Tag: depression awareness

Is This Real Life?

I do not know what has happened to this world or the people in it. There seems to be less inspiration & air. For those that are empowered to live life, what are you empowered by? I want the energy to find that which makes life worth living. Traveling and being with people would really be such a drastic step forward for me. I’m lonely, weak, and very sad.

We have this crazy neighbor that lives in front of us. For some reason, for the past few days she has gone on a hiatus about our cat taking a shit in her garden. She has gone so far as to ring our door bell at 9:30 PM last night to alert us of the shit, leave TWO notes today about cleaning up cat poop, and has pushed us to get a no trespassing sign on our door. I have no idea what her deal is. When I first met her, I really wished I could have liked her. She liked plants and seemed to speak her mind. With that being said, I quickly realized she was into drama & bad mouthing someone that had been kind to me. She also really crossed a line when she took a sip out of my husband’s water bottle, mentioned to me that she hoped I did not think she was flirting with him, and refused to leave me alone when we were outside.

Just so I can look back one day and realize the extent of the insanity….here are the two pictures this girl left for us today.

I’m so done. I hate people here. Obviously, I do care if my cat is vandalizing someones property. However, he is using the bathroom in the dirt. There are also a lot of other cats in the neighborhood that live mostly outside. My husband has given her permission to squirt our cat with a squirt bottle if she sees him using the restroom in her plants. She refused to do this. I don’t even think she has proof that it is our cat (or just our cat). Anyway, my husband and I now have a gigantic “No Trespassing” sign on our front door. Hopefully, she gets the dam picture and stops coming to our house.

My anxiety is at such a level today. It’s like, I want to go and walk around my neighborhood. But I’m afraid to be around my neighbor. It makes me think of Mr. Rogers Song “It’s A Beautiful Day In The Neighborhood.” There is a part where he said “Will you be my neighbor?” Why, yes Mr. Rogers, I would be happy too. Please come take this neighbors crazy ass away and move on in with your fish. In all reality, I did love the show called Mr. Rogers growing up.

He always picked out a new sweater, fed the fish, and talked to puppets. Life was simple, predictable, and kind. What a world it would be. Maybe he stayed in his house all the time because his neighborhood was crazy as all hell too.

Ok, I am done ranting for right now. I just needed to get all of this off my chest. This is actually the second time. The first was when I wrote in my counseling journal about all of this. Clearly, I still had a lot more to say. I have orders that I need to package up but my head is hurting. I’m tempted to go hide underneath the blanket & never come out.

Trauma Recovery

If you are in trauma recovery, my heart goes out to you. I’m in the process of going through it and dam, does it challenge me mentally & physically & financially. It’s hard remembering moments that hurt me, people that left, etc. There is absolutely nothing about discussing those topics that is easy. I also do not think I would ever get to a point where I was “ready” to go there. I’ve realized that healing goes hand in hand with bravery. We must be willing to face topics that have affected us our entire lives. Basically, trauma recovery for me is excavating a lot of pain that I have buried within myself.

After going to counseling, I went to Goodwill and spent some money. I tend to escape from being overwhelmed by going shopping. Today, I found a $4.99 chair & ottoman. Both were in well loved condition. Even though the chair did not appeal to me, I did not think it was a bad price for the ottoman. I learned today that 1 ottoman will take up your entire buggy. Another discovery I made was a three level train station toy. Normally, I would not purchase something like that because it is for older kids. But this one was well made, condensed size, and pretty adorable. This toy was $4.99 too. I just looked it up on Google and found it selling on Ebay for $79.99. #score

I picked up a few other smaller items like a candle scented “winter” and a metal candle holder. There were a few baby outfits & a jacket that I decided on. It is really challenging to know what to get. Especially, if you do not know if you are going to be adopting a girl or boy. But I do know this, the price is good.

The resellers were definitely out today (myself included). I did not buy anything to sell though. Mainly, I was shopping to bring my anxiety down. Of course, those other customers may have been doing the same thing. It is just interesting to listen to people and watch what they fill their buggy with. There is this friendly competitiveness amongst that is head scratching. On the one hand, I hear women cheerful as all hell talking to each other while they shop. On the other, I get the sense that they are ready to take out their box cutter and slit throats if an item comes out that they want.

