depression symptoms

Isolated Before Isolation

In a way, I have always been incredibly isolated. I had two main friends when I was little. I had two (different) main friends in high school. Today, I don’t feel that I have any. No one that I can rely on, laugh with, or relate too. On one hand, I wish I had a friend. While on the other, I’ve come to find comfort in being alone. Silence can be healing but also hell.

My husband is very friendly and likable. I’m thankful for that because he enjoys people’s company. Right now he is outside, next to a BBQ, having a beer with the neighbor. I’m sure he feels content and full right now. That is how I would want it to be. I say that though with knowing that it will never be that way for myself. I’m not comfortable with strangers, social events, or anything that has loud noises. If I don’t know you, I probably don’t eat in front of you. These are just facts that equal why I don’t have friends.

I’ve heard that those with Depression tend to isolate to an extreme extent. Meaning, we pretty much hibernate the entire year inside our house. It is a mystery how anyone with this condition can actually make friends. Or even see people for that matter. I peaked outside the blinds a few times earlier. That was enough socialization for me. It would be nice if there was some kind of like Depression Convention. However, no one would go.

I’m going to try and brainstorm ideas on how to meet people. Even if it is just virtually. Maybe there is some kind of Depression support group or forum in the area. You may be wondering why I would want to surround myself with sad people. It’s because birds of a feather, flock together. We understand each other. And the reality is, those without mental illness, have never stayed with me.

Fridge Broke & Coffee Sucks

I’m about to come unglued this morning. Though I did sleep in, I planned to make breakfast when I got up. After I poured a good amount of cheese into the egg mixture, I realized something was off. The cheese just smelled too strong. As with anything I do not like, I let my husband take care of it. He did a sniff & taste test to which he decided, we better not use it. (This is coming from the man that does not want to get rid of anything.) Fuck.

I’m standing there staring down at the bowl of eggs with cheese on top that I just prepared. My husband tried to convince me it could still be eaten. That we just needed to take the pyramid of sour cheese off. For some reason, I did not share in his desire to rescue this awful breakfast. Frustrated, I dumped out that bowl and decided to restart (even now there were only 3 eggs to split between the both of us).

Our fridge has been struggling with temperature recently. However, it did not click in my mind until I started working on the second breakfast that everything had dethawed. When I took the milk out, I thankfully decided to check that too so that I did not kill us with breakfast. Once again, smelled off. Husband sniffed the milk and diagnosed it as being sour. This is when it hit me that our fridge must have literally stopped working. What is worse than a pandemic? Answer: A pandemic with no fridge.

It occurs to me that the dairy things in our fridge are going to be sour. I went on a frustrated throwing away binge of dairy products. The most saddening to let go of was my coffee creamer. While my husband is on the phone texting our landlord about the fridge, I am in the kitchen trying to make coffee with almond milk. Bless all of yall healthy people that do this on a daily basis. My Simply Southern tervis filled with coffee (and almond milk) has been sitting here staring at me for quite a while. I can’t bring myself to drink it. Even if it is in a cute cup. FML.

Thankfully, I remembered that we had waffles in the freezer. All was not lost for breakfast. I made blueberry waffles which my husband seemed to like. They would have been better with eggs but not sour eggs. -_- This all feels ultra frustrating because we are in the middle of a pandemic and dairy products are limited. Usually, you can buy one of each at the store. We are not in need of cheese, creamer, milk, and yogurt. All of which I just got done buying the other day while dressed in my medical mask at Walmart.

And it is not even 12 PM yet…..

I Listened To An ASMR Bedtime Story

Last night, like many nights, I could not sleep even with my sleeping pill. I decided to turn to one of the very few calming things in my life. ASMR. Ever since I was young I have loved certain sound. One of my first experiences with ASMR was when I was in first grade and we took turns reading books to each other in the teacher’s rocking chair. You would think I would have enjoyed all of the readers. But there was only one main voice that l absolutely loved. This voice was of a girl that was actually very mean to me. But dam, she could relax me during story time.

It was not until I was an adult, lets just say way the hell older than 1st grade, that I stumbled upon ASMR. I realized it is actually a thing to listen to people whisper, chew gum, turn book pages, etc. Thanks to Youtube, I can listen to endless hours of these sounds. My choice for last night was, A Close Up Bedtime Reading Story Of Corduroy on Soft ASMR’s Channel. I enjoyed listening to it, as I think I loved it when I was a child. My memory is so bad from back then. My mind blocks out everything, I believe, to protect all that I do not want to remember.

