fighting depression

ZONK DAY

Today is such a zonk day. It has been raining since I believe yesterday. What has gotten accomplished today……

Coffee- made by my husband

Poptarts- made by me

Church- which consisted of us both lying horizontally on the couch

Cleaning up Jeremy’s upstairs old office area so that at some point I can take pictures there-me

Bed was made- me

Took shower/straightened hair-me

I decided to pick out another comfortable pair of pajamas. Let’s be for real, these are the best outfits in the world. They are soft, baggy, and relaxing. Why are we not wearing these all the dam time? I bet people would not be so stressed out. I did put on a little makeup but decided to xnay the mascara and eye brow pencil. I mean, those two things are a little intense for knowing I’m not going to be leaving the house. The past few days I have felt sick & weak. Yesterday, I tried to rest a lot. I’ve taken my vitamins, drank emergen C, water, rested more, and prayed to God this would pass. Whenever I fall asleep at random times during the day is never a good sign. Very thankful that tomorrow is a holiday and that there is no mail. This means that I get an extra day to package up my orders.

I made a mind blowing great sale on Ebay over the past few days. I’m not going to go into what it was because I have learned that giving away certain things is not a good idea. However, I learned a lesson. That is to keep my eye out for things I would not expect to look for. Always do research on them too. You may just be holding a gem.

I’m hungry but on days like today, cooking is not happening. My cooking has gone very down hill lately, as I have just not felt up to doing it AT ALL. I’ve also noticed that sometimes I skip lunch or breakfast and remember this at some point during the day. I did ask a Depression Facebook group I joined about easy snacks to make that take little to no effort. People had a lot of good ideas, which I appreciated.

About to head down to preheat the oven. I bet my husband and can, Snuggs, are still laying horizontal. Though I am in no way a lover of pizza, thank goodness for it. It’s so dam easy.

Nightmares

Last night I had a long nightmare about trying to get away from someone. I first tried to reason with them, then console them, and then escape them. Apparently, the house caught on fire and the person that was chasing me was downstairs, while I hid in the attic. I have no knowledge of how the fire started but I know I was in a desperate state to survive. The person chasing me, ended up living. This is important to note because I am not a killer. Not even in my nightmares. Not even too that which chases me. You don’t have much control (if any) when you are asleep though. And yet, I still take these horrific visions I have personally.

What I do know is that my nightmares are tied to my past. I’m aware of who is chasing me, though I will not write their name. They don’t deserve the satisfaction that they are still somehow victimizing me. They come to me often at night, since they can’t get close during the day. Waking up from these kinds of nights is awful. My hair is a hot tangled mess. I’m exhausted beyond belief. And the morning has not even started. I actually fell back asleep after getting up this morning. Thankfully, I woke up in time to set a short alarm before my counseling appointment.

I’m so tired of running, grief, and lack of understanding. It’s hard to figure out if I isolate myself or if the world isolates itself from me. Nature and sunshine is definitely calming, when I gather the strength to be in it. It rained yesterday though so I think everything is wet out there. So is my soul. My husband is on a business call, laundry needs to be done, dishes are stacking up, things need to get packed…. fuck. I am over it. Change. Rollercoasters. And trying to figure out how to survive them both. I’ve started having chronic headaches which is fun. I’m pretty sure that my brain is trying to explode from stress.

It’s Too Early For Rock Bottom

I feel like I am hitting rock bottom. My values and perspective on life are being challenged. There are certain things that I have held strong too because it has felt right to do so. The longer I’m alive though, the more I realize nothing is as I thought it would be. Not marriage. Not career. Not security. If you had asked me when I was little what I wanted in life, I would have been overwhelmed by the enormity of the question. Today, at almost 4 AM, I still am. Answers are starting to not feel right anymore. As soon as I answer, everything changes.

I’m literally stuck in a painful, sad, and gray cloud of absolute confusion. Confusion about my decisions. My recovery. And ultimately my future. I just want to feel secure. It is such a simple word and yet, to obtain it, one must dig for a diamond with their fingernails. Is it possible for anyone to stay in a constant state of it? Could I borrow some from someone? I am so burned out. Mascara is wiped all over my shirt sleeve because I was crying yesterday. The night came too soon and everything went black. I didn’t eat dinner nor did I have a desire for anything but sleep. Covers are comforting.

