surviving depression

ZONK DAY

Today is such a zonk day. It has been raining since I believe yesterday. What has gotten accomplished today……

Coffee- made by my husband

Poptarts- made by me

Church- which consisted of us both lying horizontally on the couch

Cleaning up Jeremy’s upstairs old office area so that at some point I can take pictures there-me

Bed was made- me

Took shower/straightened hair-me

I decided to pick out another comfortable pair of pajamas. Let’s be for real, these are the best outfits in the world. They are soft, baggy, and relaxing. Why are we not wearing these all the dam time? I bet people would not be so stressed out. I did put on a little makeup but decided to xnay the mascara and eye brow pencil. I mean, those two things are a little intense for knowing I’m not going to be leaving the house. The past few days I have felt sick & weak. Yesterday, I tried to rest a lot. I’ve taken my vitamins, drank emergen C, water, rested more, and prayed to God this would pass. Whenever I fall asleep at random times during the day is never a good sign. Very thankful that tomorrow is a holiday and that there is no mail. This means that I get an extra day to package up my orders.

I made a mind blowing great sale on Ebay over the past few days. I’m not going to go into what it was because I have learned that giving away certain things is not a good idea. However, I learned a lesson. That is to keep my eye out for things I would not expect to look for. Always do research on them too. You may just be holding a gem.

I’m hungry but on days like today, cooking is not happening. My cooking has gone very down hill lately, as I have just not felt up to doing it AT ALL. I’ve also noticed that sometimes I skip lunch or breakfast and remember this at some point during the day. I did ask a Depression Facebook group I joined about easy snacks to make that take little to no effort. People had a lot of good ideas, which I appreciated.

About to head down to preheat the oven. I bet my husband and can, Snuggs, are still laying horizontal. Though I am in no way a lover of pizza, thank goodness for it. It’s so dam easy.

Balancing

I feel like I am balancing balls. Except, they are fireballs with spikes. I’m juggling them while I am on a bike, that I don’t know how to ride. I bought coffee a few hours ago and heated it up once already. I just tried it and it is cold. Fuck my life. It’s been mentally exhausting lately with counseling, healing, trust issues, and everything else that goes along with the quote, “the struggle is real.”

If anything, I have come to know that nothing gets better unless work is done. One must own their actions, learn from them, and use that knowledge to build themselves up higher. What I do not have a tolerance for is when people decide to not do those things. To put it nicely, they prefer to sit in their shit. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been there. Some days, I am still there. What gives me hope is the days where I feel progress has been made. Currently, my recovery progress is being hindered by other things and people in my life. I sympathize with mental illness and support anyone who is going through it. Dealing with conditions like Depression, Anxiety, PTSD, Bipolar, Manic Depression, Etc, I feel is one of the hardest things to explain. It’s a sickness that is invisible to others. And yet so painful to survive.

I’m in counseling and plan to be for a very long time. As is my husband. Out of respect for my marriage and him, I do not discuss in detail a lot of the things that I witness or feel related to his illness. I just want to say lately that it has been hard. To the point that I felt I was hitting a breaking point emotionally because I am so burned out. My counselor explained that it was important to get the ball back into his court so that I did not have to carry both. His counselor agreed today that one person cannot carry another. I can’t lie, I’m thankful they acknowledged that. We talked with his counselor today a while over the phone. I’m encouraged after the conversation and feel that there is a better support network there than I previously thought.

After this though, I wrote out notes about tomorrows session with one of his doctors. I also typed out an outline of today’s counseling session for us to hold onto. This is something I have even yet to do for my own counseling sessions. He came in to see what I was doing and then was about to leave the room. I asked if he appreciated that I did this stuff for him. He said that he did and gave me a hug & kiss. It sucks I always have to ask him to get that kind of response. I do not know why it is not obvious that I am fighting to save him, when I should be fighting for myself. In a marriage though, I do believe there comes a time where you need to lean on one another. Too many people these days give up, walk out, or turn to holding hostility against the other. I’ve always wanted my marriage to be much different than this. I love my husband and find him to have wonderful qualities. His heart is good, his hands are gentle, his eyes are curious, and he has some hilarious socks. Giving up or walking out are not something I consider as options. Finding resources, reaching out, and using any strength I have to help him is on the table though.

The difficult thing is, where does that leave me mentally ? When I am not ok, who is taking care of me? Or better yet, who is even noticing? I have a Mother’s With Narcissism book that I am supposed to be reading for my therapy. I’ve read very little of it. Also, the majority of my counseling sessions are now taken up discussing my husband and how things are affecting me. It’s exhausting and makes my progress feel like it is going backwards.

I hope tomorrow when we talk to his doctor that we can find a balance. That everyone can get on the same dam page. That all of this energy I am putting into helping him will be worth it. Until then, I may go buy another coffee that is actually hot. You can find me in the book section of Goodwill. Going to get out and get some fresh air. Life look differently when you do that.