If you struggle with sleeping, try ASMR Youtube videos. My favorite ASMR Artist is GraceV. Her channel can be found here. I could literally listen to her for hours and have before. You have to find your style though. What calms one person does not calm another. I love inaudible whispering which is whispering you cannot understand. It sounds weird but just try it!

Heading out. I need to make coffee. I have a therapy phone call this morning. I need that too.

COFFEE + THERAPY = GOALS

Hoarding & Crazy Box Order

First off, I need to vent about the Corona Virus. It has become a media sensation that has triggered massive shopping sprees to Costco. The hot item seems to be…..are you ready?…. Toilet Paper. Apparently, all stores are selling out of toilet paper, water, and hand sanitizer. Lines are wrapping around buildings and customers are hoarding the crap out of products. I heard on one YouTube video that 10 face masks were going for over $200. It was being discussed how price gouging is illegal. But in all reality, lets’s be honest, we know tons of people are probably doing it. You never knew your toilet paper was going to become so valuable did you? If you have stock in any hand sanitizer or toiletry company, your night is probably going amazingly well. In the meantime, the rest of us are sitting here wondering WTF has gotten into people.

Here is what I know (Or Hope I Know). If I stay in the house, this virus will not come for me. If I can’t find a bottle of hand sanitizer, there is still a chance I will survive. That is because I have soap that does the same thing. So do you. Rest easy. Basically, I am in quarantine until the crazy toilet paper fighting videos stop. But seriously, please consider when you shop that others need things. Schools need hand sanitizer. Those sick now need access to over the counter medications. I personally almost went into a panic attack when I thought I was down to my last cough drop. In my mind I panicked about there being a cough drop shortage. Thankfully, before I had a heart attack, I found a few extra bags in the house. The scare of this virus is real but so is the scare for supplies. The Corona Virus did not cause that. Humans did.

I love how I am not going to go from advising people to not hoard, to being a crazy box hoarder. This has just been one of those days. I noticed someone pass by in front of the window and I peaked to see what car was out front. Turns out, it was the mail truck. The mail had come earlier so I was confused at why they came back. When I opened the door, I was met with an actual wall of boxes. Feeling in shock & seeing that the mail truck was still there, I quickly shut the door. Probably 15-20 mins later, the truck finally pulled away. To my dismay, there were now two stacks of boxes. This was a definite “FML What Did I Do?” Moment. Clearly, I have enough shipping supplies to last me the next five years….

If my husband reads this blog, he is going to love this. When I went to turn on the shower today, thinking I was about to do something relaxing, I was met with an incredibly cold surprise. Somehow the shower head had gotten turned so it was pointing directly at my face. I had enough time to turn on the water & stand up before I realized this. Not enough time, however, to prevent myself from getting hit in the face with freezing water. My shirt was literally soaked by the time I managed to get the dam thing turned off. I do not know how this event & the massive Priority box delivery happen in the same day. These are both two very ridiculous things. My life being non fiction, I can assure you, they did.

I’m about to get in bed & watch true crime (or crazy Carona Virus shopping) videos until I fall asleep. If that is even possible. The majority of today has been met with the background music of my dogs woofing. Their bark sounds the same every time so I don’t know if they are cussing everyone out or what. Most likely, they are demanding a steak on a tray with a side of ham. Anyway, I am completely burned out from the loud noises. They always get louder when my husband is on a trip. Joy. I’m going to bed earlier and so are they (hopefully). Wish me luck!

Being A Wife With Depression

I can sum it up in three words. Ready? It’s Fucking Hard.

My mental illness makes a lot of basic things hard for me. Tasks such as taking a shower, cleaning, running errands, etc, fill me with exhaustion & anxiety. On most days, I make myself do them. When I got married, more items got added to this list of essential daily chores. It feels defeating. If you could see the sink full of dishes or the wet laundry that has not yet been switched over, you would grasp my feeling of defeat. Working outside the home is also not something, at this point, I feel I can do. On top of constantly getting physically sick, I literally send my depression into a black hole. My husband also never sees me because once managers get their claws into me, I fall victim to working on a schedule that includes weekends. None of this is conducive to marriage or depression.