When I got home, I was absolutely starving. After making vegetable noodles (and only eating the noodles), I headed straight for the peanut butter cookies. I’m literally holding myself back from eating all of them. I picked out 1 cookie. It was the largest one in the box but hey, it still counts as one right. It was really good. But after my husband, Chihuahua, Cocker Spaniel, and two cats had a bite..the cookie was no longer quite as large. If you want to eat less calories get a husband & lots of pets. That should do the trick.

I’m now going to listen to Stephanie Harlowe’s new True Crime youtube video. She did an update on the Madeleine McCann case. It is mind blowing to think that they still do not know what happened to that little girl. Even more shocking that her parents would leave her in a rental, with the door unlocked, while they went out to eat with friends. My husband just scared the crap out of me. He cleared his throat in hopes of not startling me. That effort alone scared me. I’m about the most on edge person you will probably ever meet. He is sweet though and tickled me with his scruffy beard kisses.

Going to end here. Hopefully I will find the strength to walk the dogs later tonight. That, or go lie down underneath the blanket and never return. The Lion, The Witch, And The Wardrobe sounds so appealing right now. Who would not want to just climb into their closet and step out into an entirely different world. Especially one with talking beavers. I think there were beavers. On that note…..goodnight.

Isolated Before Isolation

In a way, I have always been incredibly isolated. I had two main friends when I was little. I had two (different) main friends in high school. Today, I don’t feel that I have any. No one that I can rely on, laugh with, or relate too. On one hand, I wish I had a friend. While on the other, I’ve come to find comfort in being alone. Silence can be healing but also hell.

My husband is very friendly and likable. I’m thankful for that because he enjoys people’s company. Right now he is outside, next to a BBQ, having a beer with the neighbor. I’m sure he feels content and full right now. That is how I would want it to be. I say that though with knowing that it will never be that way for myself. I’m not comfortable with strangers, social events, or anything that has loud noises. If I don’t know you, I probably don’t eat in front of you. These are just facts that equal why I don’t have friends.

I’ve heard that those with Depression tend to isolate to an extreme extent. Meaning, we pretty much hibernate the entire year inside our house. It is a mystery how anyone with this condition can actually make friends. Or even see people for that matter. I peaked outside the blinds a few times earlier. That was enough socialization for me. It would be nice if there was some kind of like Depression Convention. However, no one would go.

I’m going to try and brainstorm ideas on how to meet people. Even if it is just virtually. Maybe there is some kind of Depression support group or forum in the area. You may be wondering why I would want to surround myself with sad people. It’s because birds of a feather, flock together. We understand each other. And the reality is, those without mental illness, have never stayed with me.

Moving With Anxiety

Something about me is that when I start cleaning (or packing) I have a hard time stopping. There is nothing wrong with being on a roll but I take it to the extreme where I about break my back. I have to force myself to stop moving & panicking. I’m sure it is an anxiety thing. I just went and counted the number of bins & boxes that I stuffed today. There are 4 gray large bins and 12 Priority size boxes. That is way more then I thought I packed.

I did do a Starbucks run this afternoon. I was slightly worried that the baristas were going to spit in my coffee, as I arrived there 5 minutes before they closed. My coffee was accidentally made iced but they were awesome and remade it, while allowing me to keep the other one for free. My husband got a Vanilla Creme Frappachino with an iced coffee on the side. Once I arrived back with the coffee, I grabbed my book:

READ IT! So funny & relatable!

My Coffee & My Cat :

Snuggs is obsessed with this mustard colored knit blanket.

And headed outside to lay on the lawn chair. I’ve decided that reading outside is not so bad. It’s a way for me to get sun and yet not move at the same time. For Snuggs & I, it works. I’m almost done with my book called “That’s Mental.” After I finish that one, I will move on to the new Scott Peterson one I got the other day. And by “new” I mean Goodwill for $1. True crime is not a topic I read about much anymore but his case continues to fascinate me.

I’m going to end on the latest thing that I have created at night. For some reason, night time is when I make sporadic decisions. Normally, they consist of online purchases. As you can see above, I am the new owner of a stained glass clock from Mercari. Here are two true facts. 1. It was $9. 2. I was not even positive this morning if I in fact bought it. After double checking, I can confirm that I did.

