ptsd

ZONK DAY

Today is such a zonk day. It has been raining since I believe yesterday. What has gotten accomplished today……

Coffee- made by my husband

Poptarts- made by me

Church- which consisted of us both lying horizontally on the couch

Cleaning up Jeremy’s upstairs old office area so that at some point I can take pictures there-me

Bed was made- me

Took shower/straightened hair-me

I decided to pick out another comfortable pair of pajamas. Let’s be for real, these are the best outfits in the world. They are soft, baggy, and relaxing. Why are we not wearing these all the dam time? I bet people would not be so stressed out. I did put on a little makeup but decided to xnay the mascara and eye brow pencil. I mean, those two things are a little intense for knowing I’m not going to be leaving the house. The past few days I have felt sick & weak. Yesterday, I tried to rest a lot. I’ve taken my vitamins, drank emergen C, water, rested more, and prayed to God this would pass. Whenever I fall asleep at random times during the day is never a good sign. Very thankful that tomorrow is a holiday and that there is no mail. This means that I get an extra day to package up my orders.

I made a mind blowing great sale on Ebay over the past few days. I’m not going to go into what it was because I have learned that giving away certain things is not a good idea. However, I learned a lesson. That is to keep my eye out for things I would not expect to look for. Always do research on them too. You may just be holding a gem.

I’m hungry but on days like today, cooking is not happening. My cooking has gone very down hill lately, as I have just not felt up to doing it AT ALL. I’ve also noticed that sometimes I skip lunch or breakfast and remember this at some point during the day. I did ask a Depression Facebook group I joined about easy snacks to make that take little to no effort. People had a lot of good ideas, which I appreciated.

About to head down to preheat the oven. I bet my husband and can, Snuggs, are still laying horizontal. Though I am in no way a lover of pizza, thank goodness for it. It’s so dam easy.

Nightmares

Last night I had a long nightmare about trying to get away from someone. I first tried to reason with them, then console them, and then escape them. Apparently, the house caught on fire and the person that was chasing me was downstairs, while I hid in the attic. I have no knowledge of how the fire started but I know I was in a desperate state to survive. The person chasing me, ended up living. This is important to note because I am not a killer. Not even in my nightmares. Not even too that which chases me. You don’t have much control (if any) when you are asleep though. And yet, I still take these horrific visions I have personally.

What I do know is that my nightmares are tied to my past. I’m aware of who is chasing me, though I will not write their name. They don’t deserve the satisfaction that they are still somehow victimizing me. They come to me often at night, since they can’t get close during the day. Waking up from these kinds of nights is awful. My hair is a hot tangled mess. I’m exhausted beyond belief. And the morning has not even started. I actually fell back asleep after getting up this morning. Thankfully, I woke up in time to set a short alarm before my counseling appointment.

I’m so tired of running, grief, and lack of understanding. It’s hard to figure out if I isolate myself or if the world isolates itself from me. Nature and sunshine is definitely calming, when I gather the strength to be in it. It rained yesterday though so I think everything is wet out there. So is my soul. My husband is on a business call, laundry needs to be done, dishes are stacking up, things need to get packed…. fuck. I am over it. Change. Rollercoasters. And trying to figure out how to survive them both. I’ve started having chronic headaches which is fun. I’m pretty sure that my brain is trying to explode from stress.

Brain Overload & Goodwill

It is hard to describe how it feels to be me. I can describe the weather, my pets personalities, or my husbands habits. But putting energy into giving myself a definition is not something I know how to do. I can tell you that I feel overloaded. With exhaustion. With stress. With sadness. With confusion. I’ve started having regular headaches daily which has been thrilling. (NOT) When I upped my medications a few weeks ago I started to get them. After a week of trying to push through it, I gave up and went back to my normal dose. Unfortunately, the headaches did not stop. It is 3:30 PM and I want to get in the bed and lay there until tomorrow.

This is fun times considering we are moving starting tomorrow. Thankfully, last week I was able to put items into plastic containers that we got from Target. There are still things to be packed though. I would not be surprised if I just put them all into a basket and have them ride co-pilot with me over to the new house. I’m literally at that point where I don’t know what to do. Hopefully, tonight I will find strength to pack more.

Our Cocker Spaniel, Charlie, is laying on the ground wagging his little nubby tail in his sleep. It’s so dam cute. Why can’t I have dreams like that? Nightmares are all I ever have. Someone is always dying, getting hurt, tortured, I’m being chased, etc. What would a dogs version of a nightmare be? Charlie’s would probably be his inability to reach a tennis ball that he can clearly see. Like the squirrel in Ice Age, always chasing after the nut that gets away. Lucky for Charlie, he clearly found his tennis ball in today’s dream.

The book I’m reading is “That’s Mental.” It is relatable and funny, which I am enjoying. I can only read it in small doses though because it is so relatable. It’s almost as if I am reliving or being taught about mental illness. Even on my best day, that does not sound like my idea of a good time. I do think it is important though to educate myself on topics that apply to my life. Being informed helps me feel less alone. More sane if you will. That in and of itself is worth reading the book.

Goodwill has FINALLY opened back up. If that is not cause for a celebration, I do not know what is. It is refreshing just to be in an environment where I can focus on other things (that are not my emotions). Like being amongst the books. There is something magically unsaid about surrounding yourself with characters & stories. When I used to work in childcare, I learned about “redirecting” children when they are acting out as opposed to punishing. You could say that the thrift store is my redirection.

Sadly, my husband no longer enjoyed thrift shopping. We both used to get into doing it but times have changed. People’s interests change. I of all people should know that. Everyday, I seem to like a new set of things. Thankfully, thrift shopping has been pretty consistent in my life. It’s just hard not having friends to ever go with. On a daily basis, I tend to feel very alone. Most of that is my illness. Some of it is my reality. It’s hard to separate the two.

As far as what we got from the thrift store…. well….. several items. Somehow, the massive world globe for $4.99 had to come home with us. Along with a plant stand, set of galvanized angel wings (thanks to my husband finding them), brass horse, metal beaded flower, books, etc. We also stopped at a second Goodwill in SC and picked up a few more items. Currently, I can’t even remember what we got. Then today, we went back a 2nd time to one of the Goodwills. I spent under $9 on some books. Can you tell that I have a thing for buying books? When I am stressed, I want all the books. Or the true crime & advice ones anyway. My husband went outside to play on his phone while I finished looking at the books. He tries to be very patient with me but I can tell when he wants to go home.

Making a goal list may help me not go lay down. So let’s see, tonight I will pack (at least) 4 boxes. I will feed the pets. I will go get my husbands car with him that is at Firestone. I will work in my business journal some, if I can come up with some new ideas. Or anything for that matter. Ready. Set. Go! (Not) But I will do those things. Because I said I will. And strength is one of the few things I seem to always be able to reach for when in desperation. Or exhaustion. Or whatever the hell this is.

UPDATE: I did pick up my husband’s car with him (we also ran by another Goodwill…), I packed several boxes (more than 4!!), I fed all the pets, and am about to go lay down. I’m going to bring my business notebook in there with me even though I have no idea what to write. Having depression is like having rusty wheels in your brain. They literally don’t want to turn, even though they have a story to tell.