Before I get further down this rant, I want to state that my husband is a very good man. I believe with all my heart that God led him to me in a time of extreme darkness. He provides, loves, and gives me great comic relief daily. This blog today is not to break him down or complain about the person whom I chose to spend my life with. My husband has provided me with a life that I never expected the chance to have. On my worst days, I’m grateful to him. With that being said, I think the topic of marriage and depression is important. Both topics are aspects of my life that play a big role in who I am & what I struggle with.

It’s important to note that everyone’s marriage is different. This is something my counselor told me. Therefore, everyone’s struggle is different. There is not one structured format one must follow to be ensure a happily ever after marriage. If this book went out of print, please let me know and I will barter some clothes for it. What is acceptable in some people’s marriages today would not be in mine. And vise versa. Please remember that I am writing about my personal struggles with mental illness and marriage. If these things do not bother you, that is ok. I’m sure though, on some level, you may be able to relate.

I struggle greatly with organization. Don’t get me wrong, I love cleanliness and order. But to achieve those things takes great effort. Which on most days, I do not feel like I have. I’ve found that lists of things get me moving in the right direction. When it comes to my marriage, there are definitely times when lists are needed. One being grocery lists. The act of going grocery shopping does not bother me too much. However, the lack of control as to what I put in the buggy does. Seeing the bill after shopping can literally send me into shock. Implementing a list & sticking to it prevents me from paying for chaos. Another list that comes into play is on my “command station.” (Aka White Board From Hobby Lobby). On this board I make a list of all the bills that we need to pay each month. I check things off as I go down the list. When I get sick, super depressed, or just exhausted this list gets shot to hell. I keep working at it though.

Cleanliness deserves its own paragraph. Do you ever wish you could rent one of those huge dumpsters you see at construction sites to just empty your house into? The older I get, the more I realize the amount of anxiety that items cause me. My husband has a different outlook to cleanliness. He is satisfied with sock balls being on the couch, beer cans being left out, and the bathroom being cleaned once a year. He once told me that he wants a house to feel “lived in.” I understand and sympathize with this. However, through my eyes, his “lived in” style looks as if a tornado hit & then a tree fell on the house. This causes my anxiety to sky rocket & puts me into an all out cleaning binge, causing our Cocker Spaniel’s blood pressure to sky rocket. It’s been very challenging to find a middle ground where him and I can both survive. Notice I did not say that we are satisfied or happy. I’ve implemented laundry baskets in the bedroom. One for clean clothes and one for dirty. Despite my disdain for dirty clothes in the bedroom, I must admit this has helped with the sock balls (and other random clothing items). I’ve also tried to work on nagging him and using the word “now.” Instead of “I need you to clean this now” I make an effort to say “Before you go to bed can you do this?” It gives him responsibility and time to finish his viking war shows. Yall, it is a work in progress. That is all I can say.

Another thing about marriage & mental illness that is challenging is feeling appreciated. I stay in a constant state of mind that I am not good enough. I get frustrated easily when I do not understand how to do things or find places. Basically, any excuse I have to hate myself, I go with. It is what feels comfortable because it is what I have always done. I self sabatoge myself by drowning in these thoughts. This type of thinking is not caused by my husband. He has always told me that he loves me as I am. As time goes on though, I think he is realizing that flowers, cards, and verbal motivation help me a great deal. Men, if your wife/girlfriend/partner is struggling with self care, know that you can do something to help. Scheduling for them to get their hair done, making a tattoo appointment, buying tickets for a movie night, giving her a gift card to Starbucks, going to the gym with them…..these things help. Anything that promotes self care and self confidence is of great importance in a marriage to a person with mental illness. (or any marriage in general for that matter)

I’m going to end here because I need to take a shower & make a list of what we need to get at Costco today. Hopefully, somewhere in there I will find the strength to start packing us up for our trip next weekend. Also, my husband and I have planned to work on my blog at some point. He is currently still asleep. My chihuahua is refusing to eat her breakfast. The office is a disaster. Wish me luck. If you can identify with the crazy struggle of mental illness & marriage, feel free to comment or like this blog post. It lets me know that I am not alone. And that is a wonderful feeling.

