mental wellnes

Brain Overload & Goodwill

It is hard to describe how it feels to be me. I can describe the weather, my pets personalities, or my husbands habits. But putting energy into giving myself a definition is not something I know how to do. I can tell you that I feel overloaded. With exhaustion. With stress. With sadness. With confusion. I’ve started having regular headaches daily which has been thrilling. (NOT) When I upped my medications a few weeks ago I started to get them. After a week of trying to push through it, I gave up and went back to my normal dose. Unfortunately, the headaches did not stop. It is 3:30 PM and I want to get in the bed and lay there until tomorrow.

This is fun times considering we are moving starting tomorrow. Thankfully, last week I was able to put items into plastic containers that we got from Target. There are still things to be packed though. I would not be surprised if I just put them all into a basket and have them ride co-pilot with me over to the new house. I’m literally at that point where I don’t know what to do. Hopefully, tonight I will find strength to pack more.

Our Cocker Spaniel, Charlie, is laying on the ground wagging his little nubby tail in his sleep. It’s so dam cute. Why can’t I have dreams like that? Nightmares are all I ever have. Someone is always dying, getting hurt, tortured, I’m being chased, etc. What would a dogs version of a nightmare be? Charlie’s would probably be his inability to reach a tennis ball that he can clearly see. Like the squirrel in Ice Age, always chasing after the nut that gets away. Lucky for Charlie, he clearly found his tennis ball in today’s dream.

The book I’m reading is “That’s Mental.” It is relatable and funny, which I am enjoying. I can only read it in small doses though because it is so relatable. It’s almost as if I am reliving or being taught about mental illness. Even on my best day, that does not sound like my idea of a good time. I do think it is important though to educate myself on topics that apply to my life. Being informed helps me feel less alone. More sane if you will. That in and of itself is worth reading the book.

Goodwill has FINALLY opened back up. If that is not cause for a celebration, I do not know what is. It is refreshing just to be in an environment where I can focus on other things (that are not my emotions). Like being amongst the books. There is something magically unsaid about surrounding yourself with characters & stories. When I used to work in childcare, I learned about “redirecting” children when they are acting out as opposed to punishing. You could say that the thrift store is my redirection.

Sadly, my husband no longer enjoyed thrift shopping. We both used to get into doing it but times have changed. People’s interests change. I of all people should know that. Everyday, I seem to like a new set of things. Thankfully, thrift shopping has been pretty consistent in my life. It’s just hard not having friends to ever go with. On a daily basis, I tend to feel very alone. Most of that is my illness. Some of it is my reality. It’s hard to separate the two.

As far as what we got from the thrift store…. well….. several items. Somehow, the massive world globe for $4.99 had to come home with us. Along with a plant stand, set of galvanized angel wings (thanks to my husband finding them), brass horse, metal beaded flower, books, etc. We also stopped at a second Goodwill in SC and picked up a few more items. Currently, I can’t even remember what we got. Then today, we went back a 2nd time to one of the Goodwills. I spent under $9 on some books. Can you tell that I have a thing for buying books? When I am stressed, I want all the books. Or the true crime & advice ones anyway. My husband went outside to play on his phone while I finished looking at the books. He tries to be very patient with me but I can tell when he wants to go home.

Making a goal list may help me not go lay down. So let’s see, tonight I will pack (at least) 4 boxes. I will feed the pets. I will go get my husbands car with him that is at Firestone. I will work in my business journal some, if I can come up with some new ideas. Or anything for that matter. Ready. Set. Go! (Not) But I will do those things. Because I said I will. And strength is one of the few things I seem to always be able to reach for when in desperation. Or exhaustion. Or whatever the hell this is.

UPDATE: I did pick up my husband’s car with him (we also ran by another Goodwill…), I packed several boxes (more than 4!!), I fed all the pets, and am about to go lay down. I’m going to bring my business notebook in there with me even though I have no idea what to write. Having depression is like having rusty wheels in your brain. They literally don’t want to turn, even though they have a story to tell.

