I Found Anne Of Green Gables

Jeremy and I went by a Goodwill close to us tonight. We stopped by to pick up 2 $6.99 particle board shelves that we bought yesterday. Of course, we went in the store before we picked them up. One of my potential scores for the day was this Anne Of Green Gables doll. I bet a lot of people have no idea what that is. Before there was sex and violence in movies, there was Anne of Green Gables. I remember it as being a funny, sweet, and romantic series of movies. In case your memory needs a jog into the 90’s, here you go:

Anyway, the doll was made after her character, Anne of Green Gables. Surprisingly, Anne still had the tags attached to her hand. She also did not look cheaply made. You can definitely tell when an item has been well cared for. Normally, I steer FAR clear from dolls. Unless you know what you are doing, you can lose a lot of money. Because this show was a favorite of my Aunts, I remember her character growing up, and she has freckles, I had too for $4.99. Fingers crossed it was a good decision.

Another item that caught my eye was this cute pink wheelchair for $1.99. When I was little, I was always caring for my stuffed animals. I’m sure that I would have been beside myself had I been given this wheelchair. Calling all dolls with broken legs, I have a pink wheelchair going up in my Poshmark and Mercari closet tomorrow! Look me up at @farmnsunflowers .

An item I debated on was this black cat candle votive holder. It’s hard to tell but there is a fish (fake of course) in the cat’s cup. I’m not really interested in buying holiday items anymore. Some people have a lot of success with them. I just don’t think I am one of those people that wants to see Christmas items all year long. However, I can handle Halloween things better apparently. I got major Halloween vibes from this black cat. Though it is not breakable, it is dam cute. I just need to dust it off something fierce. I’m not actually sure what I paid. This item did not have a sticker price & I forgot to ask the cashier. Since he came home, apparently we paid something.

We were literally the next to be checked out in line when I spotted this bell at the bottom of a shelf next to me. Impulse buys, usually, are a bad idea. However, there was just something about this bell. It was ceramic, signed (later I realized by 3 people), and detailed. I’m absolutely no bell expert but I feel assured that this was not made in China. We paid $4.99 which felt like a lot in the moment. Hoping to find out some more information on the bell. That is another piece of advice…never sell something unless you know what you have. I’m pro pricing UP because people will make offers. But if you just throw a price on something, you may get a lot less than you could have.

I’ve been working hard on listing new items in my Poshmark closet, farmnsunflowers. I’m trying out just using a white background now. I’ve avoided it for 2 main reasons. 1. I didn’t know how too. 2. It looks a bit generic. However, it also makes the items colors pop in the picture. I’m doing my background the cheap way by using some white cardboard. But hey, it’s a hell of a lot cheaper than trying to order a white hanging background. It’s hard to know if this strategy has helped my sales yet or not. The fact that I’m listing more I’m sure has definitely attracted more attention to my closet.

Before I close I did want to write that for the first time, I took my chihuahua on a walk around our neighborhood alone. My husband was working and I just decided to do it. For those who are confused as to why it is so hard, I have major memory & directional problems. I can literally get lost in a circle. I stand by saying “the hardest step is the first step” because it is. Hopefully now I will feel more confident about going out and walking alone.

Money & Success

Tonight, I am feeling defeated & depleted. Maybe I am jumping to conclusions, but I feel like most people strive for something in life. I would be willing to bet that for most it would be “money” or “success.” Neither one of those topics interests me though. It occurred to me the other day that I actually feel the most content when I have the least amount of money to decide what to do with. Who thinks like that? Apparently, me. I seem to be drawn to what feels safe and familiar. Being inside, being without, being over caffeinated, and being sad is pretty much my cup of tea.

I talked to my husband tonight in the car about needing more structure. For instance, when he is ready to leave the store, saying “I’m ready to go.” Or if I want to buy something that we can’t afford, him saying “not today.” The lack of structure in my life feels like it is drowning me. I’m the main one to make decisions. In all reality, I do not want to decide the majority of the things I have too. Though I have a dominate personality, I prefer most days just decide how many Splenda’s I want in my coffee. Needing to organize bills, the house, activities, chores, emotional states, etc, is not my main mission in life.