I Don’t Know Who I am

Tonight, I binged on gummy bears because I don’t know who I am. I’m willing to bet that is one of the strangest acknowledgements you have ever heard. I’m building this blog (with my husband’s major assistance) and it is my job to make sure it represents me. There is always this tug between who people want me to be and whom in fact I am. I’ve always been that creature that refuses to conform. That does not sound good though when you are brainstorming your blog categories. This I know…

I’m like a chameleon in that I change my identity an alarming amount. Minus my husband & pets, I never want anything for that long. Be it careers, hobbies, crafts, goals, education, etc, I lose interest. One day I will want to be a jewelry maker. The next I’m considering my career in a thrift store. The following day I’m too exhausted to even put on jewelry to go to a thrift store. The colors I find appealing also change on a regular basis. Bright colors can bring peace or major anxiety with me, just depending on the day.

I’m like a sloth in that my movements are quite slow. Whether it is following a schedule, completing a project, or getting dressed in the morning…. I go at the pace of ice bergs. Sloths hang upside down, which is way too much effort for me. But I can tell you that I see the world upside down. I have always had a viewpoint that few could see. I’m often not even sure what it is in fact that I am seeing. Certain things in art and others call to my soul. This is always what I answer too.

So here I am, trying to figure out categories for this blog. I’m sure you can see the dilemma. How do I fit myself into a box when tomorrow I will want to be in a circle and the next a triangle? The best idea I have is to stick to the few things that are consistent with me.

Organization (I must have this in order to function)

Religion (Christianity has kept me strong through so much darkness)

Depression Awareness (Letting Others Know They Are Not Alone)

DIYs (Using My Hands To Create Visually Appealing Things)

Reselling (Selling Is Always Something I’ve Enjoyed)

Pets (without them, I would have no friends. My husband is a friend but you know what I mean…)

Books (I have a great need to be near them, hold them, and buy them from thrift stores….Notice I did not say read)

Pinterest (Because It Gives Me The Inspirational Energy To Create)

Marriage (My husband makes me a better person, supports, and loves me. That is priceless)

Minimalism (Lots of items do not make me feel at peace)

Ok so maybe that was more than a few things! I just write what is in my heart and sometimes, it surprises me. I believe it is possible to find yourself through writing, reading, creating, and loving. I’m hoping to recover myself from this blog. If you have lost yourself, know that you are not alone. Start writing out a list like I did above and erase anything that does not feel right. There are words that describe you because there is only one you. When does loss of ourselves occur? It’s hard to say. Maybe, when we are young and hurting, we lose ourselves to escape the situation. Adults may lose themselves through the act of drowning. Drowning in debt, loss, heartbreak, anger, etc. It is so important to not give up on ourselves though. Our spirits stay beautiful, even if broken. I wish you luck on finding yours again. Thank you for reading my blog and being part of my journey to find me.

Morning Rituals & A Mouse For Breakfast

My insomnia from the flu & depression has kicked up a notch. The result has been that I’ve read a lot more Pinterest articles on how to improve life. I would be doing a disservice to you to not mention a few of these blog posts that have inspired me. Click on the title to be taken to the article. The first being 5 Morning Rituals For A Magical Day . I can see how my lack of rituals takes a tole on my depression. It’s hard enough to get out of bed but when that is accomplished, what is it I’m supposed to do? If that does not sound like the laziest thing ever then I don’t know what does so we are going to move on quickly…Clearly, I need rituals. The second article being The Importance Of A Sacred Space & How To Create One. What I loved about these articles is that they give you a variety of ideas on how to create peace in your day. There is no set in stone answer about finding it, but these get you on the right track.

As far as morning rituals go, there is one thing I can always count on. My cat, Snuggs, does not miss a beat when it comes to staring me out of bed.

His whiskers are so long that they do not even fit in the frame. Lately, he has been more patient with me and has postponed his clawing the bedside as a last resort. Snuggs, I believe, understands that I have depression. I’ve read that cats can tell whether your temperature is a couple of degrees off or if you have a disease like cancer. Correct me if I am wrong but I think it has something to do with your body chemistry that they smell. I tried to research whether cats know we have Depression. The majority of all the results were of articles on if our cat, in fact, has depression. Not exactly what I was going for. Not to say it could not happen but my cats seem more stable than me on their average day (whatever that is exactly). I asked Alexa “does my cat know if I have Depression?” She literally malfunctioned. And people think technology is so smart….

I read a really interesting article on WordPress the other day. Of course, I did not save it so I had to search it out again. Click on the title to take a look “Lavender-Infused Bullshit: A Post On Supporting Loved Ones With Mental Illness” . First off, I am obsessed with the title because it just literally grabs your eyeballs. This article is about appropriate gifts to give someone struggling with mental illness. I’ve thought about a lot of things, but this is not one of them. The writer definitely had an understanding of my condition & what would truly be helpful. One of the things she wrote about was food. Sending food or something you have prepared to drop off. I swear, cats just KNOW. This morning, right on the front doorstep, I found the tiniest little delivery.