I Don’t Know Who I am

Tonight, I binged on gummy bears because I don’t know who I am. I’m willing to bet that is one of the strangest acknowledgements you have ever heard. I’m building this blog (with my husband’s major assistance) and it is my job to make sure it represents me. There is always this tug between who people want me to be and whom in fact I am. I’ve always been that creature that refuses to conform. That does not sound good though when you are brainstorming your blog categories. This I know…

I’m like a chameleon in that I change my identity an alarming amount. Minus my husband & pets, I never want anything for that long. Be it careers, hobbies, crafts, goals, education, etc, I lose interest. One day I will want to be a jewelry maker. The next I’m considering my career in a thrift store. The following day I’m too exhausted to even put on jewelry to go to a thrift store. The colors I find appealing also change on a regular basis. Bright colors can bring peace or major anxiety with me, just depending on the day.

I’m like a sloth in that my movements are quite slow. Whether it is following a schedule, completing a project, or getting dressed in the morning…. I go at the pace of ice bergs. Sloths hang upside down, which is way too much effort for me. But I can tell you that I see the world upside down. I have always had a viewpoint that few could see. I’m often not even sure what it is in fact that I am seeing. Certain things in art and others call to my soul. This is always what I answer too.

So here I am, trying to figure out categories for this blog. I’m sure you can see the dilemma. How do I fit myself into a box when tomorrow I will want to be in a circle and the next a triangle? The best idea I have is to stick to the few things that are consistent with me.

Organization (I must have this in order to function)

Religion (Christianity has kept me strong through so much darkness)

Depression Awareness (Letting Others Know They Are Not Alone)

DIYs (Using My Hands To Create Visually Appealing Things)

Reselling (Selling Is Always Something I’ve Enjoyed)

Pets (without them, I would have no friends. My husband is a friend but you know what I mean…)

Books (I have a great need to be near them, hold them, and buy them from thrift stores….Notice I did not say read)

Pinterest (Because It Gives Me The Inspirational Energy To Create)

Marriage (My husband makes me a better person, supports, and loves me. That is priceless)

Minimalism (Lots of items do not make me feel at peace)

Ok so maybe that was more than a few things! I just write what is in my heart and sometimes, it surprises me. I believe it is possible to find yourself through writing, reading, creating, and loving. I’m hoping to recover myself from this blog. If you have lost yourself, know that you are not alone. Start writing out a list like I did above and erase anything that does not feel right. There are words that describe you because there is only one you. When does loss of ourselves occur? It’s hard to say. Maybe, when we are young and hurting, we lose ourselves to escape the situation. Adults may lose themselves through the act of drowning. Drowning in debt, loss, heartbreak, anger, etc. It is so important to not give up on ourselves though. Our spirits stay beautiful, even if broken. I wish you luck on finding yours again. Thank you for reading my blog and being part of my journey to find me.

Poshmark: 8 Orders 1 NIGHT

Tonight, I feel like I should have had several cups of coffee. I’m trying to limit my caffeine intake so I survived off a few bottles of water. Fun times. I packaged up 8 Poshmark, Mercari, And Ebay Orders tonight. Currently, my Ikea bag is full to the brim with boxes & polymailers. Don’t ask me what I packaged, I’m too tired to remember. It’s a tough thing when I vent about reselling because, on the one hand, I am thankful to HAVE orders. I’ve had those days where I literally was waiting for any sign of one. Literally wanting to yell “Is anyone alive out there?” If you are a reseller, I am sure you can relate. Recently, I changed up my pricing strategy. Basically, I gave the hell up on my last strategy to profit a good amount off each item. By a good amount, I mean at least $10. Let me tell you, you could hear crickets in my closet when I tried that plan out.