Without sounding conceited, I do not struggle financially anymore. We do not live hand to mouth, as I used too. I’ve also always considered my husband to be a successful person. He works as a developer doing Lord only knows what on a computer. I’m very right brained. Give me art any day. Computers…hell no. I’m proud that I married an educated man that holds admirable job titles. With all that being said, money & success are just NOT the answers to everything. If they were, I would be incredibly content, secure, and at peace with life. There would be no need for medications, advice books, or counseling. But there is. This makes me greatly concerned that the majority of the world is working towards goals that are going to hold the satisfaction of cotton candy. It tastes good for a minute and then it dissolves like air. Leaving you wondering if you had anything in your dam mouth to begin with.

If money & success are not the secret ingredients to life, what are? What makes a person look back and go, “that was all worth it” ? I would say memories but I’m hoping that is not the answer. I’ve always struggled with memory and extremely basic directional tasks are hard for me. Striving for love is completely understandable. I love my husband greatly and even on our worst days, I do not regret being with him. However, marriage challenges you. Some days, it feels like a test of emotional patience. On others, a step forward appears to have been taken. What I am getting at is that love is a choice (a very important one at that) but not the answer to the purpose of one’s life.

I almost just died without finding out the purpose of life. I’m not kidding. My husband just snuck up behind me and shook my chair saying “Earthquake!” Had I been drinking something, I would have spit it all over the computer screen. I’m going to conspire with the cats tonight so that they piss on his body pillow. I can repay them with shrimp. My terror gave him a good laugh. He then came back to ask me to calibrate my fear between 1-10. I told him that was about a 9, which he seemed happy with. He drives me crazy with the things that he does. I’m pleading the 5th when it comes to whether that crazy is bad or good.

Ok, so, back to figuring out life. From everything I have witnessed and experienced, I do not feel that the purpose in life is ones status. Anyone remember the Titanic and how the upperclass women sunk with their fur coats and jewels? I’ve lived in uppity neighborhoods before that had no free spirit air in them. There was even a neighborhood with a gate and number once. I’m sure many of those residence enjoyed saying they lived in a “gated community.” Meanwhile, I felt like I was trapped at the dam Zoo. All those clothing brands that make people of status feel important can also be found at the local thrift store. The status thing is WAY over rated.

This is a topic that I am just going to continue to think on. It is interesting how so many people think they have found THE answer to life. I need to test out all these theories and report back on how the experience went. I’m sure there is a book out there on something like that too. If so, hopefully I come across it at a thrift store so that I can update yall. In all reality though, I think many have completely lost touch with themselves on their journey to “success.” This may be the answer to why I cannot find any friends. My inability to connect with people must be because we are in two different worlds. Though it’s incredibly lonely, I’m thankful to live a life that is outside a gate.

Socializing

Tonight, my husband and I walked around the neighborhood twice. I remember a church service a while back that talked about meeting your neighbors. The sermon had recommended to try just sitting on the porch too potentially meet someone. I’m not a porch sitter, personally. Normally, when you sit on your porch, you stare at the house across from you. The exception is, if it rains or if there are cops at your neighbors house, then there is some entertainment. Anyway, we passed by our normal group of neighbors at the end of the road. I always make an emotionally painful effort to walk down to the end of the street, so that we can make contact with them.

