suicide

Everything Is Gray

I see my past play out in other peoples lives. There is a great need within me to save myself & them from what I know is to come. This need comes in the form of a rage that I set things on fire with. It’s incredibly suffocating living in this gray area. I can’t change the past nor the future. I’m stuck drowning in this abyss of a gray area in between the two. The world has lost all of its color. I’ve never given up searching for it in art, fabrics, and photographs. Where I live, the skies are always gray. People are gray. The grass is gray. I’m sad for the world. I believe there was a time it was beautiful. One day, maybe someone will paint it again.

Poshmark: 8 Orders 1 NIGHT

Tonight, I feel like I should have had several cups of coffee. I’m trying to limit my caffeine intake so I survived off a few bottles of water. Fun times. I packaged up 8 Poshmark, Mercari, And Ebay Orders tonight. Currently, my Ikea bag is full to the brim with boxes & polymailers. Don’t ask me what I packaged, I’m too tired to remember. It’s a tough thing when I vent about reselling because, on the one hand, I am thankful to HAVE orders. I’ve had those days where I literally was waiting for any sign of one. Literally wanting to yell “Is anyone alive out there?” If you are a reseller, I am sure you can relate. Recently, I changed up my pricing strategy. Basically, I gave the hell up on my last strategy to profit a good amount off each item. By a good amount, I mean at least $10. Let me tell you, you could hear crickets in my closet when I tried that plan out.

I’m coming to a place where I am realizing that people want simplicity. Customers enjoy an easy to browse closet that contains a variety of items. Since Poshmark decided to hike up their prices (higher than the high rise jeans girls wear today) customers are now looking to pay bottom dollar for items. This means basically that I am screwed. Seriously. As a reseller, it cost so much money to acquire inventory when you are selling clothes. It does depend on where you live, but from what I can tell the prices are sky rocketing at all goodwills all over the country. I’m backing off from selling clothes. It’s too dam expensive to pay $4-$5 for one item that I have to hope will sell soon after. I’m now looking more into selling plush, throw pillows, home decor, coffee mugs, art, and basically anything of quality that I can get for under $3. Goodwill, I hope you are not reading this…. so help me if throw pillows go to $10 a pop.

For a while, I had categories in my closet because I thought it looked nice to split up items. I now think though that this may distract and confuse the customer because unfortunately, my category thumbnails are not always where they are supposed to be. When you share things on Poshmark, everything goes to the top. Somehow I always manage to miss a few items though, causing my closet to be a scramble of things. Tonight, the categories were deleted. I also changed my prices to nicer looking numbers. Maybe you are laughing. There are people out there though that like to see numbers like $10, $15, $20 and so on. As opposed to $6, $17, $89. The majority of items in my closet are priced between $15-$50. There are a few pieces of art that do jump higher but overall, that is the range. So far, two people have bundled a lot of items that they did not purchase. One person stated under my add that my item was from the Dollar Tree. Don’t you just love how customers love to help you advertise? -_- (That comment will go away because I flagged it.) One person on Poshmark purchased a vintage ceramic cat from me for $20. Another bought a Haagar jacket for $13 that I would never purchase again. On Mercari, my Disney Maui Plush sold for $9. His tattoos are cute but not enough for me to buy him again. I’ve had a Poshmark potential customer ask for measurements of an item. I swear, whenever that happens, people never purchase. I often wonder how people have the time to know their exact measurements. That is just me being tired and judgemental. Anyway, so far, that is what is happening. Success or no? I’m not exactly sure.

Tonight, while laying horizontally, I will make a thumbnail for this blog post. It was not a priority tonight though. Getting on the treadmill however was. In January I was SO motivated to exercise, go to the gym, and drink lots of water. What happens to people in February ? It is like I have multiple personalities when it comes to working out. This month has been very difficult and I’ve been off track daily. I’m still drinking bottled water but not as much. I need to put more energy into that because I can see how it makes me stay full. Last night I also got on the treadmill & thought I was on a roll. Tonight, a sloth looks energized compared to me. It’s 11 PM & I just don’t think walking for 30 minutes is going to happen. I will have to make sure it gets done tomorrow. I love being organized but have realized that I struggle greatly with it. When my depression gets bad, I lose track of tracking bills and keeping the office in a manageable state. My car and pocket book also start looking like I am a hoarder. I’m in a gray area right now because for a minute, I ran out of my medications. It is crazy how we can feel regular but in reality are plummeting downhill. Since getting my refill, I’m realizing that I definitely was doing that. My nightstand is stacked with unread books too. I tend to start buying lots of books when I’m feeling incredibly alone. Thankfully, the thrift store sells them cheap & will take them back as donations when I come to my senses that they are not getting read.

On that note, I am out -_- literally.

5 Things That Help Depression

I wanted to write about this topic because most days, I fight to remember what helps with my Depression. I’m familiar with isolation, low functioning, lack of organization, being triggered, and feeling defeated. On most days, I am not ok. I’m holding it together or swallowing all that pain down. If I knew a cure for mental illness, you better believe I would type my fingers off to explain it to you. But, I don’t. What I do have is a few tips that I have implemented in my life to bring comfort to my soul. I hope that they inspire you to look beyond your darkness and find a few stars.

