depression awareness

Trilogies Of A Turtle

This morning I was laying in bed, wishing I was a turtle. I want to draw my legs and arms into a small place. The darkness sounds inviting. I imagine the minimalistic life that turtle’s experience must be very calming. No matter where they go, they have everything they need. So in a sense, whenever they move, they are always moving their entire life to a different location. Can you imagine?

I’ve been reading “Cozy Minimalist Home” by Myquillyn Smith. This book can be found here. Everything about this book makes sense, as it explains everything I’m doing wrong. My world feels messy, chaotic, and overwhelming. Those are all pretty much the same adjective but you get my point. It’s early & I am drinking more creamer than coffee.

It’s very tempting to curl back up into a ball, get under the covers, and try to disappear from the world. My eyes are puffy and tired. I always make the bed though to help demolish the desire to revisit my previous horizontal position. Instead, I’m settling on chewing on my hair and feeling like a ball of anxiety. Yesterday, I gave my neighbors a lot of things I did not want in an effort to help with such anxiety. Just as the minimalist book says, I need to make my surroundings more quiet. The more items that are in a room, the louder it becomes. My surroundings are pretty much screaming at me. Along with my emotions & thoughts. So theres that.

The world is currently still social distancing. So in a way, we are all turtles inside our houses. I definitely crave protection and security which I often find myself becoming depleted of. I stay burned out from just trying to live. It’s ironic how security can actually become suffocating though if you spend too much time inside of it. Walls close in and defeat is your only friend. I guess this is God’s way of saying that we must get out and live, experience, and feel. Security is a survival mechanism that I know I overuse greatly in my life.

I Went Outside & Zen Garden

Today, I decided to be adventurous by going outside to film my Youtube Easter Zen Garden video. I only went about 15 feet from the front door but it is a start. It felt nice outside today and I needed the sun. I’m about as tan as a piece of printer paper. I brought my camera and DIY out with me to the lawn chair. I’m doing a series of videos called Operation Hope & Heal on Youtube that I will link here. A few days ago it occurred to me that it could be a good idea to get channel creators together to make videos for those staying home due to social distancing. It’s easier said than done to rally for a cause in a way that will make noise. Thankfully, I did have a few channel creators get together and upload videos tonight. My next idea for a relaxing video for those at home is an Easter Zen Garden.

Few DIY’s are easier than making a Zen Garden. What I like about them is that you can do all different themes. Be it a beach theme or an Easter one. It is also extremely affordable to make a Zen Garden. You can find sand, rocks, fairy decorations, and other items to add to your garden at the Dollar Tree. I found my vintage bunny rabbits & swings at the thrift store. Thrift stores are great places to source items for crafts. I’m currently sourcing from my house though, considering that everything is closed from COVID-19.

I’m listening to NBC News on Youtube and I swear I almost burst a blood vessel from their mask discussion. The President is now stating that cloth masks are advised and pushing people to leave the medical masks to the professionals. While I agree with this concept, there are a lot of Americans that also need medical masks. Those with very low immune systems, like myself, need access. Also, cloth masks I believe give 3% protection (from what I’ve heard…who knows). Though that is better than nothing, it is not much. If the president is going to advise these types of masks, he needs to explain the actual protection that these masks give. I’ve considered ordering one but I do not think they are strong enough for me. Vent Over.

The Sacred Space that I made yesterday is clearly where I need to go…

My goal is to have my Easter Zen Garden video uploaded on Youtube this week. When it is uploaded, I will link it here. Jeremy and I like how it turned out. I have put it up on the coffee bar as my first Easter decoration. I’m also needing to film an Easter coffee bar decor video. I enjoy decorating the coffee bar, as I think it helps with moral. If I feel strong enough, that will get done tomorrow. My camera battery started to die on me when I was outside so I need to charge that up.

I’m going to try to make it a thing to go out and lie in the lawn chair more. I listened to the birds today, which I never do. It was interesting how different each bird sounded. I wondered if they understood each other. One sounded like me when I fuss at Jeremy. It was loud and screechy so I’m sure he would agree with my comparison. I also took time to notice and film the flowers to add to my Youtube video.