The man under the umbrella informed us that the garbage truck had not taken our garbage can. Can I just insert the very real fact that I never want to get to a place in life where I pay attention to my neighbors trash cans. Though nice, I really wish this man would take up a dam hobby. We had a short conversation about being quite aware that our garbage can did not get picked up….because umm… yeah we did not put it out on time. This ended with a “have a nice night” as it always does. One of the other ladies that is a friend of the man under the umbrella is not someone I have associated with. Without going into detail, my intrigue of getting to know her is right up there with shoving bamboo shoots up my fingernails. I did make an effort to compliment her on one of her plants in the front yard. Quickly, I was reminded why I keep my dam mouth shut a lot. This turned into an extremely long conversation about the plant, her other plants, the sun, an old pear tree of hers that gets wasps in the summer, etc. Meanwhile, her daughter backed up in the driveway in her pink convertible electric car. Equipped with front and back lights. Did I mention, she looks like she is 4 years old. I’m done… stick a fork in me… I’m done.

Give me cats & dogs any day over the quality of people that I have been meeting lately. Grizzly, my orange cat, makes me laugh. Snuggs, my grey cat, gives me comfort. Dahlia, my black cat, brings me peace (and occasionally a small dead animal). Bella, my brown cat, keeps me on a schedule by vocalizing everything she needs. Daisy, my chihuahua, loves and accepts me unconditionally. Charlie, my cocker spaniel, reminds me to rest & makes me feel protected.

Neighbors on the other hand? Uppity as all hell. They cause my anxiety to sky rocket. How is this adding to my life? Life is supposed to be our greatest commodity. I’m not wasting it by pretending I want to smoke, drink, and gossip with people. No thanks. I just not have met the right kind of people for me. Everyone has their type that they enjoy being around.

I did meet a girl on our walk tonight. We had talked briefly to her on our walk the other day when we complimented her on her flower pots. Tonight, she was throwing something away and actually came out to meet our dogs. She said she did not even had dogs, which gave her extra points for being comfortable with meeting other dogs. I noticed her tattoos and that she had kind eyes. She said that she was often on her front porch hanging out and that we could come by any time. So far, this has been the most promising lead. She also mentioned that it took her 9 months before anyone in our neighborhood even said hey to her. I loved that because it was real. This lead me to telling her that though my husband had, I had not made any friends either. If nothing else, at least we have that in common.

Currently drinking my 100th glass of ice water with lemon. Maybe I am being dramatic, but I think I have far surpassed the 8 cups of recommended water a day. Meeting that goal used to feel so incredibly hard. I’ve realized that if you completely take out soda and limit juice by watering it down, you will drink a shit ton more water. I even make an effort to get water from restaurants when we eat out. Don’t ask me about my coffee consumption though if you are not ready to hear the answer. I realistically spend way to much on overpriced coffee. It’s not even that I am addicted to the drink. It’s the coffee house atmosphere, it’s the comfort in a cup, it’s the thought that drinking it helps me deal with life. Basically, Starbucks is one of the few outside experiences I allow myself to have. Hopefully, the water washes all the caffeine out.

Moments My Profession Sucks

An early memory I have is of pretending to have an art gallery when I was a child. Apparently, I was Picasso. I decided to charge large amounts for my “paintings.” Let’s put it this way, I’m sure they looked abstract. I’m also sure that no one could afford them. If I am giving credit where credit is due, I think my mom was able to buy one. I’ve always had a thing for starting businesses and selling items. There are aspects about being a reseller that are quite appealing. Being able to work from home and not have to see the human race is a huge plus for me. However, sourcing for items is an entirely different story. FINDING things to sell is harder than paying hard earned cash for them.

After counseling today, my husband and I went to a Goodwill that used to be our favorite. There are always those people that look like they are “resting” in the for sale chairs area. Let me assure you, at the sign of electronics or tools, they will pounce. I’ve been noticing a lot of thrift stores lately are cleared out. People (including myself) walk up and down the aisles, looking lost as fuck. When really, we can’t find a dam thing worth buying. I almost bought a damaged item today. That is how hard up I was.

Being a reseller is about being competitive. Unfortunately, this quality does not always mix well with reasoning. Over a lot (like 2 years) of time, I’ve learned to not impulse buy like I used too. However, if I see something I want, beware. I may find myself doing a flying leap over your head. Not really, but I can be quick if I need to be. Again though, there is no need to be quick when there is nothing to buy. Customers have gotten to where they literally grab things off the shelves as soon as items are placed on them. I mean, I have never done that (complete sarcasm).