A few nights ago, I decided to start a mental illness Instagram page. I still have my personal one at : https://www.instagram.com/farmnsunflowers . However, I decided that I wanted an additional account to just post mental illness awareness things too. Realistic, funny, and relatable type material for those of us that live isolated (I’m not referring to COVID-19)…. I’m talking about a lifestyle. I will see how it goes. If you are interested in checking out my new page & supporting my cause, click the link here: https://www.instagram.com/shelterfromherstorm . Hopefully it will help people (and myself) on hard days.

I’m off to help haul all the boxes I packed over to the new house. Thankfully, my husband is loading the trailer and driving. So I should be alive tomorrow for an update. (sarcasm)

Daisy Shopped At Lowes

Tonight, my husband, dog, and I went to Lowes to look at the flowers. Thankfully, Daisy took her poop in the grass outside as opposed to in the flower section. My Chihuahua has my husband wrapped around her finger (in case you could not tell). He collected her leash and a towel from the house to bring with us on her flower outing. I’m sure this greatly lowered her anxiety, as she was more comfortable on her cushion.

I got the feeling that Daisy preferred when my husband pushed the buggy too. He has become her personal Uber. I was sure to hold up some flowers for her to smell on her journey around Lowes. Daisy did not seemed overly thrilled with the succulent section though. One thing I have not done yet is smelled a succulent. I don’t blame Daisy for wanting to move on.

After looking in the pot section (I’m referring to PLANT pots) we quickly went outside. The pots at Lowes are very expensive. I’m used to finding them at the thrift store. I hope the thrift stores open back up before next year. I’ve tried to be very careful with my face mask, hand washing, and hand sanitizing but I am over this social distancing thing. It was nice to go outside and look at the flowers. I’ve been getting outside a lot more.

I did not make it out of Lowes without purchasing anything. Shocker right? I happened to find a “Fresh Cut Flowers” sign on a discount table. It was $6.23, which for the size I thought was a good deal. I also really liked rustic farmhouse style of the sign. After reading The Nesting Place, I have a whole new outlook on decorating. I now feel more confident when it comes to making our house a home.

This book taught me that it is important to silence a room. Meaning, taking all the trinkets and excess items out of it to make it less busy. Then, to study the room and figure out what exactly it is that I need to change (Ex. Paint Color, Moving Furniture Around, Etc). If you need a different way to look at decorating, I highly recommend this book.

Having Depression Is Suffocating

Having Depression is like being canned in a jar. You can’t move, break out, or even breathe. I feel like a lot of people think of mental illness as being just that, mental. However, it is a physical illness too. My body gets tight, my head hurts, I start sweating, and basically curl into a ball in the dark. I sound like some kind of animal going into a menopausal hibernation. It would be funny, except that it is my reality.

My cat, Snuggs, is able to tell when I am having the darkest of days. Today, he laid his body across mine and slept. He is normally outside. They just know.

Depression makes me feel ashamed of my actions. As it progresses, I become more ashamed of the person I have become. Or lack there of. Something within me tells me I’m defected. Not good enough. Nor ever will be. The only thing I am an expert at is dealing & surviving. That is not the answer people want to hear from me though when they ask what my plans are. To society, surviving is not good enough. The answer is not acceptable. The password is incorrect. An error has occurred.

Whenever I interact with people, I feel as though I am thrown into a judgmental incinerator. This is probably why I have come to fear people, hate questions, and myself. I’ve heard that it is important to love yourself as you are. But people forget to warn you that others will most likely not. In a world most people are craving acceptance and love, I’m an outcast. It is ironic how that is.

It’s Too Early For Rock Bottom

I feel like I am hitting rock bottom. My values and perspective on life are being challenged. There are certain things that I have held strong too because it has felt right to do so. The longer I’m alive though, the more I realize nothing is as I thought it would be. Not marriage. Not career. Not security. If you had asked me when I was little what I wanted in life, I would have been overwhelmed by the enormity of the question. Today, at almost 4 AM, I still am. Answers are starting to not feel right anymore. As soon as I answer, everything changes.

I’m literally stuck in a painful, sad, and gray cloud of absolute confusion. Confusion about my decisions. My recovery. And ultimately my future. I just want to feel secure. It is such a simple word and yet, to obtain it, one must dig for a diamond with their fingernails. Is it possible for anyone to stay in a constant state of it? Could I borrow some from someone? I am so burned out. Mascara is wiped all over my shirt sleeve because I was crying yesterday. The night came too soon and everything went black. I didn’t eat dinner nor did I have a desire for anything but sleep. Covers are comforting.