Moving With Anxiety

Something about me is that when I start cleaning (or packing) I have a hard time stopping. There is nothing wrong with being on a roll but I take it to the extreme where I about break my back. I have to force myself to stop moving & panicking. I’m sure it is an anxiety thing. I just went and counted the number of bins & boxes that I stuffed today. There are 4 gray large bins and 12 Priority size boxes. That is way more then I thought I packed.

I did do a Starbucks run this afternoon. I was slightly worried that the baristas were going to spit in my coffee, as I arrived there 5 minutes before they closed. My coffee was accidentally made iced but they were awesome and remade it, while allowing me to keep the other one for free. My husband got a Vanilla Creme Frappachino with an iced coffee on the side. Once I arrived back with the coffee, I grabbed my book:

My Coffee & My Cat :

Snuggs is obsessed with this mustard colored knit blanket.

And headed outside to lay on the lawn chair. I’ve decided that reading outside is not so bad. It’s a way for me to get sun and yet not move at the same time. For Snuggs & I, it works. I’m almost done with my book called “That’s Mental.” After I finish that one, I will move on to the new Scott Peterson one I got the other day. And by “new” I mean Goodwill for $1. True crime is not a topic I read about much anymore but his case continues to fascinate me.

I’m going to end on the latest thing that I have created at night. For some reason, night time is when I make sporadic decisions. Normally, they consist of online purchases. As you can see above, I am the new owner of a stained glass clock from Mercari. Here are two true facts. 1. It was $9. 2. I was not even positive this morning if I in fact bought it. After double checking, I can confirm that I did.

A few nights ago, I decided to start a mental illness Instagram page. I still have my personal one at : https://www.instagram.com/farmnsunflowers . However, I decided that I wanted an additional account to just post mental illness awareness things too. Realistic, funny, and relatable type material for those of us that live isolated (I’m not referring to COVID-19)…. I’m talking about a lifestyle. I will see how it goes. If you are interested in checking out my new page & supporting my cause, click the link here: https://www.instagram.com/shelterfromherstorm . Hopefully it will help people (and myself) on hard days.

I’m off to help haul all the boxes I packed over to the new house. Thankfully, my husband is loading the trailer and driving. So I should be alive tomorrow for an update. (sarcasm)

Nightmares

Last night I had a long nightmare about trying to get away from someone. I first tried to reason with them, then console them, and then escape them. Apparently, the house caught on fire and the person that was chasing me was downstairs, while I hid in the attic. I have no knowledge of how the fire started but I know I was in a desperate state to survive. The person chasing me, ended up living. This is important to note because I am not a killer. Not even in my nightmares. Not even too that which chases me. You don’t have much control (if any) when you are asleep though. And yet, I still take these horrific visions I have personally.

What I do know is that my nightmares are tied to my past. I’m aware of who is chasing me, though I will not write their name. They don’t deserve the satisfaction that they are still somehow victimizing me. They come to me often at night, since they can’t get close during the day. Waking up from these kinds of nights is awful. My hair is a hot tangled mess. I’m exhausted beyond belief. And the morning has not even started. I actually fell back asleep after getting up this morning. Thankfully, I woke up in time to set a short alarm before my counseling appointment.

I’m so tired of running, grief, and lack of understanding. It’s hard to figure out if I isolate myself or if the world isolates itself from me. Nature and sunshine is definitely calming, when I gather the strength to be in it. It rained yesterday though so I think everything is wet out there. So is my soul. My husband is on a business call, laundry needs to be done, dishes are stacking up, things need to get packed…. fuck. I am over it. Change. Rollercoasters. And trying to figure out how to survive them both. I’ve started having chronic headaches which is fun. I’m pretty sure that my brain is trying to explode from stress.

It’s Too Early For Rock Bottom

I feel like I am hitting rock bottom. My values and perspective on life are being challenged. There are certain things that I have held strong too because it has felt right to do so. The longer I’m alive though, the more I realize nothing is as I thought it would be. Not marriage. Not career. Not security. If you had asked me when I was little what I wanted in life, I would have been overwhelmed by the enormity of the question. Today, at almost 4 AM, I still am. Answers are starting to not feel right anymore. As soon as I answer, everything changes.

I’m literally stuck in a painful, sad, and gray cloud of absolute confusion. Confusion about my decisions. My recovery. And ultimately my future. I just want to feel secure. It is such a simple word and yet, to obtain it, one must dig for a diamond with their fingernails. Is it possible for anyone to stay in a constant state of it? Could I borrow some from someone? I am so burned out. Mascara is wiped all over my shirt sleeve because I was crying yesterday. The night came too soon and everything went black. I didn’t eat dinner nor did I have a desire for anything but sleep. Covers are comforting.

How much should one person feel they need to compromise themselves? I’m a non conformist. My lack of bending either makes me brave or a complete bitch depending on who you ask. I only know how to be myself. I have expectations of those around me because I need to know I can trust & depend on people. Let me tell you, the last time I checked my friendship bank it was in the negative. I’ve become recluse, defeated, and incredibly lonely. So lonely.