I don’t know why it is SO hard to go outside with Depression. The desire to stay in and move very little is extremely overwhelming. Everything I do feels forced and exhausting. This is why everyone that has mental illness must truly fight to survive. It’s hard. If you need validation, you have mine on that topic. The struggle is real. But I will say that when I got myself outside, it felt like a relief. It was relaxing and got me away from social media. I’m realizing more and more how destructive the media & popular apps are to our minds. While they can be a needed escape, they can also be a reason to stop functioning. It’s important that I continue moving, communicating, and expressing myself through art. Push for what is important to you. Even if it is a fight.

Suffering From Depression

The thing about depression is that some days I feel nothing. On those days, I’m confused and feel guilty for the lack of emotion towards that which is dear to me. The other days are like tonight (to be exact 11 PM), where everything hurts. Especially my heart. During nights like this I just lay in the dark and cry. I miss people I can’t bring back. It’s not just that I miss them but I need them. Grief is overwhelming in that it kills you from the inside out. When people actually notice I’m in pain, it is because I’m overflowing with it. The pressure is so great that my eyes leak out the loss.

Emotionally, I am so very lonely. My husband is a dear friend and I do not know how I would have ever made it this far without him. Something I have learned in life though is that people can’t be everything for me. Or better yet, I should not ask them to be. They can’t carry the weight of my grief. No one can fulfill or understand every need. Hell, I don’t even understand what I need. Some wounds were made before I can even remember. Over time, these injuries have turned into scars that still hurt from time to time. I’m human. I ask why and cry because it feels unfair. God knows whats in my heart. Despite everything I’ve been through, I know He has always been by my side.

I miss seeing the sun. Where we live it rains all the time. Rain feels gloomy and sad. Instead of being relaxing it has become an expected event. I took the sun for granted before we moved. There needs to be color & light. My soul needs that. Yesterday, I wanted to learn to sew. Today, I wanted to learn to make stained glass. Basically, I need f*cking creative relief.

I’m also burned out from trying to be good enough at anything. A person that is “successful” or better yet, at least feels that way. It’s a very hard journey. Just trying to find myself is one of the most challenging things I’ve ever done. Some days, I’m organized and able to see a clear path. Others, everything is a disaster and I’m no longer interested in what I was the day before. I’m not sure what causes me to want to cook, create, read, and then hate the idea of doing those things again. Is it an anxiety thing? I can’t even stick to one form of art without getting frustrated and moving onto the next idea. Pinterest is a relief because it allows me to pin hundreds of ideas that, at some point, I may like again.

Things that are making me sad right now are that:

It is 11:12. I forgot to make a wish at 11:11

My health is pretty much fucked

My grandmother is gone

My biological dad. Just everything.

Lack of friendship

Loneliness

Feeling overwhelmed

I like lists. What can I say. At least the word “like” is somewhere in this post.

Is it better to feel everything or to feel nothing? I wish I could find some form of middle ground where I could just deal with things. Maybe the longer I am in therapy, I will learn how to do this. I’ve noticed that I’ve started picking at my lip. Also, for a while now, my nail polish has become extremely chipped before I will take it off. My car gets cleaned less and often has things thrown around in it. In these small things, I can see the progression of depression and the effects it has on me. It’s scary and I’m tired. So tired.

My Pets Are Not Social Distancing

Apparently, Bella is getting tired of the social distancing. She has resorted to trying to eat my bouquet of dried flowers. Bella is our cat, in case you were wondering. She also liked to eat grocery bags if given the opportunity. Need anything recycled? Just bring it on over to our cat. In all reality, we do not promote her doing any of this. She is normally caught red handed in the act. This morning I rocked my chihuahua and cat at the same time. I don’t know what it is about this red soft blanket but when I put it on me, the pets appear on top of it.

I’m now taking Mucinex & Mucinex DM which is treating my symptoms better. I’ve felt quite drugged and tired today. Daisy, my chihuahua, took a long nap with me. She is currently snoring in my lap. The older she gets, the louder she snores. I’ve downloaded the Candy Crush app to my phone. I don’t think I gain any brain cells from this game but it does keep me still. Every time I start to feel better I move around too much and end up feeling worse. It is worth mentioning that I have not listened to ANY updates on the Corona Virus today. It’s amazing how hard it is to distance yourself from social media. But it’s healing. I feel better having not a dam clue as to what is going on right now in the world.