It’s impossible to write about this topic without mentioning the frustration of when I, myself, actually need something. Today, I was one person away from getting a baby mobile that I would have put in our nursery to save. Those things are ridiculously expensive. The lady that got to it put it right in her buggy, found a corner, and looked the item up on her phone. Again, I’ve done this. I just find it amusing how when you are the “shopper” and not the “seller,” you see things entirely differently. Every time I want to get upset at resellers though I have to remind myself that..umm…I’m a reseller.

Reselling is one of the few professions out there that is quiet. Even when people source, rarely do they speak or make eye contact with each other. It’s crazy how we know who is sourcing and who is our competition. Poshmark and Mercari commercials on TV always look so friendly & warm. Not to mention, these companies make reselling look like a breeze. “Open your closet and make tons of money” type thing. Rigghhhhhttt ….

NOPE

Nice Try.

These commercials are fishing for people by feeding them the dream. If you cannot overcome burn out, low-no pay weeks, unfriendly “employees,” and a whole lot of other shit, don’t even try this. Seriously. RUN.

I did get this fabulous sloth sticker to put on my car. Apparently, it is a passenger sloth. I just hope no one sees it and wrecks looking at it. My husband brought it over to me, thinking I would be like hahaha NO. But sloths are my spirit animal. Therefore, for 99 cents, I had too. I also found this Vera Bradley baby book for 99 cents. I did not even know that she made anything other than those quilted purses. Figured it was worth a shot. Jeremy got a Mickey Mouse plant watering can for 99 cents as well. Before heading out I also found a nautical looking dress for $5.99 & a B&BW Watermelon foam soap for $1.99.

One sale today. My Mickey Mouse 3 XL top that I got the other day for $2.99 sold for $20. I’m trying to build back up my inventory. As you can see from this blog, it is quite challenging. Closing here though. Off to go eat some Taco Salad & binge on Strawberry Mochi. (Kidding. A pack of 6 is $5.99!!) -_-

The Hot As HELL Hike

I feel like I just walked the Appalachian Trail. Except, it was around my neighborhood in the heat. My husband and Chihuahua came with me. Daisy, my chihuahua, did great one way. But took the Jeremy bus some of the way back. We all survived the hike, barely. I’m trying to walk when it is hotter outside so that I will (hopefully) burn more calories. Heres hoping considering I was going.0000000000001 mile per hour.

I’m now the new owner of an executive chair.

My chair looks way smarter than me. I feel as if I should apply to law school.

There are a lot of things in life that I have wished for. I must say, an executive chair has never been on that list. However, today I set up Jeremy’s work area upstairs.

Equipped with a plant, desk, and shelf. He and I also hung a painting of his above the desk & put an organizer shelf on the wall. He made the realization that he needed an office chair. We ended up going by Goodwill and discovering this leather executive chair. Jeremy was not overly thrilled with it, as he preferred the chair that I normally use at my desk. After discovering that the chair could lean back, I was more interested in it. The executive chair for $49.99 ended up coming home with us. As did a bedside drawer for $6.99. It’s black & pink which I will have to rectify quickly. It works though to put papers in.

Something I don’t understand is why trashcans and containers are so expensive. Probably because these are two things that people always want in their home. Or most people, anyway. I’m moving away from storage type items because I want to be able to see what I own. I even am more drawn to clear glass to store items in. My anxiety comes down when I can see what I have & things still look neat. I did score some collapsable containers today, at Goodwill, thanks to Jeremy. The boxes were all collapsed so I would have never understood what they were, had my husband not been there. They were a $1.99 a box and I scooped all 4 up. I’m going to be storing our cleaning supplies in them, which I do need storage for.

I still have not filmed that Youtube video. I think it will be much easier to film when Jeremy is working. For some reason, I can concentrate better when no one has a dam idea I am filming. It’s probably an introverted kind of thing.