How much should one person feel they need to compromise themselves? I’m a non conformist. My lack of bending either makes me brave or a complete bitch depending on who you ask. I only know how to be myself. I have expectations of those around me because I need to know I can trust & depend on people. Let me tell you, the last time I checked my friendship bank it was in the negative. I’ve become recluse, defeated, and incredibly lonely. So lonely.

I’m realizing the only person that can save me is myself. In order to make an attempt at life though I have to go through therapy, change, and a great amount of self reflection. I have to ask myself if I am wrong. Have I been doing it wrong? Why does everything become destroyed in my path? Instead of building castles, I’m blowing them up. I survive and yet, there is no one around me. No noise. No light. Just my dam self and my “values.” If I could reverse it, would I compromise myself in the name of keeping my world together?

I’m struggling this morning.

Suffering From Depression

The thing about depression is that some days I feel nothing. On those days, I’m confused and feel guilty for the lack of emotion towards that which is dear to me. The other days are like tonight (to be exact 11 PM), where everything hurts. Especially my heart. During nights like this I just lay in the dark and cry. I miss people I can’t bring back. It’s not just that I miss them but I need them. Grief is overwhelming in that it kills you from the inside out. When people actually notice I’m in pain, it is because I’m overflowing with it. The pressure is so great that my eyes leak out the loss.

Emotionally, I am so very lonely. My husband is a dear friend and I do not know how I would have ever made it this far without him. Something I have learned in life though is that people can’t be everything for me. Or better yet, I should not ask them to be. They can’t carry the weight of my grief. No one can fulfill or understand every need. Hell, I don’t even understand what I need. Some wounds were made before I can even remember. Over time, these injuries have turned into scars that still hurt from time to time. I’m human. I ask why and cry because it feels unfair. God knows whats in my heart. Despite everything I’ve been through, I know He has always been by my side.

I miss seeing the sun. Where we live it rains all the time. Rain feels gloomy and sad. Instead of being relaxing it has become an expected event. I took the sun for granted before we moved. There needs to be color & light. My soul needs that. Yesterday, I wanted to learn to sew. Today, I wanted to learn to make stained glass. Basically, I need f*cking creative relief.

I’m also burned out from trying to be good enough at anything. A person that is “successful” or better yet, at least feels that way. It’s a very hard journey. Just trying to find myself is one of the most challenging things I’ve ever done. Some days, I’m organized and able to see a clear path. Others, everything is a disaster and I’m no longer interested in what I was the day before. I’m not sure what causes me to want to cook, create, read, and then hate the idea of doing those things again. Is it an anxiety thing? I can’t even stick to one form of art without getting frustrated and moving onto the next idea. Pinterest is a relief because it allows me to pin hundreds of ideas that, at some point, I may like again.

Things that are making me sad right now are that:

It is 11:12. I forgot to make a wish at 11:11

My health is pretty much fucked

My grandmother is gone

My biological dad. Just everything.

Lack of friendship

Loneliness

Feeling overwhelmed

I like lists. What can I say. At least the word “like” is somewhere in this post.

Is it better to feel everything or to feel nothing? I wish I could find some form of middle ground where I could just deal with things. Maybe the longer I am in therapy, I will learn how to do this. I’ve noticed that I’ve started picking at my lip. Also, for a while now, my nail polish has become extremely chipped before I will take it off. My car gets cleaned less and often has things thrown around in it. In these small things, I can see the progression of depression and the effects it has on me. It’s scary and I’m tired. So tired.

Being A Wife With Depression

I can sum it up in three words. Ready? It’s Fucking Hard.

My mental illness makes a lot of basic things hard for me. Tasks such as taking a shower, cleaning, running errands, etc, fill me with exhaustion & anxiety. On most days, I make myself do them. When I got married, more items got added to this list of essential daily chores. It feels defeating. If you could see the sink full of dishes or the wet laundry that has not yet been switched over, you would grasp my feeling of defeat. Working outside the home is also not something, at this point, I feel I can do. On top of constantly getting physically sick, I literally send my depression into a black hole. My husband also never sees me because once managers get their claws into me, I fall victim to working on a schedule that includes weekends. None of this is conducive to marriage or depression.