My diet today has consisted of macaroni & cheese, Welches fruit snacks, and peanut butter crackers. And coffee. This is about all I want when I am sick. People have told me to try taking dairy out of my diet. Being Vegetarian, this is a very depressing thought. Other than vegetables, I’m unsure what would be left. That idea alone makes me want to binge on carrot cake. Hey, it has carrots right?

We are supposed to move in a month, have a stack of bills we need to pay, and pick up my car in GA. My husband had to leave it at my granddads when he went down to help move him. I’ve been too sick to retrieve it yet. I’m trying to focus on more positive things so that my mind does not fall deeper into darkness. Here are a few things….

I ordered a Zen garden from Mercari that came yesterday (I need to open it)

I’m talking to someone on Etsy about making me a banner for this blog

I rocked my chihuahua and cat today, at the same time that is.

I ordered a DIY stained glass window book from Amazon today

My counselor is calling on Friday

She made it

Tomorrow, I need to work on my Project Hope & Heal that I am doing for my Youtube channel Farm N Sunflowers. I think a few people are going to do it with me. It is a good thing to try and make a difference to others, no matter how small. I sent someone a pack of my polymailers to help her with mailing out masks to those in the medical field. She is literally hand sewing tons of them with five kids. I have crazy respect for that. Sewing needs to be added to my goal list, when all of this distancing is over.

Speaking of social distancing, I read a good article today on Pinterest called 105 Things To Do At Home During Quarantine. It is definitely worth a read. I would advice that you skip over the one that mentions getting a credit card. I absolutely do not promote credit cards, as it took me years to get out of debt. Remember the free shipping on Amazon Prime right now. You can order a really affordable book and actually get to read it (hopefully). For those of yall that are still working, I’m sure the last thing you want to do is read. Here is a guided journal that looked really good on Amazon called Zen As F*ck At Work . If I were a nurse, I would just order several to leave in the break room!

Off to go watch some Cops with my husband who has been listening to meetings all day. I think he is about to lose his dam mind being inside. We are going to have to remind ourselves that we are the lucky ones. It could be so much worse right now. I hope everyone gets well. Even more so though, I hope we appreciate more when all of this is over. Each other. Our own lives. Our World.

2 AM Thoughts & Rocking The Cat

I am sitting here thinking about how sick the world has become. Both physically & emotionally. Though I want to stay updated, the news is terrifying to watch. There is a cruise ship out there that cannot dock due to people having the COVID-19 virus on it. I read about a police officer going to the grocery store to buy food for an elderly woman who had none. People are trying to stock up on back ordered seeds, in hopes they can grow food to eat. I bet the majority of those people never thought about gardening in their life. Many, in their own way, are trying to save themselves.

Meanwhile, the rest of the population is finding it sensible to stand in long lines to get into stores. Jeremy and I tried to go to Home Depot the other day just to look at the flowers. We quickly realized the crowd of people out front was the actual line for the store. I told Jeremy no way so we turned around and went back home. I see very few people wearing protective gear. I found this to be absolutely crazy. I can be fast to judge at times. I was reminded by someone on Instagram that they actually could not find the protective gear. Sometimes I think judging helps me stay in control of my world. If I assume I understand people, then I know who the players are. I find safety in a false sense of security you could say.

My cat, Snuggs, is currently in my lap as I write this. I put him down for a minute but when he saw I had broken out the soft blanket, all bets were off. He is now horizontal on the blanket with no plans to move. Snuggs is quite comforting & warm I must say. He is one of those cats that knows what is going on. If he doesn’t, he makes it his mission to find out. As I rock my overly nosy cat, I will continue on…

It just seems like (me included) no one has any idea what to do right now. All advice is very contradictory. America has been hearing from the news that we should not hoard food. Now they are saying to stay in your homes. Home food delivery services are going on strike due to lack of protective gear & pay during this time. I would put money on it that sooner or later Walmart’s and grocery stores will also experience this problem. Seeds can only grow so fast. How is it again that we are supposed to eat?

The one piece of advice that seems to be spreading like wildfire is to wash your hands. However, if there is no soap or hand sanitizer, how does this get done? I had these grand plans of sanitizing the house daily. Now, instead, I am rationing my Clorox wipes to about 1 a day. Oh and you know those DIY’s on Pinterest for hand sanitizer? I read on the CDC website that it is not recommended to make your own hand sanitizer because there needs to be a proper amount of alcohol in it to be effective. Fuck.