How much should one person feel they need to compromise themselves? I’m a non conformist. My lack of bending either makes me brave or a complete bitch depending on who you ask. I only know how to be myself. I have expectations of those around me because I need to know I can trust & depend on people. Let me tell you, the last time I checked my friendship bank it was in the negative. I’ve become recluse, defeated, and incredibly lonely. So lonely.

I’m realizing the only person that can save me is myself. In order to make an attempt at life though I have to go through therapy, change, and a great amount of self reflection. I have to ask myself if I am wrong. Have I been doing it wrong? Why does everything become destroyed in my path? Instead of building castles, I’m blowing them up. I survive and yet, there is no one around me. No noise. No light. Just my dam self and my “values.” If I could reverse it, would I compromise myself in the name of keeping my world together?

I’m struggling this morning.

Fridge Broke & Coffee Sucks

I’m about to come unglued this morning. Though I did sleep in, I planned to make breakfast when I got up. After I poured a good amount of cheese into the egg mixture, I realized something was off. The cheese just smelled too strong. As with anything I do not like, I let my husband take care of it. He did a sniff & taste test to which he decided, we better not use it. (This is coming from the man that does not want to get rid of anything.) Fuck.

I’m standing there staring down at the bowl of eggs with cheese on top that I just prepared. My husband tried to convince me it could still be eaten. That we just needed to take the pyramid of sour cheese off. For some reason, I did not share in his desire to rescue this awful breakfast. Frustrated, I dumped out that bowl and decided to restart (even now there were only 3 eggs to split between the both of us).

Our fridge has been struggling with temperature recently. However, it did not click in my mind until I started working on the second breakfast that everything had dethawed. When I took the milk out, I thankfully decided to check that too so that I did not kill us with breakfast. Once again, smelled off. Husband sniffed the milk and diagnosed it as being sour. This is when it hit me that our fridge must have literally stopped working. What is worse than a pandemic? Answer: A pandemic with no fridge.

It occurs to me that the dairy things in our fridge are going to be sour. I went on a frustrated throwing away binge of dairy products. The most saddening to let go of was my coffee creamer. While my husband is on the phone texting our landlord about the fridge, I am in the kitchen trying to make coffee with almond milk. Bless all of yall healthy people that do this on a daily basis. My Simply Southern tervis filled with coffee (and almond milk) has been sitting here staring at me for quite a while. I can’t bring myself to drink it. Even if it is in a cute cup. FML.

Thankfully, I remembered that we had waffles in the freezer. All was not lost for breakfast. I made blueberry waffles which my husband seemed to like. They would have been better with eggs but not sour eggs. -_- This all feels ultra frustrating because we are in the middle of a pandemic and dairy products are limited. Usually, you can buy one of each at the store. We are not in need of cheese, creamer, milk, and yogurt. All of which I just got done buying the other day while dressed in my medical mask at Walmart.

And it is not even 12 PM yet…..

Bunny Train & Boredom

I’m sitting here listening to Charlie pant. He has been panting for what feels like forever. Charlie, our Cocker Spaniel, takes his tennis balls very seriously and clearly caught quite a few of them today. My husband went outside with the dogs to decompress after work. I don’t know about him but Charlie has been successfully decompressed.

The stress of this social distancing is really beginning to set in. When I was really sick, I did not notice much of anything. Now, I’m realizing how limited the entertainment is. It’s a good sign in a way because I know it means I’m starting to feel stronger. I am trying to resist the urge to wipe everything down with Clorox wipes. Anything that is disinfectant related is nearly impossible to find right now. This did not stop me from sweeping up the dog hair in the house several times today though.

Again, I went out and laid on the lounge chair for a while. I journaled, watched Stefanie Harlowe’s true crime Youtube Channel, got attacked by pollen, and ate snacks. If you don’t know Stefanie Harlowe, you need to. She is amazing. Check her out here. The Easter coffee bar decor video finally got filmed. Not edited. But filmed. I think it turned out cute. Jeremy seemed to like it. Jeremy’s salt rock lamp that I ordered him got put together by me as well. I knew he was going to see mine and want one. When you are married, just go ahead and order two of everything.

