Nightmares

Last night I had a long nightmare about trying to get away from someone. I first tried to reason with them, then console them, and then escape them. Apparently, the house caught on fire and the person that was chasing me was downstairs, while I hid in the attic. I have no knowledge of how the fire started but I know I was in a desperate state to survive. The person chasing me, ended up living. This is important to note because I am not a killer. Not even in my nightmares. Not even too that which chases me. You don’t have much control (if any) when you are asleep though. And yet, I still take these horrific visions I have personally.

What I do know is that my nightmares are tied to my past. I’m aware of who is chasing me, though I will not write their name. They don’t deserve the satisfaction that they are still somehow victimizing me. They come to me often at night, since they can’t get close during the day. Waking up from these kinds of nights is awful. My hair is a hot tangled mess. I’m exhausted beyond belief. And the morning has not even started. I actually fell back asleep after getting up this morning. Thankfully, I woke up in time to set a short alarm before my counseling appointment.

I’m so tired of running, grief, and lack of understanding. It’s hard to figure out if I isolate myself or if the world isolates itself from me. Nature and sunshine is definitely calming, when I gather the strength to be in it. It rained yesterday though so I think everything is wet out there. So is my soul. My husband is on a business call, laundry needs to be done, dishes are stacking up, things need to get packed…. fuck. I am over it. Change. Rollercoasters. And trying to figure out how to survive them both. I’ve started having chronic headaches which is fun. I’m pretty sure that my brain is trying to explode from stress.

Suffering From Depression

The thing about depression is that some days I feel nothing. On those days, I’m confused and feel guilty for the lack of emotion towards that which is dear to me. The other days are like tonight (to be exact 11 PM), where everything hurts. Especially my heart. During nights like this I just lay in the dark and cry. I miss people I can’t bring back. It’s not just that I miss them but I need them. Grief is overwhelming in that it kills you from the inside out. When people actually notice I’m in pain, it is because I’m overflowing with it. The pressure is so great that my eyes leak out the loss.

Emotionally, I am so very lonely. My husband is a dear friend and I do not know how I would have ever made it this far without him. Something I have learned in life though is that people can’t be everything for me. Or better yet, I should not ask them to be. They can’t carry the weight of my grief. No one can fulfill or understand every need. Hell, I don’t even understand what I need. Some wounds were made before I can even remember. Over time, these injuries have turned into scars that still hurt from time to time. I’m human. I ask why and cry because it feels unfair. God knows whats in my heart. Despite everything I’ve been through, I know He has always been by my side.

I miss seeing the sun. Where we live it rains all the time. Rain feels gloomy and sad. Instead of being relaxing it has become an expected event. I took the sun for granted before we moved. There needs to be color & light. My soul needs that. Yesterday, I wanted to learn to sew. Today, I wanted to learn to make stained glass. Basically, I need f*cking creative relief.

I’m also burned out from trying to be good enough at anything. A person that is “successful” or better yet, at least feels that way. It’s a very hard journey. Just trying to find myself is one of the most challenging things I’ve ever done. Some days, I’m organized and able to see a clear path. Others, everything is a disaster and I’m no longer interested in what I was the day before. I’m not sure what causes me to want to cook, create, read, and then hate the idea of doing those things again. Is it an anxiety thing? I can’t even stick to one form of art without getting frustrated and moving onto the next idea. Pinterest is a relief because it allows me to pin hundreds of ideas that, at some point, I may like again.

Things that are making me sad right now are that:

It is 11:12. I forgot to make a wish at 11:11

My health is pretty much fucked

My grandmother is gone

My biological dad. Just everything.

Lack of friendship

Loneliness

Feeling overwhelmed

I like lists. What can I say. At least the word “like” is somewhere in this post.

Is it better to feel everything or to feel nothing? I wish I could find some form of middle ground where I could just deal with things. Maybe the longer I am in therapy, I will learn how to do this. I’ve noticed that I’ve started picking at my lip. Also, for a while now, my nail polish has become extremely chipped before I will take it off. My car gets cleaned less and often has things thrown around in it. In these small things, I can see the progression of depression and the effects it has on me. It’s scary and I’m tired. So tired.