Before I get further down this rant, I want to state that my husband is a very good man. I believe with all my heart that God led him to me in a time of extreme darkness. He provides, loves, and gives me great comic relief daily. This blog today is not to break him down or complain about the person whom I chose to spend my life with. My husband has provided me with a life that I never expected the chance to have. On my worst days, I’m grateful to him. With that being said, I think the topic of marriage and depression is important. Both topics are aspects of my life that play a big role in who I am & what I struggle with.

It’s important to note that everyone’s marriage is different. This is something my counselor told me. Therefore, everyone’s struggle is different. There is not one structured format one must follow to be ensure a happily ever after marriage. If this book went out of print, please let me know and I will barter some clothes for it. What is acceptable in some people’s marriages today would not be in mine. And vise versa. Please remember that I am writing about my personal struggles with mental illness and marriage. If these things do not bother you, that is ok. I’m sure though, on some level, you may be able to relate.

I struggle greatly with organization. Don’t get me wrong, I love cleanliness and order. But to achieve those things takes great effort. Which on most days, I do not feel like I have. I’ve found that lists of things get me moving in the right direction. When it comes to my marriage, there are definitely times when lists are needed. One being grocery lists. The act of going grocery shopping does not bother me too much. However, the lack of control as to what I put in the buggy does. Seeing the bill after shopping can literally send me into shock. Implementing a list & sticking to it prevents me from paying for chaos. Another list that comes into play is on my “command station.” (Aka White Board From Hobby Lobby). On this board I make a list of all the bills that we need to pay each month. I check things off as I go down the list. When I get sick, super depressed, or just exhausted this list gets shot to hell. I keep working at it though.

Cleanliness deserves its own paragraph. Do you ever wish you could rent one of those huge dumpsters you see at construction sites to just empty your house into? The older I get, the more I realize the amount of anxiety that items cause me. My husband has a different outlook to cleanliness. He is satisfied with sock balls being on the couch, beer cans being left out, and the bathroom being cleaned once a year. He once told me that he wants a house to feel “lived in.” I understand and sympathize with this. However, through my eyes, his “lived in” style looks as if a tornado hit & then a tree fell on the house. This causes my anxiety to sky rocket & puts me into an all out cleaning binge, causing our Cocker Spaniel’s blood pressure to sky rocket. It’s been very challenging to find a middle ground where him and I can both survive. Notice I did not say that we are satisfied or happy. I’ve implemented laundry baskets in the bedroom. One for clean clothes and one for dirty. Despite my disdain for dirty clothes in the bedroom, I must admit this has helped with the sock balls (and other random clothing items). I’ve also tried to work on nagging him and using the word “now.” Instead of “I need you to clean this now” I make an effort to say “Before you go to bed can you do this?” It gives him responsibility and time to finish his viking war shows. Yall, it is a work in progress. That is all I can say.

Another thing about marriage & mental illness that is challenging is feeling appreciated. I stay in a constant state of mind that I am not good enough. I get frustrated easily when I do not understand how to do things or find places. Basically, any excuse I have to hate myself, I go with. It is what feels comfortable because it is what I have always done. I self sabatoge myself by drowning in these thoughts. This type of thinking is not caused by my husband. He has always told me that he loves me as I am. As time goes on though, I think he is realizing that flowers, cards, and verbal motivation help me a great deal. Men, if your wife/girlfriend/partner is struggling with self care, know that you can do something to help. Scheduling for them to get their hair done, making a tattoo appointment, buying tickets for a movie night, giving her a gift card to Starbucks, going to the gym with them…..these things help. Anything that promotes self care and self confidence is of great importance in a marriage to a person with mental illness. (or any marriage in general for that matter)

I’m going to end here because I need to take a shower & make a list of what we need to get at Costco today. Hopefully, somewhere in there I will find the strength to start packing us up for our trip next weekend. Also, my husband and I have planned to work on my blog at some point. He is currently still asleep. My chihuahua is refusing to eat her breakfast. The office is a disaster. Wish me luck. If you can identify with the crazy struggle of mental illness & marriage, feel free to comment or like this blog post. It lets me know that I am not alone. And that is a wonderful feeling.