I’ve been drinking a lot of water with lemon in it. It is refreshing to put fruit in water because it is different. I’m trying to get far away from artificial sweetened things. It’s very challenging to eat all natural. It is a mystery how some people consist off of their garden. We have been waiting for our cherry tomatoes to come in FOREVER. They are there, but they are very green. I’m not the most patient person…..

Headed back to get more lemon water & lie horizontally.

Does It Ever End?

Tonight, I’m feeling so burned out. I get like that when I can’t get ahead of cleaning (of life). There is a tomato here, laptop there, blanket unfolded, etc. Our cocker spaniel, Charlie, had a hard day today as well. He loved catching tennis balls off of our porch. We did not realize though that he has been scraping his nails down. One of his back nails were clearly quicked when he came back from catching a ball yesterday. What has worked best to stop the bleeding is flour. Which of course, we had no where in our house. Thankfully one of our neighbors, the man under the umbrella, came to our rescue with a bag of flour. I greatly appreciate that. Of course though, tonight Charlie managed to itch his side and unplug his flour packed toenails. Once again, we did the flour packing, with the addition of a sock on his back leg. After his sock, he got a Trazodone pill that he started today for anxiety. I’m sure he’s in bed, chill as hell, while I’m sweating with an anxiety attack.

It did not help that our Swiffer wet jet decided to be out of soap AND batteries, after Charlies nail event. Talk about needing to scrub the floors down. I ended up using two Clorox wipes and sticking them to the end of the Swiffer. I would not recommend this solution to clean up a murder scene (kidding) but for his bloody toenail it did ok.

Currently, I’m listening to one of my favorite vloggers on Youtube. She does Dollar Tree hauls and crafts. I normally watch the items she hauls from the Dollar Tree. A long time ago, I used to be that girl that watched the video and had to rush out to get the product. As I have gotten older, I’ve realized how much insane anxiety buying items I did not use caused me. It sounds like logic right? But shopping can actually become an addiction. I’m currently struggling with a thrift shopping addiction. Thankfully, at least the Dollar Tree one is gone. If you need to get inspired to STOP shopping, I highly recommend moving. I’m not kidding. Try moving all of those items you have stored away in totes, boxes, bins, etc. If it does not become epically clear after you have relocated all of your spontaneous buys to a new location that you need to stop shopping so much, I don’t know what to tell you. It was a HUGE wake up call for me.

Jeremy and I went out to grab Charlie’s anxiety med earlier today from the vet. We then went to grab lunch and ate outside. Though Corona is definitely going around, there is something I find about eating outside to be safer. Or at least more refreshing than sitting in a restaurant with (potentially sick) people. We also stopped by a thrift store that supports the SPCA in our area. It’s nice how everyone that works there is a volunteer. It was crazy crowded inside this shop though. I managed to find a few items that I wanted to leave with. One was this pretty bohemian looking nursery sign with mountains & stars. Another was a whimsical looking cross stitch. And let’s see..there was: a cow coffee mug, two dog coffee mugs, 2 jean shorts, an elephant lovey, and several concert tees. The tees were like 3 for 25 cents! I literally paid 50 cents for 6 shirts. THAT is my kind of sale. I left there paying $20 and feeling good about what I found.

We stopped by my favorite Goodwill today as well. This is the one where I usually have the most luck sourcing for Poshmark. Lately though, it has been slim pickins everywhere. Thankfully, the whole waiting in a line to get in the store thing seems to have died down. Jeremy does not enjoy thrift shopping like he used too. He gets a gold star for patience though. I just unfortunately always feel rushed when I am sourcing with him because I can tell he’s over it. What I found from this Goodwill though was: 2 boho pillow covers, 1 high chair (that we are keeping), 1 owl baby blanket, some baby clothes, 1 wooden elephant, some t shirts for me, a new game bowl for Charlie, 1 game…and that is all I can recall right now.