Morning Rituals & A Mouse For Breakfast

My insomnia from the flu & depression has kicked up a notch. The result has been that I’ve read a lot more Pinterest articles on how to improve life. I would be doing a disservice to you to not mention a few of these blog posts that have inspired me. Click on the title to be taken to the article. The first being 5 Morning Rituals For A Magical Day . I can see how my lack of rituals takes a tole on my depression. It’s hard enough to get out of bed but when that is accomplished, what is it I’m supposed to do? If that does not sound like the laziest thing ever then I don’t know what does so we are going to move on quickly…Clearly, I need rituals. The second article being The Importance Of A Sacred Space & How To Create One. What I loved about these articles is that they give you a variety of ideas on how to create peace in your day. There is no set in stone answer about finding it, but these get you on the right track.

As far as morning rituals go, there is one thing I can always count on. My cat, Snuggs, does not miss a beat when it comes to staring me out of bed.

His whiskers are so long that they do not even fit in the frame. Lately, he has been more patient with me and has postponed his clawing the bedside as a last resort. Snuggs, I believe, understands that I have depression. I’ve read that cats can tell whether your temperature is a couple of degrees off or if you have a disease like cancer. Correct me if I am wrong but I think it has something to do with your body chemistry that they smell. I tried to research whether cats know we have Depression. The majority of all the results were of articles on if our cat, in fact, has depression. Not exactly what I was going for. Not to say it could not happen but my cats seem more stable than me on their average day (whatever that is exactly). I asked Alexa “does my cat know if I have Depression?” She literally malfunctioned. And people think technology is so smart….

I read a really interesting article on WordPress the other day. Of course, I did not save it so I had to search it out again. Click on the title to take a look “Lavender-Infused Bullshit: A Post On Supporting Loved Ones With Mental Illness” . First off, I am obsessed with the title because it just literally grabs your eyeballs. This article is about appropriate gifts to give someone struggling with mental illness. I’ve thought about a lot of things, but this is not one of them. The writer definitely had an understanding of my condition & what would truly be helpful. One of the things she wrote about was food. Sending food or something you have prepared to drop off. I swear, cats just KNOW. This morning, right on the front doorstep, I found the tiniest little delivery.

My sweet black cat, Dahlia, must have been reading the same article I had been. This just goes to show how everyone’s perception of things is different. Instead of being very upset with her, I instead felt gratitude that she thought enough of me to catch me breakfast. I’m sure it took effort and that she was quite proud. I gave Dahlia a soft cat treat and secretly snuck my “breakfast” into a trash bag outside. Such a sweet little mouse. I feel sad that you had to lose your life but hope you know, it did mean something. It reminded me that I was thought of, and in my world, that is a big deal.

Everything Is Gray

I see my past play out in other peoples lives. There is a great need within me to save myself & them from what I know is to come. This need comes in the form of a rage that I set things on fire with. It’s incredibly suffocating living in this gray area. I can’t change the past nor the future. I’m stuck drowning in this abyss of a gray area in between the two. The world has lost all of its color. I’ve never given up searching for it in art, fabrics, and photographs. Where I live, the skies are always gray. People are gray. The grass is gray. I’m sad for the world. I believe there was a time it was beautiful. One day, maybe someone will paint it again.

Poshmark: 8 Orders 1 NIGHT

Tonight, I feel like I should have had several cups of coffee. I’m trying to limit my caffeine intake so I survived off a few bottles of water. Fun times. I packaged up 8 Poshmark, Mercari, And Ebay Orders tonight. Currently, my Ikea bag is full to the brim with boxes & polymailers. Don’t ask me what I packaged, I’m too tired to remember. It’s a tough thing when I vent about reselling because, on the one hand, I am thankful to HAVE orders. I’ve had those days where I literally was waiting for any sign of one. Literally wanting to yell “Is anyone alive out there?” If you are a reseller, I am sure you can relate. Recently, I changed up my pricing strategy. Basically, I gave the hell up on my last strategy to profit a good amount off each item. By a good amount, I mean at least $10. Let me tell you, you could hear crickets in my closet when I tried that plan out.

I’m coming to a place where I am realizing that people want simplicity. Customers enjoy an easy to browse closet that contains a variety of items. Since Poshmark decided to hike up their prices (higher than the high rise jeans girls wear today) customers are now looking to pay bottom dollar for items. This means basically that I am screwed. Seriously. As a reseller, it cost so much money to acquire inventory when you are selling clothes. It does depend on where you live, but from what I can tell the prices are sky rocketing at all goodwills all over the country. I’m backing off from selling clothes. It’s too dam expensive to pay $4-$5 for one item that I have to hope will sell soon after. I’m now looking more into selling plush, throw pillows, home decor, coffee mugs, art, and basically anything of quality that I can get for under $3. Goodwill, I hope you are not reading this…. so help me if throw pillows go to $10 a pop.