Morning Rituals & A Mouse For Breakfast

My insomnia from the flu & depression has kicked up a notch. The result has been that I’ve read a lot more Pinterest articles on how to improve life. I would be doing a disservice to you to not mention a few of these blog posts that have inspired me. Click on the title to be taken to the article. The first being 5 Morning Rituals For A Magical Day . I can see how my lack of rituals takes a tole on my depression. It’s hard enough to get out of bed but when that is accomplished, what is it I’m supposed to do? If that does not sound like the laziest thing ever then I don’t know what does so we are going to move on quickly…Clearly, I need rituals. The second article being The Importance Of A Sacred Space & How To Create One. What I loved about these articles is that they give you a variety of ideas on how to create peace in your day. There is no set in stone answer about finding it, but these get you on the right track.

As far as morning rituals go, there is one thing I can always count on. My cat, Snuggs, does not miss a beat when it comes to staring me out of bed.

His whiskers are so long that they do not even fit in the frame. Lately, he has been more patient with me and has postponed his clawing the bedside as a last resort. Snuggs, I believe, understands that I have depression. I’ve read that cats can tell whether your temperature is a couple of degrees off or if you have a disease like cancer. Correct me if I am wrong but I think it has something to do with your body chemistry that they smell. I tried to research whether cats know we have Depression. The majority of all the results were of articles on if our cat, in fact, has depression. Not exactly what I was going for. Not to say it could not happen but my cats seem more stable than me on their average day (whatever that is exactly). I asked Alexa “does my cat know if I have Depression?” She literally malfunctioned. And people think technology is so smart….

I read a really interesting article on WordPress the other day. Of course, I did not save it so I had to search it out again. Click on the title to take a look “Lavender-Infused Bullshit: A Post On Supporting Loved Ones With Mental Illness” . First off, I am obsessed with the title because it just literally grabs your eyeballs. This article is about appropriate gifts to give someone struggling with mental illness. I’ve thought about a lot of things, but this is not one of them. The writer definitely had an understanding of my condition & what would truly be helpful. One of the things she wrote about was food. Sending food or something you have prepared to drop off. I swear, cats just KNOW. This morning, right on the front doorstep, I found the tiniest little delivery.

My sweet black cat, Dahlia, must have been reading the same article I had been. This just goes to show how everyone’s perception of things is different. Instead of being very upset with her, I instead felt gratitude that she thought enough of me to catch me breakfast. I’m sure it took effort and that she was quite proud. I gave Dahlia a soft cat treat and secretly snuck my “breakfast” into a trash bag outside. Such a sweet little mouse. I feel sad that you had to lose your life but hope you know, it did mean something. It reminded me that I was thought of, and in my world, that is a big deal.

Everything Is Gray

I see my past play out in other peoples lives. There is a great need within me to save myself & them from what I know is to come. This need comes in the form of a rage that I set things on fire with. It’s incredibly suffocating living in this gray area. I can’t change the past nor the future. I’m stuck drowning in this abyss of a gray area in between the two. The world has lost all of its color. I’ve never given up searching for it in art, fabrics, and photographs. Where I live, the skies are always gray. People are gray. The grass is gray. I’m sad for the world. I believe there was a time it was beautiful. One day, maybe someone will paint it again.

Poshmark: 8 Orders 1 NIGHT

Tonight, I feel like I should have had several cups of coffee. I’m trying to limit my caffeine intake so I survived off a few bottles of water. Fun times. I packaged up 8 Poshmark, Mercari, And Ebay Orders tonight. Currently, my Ikea bag is full to the brim with boxes & polymailers. Don’t ask me what I packaged, I’m too tired to remember. It’s a tough thing when I vent about reselling because, on the one hand, I am thankful to HAVE orders. I’ve had those days where I literally was waiting for any sign of one. Literally wanting to yell “Is anyone alive out there?” If you are a reseller, I am sure you can relate. Recently, I changed up my pricing strategy. Basically, I gave the hell up on my last strategy to profit a good amount off each item. By a good amount, I mean at least $10. Let me tell you, you could hear crickets in my closet when I tried that plan out.