I read some things online about the Paleo and Vegetarian diet. I’m basically just trying to figure out how to eat healthy, lose weight, and stay alive. It is really a plus if I actually like what I am eating too. It seems like most people consider diets to be very short term events. Like, once you reach your goal all bets are off. In my case, I’m trying to find a diet which I can incorporate into my daily life. That is, for the rest of my life. The answer to my problem is probably in learning to cook everything that goes into my mouth. It is such an easy thing to say and yet such a daunting task. I’m going to figure it out though. Well, Pinterest & I are together.

Thankfully, I have not heard any virus updates of any kind today. I’m taking a hiatus from CNN and any other company that is reporting the doom that our world has come too. I psychologically just can’t handle the information daily. I hate to say that anything good could come from a pandemic, such as this one. But if anything did, I think it would be that people would appreciate more in their life. I’m so tired of being fed the bullsh*t that things make us happy. Therefore, we need to buy lots of things. That is not logic in my book or my life for that matter. I’m cleansing myself of excess. When the Titanic went down, I’m sure those that only had the shirt on their back had a better chance of treading water. Remember that lady with the big fur coat? She did not exactly make it…. just saying.

Last night, Jeremy and I turned off the TV and just lit a Woodwick candle. Those are the kinds that crackle like a fireplace. I’m sure this helped my anxiety to go down. When I finish this blog I am either going to listen to rain on Alexa or ASMR on Youtube. I’m also going to try to plan out my day tomorrow to see if that helps. Obviously, I don’t have any huge momentary obligations. However, sometimes I think just having a routine can help calm me. I tried to make a Youtube Social Distancing Routine type video today. The sun was bright so I squinted through the entire thing. Bugs also dive bombed me along with pollen. Needless to say, we are just going to delete that video and pretend it never existed….

Social Distancing Lessons

Today I’ve Learned….

In Florida it is legal to own sloths & foxes (with a permit)

Going on a Raw Vegan diet may starve me

It’s possible to easily jump through a hotel window (thanks Cops.. nothing like making me feel safe when I travel)

There is a website that has vintage recipes with pictures of the original handwritten ones here (I’m planning to make vintage French Toast tomorrow)

When I cry at night, the next day is absolute mental & physical crap

For under $50, a man with a riding lawn mower can turn a jungle of grass into a nice landscape (we tipped him, don’t worry)

President Trump’s spray tan appears to be getting darker, as the circles around his eyes are getting lighter (just observation from these Corona Virus updates)

I want a bathtub that my body can fit in, really bad

There is such a thing as a piano bed. I’m not kidding. Watch this tiny home Youtube video here. Want to save space? Just sleep in your instrument.

Today, was an emotionally exhausting day. My head hurts and my eyes feel weak. I did a lot of pinning of comfort foods on my Pinterest, Farm N Sunflowers. Somehow, I went from recipes to a Youtube video of a cute fox that was rescued. This immediately lead me into researching the laws on fox ownership. Apparently it is illegal to adopt a fox in SC. Bummer. It will have to wait until we move by the ocean in Florida one day. After my momentary excitement of owning a fox was met with a dead end, I U-Turned into researching a raw vegan diet. It sounds quite healthy, considering the menu of what can be eaten looks short. And raw. My french toast recipe for tomorrow would not be allowed on that diet. Considering breakfast is an essential part of my day, the uncooked food meals have to wait.

As I was typing this I looked up to see my cat Snuggs with Bella’s double dish cat holder hanging from his collar. After he stole her food, the bowl literally stole him. Karmas a bitch. It should make total sense why I am never again buying my cats those clean looking Rae Dunn bowls with the words on them. Since I purchased several bowls, the cats have broken all but one of their pottery dishes. They have made it clear that they have no desire to be designer cats.

I ordered “The Nesting Place” by Myquillyn Smith off Amazon today. If you are interested in checking out the book, you can find it here. I have really enjoyed her book, “The Cozy Minimalist Home.” If you find a good writer it is definitely worth seeing what else they have out there. It’s so interesting how everyone has their own story and way of telling it. Grasping my attention is an extremely hard thing to do these days. I will start books and put them down to collect dust. I’ve found though that I am wanting to be near books that are about self care & that which brings peace. Hence, why I have enjoyed the above writer, Myquillyn Smith. She has a relatable writing style that I find myself agreeing with often. Hopefully, her books can simplify my home, life, and mind. Not a bad deal for under $20.