For a while, I had categories in my closet because I thought it looked nice to split up items. I now think though that this may distract and confuse the customer because unfortunately, my category thumbnails are not always where they are supposed to be. When you share things on Poshmark, everything goes to the top. Somehow I always manage to miss a few items though, causing my closet to be a scramble of things. Tonight, the categories were deleted. I also changed my prices to nicer looking numbers. Maybe you are laughing. There are people out there though that like to see numbers like $10, $15, $20 and so on. As opposed to $6, $17, $89. The majority of items in my closet are priced between $15-$50. There are a few pieces of art that do jump higher but overall, that is the range. So far, two people have bundled a lot of items that they did not purchase. One person stated under my add that my item was from the Dollar Tree. Don’t you just love how customers love to help you advertise? -_- (That comment will go away because I flagged it.) One person on Poshmark purchased a vintage ceramic cat from me for $20. Another bought a Haagar jacket for $13 that I would never purchase again. On Mercari, my Disney Maui Plush sold for $9. His tattoos are cute but not enough for me to buy him again. I’ve had a Poshmark potential customer ask for measurements of an item. I swear, whenever that happens, people never purchase. I often wonder how people have the time to know their exact measurements. That is just me being tired and judgemental. Anyway, so far, that is what is happening. Success or no? I’m not exactly sure.

Tonight, while laying horizontally, I will make a thumbnail for this blog post. It was not a priority tonight though. Getting on the treadmill however was. In January I was SO motivated to exercise, go to the gym, and drink lots of water. What happens to people in February ? It is like I have multiple personalities when it comes to working out. This month has been very difficult and I’ve been off track daily. I’m still drinking bottled water but not as much. I need to put more energy into that because I can see how it makes me stay full. Last night I also got on the treadmill & thought I was on a roll. Tonight, a sloth looks energized compared to me. It’s 11 PM & I just don’t think walking for 30 minutes is going to happen. I will have to make sure it gets done tomorrow. I love being organized but have realized that I struggle greatly with it. When my depression gets bad, I lose track of tracking bills and keeping the office in a manageable state. My car and pocket book also start looking like I am a hoarder. I’m in a gray area right now because for a minute, I ran out of my medications. It is crazy how we can feel regular but in reality are plummeting downhill. Since getting my refill, I’m realizing that I definitely was doing that. My nightstand is stacked with unread books too. I tend to start buying lots of books when I’m feeling incredibly alone. Thankfully, the thrift store sells them cheap & will take them back as donations when I come to my senses that they are not getting read.

On that note, I am out -_- literally.

House Hunting Humor

Today has been one of those days where I am unsure whether to laugh or cry. House hunting is nothing like they make it seem on TV. You know those shows where they give the potential buyers three beautiful homes to choose from? In my book, that is one of the most unrealistic things I have ever seen. My husband and I are searching for an (ideally) four bedroom home to buy in the South Carolina area. We want a home in a safe neighborhood, with a fire place, kitchen we can turn around in, bathtub that our entire body can fit in, and a yard for our dogs. Turns out, I think it would be easier to discover a cave full of gold.

We live near Charlotte, NC where, according to my husband, people want to live because it is full of businesses. Though this may be true, I still do not understand the appeal. I am from Charleston, SC where there are beaches within driving distance, colorful historical homes, and a pleasurable downtown to shop in. Let me put it this way, I did not know where I lived. When I moved away, I realized all that I took for granted. In my mind, I assumed traveling would be fun. Don’t we all just want to escape sometimes? I thought surely, the grass would be greener on the other side. Turns out, not only is the grass dead but it has frozen from the weather.

My husband and I though are sticking it out because he has a good job here. Part of being married is that you are partners. Meaning, I don’t always get my way. However, when it comes to house hunting, I do have a list of things that I do not want to compromise on. We recently hired a new realtor which has already been a refreshing breath of air. Even with realtors though, for some reason, I’m always the one to discover the houses of interest online. I found one in a desirable neighborhood that I was excited to see. From the pictures, it looked like it had a lot of the amenities we were looking for. There was a 2nd house my husband wanted us to take a look at too. This house looked larger and had a swimming pool. Here is how it went….