1. Counseling. The first time I wrote this paragraph I ended up deleting everything. Being completely raw, let me just put it out there that I completely agree our insurance situation in America is fucked up. More often than not, those that want insurance, have to pay dearly for it. It is not fair, I agree. With that being said, seeking counsel is the first thing on my list that has truly helped me understand myself. From experience, I feel it is better to go to a clinic that has a sliding scale (income based) then to not go. Mental illness goes far beyond stress & sadness. It takes us to a place of darkness where we are crawling to find our way out. Counselors that are educated and experienced with mental illness can use a light to help guide us back. Trust me, everyone needs that at some point.

2. Scheduling & Organization are two things that are very challenging for me. And yet, I get extreme relief when I am able to simplify my life. This is probably a personality thing but for me, clutter and chaos make my depression worse. It makes doing basic things harder. Meaning my goals literally fly out the window, if I even opened the windows that is. Having a notebook to write down what you want to get done during the day can help. If you are a visual person, use a Hobby Lobby coupon and get yourself a large white board. Set up a command station where you can write & literally check off your tasks as you do them. I need to invest in another board to do this.

3. Exercise. You know those incredibly motivated people you see taking a jog out in the freezing cold rain? Yeah, I am not talking about their crazy asses. I mean if that is your thing, go for it. When I say exercise though, I mean doing something that makes you move. For me, it is getting on my treadmill, listening to loud music, and trying to drown out the world. Yoga has helped me in the past to be able to relax and center myself. For some, exercise may mean getting out of bed and walking out to get the mail. Don’t compare yourself to others because we never win that way. Create healthy habits that you do every day. And one day, I truly believe, it will get easier.

4. Journaling/Reading. My counselor inspired me to start a few different journals. You may be sitting there thinking, I don’t even have one. That was me as well a little while back. I was advised to start a positive, negative, and religious journal. I could write in any of the categories, at any time, as long as I separated them. The goal was to eventually need the negative journal less. Sometimes I do better with journaling than others. If I am having a good day, I tend to be able to write out positive & negative thoughts. If it is a bad one, I lack a desire to find a pen. I’m just being real. But writing helps me express a great deal of emotional weight I have enslaved myself too. I’m adding reading as well because there is nothing like being able to get away from reality. Reality is unbelievably over rated. I wish I could jump into characters life and see the world as they do. Thrift stores are great places to find books. And if you hate to read, I inspire you to try different types of books. I love true crime, biography, and conspiracy theory books. Hand me a fantasy novel and you better threaten me with shoving bamboo shoots up my nails for me to start reading.

5. Youtube Channel Videos. This last topic is one you probably did not expect. I really don’t promote social media as a main outlet for Depression. However, I have to say that having created a YouTube vlog channel for myself a few years ago was a good decision. It connected me with others who could identify with mental illness and those that also had similar interests. If you are not someone that wants to share your life, I totally get that. It may greatly help you though to search for videos on YouTube about others struggling with mental illness. You will learn quickly that you are not alone. If nothing else, I hope this gives you strength. ASMR is also a resource you can find on Youtube. If certain soft sounds like whispering, tapping, book reading, etc, relax you then look up GraceV. She brings my anxiety from a 10 to a 1. There are many ASMR channels out there so make sure you look into this.

I realize that this has been a long blog. If you have made it to this point, know that I appreciate it. If you personally cannot use this information, maybe there will come a time in your life where you can share it. If we each share resources & stories, then one day, maybe we can all beat this illness together. My heart goes out to you if you are struggling with symptoms that are overwhelming or that you do not understand. Try lots of different things and I hope at some point you can make a list of things that bring you peace. No matter what, keep fighting for the good days.

Surviving Mental Illness

The majority of my life can be described in these three title words, “Surviving Mental Illness.” There is much I do not understand about this condition but I know for a fact these things:

-There is almost non existent affordable help for those suffering from depression, anxiety, and other mental illnesses. Hope comes in the form of an insurance card, which so few can afford today.

-Take away someone’s hope and the only light they see is coming from the door under death.

-Society continues not to acknowledge the mental illness epidemic in America. Those who suffer only have life lines with others that are in the same boat. Everyone in this category though is sick, burned out, and fighting to breath. The boat is drowning.

-Being a YouTube Channel Creator, I know for a fact that videos on mental illness get demonetized immediately. Brands with commercials will not align themselves with others rallying to save lives. And yet, their commercials are often about changing lives. Do you see the irony?

I want to know when the world is going to wake up and realize that we live in the UNITED States. We stand on the soil of a free country and have exposure to tools (like social media) that can be used to inform, counsel, and support each other. People that commit suicide are just like you and me. They have made people smile, broken hearts, sought out peace, changed others minds, traveled to new places, lost loved ones, created art, and so much more. Can’t you find yourself in them? Acknowledge that Mental Illness is real and rally for reform. People with these illnesses, including myself, should not always have to live in the silent background of a tragedy.