I’m coming to a place where I am realizing that people want simplicity. Customers enjoy an easy to browse closet that contains a variety of items. Since Poshmark decided to hike up their prices (higher than the high rise jeans girls wear today) customers are now looking to pay bottom dollar for items. This means basically that I am screwed. Seriously. As a reseller, it cost so much money to acquire inventory when you are selling clothes. It does depend on where you live, but from what I can tell the prices are sky rocketing at all goodwills all over the country. I’m backing off from selling clothes. It’s too dam expensive to pay $4-$5 for one item that I have to hope will sell soon after. I’m now looking more into selling plush, throw pillows, home decor, coffee mugs, art, and basically anything of quality that I can get for under $3. Goodwill, I hope you are not reading this…. so help me if throw pillows go to $10 a pop.

For a while, I had categories in my closet because I thought it looked nice to split up items. I now think though that this may distract and confuse the customer because unfortunately, my category thumbnails are not always where they are supposed to be. When you share things on Poshmark, everything goes to the top. Somehow I always manage to miss a few items though, causing my closet to be a scramble of things. Tonight, the categories were deleted. I also changed my prices to nicer looking numbers. Maybe you are laughing. There are people out there though that like to see numbers like $10, $15, $20 and so on. As opposed to $6, $17, $89. The majority of items in my closet are priced between $15-$50. There are a few pieces of art that do jump higher but overall, that is the range. So far, two people have bundled a lot of items that they did not purchase. One person stated under my add that my item was from the Dollar Tree. Don’t you just love how customers love to help you advertise? -_- (That comment will go away because I flagged it.) One person on Poshmark purchased a vintage ceramic cat from me for $20. Another bought a Haagar jacket for $13 that I would never purchase again. On Mercari, my Disney Maui Plush sold for $9. His tattoos are cute but not enough for me to buy him again. I’ve had a Poshmark potential customer ask for measurements of an item. I swear, whenever that happens, people never purchase. I often wonder how people have the time to know their exact measurements. That is just me being tired and judgemental. Anyway, so far, that is what is happening. Success or no? I’m not exactly sure.

Tonight, while laying horizontally, I will make a thumbnail for this blog post. It was not a priority tonight though. Getting on the treadmill however was. In January I was SO motivated to exercise, go to the gym, and drink lots of water. What happens to people in February ? It is like I have multiple personalities when it comes to working out. This month has been very difficult and I’ve been off track daily. I’m still drinking bottled water but not as much. I need to put more energy into that because I can see how it makes me stay full. Last night I also got on the treadmill & thought I was on a roll. Tonight, a sloth looks energized compared to me. It’s 11 PM & I just don’t think walking for 30 minutes is going to happen. I will have to make sure it gets done tomorrow. I love being organized but have realized that I struggle greatly with it. When my depression gets bad, I lose track of tracking bills and keeping the office in a manageable state. My car and pocket book also start looking like I am a hoarder. I’m in a gray area right now because for a minute, I ran out of my medications. It is crazy how we can feel regular but in reality are plummeting downhill. Since getting my refill, I’m realizing that I definitely was doing that. My nightstand is stacked with unread books too. I tend to start buying lots of books when I’m feeling incredibly alone. Thankfully, the thrift store sells them cheap & will take them back as donations when I come to my senses that they are not getting read.

On that note, I am out -_- literally.

The Struggle Is Real

Currently, I’m listening to Judge Judy and avoiding blogging about budget friendly Poshmark ideas. It’s really difficult to plan out a blog in your head when your heart is somewhere else. That somewhere else is not in the land of organization. I used to avidly follow a Youtuber that had an entire channel based on cleaning. Last time I checked, she is still vacuuming away in her new all white house. It’s interesting how our perspective changes over time. I used to envy her house, success, and channel in general. I can’t even organize the stack of books on my nightstand. Like seriously, what was I thinking wanting a cleaning channel? Still today, I come down with a serious case of the “grass is greener on the other side” syndrome. It’s crazy the places our mind will take us. Being at peace, in my opinion, is the hardest state of mind to stay in. I’ve only ever reached it in a Yoga class several years ago.

I have FIVE bags of Goodwill items sitting on my office floor. I don’t even recall what is in them. Money & I have an extremely treacherous relationship. Whenever I have too much of it, meaning anything over $5, I feel an extreme need to spend it. It does not even make sense why a feeling of excitement is there, but it is. Even if it is just going to get Starbucks, it is satisfying. Though I don’t want to admit it, spending brings light to the darkness within me. It’s an escape, a drug, and a need all at the same time. This is why we should never judge others. We all have our escapes and in similar ways, they are dangerous.