The first house was in a pretty neighborhood. There were no trailers, cars . parked in people’s grass, or lawn ornaments. This made sense considering this neighborhood was part of an HOA. However, what was not in an HOA was the inside of the house that was for sale. As soon as I stepped through the door, I literally got hit in the face with the most intense smell of cat urine I have ever experienced in my life. This is coming from someone that used to work as a Veterinary Assistant. I’m a very expressive person so my first comment was literally “WHAT AM I SMELLING?” “DO YALL SMELL THAT?” I’m sure the realtor knew things were going downhill at that point. They both agreed that, there was in fact a smell to the house. This smell traveled with me into each room. I met the culprit curled up sweetly in the upstairs bedroom in the form of a little brown cat. Of course, when I turned away, my husband decided to cradle this house spraying cat in his arms. You have to love a man that loves animals that much though. I decided to keep my husband and say no to the house.

Thinking surely, the next house would be better, we traveled in that direction. I began to feel like I was going to have a psychotic break if I did not get a cup of coffee so my husband and I made a detour to a Starbucks. When we got to the neighborhood of the 2nd house I could tell it was not an HOA. It was one of those neighborhoods you have to get through after passing by some sketchy places. The houses on the street did not look cookie cutter, there was no pool, and there was just a general feeling that cops did not live there. All of which are not deal breakers in my book. I do, however, need to like the house. When I saw the house I had to do a double take at the information sheet about it. I could tell they did some major editing on the shade of blue the house was supposed to be. There was a front porch swing which, later, almost broke when my husband sat on it. Upon entering the house, I immediately felt very confused. The garage had been converted into a room. But I believe the room had cement floors. Behind this room was another very tiny room. The realtor joked that this is where the owners committed the murders. So as you can see, things were going well. The downstairs had one more room, which was a long rectangular shape, with a fire place, and a small area the couch may have fit in. Thats it. We were all quiet because we were so confused at the layout at this house. Upstairs, none of the floors matched in color. The bathrooms were tiny, white, and awful. There were random tiny rooms sprinkled all over the place. One of which had absolutely no closest. The kitchen counters did not even line up. Turns out, the most normal thing in the house was that there was a covered pool outside. When my husband and the realtor were looking at this I went back in the house to process what I was seeing. The living room was next to the garage. The bedrooms were as small as jail cells. The floors not only did not match but were poorly installed. The house just was eerie. It reminded me of the H.H.Holmes murder castle. On the bright side though, the sellers were very motivated to sell. I was, however, very motivated to get out of their house.

I am recording this because I hope, one day, we can look back and laugh at the things we went through to get situated. The struggle is truly real when it comes to house hunting. It is so important to take everything into account when you view a house because you are going to have to live there. Not only does the house matter but the neighborhood matters too. We are going to continue looking at what comes available. I have high expectations that if we continue to find houses like the ones we viewed today, we will continue to rent.

Suffering From Burnout

Is it possible to have a spirit coffee mug? If so, I found mine at a thrift store. What is funny is that just about everything in my life operates in the low battery red zone. My phone is constantly gasping for its last breath. The gas tank in my car is always quite dehydrated too. More than that though, my emotional state can be configured into a battery with a few drips of life left.

Being an adult sucks. It really does. I am not sure what age you become an “official” adult but I know many of us had to grow up too soon. When I should have been secure & supported (at least emotionally), I had to survive. Let me tell you, this is one of the hardest strength training exercises you will ever go through. Often, I have heard or even said myself, “that made me stronger.” Did it really though? I feel like we have to say that so that we do not resort to screaming “I’m tired as all hell of this shit life is throwing at me.”

Currently, there are several challenging things happening in my life that are probably putting me in this positive mindset this morning (not). I woke up to finding out we had been outbid by three other people on a house my husband & I were trying to buy. So there goes that. I walked into the laundry room and stepped in cat vomit liquid. That always sets the day off to a good start. I’m suffering from crazy exhaustion & cramps. I’m out of space to store my Poshmark breakable items. Currently they are lined up on the floor. The sink is full of dishes, there is laundry to be folded, the bed is not made, I need to go buy a box to mail an order……I can’t even right now…. And of course, my phone is dead.