I’m coming to a place where I am realizing that people want simplicity. Customers enjoy an easy to browse closet that contains a variety of items. Since Poshmark decided to hike up their prices (higher than the high rise jeans girls wear today) customers are now looking to pay bottom dollar for items. This means basically that I am screwed. Seriously. As a reseller, it cost so much money to acquire inventory when you are selling clothes. It does depend on where you live, but from what I can tell the prices are sky rocketing at all goodwills all over the country. I’m backing off from selling clothes. It’s too dam expensive to pay $4-$5 for one item that I have to hope will sell soon after. I’m now looking more into selling plush, throw pillows, home decor, coffee mugs, art, and basically anything of quality that I can get for under $3. Goodwill, I hope you are not reading this…. so help me if throw pillows go to $10 a pop.

For a while, I had categories in my closet because I thought it looked nice to split up items. I now think though that this may distract and confuse the customer because unfortunately, my category thumbnails are not always where they are supposed to be. When you share things on Poshmark, everything goes to the top. Somehow I always manage to miss a few items though, causing my closet to be a scramble of things. Tonight, the categories were deleted. I also changed my prices to nicer looking numbers. Maybe you are laughing. There are people out there though that like to see numbers like $10, $15, $20 and so on. As opposed to $6, $17, $89. The majority of items in my closet are priced between $15-$50. There are a few pieces of art that do jump higher but overall, that is the range. So far, two people have bundled a lot of items that they did not purchase. One person stated under my add that my item was from the Dollar Tree. Don’t you just love how customers love to help you advertise? -_- (That comment will go away because I flagged it.) One person on Poshmark purchased a vintage ceramic cat from me for $20. Another bought a Haagar jacket for $13 that I would never purchase again. On Mercari, my Disney Maui Plush sold for $9. His tattoos are cute but not enough for me to buy him again. I’ve had a Poshmark potential customer ask for measurements of an item. I swear, whenever that happens, people never purchase. I often wonder how people have the time to know their exact measurements. That is just me being tired and judgemental. Anyway, so far, that is what is happening. Success or no? I’m not exactly sure.

Tonight, while laying horizontally, I will make a thumbnail for this blog post. It was not a priority tonight though. Getting on the treadmill however was. In January I was SO motivated to exercise, go to the gym, and drink lots of water. What happens to people in February ? It is like I have multiple personalities when it comes to working out. This month has been very difficult and I’ve been off track daily. I’m still drinking bottled water but not as much. I need to put more energy into that because I can see how it makes me stay full. Last night I also got on the treadmill & thought I was on a roll. Tonight, a sloth looks energized compared to me. It’s 11 PM & I just don’t think walking for 30 minutes is going to happen. I will have to make sure it gets done tomorrow. I love being organized but have realized that I struggle greatly with it. When my depression gets bad, I lose track of tracking bills and keeping the office in a manageable state. My car and pocket book also start looking like I am a hoarder. I’m in a gray area right now because for a minute, I ran out of my medications. It is crazy how we can feel regular but in reality are plummeting downhill. Since getting my refill, I’m realizing that I definitely was doing that. My nightstand is stacked with unread books too. I tend to start buying lots of books when I’m feeling incredibly alone. Thankfully, the thrift store sells them cheap & will take them back as donations when I come to my senses that they are not getting read.

On that note, I am out -_- literally.

The Struggle Is Real

Currently, I’m listening to Judge Judy and avoiding blogging about budget friendly Poshmark ideas. It’s really difficult to plan out a blog in your head when your heart is somewhere else. That somewhere else is not in the land of organization. I used to avidly follow a Youtuber that had an entire channel based on cleaning. Last time I checked, she is still vacuuming away in her new all white house. It’s interesting how our perspective changes over time. I used to envy her house, success, and channel in general. I can’t even organize the stack of books on my nightstand. Like seriously, what was I thinking wanting a cleaning channel? Still today, I come down with a serious case of the “grass is greener on the other side” syndrome. It’s crazy the places our mind will take us. Being at peace, in my opinion, is the hardest state of mind to stay in. I’ve only ever reached it in a Yoga class several years ago.