To add a few positive bits, Valentines went well. My husband showed up with multicolored roses and an expensive French Eiffel Tower card he ordered from Amazon. Though he does not write often, when he does, it is always genuine & sweet. I’m not someone who feels appreciated very much. A lot of that is probably due to my mental illness, rather than it being the actual case. It always feels nice to read from him that I am. I will keep that card in my nightstand next to the Christmas one that I like to have access too. Things started going down hill though when he picked out a movie he thought I would absolutely love. It was called, P.S I Love You. He had actually seen it himself before and was assured it would be a good experience. Everything from the character’s relationship, to how death was handled, to the bar shots, to the “romantic” letters, etc, disgusted me. I wanted to rewrite the plot because it did not happen as it should have. If you could not tell already, that movie did not put me in a romantic mood at all. Actually, if we are being real, I was ready to rip up everyone’s roses halfway through it. The movie went off when I told him I could not take it anymore and that was the end of our romantic movie night. Next time, I choose the movie.

I wish I did not chew on my hair but I find myself doing it all the time. It’s an odd way to deal with anxiety. Why is it that if we move our mouths by chewing gum, food, lips, or hair, we feel life is more manageable? There are so many habits we have, as humans, that are quite strange. Women spend an ungodly amount of money on beauty products. My thing is usually sweet smelling body spray from Bath & Body Works. One fruity mist cost as much as a nice dinner. I swear that stuff makes us smell like a fruit, tropical drink, sun tan lotion, etc, for tops of 30 seconds before the scent completely vanishes. And yet, we continue to buy it. My excuse is that I buy it on sale. However, I stand by the fact that we are all completely insane.

All fingers crossed that we have found the house we want. Today, we went to see two different houses. It was funny because one my husband liked & the other one I liked. We got to go to my house first (don’t you love how I am already claiming it?). When we walked in, things smelled & looked normal. Considering our experiences lately, that is a positive. There was a music room, larger kitchen, fenced yard, gas fireplace, big tub, raised ceilings, nursery room, lots of light, double garage, and so on. This house was in a nice neighborhood towards the back, which would be safe for our pets. It also had four bedrooms which would be so beneficial with storage. Now let me tell you above the second house….

I continue to find it shocking the magic photographers can pull on these real-estate properties. The house my husband liked did look beautiful from the outside. One of the first things I noticed was that you had to drive down a very long rocky driveway, more like a road, to get to the house. The realtor said that the neighbors most likely maintained the road. The last thing I want to do is worry about caring for a drive way. My battery is already burned out. We walked up to the front of the house and almost sunk into the mud doing so. Apparently, the rain had caused the front lawn to turn marsh like. Upon doing calisthenics to get to the front door, we realized we were supposed to go in the side door. Fun Times. Once we entered the house I noticed the low ceilings. Then there was dirt smeared on many surfaces, edges, doors, etc. The fire place was located behind the sofa, which made total sense (NOT). I know my husband liked the yard, which makes sense considering he likes yard. But that was a no for me. He knows who he married & because of that he knew that house was not happening.

Anyway, after that delightful experience, we put an offer on the first house. Currently, there are no other offers on this house. We found out that the home had a small termite infestation, which does sound disgusting. But they have hired someone to treat it & we would get a termite bond with the house to make sure the problem is taken care of. The last thing I want is a termite house, believe me. I just felt like this was the right house when I considered everything though. The owners are building a house & are not ready to leave theirs yet. If we get this home, this will give us time to help move my granddad, pack us, and then move. I wish we had enough to go on a cruise and pay people to pack us. Moving is incredibly miserable & exhausting. I’m in need of an easier lifestyle, less stress, and more opportunities to meet people. It has been so long since I have had a friend to talk to that I’m about to make friends with the ceramic Pikachu bank next to me. He looks friendly.