My sweet black cat, Dahlia, must have been reading the same article I had been. This just goes to show how everyone’s perception of things is different. Instead of being very upset with her, I instead felt gratitude that she thought enough of me to catch me breakfast. I’m sure it took effort and that she was quite proud. I gave Dahlia a soft cat treat and secretly snuck my “breakfast” into a trash bag outside. Such a sweet little mouse. I feel sad that you had to lose your life but hope you know, it did mean something. It reminded me that I was thought of, and in my world, that is a big deal.

We Have Viruses & A Sheet Skirt

Ever Watch Survivor? Remember Rupert? The episode where he made a skirt out of literally a bed sheet.

I never thought I would feel the need to thank him for anything, but as I sit here in my sheet skirt, I’m appreciative for his creativity. I was feeling as if I was on fire so off went my pants & on went the bed sheet. My fever is 102 with 4 Ibuprofen in me. Today, I took my husband and I to Doctors Care. My husband told me it felt like someone was scooping out his eye with a spoon when he woke up. I knew it was a sure thing we were going. We both have this scratchy hot cough, chills, and are basically about to look up a DIY on how to make each others caskets. Apparently, we have a virus that can only be treated by basically waiting it out. We got prescribed cough medicine and numbing mouth wash to help. I’m waiting till last minute to take mine because I am so resistant to medications.

Of course, of all times, we would be out of ice. I literally went digging in the freezer to find a block of ice towards the bottom. I probably looked like Big Foot attacking its prey by the way I slammed the ice chunk into the corner of the freezer to break it up. I now, finally have a cup of ice water…. and a sheet skirt. If you ever have fever, seriously, get a soft bedroom flat sheet and tie it around you. I felt a lot better. Jeremy may want to try it out.

For a long time I have claimed myself to be a non judgemental person. I like the way it sounds and I absolutely hate the feeling of being judged harshly. To say I’m not judgemental though means two things: 1. I became a Saint at some point when I was in a comma. 2. I’m a hypocrite. I’m coming to a place where I am realizing that there is a time it is ok to judge and a time not too. Basically, if I can sleep at the end of the night, I’m in the clear. Without judging books could not be written, doctors could not care for patients, and there would be no compassion. Feeling is a huge part of judgement. I will admit, I’ve always felt too strongly about everything. It is my greatest asset and worst enemy.

On that note, here comes another judemental story about how the doctors office went today. A woman came into the office a while after we had been sitting there & sat across from us. We did have those blue coughing masks on to protect others from us. She asked loudly if we were protecting ourselves from the Coronavirus. My response was basically, we are sick. We have a cough. To set the story up for you, my husband and I were the only ones in the waiting room. We could clearly hear her. Yet, I think she thought she was on stage with the way she went on about the weather. This lead into telling us that we probably got sick from our kids (non existent). She explained this is how her siblings always got sick. My lack of responses were probably boring her greatly. Finally, she stood up and announced we sounded way sicker than her and that she was moving across the room. Thank God for small miracles. I typed on my phone notepad “people here are crazy” and showed it to Jeremy. To which he gave a definite nod.

I don’t think my husband and I have ever been THIS miserable together at one time. Due to germs, I bought an expensive CVS Lysol spray and sprayed down the house. Also, all the pillowcases were changed, blankets put into the laundry room, and cough drops set within reach. He turned on my humidifier in the bedroom. My hope was that we could stay apart to try to fight this sickness off. He was set up on the couch and I in the bedroom. That worked for a day and then tonight, we gave it up. Him and I were both very chilled, weak, and in need of comfort. I’m sure we are infected with the same virus so hopefully, it will not matter. If nothing else, we will probably sleep better tonight.

I’m ending here after a very sickly gray day here in Fort Mill, SC. Hopefully tomorrow will be better & brighter in a lot of ways.

Everything Is Gray

I see my past play out in other peoples lives. There is a great need within me to save myself & them from what I know is to come. This need comes in the form of a rage that I set things on fire with. It’s incredibly suffocating living in this gray area. I can’t change the past nor the future. I’m stuck drowning in this abyss of a gray area in between the two. The world has lost all of its color. I’ve never given up searching for it in art, fabrics, and photographs. Where I live, the skies are always gray. People are gray. The grass is gray. I’m sad for the world. I believe there was a time it was beautiful. One day, maybe someone will paint it again.