I have FIVE bags of Goodwill items sitting on my office floor. I don’t even recall what is in them. Money & I have an extremely treacherous relationship. Whenever I have too much of it, meaning anything over $5, I feel an extreme need to spend it. It does not even make sense why a feeling of excitement is there, but it is. Even if it is just going to get Starbucks, it is satisfying. Though I don’t want to admit it, spending brings light to the darkness within me. It’s an escape, a drug, and a need all at the same time. This is why we should never judge others. We all have our escapes and in similar ways, they are dangerous.

To add a few positive bits, Valentines went well. My husband showed up with multicolored roses and an expensive French Eiffel Tower card he ordered from Amazon. Though he does not write often, when he does, it is always genuine & sweet. I’m not someone who feels appreciated very much. A lot of that is probably due to my mental illness, rather than it being the actual case. It always feels nice to read from him that I am. I will keep that card in my nightstand next to the Christmas one that I like to have access too. Things started going down hill though when he picked out a movie he thought I would absolutely love. It was called, P.S I Love You. He had actually seen it himself before and was assured it would be a good experience. Everything from the character’s relationship, to how death was handled, to the bar shots, to the “romantic” letters, etc, disgusted me. I wanted to rewrite the plot because it did not happen as it should have. If you could not tell already, that movie did not put me in a romantic mood at all. Actually, if we are being real, I was ready to rip up everyone’s roses halfway through it. The movie went off when I told him I could not take it anymore and that was the end of our romantic movie night. Next time, I choose the movie.

I wish I did not chew on my hair but I find myself doing it all the time. It’s an odd way to deal with anxiety. Why is it that if we move our mouths by chewing gum, food, lips, or hair, we feel life is more manageable? There are so many habits we have, as humans, that are quite strange. Women spend an ungodly amount of money on beauty products. My thing is usually sweet smelling body spray from Bath & Body Works. One fruity mist cost as much as a nice dinner. I swear that stuff makes us smell like a fruit, tropical drink, sun tan lotion, etc, for tops of 30 seconds before the scent completely vanishes. And yet, we continue to buy it. My excuse is that I buy it on sale. However, I stand by the fact that we are all completely insane.

All fingers crossed that we have found the house we want. Today, we went to see two different houses. It was funny because one my husband liked & the other one I liked. We got to go to my house first (don’t you love how I am already claiming it?). When we walked in, things smelled & looked normal. Considering our experiences lately, that is a positive. There was a music room, larger kitchen, fenced yard, gas fireplace, big tub, raised ceilings, nursery room, lots of light, double garage, and so on. This house was in a nice neighborhood towards the back, which would be safe for our pets. It also had four bedrooms which would be so beneficial with storage. Now let me tell you above the second house….

I continue to find it shocking the magic photographers can pull on these real-estate properties. The house my husband liked did look beautiful from the outside. One of the first things I noticed was that you had to drive down a very long rocky driveway, more like a road, to get to the house. The realtor said that the neighbors most likely maintained the road. The last thing I want to do is worry about caring for a drive way. My battery is already burned out. We walked up to the front of the house and almost sunk into the mud doing so. Apparently, the rain had caused the front lawn to turn marsh like. Upon doing calisthenics to get to the front door, we realized we were supposed to go in the side door. Fun Times. Once we entered the house I noticed the low ceilings. Then there was dirt smeared on many surfaces, edges, doors, etc. The fire place was located behind the sofa, which made total sense (NOT). I know my husband liked the yard, which makes sense considering he likes yard. But that was a no for me. He knows who he married & because of that he knew that house was not happening.

Anyway, after that delightful experience, we put an offer on the first house. Currently, there are no other offers on this house. We found out that the home had a small termite infestation, which does sound disgusting. But they have hired someone to treat it & we would get a termite bond with the house to make sure the problem is taken care of. The last thing I want is a termite house, believe me. I just felt like this was the right house when I considered everything though. The owners are building a house & are not ready to leave theirs yet. If we get this home, this will give us time to help move my granddad, pack us, and then move. I wish we had enough to go on a cruise and pay people to pack us. Moving is incredibly miserable & exhausting. I’m in need of an easier lifestyle, less stress, and more opportunities to meet people. It has been so long since I have had a friend to talk to that I’m about to make friends with the ceramic Pikachu bank next to me. He looks friendly.