I’m seeing people sewing masks for hospital workers due to the shortage. I know COVID-19 can be spread by just droplets of spit from a cough being inhaled by a person. Masks make sense right? Also found on the CDC website is the advice to not wear masks unless you have this virus. In order to find out if you have this virus, one must potentially expose themselves to it by going to the ER or Doctor to get the test. How exactly do we correctly save ourselves again?

Having to stay inside is really the least of my own personal worries. I’ve been struggling to get over the flu for what I believe is over 4 weeks now. Yesterday, my fever was 99.4. Today, it was 99.8. I’m taking vitamins, ordered more vitamins, drinking water, and trying extremely hard to not contact this virus. It is like I am in a horror movie and the monster is coming for me. I need my immune system to kick in NOW. ASAP. PRONTO. I’m afraid to go outside, talk to the neighbor, or even open the windows for too long. There are all of these un disinfected surfaces in our home that are driving me crazy. Trying to conserve cleaning products though while not physically over doing it.

My other two cats now are having issues in the house. While Snuggs looks on from his blanket, Bella is hissing her throat out at our other cat Grizzly. They are having territorial issues at almost 3 AM. I’m stressed about surviving, meanwhile they are trying to decide what portion of the house they can claim. Fun Times. I guess we can all agree that we are feeling upset. Other than Snuggs.

I’m going to end here even though I have no idea what to do other than sit and rock Snuggs. I feel like crap. I wish I could take care of others. I want to sleep. I need more water. I’m wondering if I will ever stop coughing. I have no idea why Grizzly is running through the house screeching. I’m over this. So over it. Update: Going to bed NOW. Two stink bugs decided to join me on my overhead kitchen light. One keeps buzzing around my head as if he has now claimed the computer as his territory. He can have it. Fuck.

I Listened To An ASMR Bedtime Story

Last night, like many nights, I could not sleep even with my sleeping pill. I decided to turn to one of the very few calming things in my life. ASMR. Ever since I was young I have loved certain sound. One of my first experiences with ASMR was when I was in first grade and we took turns reading books to each other in the teacher’s rocking chair. You would think I would have enjoyed all of the readers. But there was only one main voice that l absolutely loved. This voice was of a girl that was actually very mean to me. But dam, she could relax me during story time.

It was not until I was an adult, lets just say way the hell older than 1st grade, that I stumbled upon ASMR. I realized it is actually a thing to listen to people whisper, chew gum, turn book pages, etc. Thanks to Youtube, I can listen to endless hours of these sounds. My choice for last night was, A Close Up Bedtime Reading Story Of Corduroy on Soft ASMR’s Channel. I enjoyed listening to it, as I think I loved it when I was a child. My memory is so bad from back then. My mind blocks out everything, I believe, to protect all that I do not want to remember.

If you struggle with sleeping, try ASMR Youtube videos. My favorite ASMR Artist is GraceV. Her channel can be found here. I could literally listen to her for hours and have before. You have to find your style though. What calms one person does not calm another. I love inaudible whispering which is whispering you cannot understand. It sounds weird but just try it!

Heading out. I need to make coffee. I have a therapy phone call this morning. I need that too.

COFFEE + THERAPY = GOALS

Quarantine & Theraflu

I’ve realized 2 things recently. 1. I need to go into COMPLETE quarantine. 2. I was probably having a psychotic episode when I decided it was a good idea to go to Walmart for supplies. Don’t get me wrong, we are incredibly stocked up on food. The cost of doing that though is that I’m sicker. I’ve been in “recovery” from the flu for the past month. Tonight, my fever was 99.6 which is not productive. Since then, I’ve taken Ibuprofen, Airborne Immune Booster, and have had some cough drops. Heres hoping things start reversing.

For the last two years, I have kept my Poshmark closet open. However, I realized tonight that I wanted to try closing everything. Sometimes, we experience more stress from things than we realize. My hope is that knowing I do not have to check social media, share items, or package anything will bring down my anxiety. Which I am sure would help with my sickness. My Mercari & Ebay shops have been temporarily closed as well for the same reason. Miraculously, up until this point, I have been able to get all of my orders out. It is easier said than done when you feel like you are dying from an illness.