Jeremy was cool with me stopping by the Goodwill on the way back home which was also really nice of him. I fuss at him but I married a good man. I ended up finding two matching comforters with pillowcases (for the spare bedroom), 1 new rug (for the nursery), a few plushes, 1 BBW Pineapple Fluff candle, 1 vibrating baby chair, 1 pack of diapers, a few hats (NASA & Hawaii), a pair of shorts for Jeremy, and I think that is about it. I picked out a few pots for Jeremy. It is funny how the whole house could go up and smoke and he probably would not notice. However, when it comes to his flower pots, attention to detail is critical. And the flower pots I found did not make the cut.

When we came back home we had sweet potato fries and black been burgers. We also discovered this British Shark Tank show on Youtube that we enjoy watching. It’s amazing the things that people come up with. I will always be confused by the fact that our nation is struggling with mental illness reform, while someone out there has already invented (and sold) a cat brush that looks like a tongue. Yes, you heard me right, You stick the brush in your mouth and lick your cat with it. I can’t…. though my orange velcro cat would be all about it.

My Probiotics came in the mail yesterday. Thank goodness because I felt like I was about to die from combustion. Already, my stomach swelling has gone down and the gas pressure feels a lot better. There was some discomfort today & a little burning but NOTHING like I was experiencing before. Believe it or not, the man under the umbrellas wife was also the one to loan me a heating pad. It was really a life saver when I was having so much stomach pain. I’ve only taken 2 probiotic pills so far. But, it is encouraging that there is a difference.

Do you remember “The Fox And The Hound” Disney movie from the 90’s? Well, the hound escaped from that movie and has been adopted next door to us. There is this hound dog that has these long yodeling howls. They go on FOREVER when he is in his backyard. I told my husband that if he keeps going at it, he will need some Halls lozenges.

I’m going to end here. This was a long blog tonight. Like the hound dog, I had a lot to say. Hopefully, tomorrow I will be feeling stronger. Oh, I got my new (actually $38 Mercari purchase) camera in today. Fingers & toes crossed that it at least records clear enough to edit a video sometime next week. That is the goal for next week. Get 1 Youtube video up. Just ONE. If you suffer from Depression, focus on 1. Seriously, do not overwhelm yourself or it will not happen (at least not for me).

I Put Dawn On My Toothbrush

The title of this blog is not click bate. I kid you not, I put Dawn dish soap on my toothbrush this morning. I literally grabbed the soap by the bathroom sink and squeezed it onto my toothbrush before I knew what I had done. Thankfully, it did not go in my mouth. Talk about waking myself up! FML. So, how is your life going?

Last night, I found out in order to adopt, one needs a pen. This is mostly sarcastic but I found a funny baby book with a list of all the supplies you should have on hand. Despite trying to find a pen and my husband finding me several gel pens that did not work, I never could find one. My list of what I need will have to wait. I was super motivated though last night to get organized.

My counseling was supposed to be last Tuesday but I rescheduled it for tomorrow. Jeremy felt bad last weekend. Then I thought I had some kind of stomach virus. Turns out, I am just not digesting my food well at all. My stomach has been super bloated and painful. Thankfully, I looked up what appears to be a good Pro Biotic to take. I think it is called 60 Billion Pro Biotics. The title itself sounds suspect. Who would sit there and count out 60 Billion Pro Biotics? Maybe a computer did it. If it works, I don’t care.

Oh and apparently Covid-19 is spreading. I’m sure it is because everything has opened back up. What is scary is that China has a new wave of Corona Virus. The virus had apparently subsided for a few weeks but is now making a second appearance. Though Jeremy & I have been using masks &. hand sanitizer, we have been going out way too much. There are a lot of new cases of this virus in our state. That means our ass needs to stay home a hell of a lot more.

We listened to Trump speak out about Police reform last night, while laying on the couch. Why is someone FINALLY mentioning getting mental health counselors for these officers. It is really outrageous that it has taken this long. Their job is admirable, even if officers are not always. I’m certainly not defending any form of abuse of power that has happened. I just know that we do need the Police for protection. The officers in that field though need better support. Especially in the mental health department. Heres hoping that it actually happens.