5 Things That Help Depression

I wanted to write about this topic because most days, I fight to remember what helps with my Depression. I’m familiar with isolation, low functioning, lack of organization, being triggered, and feeling defeated. On most days, I am not ok. I’m holding it together or swallowing all that pain down. If I knew a cure for mental illness, you better believe I would type my fingers off to explain it to you. But, I don’t. What I do have is a few tips that I have implemented in my life to bring comfort to my soul. I hope that they inspire you to look beyond your darkness and find a few stars.

1. Counseling. The first time I wrote this paragraph I ended up deleting everything. Being completely raw, let me just put it out there that I completely agree our insurance situation in America is fucked up. More often than not, those that want insurance, have to pay dearly for it. It is not fair, I agree. With that being said, seeking counsel is the first thing on my list that has truly helped me understand myself. From experience, I feel it is better to go to a clinic that has a sliding scale (income based) then to not go. Mental illness goes far beyond stress & sadness. It takes us to a place of darkness where we are crawling to find our way out. Counselors that are educated and experienced with mental illness can use a light to help guide us back. Trust me, everyone needs that at some point.

2. Scheduling & Organization are two things that are very challenging for me. And yet, I get extreme relief when I am able to simplify my life. This is probably a personality thing but for me, clutter and chaos make my depression worse. It makes doing basic things harder. Meaning my goals literally fly out the window, if I even opened the windows that is. Having a notebook to write down what you want to get done during the day can help. If you are a visual person, use a Hobby Lobby coupon and get yourself a large white board. Set up a command station where you can write & literally check off your tasks as you do them. I need to invest in another board to do this.

3. Exercise. You know those incredibly motivated people you see taking a jog out in the freezing cold rain? Yeah, I am not talking about their crazy asses. I mean if that is your thing, go for it. When I say exercise though, I mean doing something that makes you move. For me, it is getting on my treadmill, listening to loud music, and trying to drown out the world. Yoga has helped me in the past to be able to relax and center myself. For some, exercise may mean getting out of bed and walking out to get the mail. Don’t compare yourself to others because we never win that way. Create healthy habits that you do every day. And one day, I truly believe, it will get easier.

4. Journaling/Reading. My counselor inspired me to start a few different journals. You may be sitting there thinking, I don’t even have one. That was me as well a little while back. I was advised to start a positive, negative, and religious journal. I could write in any of the categories, at any time, as long as I separated them. The goal was to eventually need the negative journal less. Sometimes I do better with journaling than others. If I am having a good day, I tend to be able to write out positive & negative thoughts. If it is a bad one, I lack a desire to find a pen. I’m just being real. But writing helps me express a great deal of emotional weight I have enslaved myself too. I’m adding reading as well because there is nothing like being able to get away from reality. Reality is unbelievably over rated. I wish I could jump into characters life and see the world as they do. Thrift stores are great places to find books. And if you hate to read, I inspire you to try different types of books. I love true crime, biography, and conspiracy theory books. Hand me a fantasy novel and you better threaten me with shoving bamboo shoots up my nails for me to start reading.

5. Youtube Channel Videos. This last topic is one you probably did not expect. I really don’t promote social media as a main outlet for Depression. However, I have to say that having created a YouTube vlog channel for myself a few years ago was a good decision. It connected me with others who could identify with mental illness and those that also had similar interests. If you are not someone that wants to share your life, I totally get that. It may greatly help you though to search for videos on YouTube about others struggling with mental illness. You will learn quickly that you are not alone. If nothing else, I hope this gives you strength. ASMR is also a resource you can find on Youtube. If certain soft sounds like whispering, tapping, book reading, etc, relax you then look up GraceV. She brings my anxiety from a 10 to a 1. There are many ASMR channels out there so make sure you look into this.

I realize that this has been a long blog. If you have made it to this point, know that I appreciate it. If you personally cannot use this information, maybe there will come a time in your life where you can share it. If we each share resources & stories, then one day, maybe we can all beat this illness together. My heart goes out to you if you are struggling with symptoms that are overwhelming or that you do not understand. Try lots of different things and I hope at some point you can make a list of things that bring you peace. No matter what, keep fighting for the good days.