There are a lot of things that I have to figure out. Maybe, during this time of complete seclusion, I can brainstorm some ideas about my Youtube channel, reselling, etc. Currently, I’m not sure the direction my Youtube channel is going in. I’m going to discuss this in a different blog post though because there are a lot of factors to my confusion. Reselling is also the same way. Out of everything I have ever tried, selling my own items has kept my interest the longest. I like being in control of my business, giving customer service, and finding things that others might enjoy. With that being said, selling has consumed a great part of my life. It would not be so bad if I did not have to “share” my items on Poshmark, photograph everything, list things, and package by myself. Basically, I am feeling burned out. My outlets that used to bring me peace are currently doing the opposite. So clearly, I have to figure things out.

I’ve been loving Pinterest lately. If you need to find things that are pleasing to your soul, the Pinterest app is definitely worth downloading. I would think that the average person thinks of DIY’s & recipes being on Pinterest. However, I have discovered lately that there are also a lot of self care & depression awareness type blogs on there. Tonight I read 7 Ways To Stay Grounded & Calm Amidst Social Unrest . This blog post is definitely worth a read if you are feeling major anxiety from the Corona Virus (or life in general). For some reason, lists are easier for me to read & relate to my life. My favorite tip on this list was #3. Don’t Engage In The Fear. My issue is that I am way too involved in social media. Like most people today, I don’t realize the affect it has on my emotions. When there is panic in the air, I automatically smell it. Right now, the world is full of fear, questions, and complaints. Just as Americans have been advised to practice social distancing for germs, I need to practice it for social media. I’m sure reading about Corona Virus deaths and stores selling out of supplies is making me sicker. Stress does that to me. If I am up to it tomorrow, I’m going to partake in a Pinterest DIY idea that will (hopefully) bring more calm into my life.

I’m going to end here so that I can start the brainstorming of ideas and thoughts. Hoping everyone can find the supplies they need & stay healthy during this time. Remember, others are in need too. Please do not hoard or sell your toilet paper rolls.

Hoarding & Crazy Box Order

First off, I need to vent about the Corona Virus. It has become a media sensation that has triggered massive shopping sprees to Costco. The hot item seems to be…..are you ready?…. Toilet Paper. Apparently, all stores are selling out of toilet paper, water, and hand sanitizer. Lines are wrapping around buildings and customers are hoarding the crap out of products. I heard on one YouTube video that 10 face masks were going for over $200. It was being discussed how price gouging is illegal. But in all reality, lets’s be honest, we know tons of people are probably doing it. You never knew your toilet paper was going to become so valuable did you? If you have stock in any hand sanitizer or toiletry company, your night is probably going amazingly well. In the meantime, the rest of us are sitting here wondering WTF has gotten into people.

Here is what I know (Or Hope I Know). If I stay in the house, this virus will not come for me. If I can’t find a bottle of hand sanitizer, there is still a chance I will survive. That is because I have soap that does the same thing. So do you. Rest easy. Basically, I am in quarantine until the crazy toilet paper fighting videos stop. But seriously, please consider when you shop that others need things. Schools need hand sanitizer. Those sick now need access to over the counter medications. I personally almost went into a panic attack when I thought I was down to my last cough drop. In my mind I panicked about there being a cough drop shortage. Thankfully, before I had a heart attack, I found a few extra bags in the house. The scare of this virus is real but so is the scare for supplies. The Corona Virus did not cause that. Humans did.

I love how I am not going to go from advising people to not hoard, to being a crazy box hoarder. This has just been one of those days. I noticed someone pass by in front of the window and I peaked to see what car was out front. Turns out, it was the mail truck. The mail had come earlier so I was confused at why they came back. When I opened the door, I was met with an actual wall of boxes. Feeling in shock & seeing that the mail truck was still there, I quickly shut the door. Probably 15-20 mins later, the truck finally pulled away. To my dismay, there were now two stacks of boxes. This was a definite “FML What Did I Do?” Moment. Clearly, I have enough shipping supplies to last me the next five years….