Does anyone ever feel like their cats are stalking them? At least two of my cats have turned into pieces of Velcro. My gray cat, Snuggs, followed me in to take a bath today. I will say that when he realized water was involved, he quickly made himself a bed on top of a stack of T Shirts outside the bathroom. Our orange cat, Grizzly, has become super high maintenance too. If he is hungry, bored, or angry he starts stomping around upstairs. He will also do this extremely piercing meow that sounds as if he is drowning in his own tears. Did I mention, he follows me everywhere too?

To end on a more positive note, I did FINALLY sell something today. I grabbed this Victoria Secret outside blanket thing off the rack the other day at Goodwill. I think it was left there because no one realized what it was. Thankfully, I noticed that it had a tag. I’m hoping I paid about $1.99 for it. Today, I sold it for $35. That was a good flip that needs to happen a hell of a lot more often.

On that note, I’m going to go take some medicine to try and decompress my severely blimped stomach.

So That Was Interesting

The night ended with three police cars outside the house. Thankfully, not our house. Our neighbor across the street had a great deal of attention directed towards her house. We walked Charlie & Daisy outside and tried to figure out what was happening. The man under the umbrella and his crew did not know what had happened. My husband headed over there a while ago to drink a beer with them and get the scoop. I’m sure I will write more on that later.

I’m now reading “The Happiness Project” by Gretchen Rubin. I had heard of this book before but happiness and I have never had much in common. However, I came across this book at Goodwill the other day and felt intrigued to try it. Turns out, it is an inspirational read. This may be a book that I read twice, just to take notes on how to enhance my life. “The Happiness Project” is written well and each chapter represents a different month. It’s a true story about Gretchen’s journey to create more happiness in her life. Had these pages been centered around just thinking positive, I can assure you that I would donate it back quickly. However, she incorporates a variety of strategies into her every day life that actually make sense. Example: Getting more rest, Decluttering, Focusing On Her Marriage, etc. Needless to say, I think I will get some tips from this book.

Yesterday, Jeremy brought inside a yellow rose and put it in my hair. He then proceeded to try to take a picture of me with his phone camera. Two things happened. 1. I almost went blind from his 10 second flash. 2. I looked drunk and stoned as hell (which I was not). I love my husband but his pictures of me are usually the opposite of flattering. After he got done with my photo shoot, I took my camera and snapped this above picture. I’m not saying it is great by any means. But if you compared it to the ones he took, it is quite good.

I can’t close without mentioning that they found Tylee Ryan and JJ Vallow. I’ve been following the disappearance & search for them for a long time. It broke my heart when I learned that their bodies were discovered in graves in Chad Daybell’s back yard. I’ve held out hope that their mom hid them with the Amish community or something. What is wrong with people? Every day more lives are lost, Covid victims rise, rallies destroy, etc. People keep saying that they are living in a time that will go down in history. I’m not sure that this is something to be proud of, considering how we are going down.

My skin decided today that it is allergic to the sun. I’ve always thought my skin was oily. Yet, my arms look alligatorish. That is not even a word but it is appropriate for this moment. I’m going to go lather up with cream. This morning my husband and I had some toast with butter & strawberry jelly in the backyard. There was a nice breeze so we sat outside with the dogs. I’m sure my skin got the sun exposure from breakfast. I like this neighborhood more though than our last one. Minus the whole 3 cop cars across the street thing.

Trauma Recovery

If you are in trauma recovery, my heart goes out to you. I’m in the process of going through it and dam, does it challenge me mentally & physically & financially. It’s hard remembering moments that hurt me, people that left, etc. There is absolutely nothing about discussing those topics that is easy. I also do not think I would ever get to a point where I was “ready” to go there. I’ve realized that healing goes hand in hand with bravery. We must be willing to face topics that have affected us our entire lives. Basically, trauma recovery for me is excavating a lot of pain that I have buried within myself.