I’m realizing the only person that can save me is myself. In order to make an attempt at life though I have to go through therapy, change, and a great amount of self reflection. I have to ask myself if I am wrong. Have I been doing it wrong? Why does everything become destroyed in my path? Instead of building castles, I’m blowing them up. I survive and yet, there is no one around me. No noise. No light. Just my dam self and my “values.” If I could reverse it, would I compromise myself in the name of keeping my world together?

I’m struggling this morning.

Everything Is Gray

I see my past play out in other peoples lives. There is a great need within me to save myself & them from what I know is to come. This need comes in the form of a rage that I set things on fire with. It’s incredibly suffocating living in this gray area. I can’t change the past nor the future. I’m stuck drowning in this abyss of a gray area in between the two. The world has lost all of its color. I’ve never given up searching for it in art, fabrics, and photographs. Where I live, the skies are always gray. People are gray. The grass is gray. I’m sad for the world. I believe there was a time it was beautiful. One day, maybe someone will paint it again.

Poshmark: 8 Orders 1 NIGHT

Tonight, I feel like I should have had several cups of coffee. I’m trying to limit my caffeine intake so I survived off a few bottles of water. Fun times. I packaged up 8 Poshmark, Mercari, And Ebay Orders tonight. Currently, my Ikea bag is full to the brim with boxes & polymailers. Don’t ask me what I packaged, I’m too tired to remember. It’s a tough thing when I vent about reselling because, on the one hand, I am thankful to HAVE orders. I’ve had those days where I literally was waiting for any sign of one. Literally wanting to yell “Is anyone alive out there?” If you are a reseller, I am sure you can relate. Recently, I changed up my pricing strategy. Basically, I gave the hell up on my last strategy to profit a good amount off each item. By a good amount, I mean at least $10. Let me tell you, you could hear crickets in my closet when I tried that plan out.

I’m coming to a place where I am realizing that people want simplicity. Customers enjoy an easy to browse closet that contains a variety of items. Since Poshmark decided to hike up their prices (higher than the high rise jeans girls wear today) customers are now looking to pay bottom dollar for items. This means basically that I am screwed. Seriously. As a reseller, it cost so much money to acquire inventory when you are selling clothes. It does depend on where you live, but from what I can tell the prices are sky rocketing at all goodwills all over the country. I’m backing off from selling clothes. It’s too dam expensive to pay $4-$5 for one item that I have to hope will sell soon after. I’m now looking more into selling plush, throw pillows, home decor, coffee mugs, art, and basically anything of quality that I can get for under $3. Goodwill, I hope you are not reading this…. so help me if throw pillows go to $10 a pop.

For a while, I had categories in my closet because I thought it looked nice to split up items. I now think though that this may distract and confuse the customer because unfortunately, my category thumbnails are not always where they are supposed to be. When you share things on Poshmark, everything goes to the top. Somehow I always manage to miss a few items though, causing my closet to be a scramble of things. Tonight, the categories were deleted. I also changed my prices to nicer looking numbers. Maybe you are laughing. There are people out there though that like to see numbers like $10, $15, $20 and so on. As opposed to $6, $17, $89. The majority of items in my closet are priced between $15-$50. There are a few pieces of art that do jump higher but overall, that is the range. So far, two people have bundled a lot of items that they did not purchase. One person stated under my add that my item was from the Dollar Tree. Don’t you just love how customers love to help you advertise? -_- (That comment will go away because I flagged it.) One person on Poshmark purchased a vintage ceramic cat from me for $20. Another bought a Haagar jacket for $13 that I would never purchase again. On Mercari, my Disney Maui Plush sold for $9. His tattoos are cute but not enough for me to buy him again. I’ve had a Poshmark potential customer ask for measurements of an item. I swear, whenever that happens, people never purchase. I often wonder how people have the time to know their exact measurements. That is just me being tired and judgemental. Anyway, so far, that is what is happening. Success or no? I’m not exactly sure.

Tonight, while laying horizontally, I will make a thumbnail for this blog post. It was not a priority tonight though. Getting on the treadmill however was. In January I was SO motivated to exercise, go to the gym, and drink lots of water. What happens to people in February ? It is like I have multiple personalities when it comes to working out. This month has been very difficult and I’ve been off track daily. I’m still drinking bottled water but not as much. I need to put more energy into that because I can see how it makes me stay full. Last night I also got on the treadmill & thought I was on a roll. Tonight, a sloth looks energized compared to me. It’s 11 PM & I just don’t think walking for 30 minutes is going to happen. I will have to make sure it gets done tomorrow. I love being organized but have realized that I struggle greatly with it. When my depression gets bad, I lose track of tracking bills and keeping the office in a manageable state. My car and pocket book also start looking like I am a hoarder. I’m in a gray area right now because for a minute, I ran out of my medications. It is crazy how we can feel regular but in reality are plummeting downhill. Since getting my refill, I’m realizing that I definitely was doing that. My nightstand is stacked with unread books too. I tend to start buying lots of books when I’m feeling incredibly alone. Thankfully, the thrift store sells them cheap & will take them back as donations when I come to my senses that they are not getting read.

On that note, I am out -_- literally.