If my husband reads this blog, he is going to love this. When I went to turn on the shower today, thinking I was about to do something relaxing, I was met with an incredibly cold surprise. Somehow the shower head had gotten turned so it was pointing directly at my face. I had enough time to turn on the water & stand up before I realized this. Not enough time, however, to prevent myself from getting hit in the face with freezing water. My shirt was literally soaked by the time I managed to get the dam thing turned off. I do not know how this event & the massive Priority box delivery happen in the same day. These are both two very ridiculous things. My life being non fiction, I can assure you, they did.

I’m about to get in bed & watch true crime (or crazy Carona Virus shopping) videos until I fall asleep. If that is even possible. The majority of today has been met with the background music of my dogs woofing. Their bark sounds the same every time so I don’t know if they are cussing everyone out or what. Most likely, they are demanding a steak on a tray with a side of ham. Anyway, I am completely burned out from the loud noises. They always get louder when my husband is on a trip. Joy. I’m going to bed earlier and so are they (hopefully). Wish me luck!

Being A Wife With Depression

I can sum it up in three words. Ready? It’s Fucking Hard.

My mental illness makes a lot of basic things hard for me. Tasks such as taking a shower, cleaning, running errands, etc, fill me with exhaustion & anxiety. On most days, I make myself do them. When I got married, more items got added to this list of essential daily chores. It feels defeating. If you could see the sink full of dishes or the wet laundry that has not yet been switched over, you would grasp my feeling of defeat. Working outside the home is also not something, at this point, I feel I can do. On top of constantly getting physically sick, I literally send my depression into a black hole. My husband also never sees me because once managers get their claws into me, I fall victim to working on a schedule that includes weekends. None of this is conducive to marriage or depression.

Before I get further down this rant, I want to state that my husband is a very good man. I believe with all my heart that God led him to me in a time of extreme darkness. He provides, loves, and gives me great comic relief daily. This blog today is not to break him down or complain about the person whom I chose to spend my life with. My husband has provided me with a life that I never expected the chance to have. On my worst days, I’m grateful to him. With that being said, I think the topic of marriage and depression is important. Both topics are aspects of my life that play a big role in who I am & what I struggle with.

It’s important to note that everyone’s marriage is different. This is something my counselor told me. Therefore, everyone’s struggle is different. There is not one structured format one must follow to be ensure a happily ever after marriage. If this book went out of print, please let me know and I will barter some clothes for it. What is acceptable in some people’s marriages today would not be in mine. And vise versa. Please remember that I am writing about my personal struggles with mental illness and marriage. If these things do not bother you, that is ok. I’m sure though, on some level, you may be able to relate.

I struggle greatly with organization. Don’t get me wrong, I love cleanliness and order. But to achieve those things takes great effort. Which on most days, I do not feel like I have. I’ve found that lists of things get me moving in the right direction. When it comes to my marriage, there are definitely times when lists are needed. One being grocery lists. The act of going grocery shopping does not bother me too much. However, the lack of control as to what I put in the buggy does. Seeing the bill after shopping can literally send me into shock. Implementing a list & sticking to it prevents me from paying for chaos. Another list that comes into play is on my “command station.” (Aka White Board From Hobby Lobby). On this board I make a list of all the bills that we need to pay each month. I check things off as I go down the list. When I get sick, super depressed, or just exhausted this list gets shot to hell. I keep working at it though.

Cleanliness deserves its own paragraph. Do you ever wish you could rent one of those huge dumpsters you see at construction sites to just empty your house into? The older I get, the more I realize the amount of anxiety that items cause me. My husband has a different outlook to cleanliness. He is satisfied with sock balls being on the couch, beer cans being left out, and the bathroom being cleaned once a year. He once told me that he wants a house to feel “lived in.” I understand and sympathize with this. However, through my eyes, his “lived in” style looks as if a tornado hit & then a tree fell on the house. This causes my anxiety to sky rocket & puts me into an all out cleaning binge, causing our Cocker Spaniel’s blood pressure to sky rocket. It’s been very challenging to find a middle ground where him and I can both survive. Notice I did not say that we are satisfied or happy. I’ve implemented laundry baskets in the bedroom. One for clean clothes and one for dirty. Despite my disdain for dirty clothes in the bedroom, I must admit this has helped with the sock balls (and other random clothing items). I’ve also tried to work on nagging him and using the word “now.” Instead of “I need you to clean this now” I make an effort to say “Before you go to bed can you do this?” It gives him responsibility and time to finish his viking war shows. Yall, it is a work in progress. That is all I can say.