After going to counseling, I went to Goodwill and spent some money. I tend to escape from being overwhelmed by going shopping. Today, I found a $4.99 chair & ottoman. Both were in well loved condition. Even though the chair did not appeal to me, I did not think it was a bad price for the ottoman. I learned today that 1 ottoman will take up your entire buggy. Another discovery I made was a three level train station toy. Normally, I would not purchase something like that because it is for older kids. But this one was well made, condensed size, and pretty adorable. This toy was $4.99 too. I just looked it up on Google and found it selling on Ebay for $79.99. #score

I picked up a few other smaller items like a candle scented “winter” and a metal candle holder. There were a few baby outfits & a jacket that I decided on. It is really challenging to know what to get. Especially, if you do not know if you are going to be adopting a girl or boy. But I do know this, the price is good.

The resellers were definitely out today (myself included). I did not buy anything to sell though. Mainly, I was shopping to bring my anxiety down. Of course, those other customers may have been doing the same thing. It is just interesting to listen to people and watch what they fill their buggy with. There is this friendly competitiveness amongst that is head scratching. On the one hand, I hear women cheerful as all hell talking to each other while they shop. On the other, I get the sense that they are ready to take out their box cutter and slit throats if an item comes out that they want.

When I got home, I was absolutely starving. After making vegetable noodles (and only eating the noodles), I headed straight for the peanut butter cookies. I’m literally holding myself back from eating all of them. I picked out 1 cookie. It was the largest one in the box but hey, it still counts as one right. It was really good. But after my husband, Chihuahua, Cocker Spaniel, and two cats had a bite..the cookie was no longer quite as large. If you want to eat less calories get a husband & lots of pets. That should do the trick.

I’m now going to listen to Stephanie Harlowe’s new True Crime youtube video. She did an update on the Madeleine McCann case. It is mind blowing to think that they still do not know what happened to that little girl. Even more shocking that her parents would leave her in a rental, with the door unlocked, while they went out to eat with friends. My husband just scared the crap out of me. He cleared his throat in hopes of not startling me. That effort alone scared me. I’m about the most on edge person you will probably ever meet. He is sweet though and tickled me with his scruffy beard kisses.

Going to end here. Hopefully I will find the strength to walk the dogs later tonight. That, or go lie down underneath the blanket and never return. The Lion, The Witch, And The Wardrobe sounds so appealing right now. Who would not want to just climb into their closet and step out into an entirely different world. Especially one with talking beavers. I think there were beavers. On that note…..goodnight.

Isolated Before Isolation

In a way, I have always been incredibly isolated. I had two main friends when I was little. I had two (different) main friends in high school. Today, I don’t feel that I have any. No one that I can rely on, laugh with, or relate too. On one hand, I wish I had a friend. While on the other, I’ve come to find comfort in being alone. Silence can be healing but also hell.

My husband is very friendly and likable. I’m thankful for that because he enjoys people’s company. Right now he is outside, next to a BBQ, having a beer with the neighbor. I’m sure he feels content and full right now. That is how I would want it to be. I say that though with knowing that it will never be that way for myself. I’m not comfortable with strangers, social events, or anything that has loud noises. If I don’t know you, I probably don’t eat in front of you. These are just facts that equal why I don’t have friends.

I’ve heard that those with Depression tend to isolate to an extreme extent. Meaning, we pretty much hibernate the entire year inside our house. It is a mystery how anyone with this condition can actually make friends. Or even see people for that matter. I peaked outside the blinds a few times earlier. That was enough socialization for me. It would be nice if there was some kind of like Depression Convention. However, no one would go.

I’m going to try and brainstorm ideas on how to meet people. Even if it is just virtually. Maybe there is some kind of Depression support group or forum in the area. You may be wondering why I would want to surround myself with sad people. It’s because birds of a feather, flock together. We understand each other. And the reality is, those without mental illness, have never stayed with me.