store so that I can update yall. In all reality though, I think many have completely lost touch with themselves on their journey to “success.” This may be the answer to why I cannot find any friends. My inability to connect with people must be because we are in two different worlds. Though it’s incredibly lonely, I’m thankful to live a life that is outside a gate.