Another thing about marriage & mental illness that is challenging is feeling appreciated. I stay in a constant state of mind that I am not good enough. I get frustrated easily when I do not understand how to do things or find places. Basically, any excuse I have to hate myself, I go with. It is what feels comfortable because it is what I have always done. I self sabatoge myself by drowning in these thoughts. This type of thinking is not caused by my husband. He has always told me that he loves me as I am. As time goes on though, I think he is realizing that flowers, cards, and verbal motivation help me a great deal. Men, if your wife/girlfriend/partner is struggling with self care, know that you can do something to help. Scheduling for them to get their hair done, making a tattoo appointment, buying tickets for a movie night, giving her a gift card to Starbucks, going to the gym with them…..these things help. Anything that promotes self care and self confidence is of great importance in a marriage to a person with mental illness. (or any marriage in general for that matter)

I’m going to end here because I need to take a shower & make a list of what we need to get at Costco today. Hopefully, somewhere in there I will find the strength to start packing us up for our trip next weekend. Also, my husband and I have planned to work on my blog at some point. He is currently still asleep. My chihuahua is refusing to eat her breakfast. The office is a disaster. Wish me luck. If you can identify with the crazy struggle of mental illness & marriage, feel free to comment or like this blog post. It lets me know that I am not alone. And that is a wonderful feeling.

I Don’t Know Who I am

Tonight, I binged on gummy bears because I don’t know who I am. I’m willing to bet that is one of the strangest acknowledgements you have ever heard. I’m building this blog (with my husband’s major assistance) and it is my job to make sure it represents me. There is always this tug between who people want me to be and whom in fact I am. I’ve always been that creature that refuses to conform. That does not sound good though when you are brainstorming your blog categories. This I know…

I’m like a chameleon in that I change my identity an alarming amount. Minus my husband & pets, I never want anything for that long. Be it careers, hobbies, crafts, goals, education, etc, I lose interest. One day I will want to be a jewelry maker. The next I’m considering my career in a thrift store. The following day I’m too exhausted to even put on jewelry to go to a thrift store. The colors I find appealing also change on a regular basis. Bright colors can bring peace or major anxiety with me, just depending on the day.

I’m like a sloth in that my movements are quite slow. Whether it is following a schedule, completing a project, or getting dressed in the morning…. I go at the pace of ice bergs. Sloths hang upside down, which is way too much effort for me. But I can tell you that I see the world upside down. I have always had a viewpoint that few could see. I’m often not even sure what it is in fact that I am seeing. Certain things in art and others call to my soul. This is always what I answer too.

So here I am, trying to figure out categories for this blog. I’m sure you can see the dilemma. How do I fit myself into a box when tomorrow I will want to be in a circle and the next a triangle? The best idea I have is to stick to the few things that are consistent with me.

Organization (I must have this in order to function)

Religion (Christianity has kept me strong through so much darkness)

Depression Awareness (Letting Others Know They Are Not Alone)

DIYs (Using My Hands To Create Visually Appealing Things)

Reselling (Selling Is Always Something I’ve Enjoyed)

Pets (without them, I would have no friends. My husband is a friend but you know what I mean…)

Books (I have a great need to be near them, hold them, and buy them from thrift stores….Notice I did not say read)

Pinterest (Because It Gives Me The Inspirational Energy To Create)

Marriage (My husband makes me a better person, supports, and loves me. That is priceless)

Minimalism (Lots of items do not make me feel at peace)

Ok so maybe that was more than a few things! I just write what is in my heart and sometimes, it surprises me. I believe it is possible to find yourself through writing, reading, creating, and loving. I’m hoping to recover myself from this blog. If you have lost yourself, know that you are not alone. Start writing out a list like I did above and erase anything that does not feel right. There are words that describe you because there is only one you. When does loss of ourselves occur? It’s hard to say. Maybe, when we are young and hurting, we lose ourselves to escape the situation. Adults may lose themselves through the act of drowning. Drowning in debt, loss, heartbreak, anger, etc. It is so important to not give up on ourselves though. Our spirits stay beautiful, even if broken. I wish you luck on finding yours again. Thank you for reading my blog and being part of my journey to find me.