Poshmark: 8 Orders 1 NIGHT

Tonight, I feel like I should have had several cups of coffee. I’m trying to limit my caffeine intake so I survived off a few bottles of water. Fun times. I packaged up 8 Poshmark, Mercari, And Ebay Orders tonight. Currently, my Ikea bag is full to the brim with boxes & polymailers. Don’t ask me what I packaged, I’m too tired to remember. It’s a tough thing when I vent about reselling because, on the one hand, I am thankful to HAVE orders. I’ve had those days where I literally was waiting for any sign of one. Literally wanting to yell “Is anyone alive out there?” If you are a reseller, I am sure you can relate. Recently, I changed up my pricing strategy. Basically, I gave the hell up on my last strategy to profit a good amount off each item. By a good amount, I mean at least $10. Let me tell you, you could hear crickets in my closet when I tried that plan out.

I’m coming to a place where I am realizing that people want simplicity. Customers enjoy an easy to browse closet that contains a variety of items. Since Poshmark decided to hike up their prices (higher than the high rise jeans girls wear today) customers are now looking to pay bottom dollar for items. This means basically that I am screwed. Seriously. As a reseller, it cost so much money to acquire inventory when you are selling clothes. It does depend on where you live, but from what I can tell the prices are sky rocketing at all goodwills all over the country. I’m backing off from selling clothes. It’s too dam expensive to pay $4-$5 for one item that I have to hope will sell soon after. I’m now looking more into selling plush, throw pillows, home decor, coffee mugs, art, and basically anything of quality that I can get for under $3. Goodwill, I hope you are not reading this…. so help me if throw pillows go to $10 a pop.

For a while, I had categories in my closet because I thought it looked nice to split up items. I now think though that this may distract and confuse the customer because unfortunately, my category thumbnails are not always where they are supposed to be. When you share things on Poshmark, everything goes to the top. Somehow I always manage to miss a few items though, causing my closet to be a scramble of things. Tonight, the categories were deleted. I also changed my prices to nicer looking numbers. Maybe you are laughing. There are people out there though that like to see numbers like $10, $15, $20 and so on. As opposed to $6, $17, $89. The majority of items in my closet are priced between $15-$50. There are a few pieces of art that do jump higher but overall, that is the range. So far, two people have bundled a lot of items that they did not purchase. One person stated under my add that my item was from the Dollar Tree. Don’t you just love how customers love to help you advertise? -_- (That comment will go away because I flagged it.) One person on Poshmark purchased a vintage ceramic cat from me for $20. Another bought a Haagar jacket for $13 that I would never purchase again. On Mercari, my Disney Maui Plush sold for $9. His tattoos are cute but not enough for me to buy him again. I’ve had a Poshmark potential customer ask for measurements of an item. I swear, whenever that happens, people never purchase. I often wonder how people have the time to know their exact measurements. That is just me being tired and judgemental. Anyway, so far, that is what is happening. Success or no? I’m not exactly sure.

Tonight, while laying horizontally, I will make a thumbnail for this blog post. It was not a priority tonight though. Getting on the treadmill however was. In January I was SO motivated to exercise, go to the gym, and drink lots of water. What happens to people in February ? It is like I have multiple personalities when it comes to working out. This month has been very difficult and I’ve been off track daily. I’m still drinking bottled water but not as much. I need to put more energy into that because I can see how it makes me stay full. Last night I also got on the treadmill & thought I was on a roll. Tonight, a sloth looks energized compared to me. It’s 11 PM & I just don’t think walking for 30 minutes is going to happen. I will have to make sure it gets done tomorrow. I love being organized but have realized that I struggle greatly with it. When my depression gets bad, I lose track of tracking bills and keeping the office in a manageable state. My car and pocket book also start looking like I am a hoarder. I’m in a gray area right now because for a minute, I ran out of my medications. It is crazy how we can feel regular but in reality are plummeting downhill. Since getting my refill, I’m realizing that I definitely was doing that. My nightstand is stacked with unread books too. I tend to start buying lots of books when I’m feeling incredibly alone. Thankfully, the thrift store sells them cheap & will take them back as donations when I come to my senses that they are not getting read.

On that note, I am out -_- literally.